This is going to be a short post today because I'm not feeling well. The rough days seem to be outnumbering the good days now and it's definitely a challenge. Today will be my 18th radiation treatment.
Yesterday, the radiology techs noticed that my skin was really getting to be a dark red color so they asked me to wait while they talked to the doctor. After they spoke with her, she wanted to see me and look at my skin. Dr. Santiago seemed quite concerned as she checked me and wrote a prescription for Silvadine, a sulphur based ointment used for severe burns. She also gave me a cooling gel pack to apply as many times as necessary to help ease the discomfort.
On the way home from the radiation clinic, I stopped by the drugstore to have the medication filled. Thankfully, we've met our out of pocket expenses and there was no charge for the prescription. When I got home, I immediately took off my top and began to apply the Silvadine. It reminded me of a thick, diaper rash ointment I used to use on my children when they were babies.
Dr. Santiago told me that I needed to get as much air circulation as possible around my radiation burns and she wanted me to go topless as much as I could while at home. I felt funny sitting in the living room in my recliner without a shirt on. It was starting to get chilly here in Georgia and without a shirt on, I was even chillier.
I never knew burns could be so painful. I've burned myself many times throughout my life while either ironing or cooking. There were also some painful sunburns from Florida vacations, but nothing has hurt like radiation. I have a new found empathy toward burn victims. I can't imagine having 80 or 90% of your body burned. The pain must be excruciating! At least I'm not having to deal with debridement too.
Phil has gotten used to seeing me in a white wife beater tank top or without a top on at all. I have to admit, it's not a pretty sight, but you do what you have to do. I'm following doctor's orders. My skin has already broken down a great deal and with upcoming treatments, it will only get worse. The doctor said if it gets too bad, they'll stop treatment for a day or two to allow me to heal up some. I wish I could call in sick today...
What I'm thinking:
This has been the most challenging thing I've ever been through in my life. Every day is a struggle. I'm a pretty tough old broad, but I'm having a hard time with this. I wish my family members would call and check in on me. Sometimes I feel so alone in this. I wonder if they really know how hard it is to fight every single day. I don't want sympathy, just a little love. I'm still not sleeping well. Last night it's a wonder Phil wasn't bounced off of the bed. I try and try to get comfortable but it's hard. If I turn a certain way, it hurts and pulls. I would give anything for a solid 8 hours of sleep. I don't want to do anything. I stay in the house all day long other than to go to treatment and walk down to get the mail. This is not like me at all. I am wondering when I'm going to feel like my "old" self again...will I ever feel like my "old" self again? I wonder if I'm suffering from depression. I'm not a person who usually gets depressed. I wonder if the cancer is spreading...I haven't told anyone that my bones are hurting, especially my left shin bone. Last night it hurt so badly. Tylenol didn't help. I have to talk to the doctor about this. It's a huge concern for me, but my appointment isn't until the end of October. I pray it hasn't spread. I don't want to even think about it spreading, but it's a real possibility...
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