The great pretender

A very tired me...no filters...a little lipstick and a little blush.

Today I realized that I'm tired...no, I'm more than tired...I'm completely exhausted. In fact, I feel like I have the flu. Every single move I make is an effort. The doctor warned me that this day would come. Today will be my 13th treatment. I'm not even halfway through radiation yet. I'm feeling very old and very tired.

I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. When the alarm went off at 5 a.m. I just wanted to turn over and go back to sleep but I couldn't. My car is in the shop having a cracked radiator repaired, so that meant I had to get up to take Phil to work in order to have the car for my treatment today. I had to physically make myself get out of bed and with great effort, put on my clothes and walked out the door. 

When I got back home from taking him to work, I crawled back in bed. Anyone who knows me knows I NEVER DO THAT. But this morning, I had to...my body was telling me it needed rest. I read my Bible and had my devotional time then asked God to please let me sleep for one more hour. I woke up just before 8, exactly one hour from the time I closed my eyes the second time. 

I didn't feel like eating anything but knew I need some energy so I made a protein shake in the blender. After drinking that, I put on a little makeup and took a phone call from my oldest daughter, Erin. I told her how tired I was feeling and lo, and behold...she imparted such wisdom to me that I had to ask her where it came from! She said, "Mom, you need to stop trying to be super woman. You need to rest. Your body is still in the healing stages. You're just barely into your radiation treatments. the radiation is killing both your bad and good cells. Your body needs rest to rebuild those healthy cells. You need to stop pretending that everything is okay and stop letting people only see your good side. When people only see a pretty, made up face, they think you'd doing great and everything is okay. You need to tell people when you don't feel well and tell them when you don't feel like visiting. Ask Phil for help. If you don't feel like doing the housework, don't. Let things go. Rest. Take care of yourself." I listened to her and took in every word. She was right. I hadn't really been letting people see the real me during all of this...I'd been hiding behind my makeup, pretending I was okay...pretending to be strong and together.

I made a commitment to myself today to stop pretending. I have very little excess energy these days anyway, and I'm not going to waste it on pretending, so I’ve decided to use it to be brave enough to see what is real, to believe what is real, and to live in what is real….whatever imperfect, broken, beautiful thing that ends up being from day to day.

In my mind I’ve been 25, healthy, and strong. But in reality, I'm 56, sick and weak. I have been 25 in my mind for years. (Well….maybe I have let myself get all the way up to 32 or 33...and held on for dear life really believing on some deep level that I could stop the clock until things were back to “normal," but it was never true and I knew it!) While this worked well as a survival mechanism for the last few years…(yes, I know it was crazy but I still held on tight to the hope that some days would actually feel like I was young again), I knew I had to face reality and face it now.
  
The mirror doesn't lie. I used to be able to stand a certain way in a certain light in certain outfits and it made it easy to fool myself that I could hold on to my youth. Those days are gone. My mirror is ever coaxing me into the wise woman years…..trying to convince me that it is good to be in your mid fifties. Although my photos look like a different woman all together…because you see, I can hide things in my photos. I can camouflage myself with makeup. I can use filters and adjust lighting. I can shave 10 or 15 years off easily. A good coat of makeup can hide my weariness very well. In fact, the 24 hour makeup I wear practically erases all of my wrinkles and hides all of my imperfections!

Today, I feel my age. I feel old. I AM OLD! Some days I actually weep over the loss of my youth. The truth is, I could not be the wild and wacky woman I am TODAY without all of the years it took to get here. I am the mother to 4 incredible children and 7 wonderful grandchildren. I have lived all of these years…I’ve won, I’ve failed, I’ve fallen, I’ve gotten back up…I’ve risked…I’ve shown up…I’ve gotten older, and older…and older...and even a little wiser...but yet, I still try to fool myself sometimes into thinking it would be better if only I was 30 again.

I wish I was one of those people I have read about who ease into aging with grace and excitement and enough wisdom to know that this is a very good thing. But I have been mourning and aching and fighting it…and, the worst part of all is that I have indulged in fooling myself into thinking that I would find the “cure” to it if I looked hard enough. So I've hidden behind makeup and hair dye. I've kept myself young artificially and I'm tired of it. It takes so much effort to keep myself up. 

Today I realized that I'm never going to be young again. Those days are gone. I loved them while they were here and I lived each one of them to the fullest but, I'll never get that time back. I am wasting valuable time by not living in TODAY. If I keep chasing the past, I lose TODAY. The thing about fooling yourself about ANYTHING at all is that you miss what is real……and the real stuff, with all of it’s ups and downs….and lately I've had more downs than ups. So today, I choose to enter into the "wise woman" years. The ones where I face my age and embrace it...where I can chose to wear makeup or not...where I can admit I'm tired when I am...where I can let others help me when I need it...where I hang up my superwoman cape and just may even retire it.

So I've written a letter to myself:

Dear Bonnie,

Stop pretending...stop acting like everything is okay. Give yourself the freedom to rest when you need to...to ask for help when you need to...learn to set boundaries...admit when you are weak because when you are weak, He is strong. Stop hiding behind makeup. Be proud of your wrinkles and gray hairs. You have earned them! Through years of caring for others, your body has etched time across your face. Those silvery white hairs are your crowing glory. They are evidence of a life lived with reverence and awe of a Holy God. 

If you continue to push yourself when you're tired...if you want to wear yourself out, suffer a lot and waste a whole lot of time…..keep on fooling yourself and clinging tight to what was in the past. If you want to be happy and get better sooner...get real. CLING TO TODAY….let go of the past. You are 56. You are wonderful. You are just right. PLEASE STOP MISSING OUT ON BEING 56.  

Your body is struggling and even though it might look pretty on the outside, there's a battle raging on the inside. The radiation is doing the work it was designed to do but in the process, it's killing and destroying the DNA of the cancer cells while at the same time, killing and destroying good, healthy cells. When your body feels tired, listen. It's okay to rest. When you take time to rest, you allow your body to recover from treatment. Don't expend unnecessary energy trying to do everything for everybody. This is the time God has set aside for you to be restored. 

No more pretending! From this day forward, you must admit your weaknesses. You must accept help when it is offered. You must be grateful for the prayers of your faithful friends. Allow God to do a mighty work in you during this time. He can use cancer as a tool for shaping and molding you into the perfect you He created you to be. Trust the process and let go of all pretense. It will be hard to remove the masks and let others see your weaknesses, your flaws, your imperfections...but in so doing, you allow your vulnerability to speak to others. You allow them to see that you are a real person just like they are...you are no better and you are no worse...you are just you. 

Don't be so hard on yourself. Learn to forgive yourself for pretending everything is okay. Let down your guard and let Christ fight for you. Remember He is your protector...He is your shield...He is faithful. 

Learn to celebrate the new you, and by the way, you will always be young at heart!
Love, 
Bonnie