My husband's point of view

I'll never forget the day Bonnie called and told me she had Breast Cancer. I was at work. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I wanted to run. I wanted to get away. All I could think  about was finding a quiet place where I could be alone and just get on my knees and pray. The only place I could think of was the bathroom but that wasn't a good place to pray so I knelt down beside my work table and cried out to the Lord. I asked Him why this was happening to us. We had just moved into our new home and we had so many plans. God, are you trying to tell us something? My heart was breaking. I stayed down there as long as I could without getting into trouble at work and then I got up. The guy across from me had apparently seen me fall down on my knees and when I got up, he asked me what was wrong. My heart was breaking inside. I was so sad. I loved my wife so much and I didn't want to lose her. Tyrone, my coworker, told me that he was sorry to hear about my wife and that he would be praying for me. He told me to talk to him and just let it out. He said it was okay to cry and that it was understandable for me to be so upset. I was thankful he was there for me to talk to because he's my brother in Christ. It was so hard for me to continue working that day, but I knew I had to do it. On my way home from work, I continued to pray. I kept asking God why. I just didn't understand it.

When I got home from work, the first thing I saw when I came in the door was Bonnie coming out of our bedroom. I could tell she'd been crying. As soon as she saw me, she just about fell into my arms sobbing uncontrollably. I began to cry too. All I could do was hold her in my arms and tell her it was going to be okay, that we'd get through it. Even though I was saying those words, I knew in my heart that the only way we could get through it was to take one day at a time. I got on my knees in front of Bonnie and told her that no matter what, I would always love her. I asked her right there, on the floor of our walk in closet, if she would marry me again. We both cried and I just wanted to let her know that I'd love her no matter if she had breasts or not. She was my wife and I just wanted her to be alive and okay.

 I thought about my mother and how she had struggled with Breast Cancer. I knew how hard it was for her. I did not want Bonnie to have to go through the same thing. When Bonnie told me that she was going to have to have surgery, I was afraid. She told me that she was going to have both breasts removed and she'd probably have to have chemotherapy and radiation. I wished with all my heart that it wasn't true. She'd already been through so much in her life and now this.

I knew Bonnie needed to get away, so we went to the beach for a few days. While we were there, I tried to give her space to think about things. It was a time for both of us to just be still before the Lord. We had such peace while there and it was beautiful. We sat down on the beach one day and I was looking out at the ocean. Bonnie got up and walked over to the dunes behind me. She was barefooted and I glanced back to see her writing something in the sand with her toes. I didn't know what she was doing. Then she came up to the beach and in the wet sand wrote "bye bye Boobies" with a piece of driftwood. She stood there for a long time just looking at it. I sat in my chair and watched her. Soon the waves began to come up onto the shore and they started to get closer and closer to what she'd written. She stood there watching as each wave came closer and then, a big wave came and washed the letters away. When that happened, she had a look on her face that told me it was over.

 When we got back home, it wasn't long before we were planning her trip to Piedmont hospital in Fayetteville. The breast surgeon told us that she would be there overnight and possibly a couple of days if necessary. We had to be at the hospital early in the morning. I think we woke up at 4 a.m. to be there by 5:30 a.m. When we arrived at the hospital, they took Bonnie straight back and began hooking her up to IVs and doing all kinds of blood tests on her. I just stood there and watched. Jamie, Bonnie's daughter, and Jimmy, Bonnie's brother, came to the hospital early and got to see Bonnie before she was taken to surgery. I don't know how long Bonnie was in the operating room but it seemed like a long time. I know it was about 5 hours or more and then she went to recovery. I sat in the waiting room with several family members. There was a lot of chit chat between all of us but I couldn't focus on what they were saying too much. I just kept praying.

Finally, Bonnie got to come to her room. I was so sad when I saw her. She had IVs coming out of her and had drainage tubes coming out of her chest. She was in a good bit of pain. I didn't know what to do. She dozed off and on all day because of the morphine they were giving her but when she was awake, we laughed and talked. There was one nurses aide who was a big help to us. She did whatever Bonnie needed to be done. Every time Bonnie needed to get up to go to the bathroom, that lady helped. That night was a long one. I slept in the recliner in the room and it was so uncomfortable! I was too tall to fit in it so I tossed and turned all night. Bonnie didn't sleep well either. She was very uncomfortable. I was thankful when the doctor told us the next day that she could go home late that afternoon.

When we got home, I helped her get in bed and get comfortable. I think we had every pillow in the house piled up on her side of the bed! We were trying to make it so the pillows were a little mountain. It would help keep her propped up so the drains could work properly. With all those pillows in the bed, there wasn't much room for me! Bonnie kept worrying about me not having enough room. I just lay on my side and finally drifted off to sleep.

For the next week, I had to help Bonnie with the drainage bulbs in her chest. When I first saw them, it was so disgusting. I knew they had to hurt. I could see where they had made an incision in her side to place the drainage tubes. When I looked at her scars, it broke my heart. Just to see those two long cuts across her chest killed me. I was just thankful that she was alive. The scars didn't matter that much. I watched Bonnie get through those first few weeks and it was hard. She was in a lot of pain and struggled with many things. I did what I could to help but I just didn't really know what to do. Whatever she asked me to do, I did. Every day we had to put Vitamin E oil on the incisions. The first time I did it, it was really hard. As my hand slid along the incision where her breast used to be, I was sad. I thought to myself that I'd never get to see her breasts again. Even though I felt that way, I didn't tell her. All that mattered was that she was still here.

The incisions have healed up pretty good now but Bonnie's got a lot of swelling around her arm pits. She went to the doctor about it and they said it is Lymphedema. She has been going to a specialist in Fayetteville to have treatments done to help with that. They are going to get some compression sleeves and a compression top for her to wear.

We've been getting a lot of bills in the mail lately from the hospital, from labs, and from all sorts of medical places. I told Bonnie not to worry about going down to the mailbox to get the mail. I know she gets so worried and upset about all the medical bills we're receiving. When the bills come, I take them and put them away so she doesn't have to look at them. I'm having to call and make arrangements with the hospital to pay them. I'm working as much overtime as I can at work because I know we need the money. We have a lot of bills right now and it's hard because we didn't have any before this. We were in a good place. We had planned to have a good life.

Now Bonnie is having to go through radiation. She's getting tired from the treatments. I wish I could go with her each day but I don't have any more time off work. I know it's hard for her to drive herself. The doctor told her that her energy level will continue to go down as she keeps going through treatment. I try to help her do the housework but she tells me to let her do it while she still can. There are some things she can't do any more like lift heavy things or vacuum. I know she hates to ask me for help.

It has been so hard for me to watch my wife go through this. When you love someone, you don't ever want them to hurt. You wish you could take their pain away from them. All I can do is pray for her every day. I spend a lot of time praying. God is my best friend and I talk to him about everything. I know he hears my prayers and I'm asking him to let Bonnie and I have a long life together. It took me forever to find her and I don't want to lose her now.

©Phil Annis all rights reserved