This is not a game (warning graphic picture in this post)

These are my drainage grenades

When the TV reality game show, Survivor, aired in May 2000, I was intrigued. I watched intently as a group of strangers was marooned in a desolate location. The group was given very little in the way of survival implements and had to learn to use what they had to make it through 39 days of game play.

During the time they were involved in the game, they were to use whatever method available to outwit, outplay and outlast the other members of the tribe. The last person standing would receive the title of sole survivor and receive a million dollar prize.

To make the show more interesting for TV, producers made sure to choose players with colorful character. Conflict often would boost ratings for the show. Although the game was manipulated to provide exciting TV content, the basis behind the game got my attention. I didn't focus on the social game they were playing but rather on the skill set that each member of the tribe had to draw on for strength. A few of the players boldly professed their faith in God while others vainly pumped themselves up. Their strategies and attitudes shifted and changed throughout the game. It was entertaining to say the least for the first few series. Now the game has become old hat and they are struggling to find new ways to make the show interesting again and hold viewers attention.

I always wondered what it would be like to be able to claim the title of sole survivor. I wondered if the players friends and even their enemies would hold them in high esteem after making it through the 39 days on the show. As honorable as that TV series title might seem to the winning player, the title does nothing more than represent an accomplishment in a game. It has nothing to do with the skills required to make it through real life situations like Breast Cancer.

Breast Cancer is not a game. It is a life changing event. Sometimes, it swoops in like a huge, black vulture seeking to gobble up its prey. Other times, it silently slides in like sunlight under a door gently moving along undetected. The people who end up in the Breast Cancer challenge don't get to choose whether or not they want to be involved. Breast Cancer does the choosing. There is no game host helping to pick players who might make the show interesting and fun.

Just a few days ago, I had surgery to remove both breasts. The moment the doctor removed that last piece of tissue from my chest wall I became a Breast Cancer Survivor. While this is a title that I am honored to hold, I would never have chosen it for myself.

These past few days have been very difficult. I've dealt with pain I've never experienced before- both emotionally and physically. I've had to accept the challenge of facing a new body image, one that is no longer healthy and whole. I've had to deal with the humiliation of having others help me dress and bathe. I've watched through tear filled eyes as my husband or daughter help empty my drainage grenades. I've had to be reminded daily that I no longer have my femininity. I have been humbled and abased but I am alive. I am surviving. I won't win a million dollar prize, but my life is much more valuable than that and I am honored to be able to feel my heart beating inside my chest. I am thankful that my lungs fill with life giving air. I am grateful for eyes that see and ears that hear. Survivor. I'll take that title and know I've earned it for now although my Cancer valley has just begun.

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