Surgery

I just got the phone call, my surgery date has been set for July 9. While I'm glad to finally know when the actual date will be, I'm also very scared. For some reason, the reality of it never really sunk in...I kept telling everyone that I had been diagnosed with Cancer and they all grasped the concept well but I didn't. For some reason, it's always been like that. Whenever I've heard any disturbing news, I've gone into some sort of protective mode...I guess that's what they call shock.

I don't know why it always takes a while for things to really "sink in" for me, especially when they involve me. Now that I have the date it makes it very real to me. I just looked at the calendar and that means I only have 21 days left with my body in a whole state...to have my body with my "boobs." I can't imagine not having them. I mean, I was really angry when I started developing them when I was in my early teens. I was such a tom boy and only thought of them as nuisances that would get in the way as I played football with the neighborhood boys. As I grew older, I realized they were an asset. They certainly drew attention from the boys and although I wasn't large chested, I had enough to signify my femininity. When I started having my children, they were a necessity to breast feed them with but now, they are broken...sick...diseased.

Is it wrong to mourn the loss of body parts? Does it matter that they're not as noticeable as a lost arm or leg would be? No, I don't need my "boobs" to function in daily life, but they are part of me and I'm going to feel lost without them.

And what do they do with all the breasts that are removed in daily surgeries? I know the pathologists divide and mutilate and take tissue samples. They slide pieces and parts of them under microscope lenses and marvel at the complicated intricacies they find. But when they're through with them, where do those appendages go? Are they just thrown into a huge red bio hazard bin? I'm not trying to be morbid here really.

So I have 21 days to feel like a whole woman and then, I won't. That's being pretty cut and dry, I know but let's be honest here, none of you are reading my blog because of the exciting Breast Cancer stories I tell. There's nothing wonderful or exciting involved with Cancer of any kind. You're reading it because you care about me, because you know me now or have known me in the past. Or maybe it's because you know someone who knows me. Maybe it's because you have already been touched by Cancer in your life or the life of someone close to you and you understand how difficult the journey will be. Maybe you're just reading it because someone pointed you my way and you're curious and glad that it isn't you with the diagnosis of Cancer looming over you. You're probably reading this because you want to try to understand all of the insanity associated with Cancer. More than likely you really want to help but don't know what to say or do. You want to make sure I am not falling to pieces and that I am not defined by my Breast Cancer.

Don't worry about me, really. I'm not going to sugar coat this. I'm going to cut to the chase. I won't be feeling optimistic all the time. It's sad to say, but we are multidimensional and Cancer throws a huge monkey wrench into the lives of the ones it chooses. I may not always write from my head with careful consideration for the thoughts of others. I may not write from my heart with love and compassion and caring. I may just throw it out there and let the chips fall where they may....whatever I decide to do and however I decide to do it, I'll share with you but be forewarned - I'm learning to be brave through my own beautiful mistakes.

Am I nervous...no! I'm scared to death! I've had many surgeries before so I know how it goes...all the bloodwork and tests...all the forms to fill out...redundant questions...poking, proding...yeah. I've been there and done that. This time I'm older and wiser and no, I don't know what the days ahead will hold, but I do know that I have 21 days of normalcy before the insanity begins. I intend to savor every second of the next 21 days. I'll probably do a lot crying. I know I'll do a lot of praying. And after it's all said and done, I'm going to wear a new badge of courage and I'll join the many other women who are surviving not necessarily because they had to, but because they WANTED to! I really, really, really do want to live.

© Bonnie Annis all rights reserved

Wrestling with myself

For the past week I haven't been able to sleep...funny how a diagnosis of Cancer will do that to you. Oh, I've been tired and I've tried to close my eyes and rest but sleep just never would come. My mind was racing thinking constantly about the future. I tossed and turned and just about bounced my husband off of the bed.

I'll admit it. I'm a worrier. I always have been. Even though I know I'm not supposed to worry, I do. Someone once said that worrying shortens your life and that's probably true...even so, I worry. I've been worrying about my upcoming surgery, worrying about recovery, worrying about treatments, worrying about medical bills, worrying about how those bills are going to get paid, worrying about losing my hair, etc., etc., etc. I know, it's silly to "borrow trouble" as my grandmother used to say,...so why am I worrying?

My husband has been so concerned about my lack of sleep that he took me to a mattress store the other day and told me to pick out a new king sized set. I felt like a silly school girl going from one mattress to another lying down and "experiencing it" (as the salesman put it). After testing out about 5 or 6, I'd come to a decision and we quickly made our purchase and went home.

The mattress set was delivered yesterday. How nice it was to see the 10 year old one being removed and the new one set up in its place. I couldn't wait for the delivery men to leave so I could get on it and see how it felt.

When they left, I crawled up into the middle of the bed and just lay there. It felt amazing! The soft plush top with a firm foundation cradled my body as the cooling gel pad gave instant comfort. This was going to be nice. As I lay there, my brain went into overdrive.

This time I wasn't worrying, I was just "pondering" to use a biblical term. As I was thinking deep thoughts, I began to realize that some of the things I'd been wrestling with were lies. Let me give you my list:

Lies I've believed lately (whether for a second, several minutes, several hours, or several days):
1. I'm going to die from Cancer.
2. My husband is not going to love me or be attracted to me any longer once I have my breasts removed.
3. We're going to go bankrupt from massive amounts of medical bills.
4. My life is over and I'll never be the same.

Those are pretty heavy lies to believe but the truth is, they did travel through the recesses of my mind and dug in there for a little while. Some of them lounged around and kicked off their shoes making themselves right at home. Others snuck in through the back door of my mind and stealthily crawled across the floor until they found a good hiding place and quietly rested there. All of them had a good time hanging out with me, tormenting me, stealing my sleep but then...

Last night, after talking with several of my friends, I decided to try some Melatonin. It's a natural hormone that your body makes to help you know when to sleep and when to wake. About half an hour before bed, I took one of those little gems and lay on my bed waiting for the sweet gift of sleep to come.

It came all right! I slept from 11 last night until 7 this morning! That's the first good night's sleep I've had in over a week. I feel refreshed and alive. I feel new and revived! And that led me to do some deep thinking this morning. I knew I had to counter those lies that I'd allowed to take up residence with the truth. As I read my Bible this morning, I received answers that countered those lies.

Truth:
1. While I may ultimately die from Cancer or something related to it, only God knows exactly when and where and how I'm going to die. I'm not going to die one second before He intends me to do so. He has numbered my days.
2. Yes, my physical appearance will be greatly altered and I will have hideous scars but the outside of me doesn't define the inside of me. My husband knows me inside and out. He's seen the "good, the bad, and the ugly" and he loves me inspite of it all. He vowed to love me "for better or worse, in sickness and in health," and he meant it. God will help him get through this.
3. We will have many medical bills in the days ahead and they'll keep coming as I go through various treatments, return for checkups, have lab work done, etc. But...God knew way before I ever did that this disease was coming. He is Jehovah Jireh and He will provide. We do have health insurance for which I am very thankful. My husband has a good job and gets a good bit of overtime. God has kept him healthy and strong so he can work to provide for us. God will meet our every need not because we need Him to or want Him to...but because of who He is and because He loves us.
4. Yes, my old life is over. I'm going to have to learn a "new normal." I won't ever be the same and I'm glad. Hopefully, I will be a more compassionate and caring person. Hopefully, I will live in the moment instead of worrying about tomorrow. Hopefully, I'll learn to rest and not feel guilty about it.

I'm tired of wrestling with myself. I'm tired of being tired! I'm thankful that after a good night's sleep I was able to see a little more clearly. I'm thankful for my new bed and for my new friend, Melatonin, but most of all, I'm thankful that I have my faith to carry me through this journey. Without God by my side, I don't think I'd make it. God didn't give me something I could handle. He gave me something I simply couldn't have handled without Him.

© Bonnie Annis all rights reserved