My life has felt tumultuous lately...being tossed about in a sea of confusion and despair. I started out as a beautiful, completely unique utensil of God's love. I was able to be filled daily and pour back out again and then came Cancer. At the very point in time the word Cancer entered my life, I was poured out...completely empty. Not only was I empty, but I had been tossed into the thrashing sea. I bobbed up and down trying to find a lifeline but there was none. The waves crashed around me taking me this way and that, as I tried to make sense of things. I was carried deeper and deeper into the sea, churning and churning and churning. Water rushed over me and I felt like I was drowning. I couldn't catch my breath. Underneath the waves, I floated in a downward spiral. Brushing against the sand, I felt it's soft embrace and just as soon as I thought I would rest in a safe place; I was swept away against my will. The process began all over again and I never thought it would end. Finally I quit fighting. Relaxing, I let the tide carry me and soon, the strong, powerful waves gave way to gentle, soft, caressing ones. I floated to the top of the water and reveled in the sunlight. It glinted brightly against my skin. I looked about and found myself far from the safety of the shore, but I was at peace. I wondered where this journey would take me. I decided to relent. To trust the waves. To allow them to carry me wherever they deemed fit and thus began my transformation.
After days and days of being tossed about, I no longer resembled my original form. I was no longer a vessel to hold or to empty. I was not transparent and clear. My shape had changed. I had been chipped and broken, cracked along my journey. No longer was I whole. As I continued the journey, more and more damage occurred and my outer body had drastically changed. Something unique was happening to me. I could feel it. My outer shell was thickening and becoming hazy. The sand was refining my rough edges and making them smooth. Still being tossed about, the sand was no longer my enemy, but my friend. The sharp, jagged edges were now gentle and touchable. As my journey continued, I trusted the changes that were taking place. I allowed them to continue. And then one last push deposited me on the sandy shore. I lay there in the sun, basking in it's glow. No longer did I feel fragile and delicate. Now I felt solid and strong. My color had changed, no longer reflecting the sun with ease...now I absorbed it and it absorbed me...we were one.
And such has been my dance with Breast Cancer. Day after day, the changes have come. Some days have been searing and painful, others have been soft and gentle. I have changed and I am changing. The rough edges are being made smooth. Just like the beautiful sea glass along the water's edge, I find myself allowing the process of God's refinement to tumble me into whatever He wants me to be, in whatever way He chooses. I don't know how long it will take for the finished work of art to be complete, but I have allowed myself to participate willingly...to freely accept the journey and trust where it takes me. He has mapped out my course, and I must journey along the path He's chosen. The waves, the sea, the sand are not my enemies...they are my friends. He will use these tools to test, to shape, to refine and I will no longer be the way I once was...I will be different, vastly different. I will be His precious gemstone. There will be none who have experienced the same refining process as I. I am but art in the Master's hand and I cannot wait to be completed.
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