Last night I had some really weird dreams. I'm sure, as I analyzed them this morning, they stemmed from fears and insecurities. I'm not one to put much stock in dreams but wanted to share them with you so you could gain a better understanding of my blog post today.
The first dream: I was in a large room, something like a classroom, and someone was facilitating a meeting. I don't remember what was said throughout the meeting, but I know I sat there and listened intently to what the speaker was sharing. I wasn't aware of anyone else in the room, although I know there were other people there. When the speaker had finished, he/she said something profound (which I can't remember) and then one by one, bald headed women rose from their seats and stood at attention. I was still seated and was looking around as first one and then another woman rose to stand. My eyes were fixed on their heads and their degree of baldness. Some of the women were completely bald without one single hair protruding from perfectly round heads. Others had straggly long hairs, wispy and fine. I remember feeling a deep sadness as I watched them rise and then...it was my turn. When I rose, I remember I still had a head full of hair. I turned to look at the others who were standing with me and that's when I woke up.
The second dream was not as detailed. In fact, I only remember snippets of being somewhere out in public and being very self conscious. I remember everywhere I went in the dream, someone was staring at my chest. I was so embarrassed and wanted to cover up and hide.
These dreams more than likely stemmed from a fear of going to visit the oncologist tomorrow. I've been waiting for weeks for the test results to come back. The results will determine whether or not I have to have chemotherapy and how long I'll have to have it. I don't want to put poison into my body but I may have no choice.
Most women I've talked to, who've already gone through chemotherapy, say that after 2 treatments hair begins to turn loose and let go. When that has happened, most of the women have taken matters into their own hands and have cut and shaved their heads. Some of the women have made a celebration of it, having children or grandchildren come over and help with the trimming. Photos have been made and the whole ordeal documented. While I know that each case is different and some don't even lose one single hair, I can't help thinking about the possibility of being bald. It's humiliating enough having your breasts removed and then, to have your hair gone too...it's devastating. And yes, hair grows back eventually but for a Cancer patient, that can take months and months.
Most women I've talked to, who've already gone through chemotherapy, say that after 2 treatments hair begins to turn loose and let go. When that has happened, most of the women have taken matters into their own hands and have cut and shaved their heads. Some of the women have made a celebration of it, having children or grandchildren come over and help with the trimming. Photos have been made and the whole ordeal documented. While I know that each case is different and some don't even lose one single hair, I can't help thinking about the possibility of being bald. It's humiliating enough having your breasts removed and then, to have your hair gone too...it's devastating. And yes, hair grows back eventually but for a Cancer patient, that can take months and months.
The second dream was probably brought on from my being out in public a lot yesterday. Although I was not in close proximity to people for most of the day, when I was, I felt self conscious. I've been unable to wear my surgical camisole (the one with the pockets for the fake boobs in it) because it irritates my incisions. I've opted to go without anything underneath my shirt as long as the shirt is 100% cotton and very well worn. Being totally flat chested hasn't been easy. I didn't think I was as concerned about it as I apparently am. As I talked with a shop owner yesterday, I stood at an angle where my shirt bloused a little in front of me and held my arms at a protective angle in hopes that she wouldn't notice I had no breasts. When I was just in the presence of my daughter, I wasn't concerned about my "flat chestedness" at all...probably because I knew she loved me unconditionally and she wasn't paying much attention at all to the fact that I had no bosom.
I'm thankful that these were just dreams and not reality. I'm also thankful that God knows me and knows the way I think. The Bible tells me that he is familiar with all my ways. (Psalm 139:3) He knows my going out and my lying down.
Father God is familiar
with all our ways, which means He is fully acquainted
with us and He intimately understands all that we are
and all that we do. This
thought of intimacy causes many of us to be very uncomfortable
with God, for we are not even comfortable with ourselves.
Our minds can't even comprehend this kind of depth of
His intimacy and acceptance. He is familiar with all our
ways, and yet He still desires to be our Father. This
kind of love surpasses anything that we have ever experienced
or anything that we could ever possibly hope for or imagine.
However, it is a two way street.
Just as much as Father knows us, He wants us to begin to know Him, to become familiar with all His ways. He desires intimacy with His children. He sees us for who we really are, yet He loves us. He wants us to see Him for who He really is, and to allow Him to father us perfectly. Jesus and the Father shared in this type of intimacy. In John 17:10, Jesus prayed these words to His Father, All I have is yours and all you have is mine. Theirs was an interaction of hearts that was completely given to each other without reserve.
Just as much as Father knows us, He wants us to begin to know Him, to become familiar with all His ways. He desires intimacy with His children. He sees us for who we really are, yet He loves us. He wants us to see Him for who He really is, and to allow Him to father us perfectly. Jesus and the Father shared in this type of intimacy. In John 17:10, Jesus prayed these words to His Father, All I have is yours and all you have is mine. Theirs was an interaction of hearts that was completely given to each other without reserve.
When
we receive Jesus Christ, we enter into the same relationship
that Jesus has with His Father because we are now in Christ.
Jesus died so that all we might share in this incredible
relationship with His Father. Will we begin to yield all
that we are over to the One who wants to give us all that
He has? I think we are getting the better end of the bargain!
To become intimate, requires vulnerability. God understands
our trepidation so that is why He risked first. He made
the first move when He gave up everything He had to win
our hearts. He emptied the bank when He sacrificed His
only Son so that we might know Him.
Why
not respond to this ultimate gesture of love by beginning
to risk a deeper relationship with your Father? Intimacy
with God begins with us lowering our defenses simply to
allow God to "into-me-see."
Dreams are not representation of fact. They can reveal deep seated fears in our lives but we shouldn't dwell on them. Our hope and our trust should be in God and God alone.
PRAYER
Father I thank You for being familiar with all my ways. I believe that You intimately understand everything about me, yet You still love me unconditionally. Today I want to begin to lower my own defenses and lay down my pre-conceived ideas of who you are. I want to know You Father. I want to begin to see into Your heart and to become familiar with all Your ways. In the name of your beloved Son, Jesus, I pray. Amen.
©bonnie annis all rights reserved
Father I thank You for being familiar with all my ways. I believe that You intimately understand everything about me, yet You still love me unconditionally. Today I want to begin to lower my own defenses and lay down my pre-conceived ideas of who you are. I want to know You Father. I want to begin to see into Your heart and to become familiar with all Your ways. In the name of your beloved Son, Jesus, I pray. Amen.
©bonnie annis all rights reserved
