The eye of the beholder

beauty...having qualities that delight the senses, especially the sense of sight, having beauty; delighting the senses or mind...definitely not me. no...i'm not full of beauty, but he tells me i am. every single day of our lives together, he's told me that i am beautiful...even when i know i'm not, when i know the inside of me doesn't match up with the outside of me, when i'm broken inside and unlovely...when i can't even look at myself in the mirror. he sees past the countless number of bruises on my body from failed needle sticks...my last visit to the emergency room. his eyes don't focus on the ugly, angry red burns from radiation...he chooses not to see the massive, screaming scars across my chest...instead, he looks me right in the eyes and says, "do you know you're beautiful?" he does this several times a day and each time he asks me the question, i always say, "no," as i hold my head down in shame. what does he see that i don't? sometimes i think he sees straight into my soul...his gentle hand holding my chin steady as my lip quivers and tears stream down my face. he's seen my pain, he's seen my hurt, he's wiped away my tears. i am so touched that he chooses not to see only the outside of me, but the inside of me that is wounded, too. my heart is covered with scars that have healed over from past hurts, rejections, and pain...though they are healed over, they are still there...etched permanent reminders. i don't deserve such love...he is so giving, so kind, so loyal, so tender, but i am so thankful that he's mine. he loves me unconditionally, always. even though he knows the real me, the one who is often unlovely, unlovable, unacceptable...he loves me anyway. i don't even remember when he started to tell me i was beautiful...it must have been even before we were married but this i do know, he's never let one day slip by without reminding me...not...one...day. hearing something thousands of times doesn't make it believeable, but oh, how i want to believe...maybe one day, i'll be able to see what he sees. maybe one day, my heart will be completely whole and all the scars will be erased....forever. maybe one day, when he takes my face in his big, manly, hands and forces my eyes to catch his, i'll hear his words, "do you know you're beautiful?" and i'll be able to finally say, "yes...yes, i know....yes i believe...yes...yes...YES!" maybe, just maybe that day will come...i am hoping it will because i desperately want it. i want to know that i am full of beauty inside and out. i want to be able to see what he sees and i want to believe... 

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