Tell all Tuesday

Every Tuesday, I try to give my readers a true glimpse of what it's like to fight in the war against Breast Cancer. Other days of the week, I try to use my real life experiences along with my faith in God to minister to others. Some of my readers may not want to read about the good, the bad, and the ugly. If you'd rather just enjoy the blog posts that uplift and encourage, today's not the day for you to read.

I want to give my readers a very clear picture of the challenges I face on a daily basis, but also want to make you aware that without God, I would not be able to face a single day. So let's begin.

Challenges I face on a daily basis:

• Getting dressed - if my husband isn't here to help me, I am only able to put on very loose button front shirts. My arms still aren't functioning at 100%. Since the lymph node removals in each arm, the skin and muscle are so tight and my range of motion is limited. I'm supposed to exercise daily to improve this and although it has loosened up some, I still can't bend my arms back enough to put on a shirt on my own. 
• Making the bed - In order to make the bed, I have to first remove the mountain of pillows that Hubby has carefully stacked up for me to sleep on. I throw them on the floor, one at a time, so I can pull the sheet up on my side of the bed. Then I walk around to the other side of the bed and pull that side of the sheet up. I continue with first one side and then the other until I can get the comforter on. Not being able to reach very far with my arms makes this challenging. It takes much more time to make the bed now than before. 
• Sleeping - Not only am I having difficulty getting to sleep but also with staying asleep. Part of this is due to being uncomfortable from my healing incisions and part of it is probably due to age and a lack of natural melatonin in my body. Hubby has been sweet enough to make me a wedge of pillows that will elevate my head and chest, then alongside of this, he makes 2 stacks of 2 pillows each for each arm to rest on. It's like a pillow recliner in the bed! Thank goodness we have a king sized bed or hubby would not have enough room to share the bed with me!
• Cooking - Since I'm still unable to lift more than a few pounds, cooking is a challenge. I can't even get a gallon of milk out of the fridge or the tea either. It's frustrating not being able to do what I want to do. 
• Driving - I'm not able to drive anywhere yet, nor would I want to right now. I'm sure just sitting behind the wheel and trying to turn the steering wheel would present a huge challenge. I've been staying in the house for the past 2 weeks. I'm starting to get cabin fever!
• Wound care - I'm supposed to rub oil on my incisions daily to help them soften and heal. I can only reach about half the length of the incisions because they start at the middle of my chest and go around and under my armpits and partially up my back. Hubby gets the icky job of smearing  lavender infused Emu oil on my incisions daily. I'm thankful he's willing to help!
• Showering - I can barely raise my arms up to wash my hair. Thankfully, we have a handheld removable shower head but, I can't even reach up to take it off the hook! Usually I get hubby to take it down for me before I shower. On days I forget to have him do that, I just do the best I can. 
• Reading - My hands and arms go numb a lot since surgery and that makes it difficult to hold and read a book. I love to read so I've remedied this by having audio books play on my computer. 
• Late day pain and soreness - By the end of the day, I have to take a pain pill. I don't like doing that but when the pain gets more than I can handle, I take one. I'm usually good from the time I get up ( usually between 5:30 and 6:00 a.m.) until 6:00 p.m. but after that, I really start hurting. 
• Housework - I haven't been able to do much during the day other than walking around the house trying to do what I can in the way of housework. Since I can't vacuum yet, either my husband or one of my daughters does it for me. I can unload and reload the dishwasher. I can do laundry but it's a challenge. I have to carry small loads to the machine and drop them in until I have a full machine. When they're done and it's time to take them out, I can't reach down into the drum of the machine (it's a top loader) to get the clothes out and put in the dryer so I have to either use a step stool or my grabber tool. I usually opt for the grabber tool because it is a little easier and I don't have to be afraid of falling off the step stool. When I use the grabber, I have to make many grabs to get all the clothes out and into the dryer. What normally would take me about 5 minutes, takes about 15! Don't take doing your laundry for granted!!

Blessings:

• Cards and letters - Though they have drastically slowed in the past few days, I still receive one or two cards or letters a day. I'm so thankful for friends who want to encourage me. 
• Visits - I've had a few family members stop by to see me. They always bring a smile to my face. Two new friends came by this week and brought not only meals, but items to help me through my cancer journey. What a joy it was to get to know them and spend time visiting with them. At the end of their visit, they took time to pray with me. Did you know not one single person has even offered to pray with my since my surgery? I was dumbfounded over that fact since most of my friends are devout Christians. 
• Packages - I've received a couple of unexpected gifts in the mail this week. I received a Brave Girl Box, a box made up specifically for breast cancer survivors, filled with necessities and treats for my upcoming treatments. I also received a package of essential oils from one of my daughters. The oils will be great for helping relieve muscles aches, mixing with my Emu oil for the incisions etc. 
• Wildlife - I know that's a strange blessing to include, but I love nature. God has allowed me to watch many hummingbirds this week as well as a pair of warblers, a pileated woodpecker, two deer, and some glorious sunsets. I savor the simple things in life now.

I spend my days writing letters or cards, calling or texting family members, blogging, or surfing the internet. For someone who's always been active and busy, I feel like I'm wasting tons of valuable time. Friends keep reminding me that I have to take it easy and give my body time to heal. While I know that's true, I'm very impatient and want to be able to do all the things I did before surgery. I'd love to be outside cutting the grass or in the mountains hiking. One of the things I miss most of all is being able to take photographs with my DSLR. My arms aren't quite strong enough to hold the camera just yet so I use my cellphone instead.

It could be very challenging to be alone in the house all day long if I didn't have a positive outlook and keep myself busy. I will say I have much more time now to read my Bible than ever before. The house is so very quiet it allows me to really absorb Scripture in ways I've never been able to do because of day to day distractions. I guess you could compare it to being cloistered in a monastery! I am thankful for the quiet and peace during the day but I am so thankful when my husband comes in from work and I finally have someone to talk with. I've made many new internet friends too, through Breast Cancer support groups. It's very helpful to talk with ladies who share the same experiences and I am overwhelmed by the number of us who are on this journey.

Next week will be a turning point for me as I meet with the Oncologist on August 7. I've tried not to focus on that visit but it looms over me like an ominous cloud. When I go, the Oncologist will reveal the results of my Oncotype DX test. My treatment hinges on what number I receive (between 0 - 100). I'm praying I get a low number (under 10). A low number will mean that I won't benefit from chemotherapy. A higher number will indicate a higher probability of my cancer recurring somewhere else in my body and therefore require chemotherapy to give me the best odds at living. I really don't want to go through chemotherapy. Did you hear the desperation in that statement? I REALLY DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH CHEMOTHERAPY! I've seen what it does to people. I can't even fathom all that poison flowing through my body killing not only the cancer cells but also the good, healthy cells. I'm praying for a miracle.

I don't spend every second of every day thinking about cancer. I know it must seem that way because that's basically all I've been blogging about and talking about since my diagnosis. I don't want to be defined by cancer and realize that often, without knowing it, I say "I have cancer." I don't really have it. It has me. I never invited it into my life. It has changed me in more ways than one. I never expected it.

I've tried not to share the gory details with you of my appearance. Each time I look in the mirror it's hard. It's a little too much to bear, but I'm sure you can use your imagination. I will tell you the surgeon went all the way down to my chest wall when removing tissue so I have two huge valleys where my breasts used to be. The incisions, while hideous to look at, remind me that I am still alive. I pray that none of you ever have to go through the agony of hearing "you have cancer" but if you do, please remember that life is worth fighting for and we are capable of doing much more than we ever imagined we could!

Yes, each day since my surgery has been difficult but things are getting better. I consider myself blessed to just be alive. Even with all the challenges in my day, they are nothing compared to what many others suffer. Hopefully, after you've read this post, you'll see that even though I struggle with some things, I choose not to let them get me down. I push through them. I am determined to make it. There are so many things for which I am thankful and I know this won't last forever.

God has been so good to me! He allowed me to come through surgery without complications. I was able to come home after one night in the hospital. I have been able to recuperate in a nice, safe, quiet environment. He's provided for us to be able to pay all of our medical bills to date. Each morning, when I open my eyes, I am grateful that I get to live to see another sunrise. Yes, having cancer sucks but there's so much more to my life than that. I am a fighter. I'm more than a conqueror, according to the Bible! My goal is to fight this fight and come through it with flying colors. I know I will be a different person when I come out on the other side of this, but hopefully I will be a much better person. There's a quote I'll use here "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." If I have anything to do with it, Cancer is not going to kill me but ultimately that decision is not mine...it's up to God. All I can do it take one moment at a time, one day at at time, and live my life to the fullest...and that's exactly what I'm going to do.

**If you read my blog, would you take just a minute to post a short comment below as to how my blog has impacted your life? (There's a comment button you can click) Also, if you'd like, let me know what you'd like to see me blog about in a future post. Thank you in advance and God bless you!

^"Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37-39

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