Bye Bye Boobies

Today was our last day at the beach and I wanted to come to terms with the fact that in just a few days I would be losing both breasts. The trip was supposed to help me take my mind off of the surgery and to some point it did, but I couldn't help but think about how drastically my life was about to change.

If I'd had my best friends with me, I'd have had a goodbye party for my breasts but since I was on a public beach, I had to think of a more discreet way to tell them goodbye. What could I do that wouldn't alert others to my secret goodbye ceremony?

The only thing I could think of was to write" bye bye boobies" in giant letters in the sand. I took off one of my sandals and used the edge of it as a writing tool. I carefully wrote out each letter and placed them high on the beach above the water line. As I was writing, I became very emotional.

I stood back to admire my completed work. I had even drawn a breast cancer ribbon beside the words. There. It was done. I'd acknowledged my sadness by simply writing in the sand. I sat down in my beach chair and cried. I could see the words I'd written clearly in front of me.

People walked past my sandy sign but only one of them stopped to read it. A young woman in a hot pink beach cover-up...she glanced at me and nodded as if she understood completely. A few minutes later, a huge wave washed up on the shore totally erasing my words. It's hard to describe how I felt at that moment. I was upset that my words were washed away but I also felt relief at not seeing them any longer. Just as quickly as I'd written the words now they were gone. It will be like that on Wednesday, I thought to myself...one minute I had breasts and the next I wouldn't. And did it really matter? Would anyone stop and notice? Probably not. Unless of course, like the lady on the beach, perhaps a fellow cancer survivor, someone might just pause and take it in with a deep understanding, with a heart of compassion.

And just like that, my party was over. I'd finished my grieving and now have moved into acceptance mode. It doesn't negate the loss or the pain, it's just time to move on. After all, the writing's on the wall now and not in the sand...

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