Today, as I sit at my computer, I look out over a chilly, fall morning. Fog hovers over the tree tops wrapping the leaves in a blanket of white. It looks picturesque and still. I love days like this. If I felt better, I'd be hiking right now. Up along a mountain ridge, pack on my back and walking stick in my hand...hearing the familiar crunch of leaves under my feet as I move steadily along. The mountains have been calling me. For days and days, I've heard their gentle wooing. This is the time of year I long to be outside. Just yesterday, in fact, I asked Phil, my husband, if we could drive up to the mountains this weekend, and he, like the good husband he is, said "of course, if I don't have to work next Saturday." My heart was happy to hear his reply and I am already planning our trip.
Just knowing I have the desire to plan something is a sign that I am healing. For months now, everything in my life has revolved around Cancer. My days have been spent going from one doctor's office to another or from one treatment to another, but now, things are changing. Just like the season of Fall, when the leaves are changing, the air turns crisp, and squirrels forage for nuts in preparation for a long hard winter, I can feel a change stirring in my spirit.
The burns from radiation are almost completely healed. There are still faint reminders of that uncomfortable time and they may remain for many more months. I have a wide, deep reddish brown band of color stretching from the center of my breast bone across my chest and around my back. The burns along my neck and collar bone are the most prominent and the least healed, giving me a raw and tender area that needs constant attention. The Silvadene and Radiaplex are doing a good job at soothing the painful burns and I am thankful for those soothing balms.
It will be good to have an entire week without any medical appointments. Maybe I can use this time to catch up on a few art projects I've had lying around or perhaps I'll find a new book to read. I'm supposed to be resting so my body can heal, but it's hard when I want to do so many things.
The swelling in my upper arms is mild upon waking and gets progressively worse throughout the day. This is so frustrating because it impedes my ability to do many physical things. I have the Lymphedema sleeves but I'm not supposed to wear them right now because the fabric rubs against my burned skin and causes irritation. In another few weeks, I hope to be completely healed and will start wearing the compression sleeves and gauntlets daily. While it isn't something I ever expected to have to do, I'm grateful for colorful and fun patterns that help make the sleeves more attractive.
My energy level hasn't returned to normal and that is bothersome. Planning household chores to accomplish each day before noon is a must otherwise they won't get done. There are things I am physically unable to do right now, like cleaning bathtubs and baseboards, but those can wait. That's a huge thing for me to say since I'm such a neat freak and germaphobe. Phil is more than willing to help with any projects, but I try not to ask for his help often. He works hard every day and when he gets home, I just want him to be able to rest and relax.
On the 30th, I'll meet with my Oncologist again. I must admit I am apprehensive about beginning the anti-hormone therapy. The internet can be a dangerous thing, especially for someone with an inquisitive mind. I've Googled every Aromatase inhibitor currently being used for Breast Cancer patients and in particular, I've focused on Arimidex, the one Dr. Feinstein has indicated I will soon be taking. The side effects are scary- fatigue, joint and bone pain, hair loss, severe Osteoporisis, nausea and vomiting, hot flashes, weight gain and more. I have so many questions to ask and am even considering opting out of taking the medication. I would rather have a better quality of life than to spend the next 5 to 10 years in agony.
So, yes, a change is coming. My normal life is gone. And just like the last stanza of Sam Cooke's song, A Change is Gonna Come, I know it's coming quickly. Just like the Fall leaves, which will soon loosen their grip and fall to the ground, I have to let go. Winter is around the corner with its frosty fingertips poised and ready.
This coming Saturday, I'm pulling out my hiking boots and jacket. We'll pack a picnic lunch and take off for the mountains. We'll spend the day tromping through piles of leaves and over fallen logs alongside mountain streams and I will be in heaven! I feel most at peace and closest to God when I am out in the woods alone with Him. My heart will be encouraged and refreshed, and when the day is done, we'll drive back home with happy hearts knowing that change is good...nothing remains the same...a change is gonna come.
© bonnie annis all rights reserved
"There been times that I thought I couldn't last for long
But now I think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will."
Sam Cooke's song: A Change is Gonna Come
