Right before Christmas, I was watching the movie, the Family Stone with one of my daughters. We've seen it dozens of times, but this time was different. In the movie, there's a scene were Diane Keaton is lying on her bed with her shirt unbuttoned. She has nothing underneath and as the camera zooms in, you can see an obvious mastectomy scar. Diane takes her husband's hand and slowly moves it toward her chest. With tear filled eyes, she longs to feel his touch again. It's always a very surreal but tender moment in the movie. I've seen that scene many times before but this time, it was almost as if I heard a small voice behind me saying "that's going to be you." Little did I know that indeed, not more than 6 months later, I was the one looking at my scars...
It's been one week and one day since my surgery. Today I went in for my post operative
report. I've been anxious about going for this visit because I knew I'd receive the results of my surgical pathology report. The results showed that I have metastatic
carcinoma in my sentinel lymph node. While I'm thankful there was no cancer
found in the other 5 nodes she biopsied, I was devastated to find out
that my cancer is spreading. I guess you'd say I got slapped in the face with reality today. Even after having both breasts removed, I haven't really accepted that I have cancer. Three little words...you have cancer. They are so devastating and change your life in a heartbeat.
My next step is to see the Oncologist, which will happen in about 2-3 weeks. We are waiting on results from the Oncotype test. That test will reveal how fast the cancer might spread and what types of treatment it will respond to best. I know I will have radiation and need to take Tamoxifen for the next 10 years but I'm not sure about chemotherapy yet. The test results will give us that information.
As Laura drove me from the doctor's office to pickup my surgical camisoles, all I could think was about how quickly the year is flying by. We're almost at the end of July and soon it will be August. Then Christmas will be right around the corner. As I thought of Christmas, my mind journeyed back to the movie. Diane Keaton has passed away by the time the family celebrates their next Christmas. Will that be what happens to me too? I'm not ready to read how the story of my life ends yet. I'm just feeling very numb right now and trying to process it all.
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Bonnie,
ReplyDeleteYou can't let your mind wonder into "what if" territory. Each one of us could lose our life today. We are not promised a specific amount of time. You do not want to waste the precious time that you have worrying the moments away. Stay encouraged. Make plans for the future. You have children and grandchildren who love you and will benefit from any wisdom and positive energy that you can muster. Tell your story and take photographs of your journey. Not necessarily the graphic nature of your cancer - although you would probably win some kind award for your creative writing and photography skills- but the beauty you see everyday. I know you are grieving your life as you knew it before the cancer diagnosis. I would be too. But you still have plenty of life to live. Now you have a reason to really live without regrets. Be who you are and keep moving forward. You and Phil are in my thoughts and prayers. Although I do not always comment, I always read your blog. Much love to you both
Karen G
Bonnie, this was NOT what I was wanting to hear. I'm so sorry about the cells in the lymph node. As you stated in an earlier post, this again has not caught God off-guard. I know the implications for treatment are much greater now and there will be new choices to make. All of this is hard, when your mind is still reeling from the report. In the meantime, know that I'm praying for you and asking God to still your anxious heart. " Be still (means relax in Hebrew) and KNOW that I am God". Psalm 46
ReplyDeleteMuch love,
Cindy Spicer
The faintest flicker of light shines brightest in the deepest darkness.