Wearing down

Do you remember the Energizer Bunny commercials that were so popular years ago? This cute little wind up bunny went rolling from place to place while beating on his little drum. He never got tired, never stopped going, and it was all because of the Energizer batteries that someone had installed in his little bunny back. Well, I've been trying my best to be that little bunny. I've tried and tried to keep going non stop but it's just not working any longer. Today, I realized that I need my batteries changed...I need a reboot...I need some energy!

I completed my 9th radiation treatment yesterday and before leaving the clinic, the doctor said she wanted to see me. She needed to examine my throat. (I had told one of the nurses about my hoarseness and difficulty swallowing since the last treatment and she had reported it to the doctor.) In the exam room, Dr. Santiago had me open my mouth wide while she looked inside along the walls of my throat. When she was through with her examination, she asked me to wait in the room while she went to write a prescription for me. I almost laughed when she handed me the prescription and I read the name of the medication. It was called "Larry's solution." I wanted to say, "are you kidding me? Is this some sort of prophylactic you give to all your hypochondriac patients?" Dr. Santiago must have read my mind because immediately she said, "I don't know why this is called Larry's solution, but it's really good. It's going to make it easier for you to swallow and it will also numb your throat as you take it." Well, then...I guess it's legit!

I left the clinic knowing that I'd have a two day reprieve. I was extremely jovial with the staff as I passed each one and called out a cheery, "see you on Monday!" Now it was on to the pharmacy to get my "Larry's solution." I decided to go to the drive thru window because it was so hot outside and I was already feeling drained. When I pulled up and handed the prescription to the pharmacy tech, she looked at it the same way I did. "Ummm...can you wait a minute?" she said. "Sure!" I replied. I watched through the window as she went over to talk with the pharmacist. In a few minutes, she came back to the window and asked me to verify my date of birth and to spell my last name. She told me the prescription would be ready in about thirty minutes. I decided not to wait but pick it up later.

On the way home, I noticed something up ahead on the road but I couldn't tell what it was until I got a little closer. As I approached, I noticed three really large vultures (or buzzards as my Daddy used to say) munching away on some roadkill. I was going about 55 miles an hour and thought surely they'd move as I got close...well, they didn't. So I had to slam on my brakes to keep from hitting them and in the process, the car behind me had to slam on his brakes to keep from hitting me. The birds kept enjoying their lunch so I began wildly honking on my horn and finally they flew away. I guess that's what you get for living in the country, huh?

Once inside the house, I prepared a quick lunch and sat down to eat it. While sitting there, I began to think about how tired I was beginning to feel...not just today, but for the past few days. I'd seen a noticeable difference in my energy level. I'd found myself having to take a nap every day for the past few days and that is not something I normally do. I began to wonder if I would ever feel energetic again...if I would ever feel like doing things again...going places again...enjoying life again. I felt like I was in a dry, barren land. A land of death. I felt like any minute, vultures would be circling overhead, just waiting for me to give up and die. (The mind is powerful and can give great imagery to a visually minded person like myself.) I decided not to linger long in that scenario because it was too depressing. Instead, I began to think about the desert again. Yes, it was a hot, barren land most of the time. And, no...I've never seen one in real life, only in National Geographic magazines and on television movies...but Georgia summer weather, helps me understand how hot it can get there in the middle of a sun parched land. There's nothing beautiful in a scorched desert landscape...just miles and miles of sand and cacti...perhaps a tumbleweed here and there and if you look closely, maybe a rattlesnake or a lizard hiding in the shade of a three armed cactus or perhaps beneath a large boulder.

Right now, it feels like I'm wandering in that desert. As the sun rises on the desert, things begin to heat up quickly...there's very little shade. The ground cries out for life giving water...for relief. Daily, I deal with radiation. My body heats up when the radiation beams pass through it. I become burned from the powerful rays and my body longs for relief. I am tired and weakened by the constant barrage of radiation killing my cells...just like the powerful heat of the noonday sun singes everything on the dry desert floor.

But even the desert doesn't stay dry and barren forever! Heavy rains come and flood it with sustaining water. Plants open and bloom, reaching wide for every last drop of life giving sweetness. The cracked, barren places are filled to overflowing and suddenly, there is hope! I had to see myself this way, too. Although right now I am struggling, feeling like I'm in the midst of a desolate place...I have to remind myself that I won't be here forever. God will shower me with His love and when it's time, I'll pass through this desert and on to green pastures. Those buzzards circling over head will fly away realizing that on this day, they won't receive a free meal. I'm not going to lay down and die, although it would be so easy to choose to do so. I have to find the energy to continue on. Yes, I am parched and weary, but I see some shade up ahead and a tiny storm cloud just on the horizon.

26 more treatments to go...and even still, only God knows when the rains will come to nourish and replenish. I am looking forward to that day. I want to have my energy back again...and then, like the Energizer bunny, I can keep going, and going, and going....

©Bonnie Annis all rights reserved

 1The wilderness and the dry land shall be glad; the desert shall rejoice and blossom like the rose and the autumn crocus.

² It shall blossom abundantly and rejoice even with joy and singing. The glory of Lebanon shall be given to it, the excellency of [Mount] Carmel and [the plain] of Sharon. They shall see the glory of the Lord, the majesty and splendor and excellency of our God.

³ Strengthen the weak hands and make firm the feeble and tottering knees.

⁴ Say to those who are of a fearful and hasty heart, Be strong, fear not! Behold, your God will come with vengeance; with the recompense of God He will come and save you.

Isaiah 35:1-4 Amplified Bible (AMP)

12 Blessed (happy, to be envied) is the man who is patient under trial and stands up under temptation, for when he has stood the test and been approved, he will receive [the victor’s] crown of life which God has promised to those who love Him.

James 1:12Amplified Bible (AMP)