The Ocean's calling...

For days now I've had a deep yearning in my spirit, an unrest like no other. The only way I can describe it is an empty hollowness that I know so well. It comes when I am full of fear, when I'm feeling far away from God and when this feeling comes, I know what to do.Waves of fear have been washing over me for a couple of weeks now. They come and they go, rushing in and out. Sometimes they're shallow, tiny waves and other times they are huge, magnificent ones that engulf me.

The ocean has always been a place of solitude for me. Every year, I've made a special point to go and just sit on the beach watching and waiting. God always speaks to my heart at the beach. Maybe it's the huge expanse of sky that overshadows me there....maybe it's the vastness of the sea. I always feel closest to God when I'm on the beach. There's nothing else like it. The spray of the salt water in my hair, the warmth of the sun on my face, the sound of crashing waves, the constant call of shorebirds...oh how I love it!

But lately, I've been drowning in a sea of fear and worry. Cancer has washed over me with a powerful vengeance. I've been caught in the undertow of hopelessness. I've been struggling to break free and swim to shore.

Last night, I listened closely to the lyrics of one of my favorite songs by Hillsong. The song is appropriately titled "Oceans, where feet may fail." As I listened to it, my soul was poured into...I felt a sweet release.

In all of my blog posts, I try to be open and honest with my readers. I want them to feel what I feel through carefully chosen words that I write. I want them to understand my heart and know not only my pain, but also my deep faith in God. This song, Oceans- where feet may fail, embodies where I am right now. I'm surrounded by the deep waters of the unknown regarding my health. But while I stand in the midst of swirling waters, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am not alone. I know that Jesus is right beside me, holding onto me, and He won't let go. He's brought me here, you see. He has a purpose for me to step out into the deep. He wants me to look deep into His eyes as the waters rise and trust Him. He's been there for me all along. He always has and always will be with me. He's proven Himself faithful through the years and He knows me oh so well. He knows when I struggle against the tide. He patiently waits for me to lean back, relax, and just let the water carry me.

I've had a few rough days lately, I'll admit. I've felt the ocean calling. If there were any place I'd rather be right now than in Georgia, it's at the beach. I keep praying that I can find a way to go before my surgery and all the treatments begin, there isn't much time to pull it together...but I'm trying to make it happen. I need to be there.

Please take time to watch the video I've embedded in this post. It's about 9 minutes long but it will bless you and help you understand what I'm feeling. I think God creates a deep longing in our souls when He knows we need Him most...He woos us and bids us to come. He wants us to find that place of solace that only He can give. As the waves crash the shore, the deeper waters are still and calm. He's standing there with arm outstretched, waiting for me...

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Oceans - Where feet may fail by Hillsong