I had a dream

Martin Luther King, Jr. made the statement "I have a dream," when he made his famous speech for the civil rights movement. He had a great dream. I had a dream, too, but my dream did not embody greatness. It did, however, shake me to my core.

It's amazing to me how real dreams can sometimes seem. Last night I had a really bad dream and when I woke up, I was in tears. I know my dream stemmed from something hidden deep in my subconscious but it took me a few days to get over.

I was on a long train and I was traveling to an unknown destination. I remember being somewhere on the back of the train, walking slowly up the aisle in a dim light. As I walked up the aisle, I was leaning over looking at the passengers in each set of seats. I was searching desperately for something or someone.

As I continued passing each set of seats, I finally neared the front of the train. Just to my right, as I peered over the tops of the seats, I see my sweet husband's face and directly next to him is a pretty woman with short, cropped blonde hair.

I remember speaking something to my husband and before he had a chance to reply, the blonde piped up and said, "he doesn't love you any more. He's with me now. He wanted a real woman, a woman with breasts." I cringed, in my dream, and looked quizzically at my husband as the woman beside him jutted out her ample bosom. I watched as she sidled up to him and snuggled into his shoulder. The devastation I felt was so overwhelming. He'd told me he'd love me forever, in sickness and in health, til death do us part and now, he was no longer mine...I tossed and turned in my sleep. I'm sure I moaned and groaned as I faced the gamut of emotions during this terrible, heart wrenching dream.

When I woke up, I was feeling a deep despair. I reached over to my husband's side of the bed. He was fast asleep. I sat up with tears streaming down my face. I knew this had only been a dream but it was so very real.

Within a few minutes, Phil woke up. He must have felt me stirring. He raised up on one arm and looked at me. He knew immediately that something was wrong. As he asked me what was the matter, I started to bawl. He reached over to take me in his arms and asked me to explain what was bothering me. I told him about the dream and when I'd finished, he squeezed me tight and said, "you know I'd never do anything like that. I love you. I always have and always will. I'm not going anywhere. I'll be with you forever." His words gave me such comfort and after a while, I was able to relax and let go of the feelings of inadequacy and fear.

Dreams are mysteries to me. How can they feel so real and how can I dream in color? I even knew the woman's name in my dream. Her name was Cody! The brain is an amazing machine that can conjure up all kinds of thoughts, images, and emotions.

When I was in high school, studying psychology, I remember doing a unit on dreams. We studied about the significance of various types of dreams and what the represented. Dreaming of falling represented a fear of losing control over a particular situation in one's life. Train dreams, like mine, indicated going somewhere unknown and having no control over the destination. That much of my dream was true! I have definitely felt I was traveling to an unknown destination since boarding the breast cancer train.

I guess my mind just had a field day with a combination of fears, conversations and events in my life and compiled them all into this crazy, outrageous dream. After I was able to get past the pain of the emotional turmoil I felt, I was able to dismantle the dream piece by piece.

The train ride represented my breast cancer journey. The searching out passengers was an attempt to find my husband for security. He's always by my side and helps me get through difficult challenges. The voluptuous blonde woman represented everything I'm not and her statement "he's with me now" was Satan's effort to tell me I'm no longer considered a woman now that I have no breasts. The feelings of hurt, disappointment, abandonment, and fear were all real feelings I've faced through this journey but once again, Satan twisted those to make my dream into one of a false reality.

I'm so thankful I was able to wake up from that wicked illusion realizing it was only a dream. I'm glad I know that my husband loves me with or without breasts and he's promised to be with me forever...and I believe him with all my heart. He truly loves me and would never do anything to hurt me. I am so blessed to have him in my life.

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