When my mom asked me to be a guest blogger for this post, I was kind of unsure what I was going to write about. I have had somewhat mixed feelings since first hearing from my mom that she had Stage 2 Breast cancer. Upon first hearing those words, I didn't know what to say. I just fell silent and listened as my mom explained what was going on; how she discovered she had cancer or just knew something was wrong. Then when I arrived at the hospital the day of her surgery for the double mastectomy, it still didn't feel real to me.
Even at this moment, it still doesn't feel real to me. I haven't cried about it or even had much to say about it. I am not numb; hear me out. I just don't know what to say. I have no words to really describe my feelings about the whole process. I do know that I am thankful to be here for my mom. Even though I live about an hour and 15 minutes away, I gladly have jumped into my car with my 1 year old in tow to drive that far to take my mom to her appointments and follow up visits. I am a stay-at-home mom so I have lots of time on my hands.
I guess really as I'm typing this it's hitting me. I am holding back the tears because now my mom is going through probably the hardest thing she's ever faced in her life...radiation. She goes 5 days a week to get "zapped," by a big machine. I worry sometimes because not only is it killing the bad cells but it's affecting the good cells in her body. She has to do this for 7 weeks straight. I overheard her telling a friend today that she's done with 10 treatments and only 25 more to go. 25! Wow, that seems like so much! I am concerned for her because I see how tired she is and that her arms are super swollen. And now her skin is becoming red from where the radiation is "baking" her skin.
But even though I see her in this weak state I know she is strong. I wish I had half the strength she has but this whole situation has forced me to fight to be strong for my mom. That's why I think I haven't really said much or really expressed my feelings. I have always kept my feelings inside, perhaps a weakness of mine. But writing this post is some what forcing me to think about my feelings out loud. It's kind of like therapy really.
As I think about everything my mom is going through and has yet to go through I know that in all this, God has a plan and a purpose. He's refining me through this process. He's teaching me to rely upon Him and to not worry. He's strengthening my faith. He's not surprised by all this. He knew even before I was born that one day my mom would go through this and that she would need strength from her middle daughter.
It was His plan for me to be a stay-at-home mom so that I could take my mom to her appointments and be here when she really needed me. I am thankful that God clearly revealed that to my husband almost a year ago. God is at work here people. Don't forget that! He's still on the throne and He's in control.
I know I may sound like I'm rambling and maybe I am but I am trying to express myself (probably not clearly) but I'm trying. I do know that there's a long road ahead and I will spend every little bit of time that I can with my mom for we are not promised tomorrow. I don't even want to think of losing my mom and so I won't. She's a fighter. She's a survivor. And so am I! I will fight alongside her. I will encourage her to survive.
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God had made you strong Laura just like Mom. He has chosen you to be mom's helper and I know she is in good hands. Thanks for sharing. You are amazing. :)
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