He's the glue

Earlier this year we decided to put our house up for sale, the one we'd loved and lived in for over 21 years. It was time. Time to downsize...time to prepare for retirement...time to move on. In preparation for the sale, I began going through the house, room by room, looking for things that needed to be repaired or replaced. Living in a house that long, you don't notice the doors that creak, the floorboards that are loose, and the wallpaper that has yellowed...you just live there day in and day out because it's comfortable, it feels like home. So I decided to go out the front door and walk back into the house with "new eyes"...eyes of a guest...what would I see, where would I look, if I was someone else, what would I criticize?

I walked through the house into the entryway...nothing out of the ordinary there, except maybe a few touch ups of paint for the walls after our photographs were taken down. Those little nail holes would be nothing to fill in and paint over. Moving up the stairs, toward the bedrooms, I noticed more minor cosmetic flaws that would be easily taken care of by a little paint or glue. When I walked into the master bedroom, there was nothing that needed attention except the wallpaper I'd foolishly put up around the vanity area. I'd put up a more modern print to cover the 70s paper the past owners had used. Ten years or more had gone by since I'd glued and hung that first strip of paper. I examined it closely. At the seams, there had been some loosening. Wallpaper upon wallpaper...I had never been taught the proper way to hang it, so I'd done the best I could. I thought I'd done a fine job, but I noticed that the places where the seams overlapped had some gaps. The glue hadn't held well where the paper didn't meet the wall properly. Vinyl upon vinyl didn't hold together well. As I looked closer, I tried to decide whether I need to just add more glue or if I needed to take down the entire area. The perfectionist in me decided to remove all of it. The vanity area wasn't very large, in fact, it was probably only a 12 foot by 12 foot area. The wallpaper covered 2 entire walls and then partially covered the area around my husband's closet and the alcove. It shouldn't be too bad to tackle...maybe a day's worth of work.

Picking at a loose seam, I tore at the wallpaper thinking an entire sheet would easily come off in my hands. Instead of a large sheet of wallpaper, all I got was a tiny sliver...the glue held tightly. This wasn't going to be as easy as I thought, so I went to the hardware store and bought some wallpaper remover, a couple of large sponges, and a scraper. When I got home with my supplies, I spread a plastic drop cloth out over the carpet. I knew this was going to be a messy job. Donning my rubber gloves, I dipped the large sponge into the huge bucket of wallpaper remover and slapped it against the wall. Rubbing in large circles, I spread the remover around to cover a large section, as the instructions explained, and waited. The wallpaper remover had to soak through not only the vinyl wallpaper, but through paper backing and into the glue beneath. There were many layers and they did not want to let go easily!

When the wallpaper looked wet enough and ready to peel off, I took the scraper and pushed against the seam. Gently, I worked for fear of gouging the wall underneath. The vinyl paper and the paper backing came off fairly easily, but the glue did not want to let go at all. It took another application of the remover to loosen it to the point of being able to scrape it away completely.

What started out as a partial day's job, turned into a week's worth of work. Diligently, I applied wallpaper removed, waited, scraped, and reapplied it. It was soggy and messy and wet. Stips of wallpaper and gobs of wet glue lay splattered all over the drop cloth and on me. No matter how neat I tried to be with the project, it was insanely messy. I hated wallpaper and I vowed never to put it up again in my life.

Finally, after days and days of work, I had removed every tiny piece of that wallpaper. I stood back and looked at the naked walls. They were smooth and clean, ready for a coat of new paint. I envisioned the buyers remarking at how perfect the walls were and how they loved the paint color I'd chosen.

I waited a few days to make sure the walls were completely dry before applying a coat of primer and then the 2 coats of paint. When I completed the job, I stood back and looked closely. It was difficult to tell there had ever been wallpaper on these walls. If I had not known it was there, I would have thought these walls had only held paint for all these years.

Today I was reminded of those wallpapered walls. As I applied the Silvadene to my radiation burns. Instead of taking off, I was putting on. I glopped the thick, white cream on top of my burns in an effort to soothe the burning and itching. Layer upon layer, I applied the cream, waiting for it to sink in deep and do its healing work. The scars from the burns are deep and have made permanent marks upon my skin. I'm wondering if they'll fade way over time. Maybe when the radiation treatments are over, my skin will heal again, completely hiding the fact that I ever was burned. I'm hoping that over time my skin will look new again...fresh and rejuvenated, just like the walls with the fresh coat of paint.

Cancer has been messy. It has stripped away my dignity. It has robbed me of my femininity...but it has also revealed layer upon layer of deep seated emotions. As I peel back one at a time,  I learn something more about myself. The glue that has been holding me together has been my faith. Instead of wanting to strip away the glue, as I needed to do with the wallpaper removal, I don't want one tiny smidgen of my faith glue to be removed...in fact, I want more to be added!

There are layers of hurt and pain that have needed to be removed and I am thankful that Cancer has brought those to light. Without the experience of this deep level of physical suffering, those layers may have remained unexposed for years and years....but now I am able to peel them back one at a time, process them and move on. When all the layers, the protective layers that I've put up over the years, have been stripped away, all that will be left is my faith...the glue that holds everything together.

The buyers will never know the walls of their new house were recently covered in hideous, ugly wallpaper. All they will see is clean, nicely painted, smooth walls. And just like the vanity area, only I know all the hard work that went into peeling off layer after layer. Only I know the hard work that was involved in stripping it all away and it's the same way with this Cancer...only I know how it's changing me...stripping me bare and revealing weak spots that need a healing work...no, that's not entirely true...Jesus knows too because you see, He's the glue!

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