Please stop the merry-go-round, I want to get off!

Life is hectic, especially this time of year with the holidays right around the corner. Today, my husband and I had the brilliant idea of going to the grocery store, the cupboards were bare and I hadn't been shopping in over a month. It was a rainy, dreary November day and surely no one would be out in this nasty morning weather...wrong! When we arrived at the store, the parking lot was full. After circling a time or two, we found a parking space, parked the car and went inside.

In the store, there were people everywhere frantically scurrying around to buy their Thanksgiving meal items. It was so overwhelming! My sweet husband, Phil,  must have noticed my anxiety because he took me by the arm and led me toward the deli section. He leaned over to me and sweetly said, "just calm down. I know you're trying so hard. Let me help. Just tell me what you need and I'll go get it." Together we managed to weasel our way through the aisles dodging elbows and ankles with our shopping cart. People were pleasant and courteous to one another saying "excuse me" and "thank you" as we all made our way to our various destinations. I was happy that holiday angst hadn't taken hold of people here yet.

The faster we traveled through the store, the more overwhelmed I became. Everywhere you looked there were people blocking the aisles! Phil asked what the next items on the list were and I told him as he made a mental note and told me to stay put. I stood there in the aisle looking bewildered as he quickly dashed off to retrieve the frozen food items. Watching the people darting around made me nauseous. Everyone was in such a hurry. No one paid me any attention as I stood hunkered over my shopping cart handle holding on for dear life. My back was really hurting and I felt like I had the flu. Every joint and muscle in my body ached.

When Phil made his way back to me, he could tell it was too much. Teary eyed, I told him it was time to go. He asked if there was anything else I needed and I replied, "no, let's just go home now." So we made our way to the registers to check out.

A couple of weeks ago, my Oncologist, Dr. Feinstein, had prescribed Arimidex for me. It's an anti hormone therapy drug that blocks estrogen in the body. Since my cancer was fed by estrogen and progesterone, he wanted me to start taking the medication immediately after I had finished radiation. He mentioned a few side effects that might be bothersome, like muscle aches and pains, nausea, insomnia, etc. I had no idea that I would suffer most if not all of them.

While putting away the groceries, I began thinking and wondering if perhaps I should stop taking the medication cold turkey. It's been so difficult to struggle through the mood swings, the tearfulness, the back pain, the aching muscles and joints. I've just felt so unlike myself and I don't like the way I'm feeling. I'd much rather not be on the medication and have a better quality of life.

For months and months I've felt like I was on a merry-go-round that's been slowly picking up speed. When I first got on, it was one doctor after another, then one treatment after another, and now it's one symptom after another. I'm ready to get off! I feel like my head is spinning and my eyes can't focus on anything. I feel totally out of control.

Tomorrow I'm going to call Dr. Feinstein's office and tell him my plan. He'll probably encourage me to give it a few more weeks, but I'm not going to agree to that. I know there are many other anti hormone therapy drugs out there and maybe one of those wouldn't have so many side effects. Then again, do I have to take one at all? I just don't know. All I can do it trust his expertise. I certainly don't want to have the cancer come back again, but I don't want to live a life that is full of pain and agony either.

When I was a child, I used to love merry-go-rounds. It was so fun to have someone push you faster and faster as the wind whipped through your hair and you held on tight so you wouldn't fall off. When it started to go too fast, I would always take my foot and hold it over the edge barely touching the ground slowing things down a bit. When I was ready to get off, even if the merry-go-round hadn't completely stopped, I'd just jump off. Back then, I would be laughing the entire time. Now, I'm not laughing...I'm crying.

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