The clock on the kitchen wall chimes. I glance toward it and realize I've forgotten to turn the time back. Spring forward...fall back. Daylight savings time. I've never understood why it was necessary to turn back the hands of time. It gets darker earlier now, true, but why set the clocks back? Why not just leave time alone and let it be? Why do we have to interfere?
Time has become an important realization in my life lately. It seems, with every leaf that falls, with every minute that ticks by, I'm realizing things never stay the same. Stevie Nicks' song, Landslide, pummels my mind. These verses crowd my thoughts:
"Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder, even children get older and I'm getting older too"
I ponder the questions in the song lyrics. Can I handle the seasons of my life? I don't know. When I was younger, I'd have immediately said yes. Now that I'm older, the seasons are becoming more difficult to handle, more challenging than I'd ever dreamed.
I have been afraid of changing. Every time I look into the mirror, I see myself growing older. No matter how many times I color my hair to hide the whiteness, no matter how much makeup I put on...I can't hide the fact that I'll soon have 58 years. I feel my body deteriorating daily. My strength isn't what it used to be. I'm not as limber as I once was. Just like the trees outside. I feel like I'm entering the Autumn of my life. I feel like I'm on the edge of a great precipice looking down and soon, the landslide will come and carry me away. Life is so fragile.
Speaking of fragile life, yesterday, I went to visit my mother. She's in a nursing home. My husband was sweet enough to take me to see her. It's a long drive and took nearly 2 hours to get there. When we entered the room, she was lying in bed watching one of her favorite shows on television. Her frail, little roommate was sitting in her wheelchair on her side of the room. We spoke to Mrs. "S" as we entered, remembering she is hard of hearing we spoke a little louder than we normally would have spoken. She replied a feeble hello. Mama looked up as we approached and smiled. She was glad to see us. I noticed, since our last visit, she's aged. Her eyes looked weaker. Her hands shakier. Her body is wearing out. As we visited, I tried to pay attention to little details, to listen more intently. We had a good visit and after a few hours, I could tell Mama was becoming tired so we said our goodbyes and left. Time. Where had it gone?
Sometimes I wish I was still a child. It was easier back then. There was security in knowing my parents would be there to love and protect me. I felt safe knowing whenever I had a problem I could run to my mother, but now, I don't burden her with my problems. She's got enough of her own. It's sad to realize nothing ever stays the same. Things are always changing.
On the drive home, I looked over at my husband. I've built my life around you. I see he's getting older too. His hair is a beautiful silvery gray. His beard is stark white. He is my life love, so tender and so kind. He is my rock...sturdy and strong. He is dependable, faithful, and true. I have built my life around him. But time is working against us. How much longer will we have together? Sometimes I am afraid. I'm afraid of being alone.
The leaves on the trees are clinging with all their might through this gentle Fall rain, but some of them just can't hold on any longer. I watch them drift slowly down to the ground. They float so tenderly. Within days, the leaves that have fallen will turn brown...dead...lifeless. Their beautiful color will fade and be no more.
But as I look at the leaves I am reminded of something. Life and death go hand in hand. The dead leaves covering the ground will provide a covering for little seedlings that will emerge in the Spring. Their decay will provide good, fertilized soil and nutrients for new life in a few months.
The hour chimes on my clock and once again, I think of my life. Time makes you bolder. I don't see myself as bold, but as I've gotten older, I've taken more chances. Since being diagnosed with breast cancer, my priorities have changed. I've realized how very short life truly is and I try to live in the moment now.
Even children get older...I'm not the only one getting older. I see my children getting older, too. While I still sometimes see them as they were when they were younger, I realize they are adults now. They are capable of making their own decisions. They don't need me as much as they once did. I watch them as they live their lives. I'm proud of the people they've become. I've raised them well. Now they have children of their own and they are growing too. My grandchildren. Eight of them. The oldest is in college and the youngest will turn one this week. Time is flying by as they change and grow.
Time, precious time. It quietly slips away. Not a single moment can ever be saved. Once it's gone, it's gone. Spring forward. Fall back. The clock keeps ticking. No matter how we try to adjust the time, we're only given a certain number of moments here on this earth and when our time's up, it's up.
There's a landslide heading my way and as much as I'd like to dodge it and let it sweep right past me, I don't think that's going to happen. I'm bracing for it already. I don't know when the first rock will tumble down but I'm watching.
Another leaf just let go. It's time was up. It had a good life clinging to the safety and security of the tree. At one time, it drew sustenance and provided shade. I've come to realize that my life is like a leaf, floating on the breeze. One day here and the next day gone. And that's the way it should be, but time is so very short....cancer helps you realize that fact and helps you see things so much more clearly. And time, while fleeting, is so very precious.
While Stevie Nicks' song was about her discontentment with life circumstances and the possible break up of her band, Landslide, means so much more to me. Change is inevitable. Change is constant, says Benjamin Disraeli and I agree.
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