One year anniversary of my diagnosis

My breast cancer flag

Today marks one year since my life totally changed. It was 4:25 p.m. when the telephone rang. As I looked at the caller ID, I knew it was the call I had been waiting to receive. Piedmont Radiology lit up in bright blue LED letters. I hesitated to pick up the phone on the first ring because that would indicate my eagerness to hear what the radiologist had to say. I waited until the third ring and answered. I didn't realize it at the time, but I held my breath as the Radiologist began..."Mrs. Annis? We have the results of your pathology reports. I'm sorry to tell you that YOU HAVE CANCER."

I don't know what she said after the words YOU HAVE CANCER. I only remember trying to process my thoughts and it seemed that suddenly, I was far, far away. The words coming through my telephone receiver sounded like words from an old Charlie Brown movie where the teacher speaks and all Charlie Brown hears is "WAH WAH WAAAH WAH, WAH, WAH, WAAAH, WAH."

The phone call didn't last long. I was thankful I was home alone. As I hung up the receiver, I was in a state of disbelief and shock. "You have CANCER." "You HAVE CANCER...YOU HAVE CANCER!!!" The words kept repeating themselves in my mind. I slowly sat down in my recliner and held my head in my hands.

Although the diagnosis hit me like a ton of bricks, I had expected to hear these words. For some strange reason, God had already spoken to my spirit months ago and let me know that I did, indeed, have cancer. That is why, even in the midst of our buying a new house and moving to a different city, I kept hearing this little voice in the forefront of my mind telling me that I needed to get my breast checked. That mass I'd felt in the shower earlier in the year was something bad...something very bad.

It's hard to believe it's been a year since my diagnosis. So many things have transpired since then. Not only have I experienced major physical changes, I've experienced major emotional and spiritual changes as well.

Cancer has changed my life. For the past year, I've been on the weirdest roller coaster ride imaginable. My diagnosis started the car rolling fast and it picked up speed along the way. I whizzed into the OB/GYN's office, then into diagnostic testing, then up the hill toward biopsies. An even steeper climb lead me to the breast surgeon and on to surgery...then, plummeting down the hill of painful recovery and treatment. Up and down, up and down, twists and turns, faster and faster...seemingly out of control! And now, the roller coaster ride is finally slowing down enough for me to be able to see what's around the bend.

A lot of people don't like the words "cancer journey," but I think those are very fitting words to describe the life of a Christian in the midst of the trials associated with cancer. A journey is moving from one place to another and that's exactly how I've viewed breast cancer. It has helped me realize so many things about myself and has also helped me see that life and every moment contained therein, is absolutely precious. It has taken me from a place of routine and comfort to a place of wonder. Learning to live in the moment has become my new motto, and I have cancer to thank for that. I never realized how much I took for granted before my diagnosis.

As I look over this last year, I would have to say I've learned the lessons I was supposed to, and I have become a much richer person. Oh, I'm not perfect by any means! I’m still occasionally moody. I’m still an über-type-A personality. I find that I still take some days for granted but I try to focus on my many blessings.

It's amazing how, when suddenly faced with our impending mortality, we get a more clear understanding of what is really important in life. I have learned that God, family, friendship and love are truly all that matter.

In the year since I began my cancer journey, God has provided encouragement and support through the most incredible people and under the most unlikely circumstances. Because of the realization that at any moment the battle that we have so strongly, so bravely, and so valiantly fought, can end, we grab hold of these friendships and we hang on…sometimes for dear life. Amazingly, it’s as if the normal societal niceties, all of those rules that are normally expected when establishing friendships, are forgotten. Why waste time on petty banter and getting to know one another in the typical way? Cancer has helped me realize that time is of the essence!

I've learned to look more closely at the person's heart instead of their outer appearance. I try to see people through the eyes of God. It's so freeing to learn to be nonjudgmental! Instead of trying to figure someone out, I just take the attitude, "Hey! You like me and I like you, so let's be friends!" And it works.

I've been blessed with some wonderful friends. Friends I have connected with instantaneously and have loved deeply. Then there were those I didn’t know well, but mourned over when cancer claimed them...both of them young mothers who fought valiantly - Christina Newman and Kara Tippetts. There were also those with which I had very close personal relationships. These ladies were taken much too soon: My mother in law, Annie Annis, my dear sweet friend, Rachel Ross, and another dear friend, Debbie Jackson. These ladies allowed their relationships with God to carry them through cancer and gave me such a clear picture of trust and faith.

And here I sit. I have survived. Sometimes it seems so unfair. My approaching "Cancerversary," which occurs on July 9, (the day when the cancer was actually removed from my body), which by rights, should be a happy occasion, is bittersweet. It is tempered with the knowledge that, while I have survived my fight and face this upcoming milestone, many I have known and loved have lost their war. For me not to be overjoyed with my life is to do them all an incredible dishonor. These brave warriors I have had the fortune of knowing, may have left me in body, but I know they have not left me in spirit.

No one knows or understands why God allows some people to experience the trial of cancer and some to escape it, but I can tell you this, without my faith, I would never have made it through this first year. Without my family's love and support, I would have surely succumbed to a deep, dark depression and would have probably lost all hope.

Breast cancer is the most difficult trial I've faced to date...no, that's not really true...it has been the hardest, most EXTREMELY challenging period of my life. Every single day, I've had to choose to be optimistic. I've had to choose and hold on to hope. I've had to push through the pain. Some days all I can do is pray and ask God to give me strength to get through the day and He always does.

I've found strength in memorizing verses from the Bible. I've pasted them all over the walls of my house, on my computer screen, and on my cell phone so I can see them daily. One of my favorites is Phillipians 4:13, "I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength."

As I look back on the day I was diagnosed, even though it was a very difficult day, I can truly say I am thankful. That's a hard concept to grasp if you don't understand how important my faith is to me. You might wonder how anyone could ever be thankful to have been diagnosed with cancer and I hope I can help you gain a clearer understanding.

Before I was diagnosed, I had a good life. I was happily married, I had 4 kids, I had 7 grandchildren, I had a good job, I had a loving church family, and things were going along just fine. Everything was routine and safe and secure....I knew I was blessed but I took a lot for granted. I didn't thank God every morning He allowed me to wake up. I didn't count my minutes as precious. I just pretty much went through the day doing what I normally did and was happy doing it.

When cancer came along, everything changed. It was a HUGE wakeup call. It was a second chance at life. It was like a DO OVER! It was like God was saying, "Okay, you've been going along pretty well and enjoying your life, now how about waking up and seeing things the way I see them???" (forgive me for "putting words in God's mouth, but that's what I felt him saying to my heart.) That's when it hit me. I hadn't realized how very blessed I had been.

Now, each morning when I wake up and hear the birds singing outside my window, I immediately stop and give thanks. If the birds begin to sing and praise God at the very break of day, why shouldn't I?

The Bible says in Luke 12:48, "...From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has allowed me to go through this cancer journey for a reason. It wasn't a fluke. It wasn't a coincidence. It wasn't a mistake. It was chosen specifically by God to mold me and make me into His image. I haven't learned all the lessons He wants to teach me yet, but I'm trying to be an attentive student.

Who knows what my life would have looked like over the past year if I had not begun that insanely wild and crazy ride on the cancer rollercoaster. I imagine it would have been pretty routine and even mundane at times.

When I was much younger, I used to love going to Six Flags over Georgia and riding the rollercoasters. I loved the excitement as the cars began that slow climb up the hill and then the whoosh of air and the rush of speed as the car made a quick descent down the first big hill. Hands in the air, I knew the destination. I knew the ride would be rapid and short. I knew it would be filled with gasps of excitement and small moments of fear as my stomach seemed to jump into my throat, but with breast cancer, the ride has been more intense...more devastating, more challenging and more fulfilling. 

Sometimes I don't know if a big hill is coming or a new twist is around the corner but I do know the destination. I know eventually I'll be in the presence of God and He'll allow me to ask all the questions that needed answers. I can't wait to have that talk with Him and hear exactly why He chose cancer as a tool to grow me into more Christ-likeness. I hope to hear Him say that I passed the test with flying colors because that will have made the ride worthwhile.

One year. It has passed by in the blink of an eye. On July 9, I will celebrate one year of being cancer free. I can honestly call myself a Breast Cancer Survivor on that day. Some people choose to celebrate their "cancerversary" on the day they were diagnosed but I think it's more fitting to celebrate the day the cancer was removed from my body.

The ride is not over just yet. I still have hills to climb. There are doctors' appointments splattered all throughout my calendar along with many diagnostic tests but that's okay. Those doctors are all helping to make sure I don't have a recurrence. I'm looking forward to the day when I hear them say, "Bonnie, you're NED today!" (N.E.D means "no evidence of disease.") That's the day I'll really whoop and holler! That's the day, the cancer ride will have come to an end for me. And I'll be so very thankful the ride is finally over. 

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