I'll admit it. I'm a worrier. I always have been. Even though I know I'm not supposed to worry, I do. Someone once said that worrying shortens your life and that's probably true...even so, I worry. I've been worrying about my upcoming surgery, worrying about recovery, worrying about treatments, worrying about medical bills, worrying about how those bills are going to get paid, worrying about losing my hair, etc., etc., etc. I know, it's silly to "borrow trouble" as my grandmother used to say,...so why am I worrying?
My husband has been so concerned about my lack of sleep that he took me to a mattress store the other day and told me to pick out a new king sized set. I felt like a silly school girl going from one mattress to another lying down and "experiencing it" (as the salesman put it). After testing out about 5 or 6, I'd come to a decision and we quickly made our purchase and went home.
The mattress set was delivered yesterday. How nice it was to see the 10 year old one being removed and the new one set up in its place. I couldn't wait for the delivery men to leave so I could get on it and see how it felt.
When they left, I crawled up into the middle of the bed and just lay there. It felt amazing! The soft plush top with a firm foundation cradled my body as the cooling gel pad gave instant comfort. This was going to be nice. As I lay there, my brain went into overdrive.
This time I wasn't worrying, I was just "pondering" to use a biblical term. As I was thinking deep thoughts, I began to realize that some of the things I'd been wrestling with were lies. Let me give you my list:
Lies I've believed lately (whether for a second, several minutes, several hours, or several days):
1. I'm going to die from Cancer.
2. My husband is not going to love me or be attracted to me any longer once I have my breasts removed.
3. We're going to go bankrupt from massive amounts of medical bills.
4. My life is over and I'll never be the same.
Those are pretty heavy lies to believe but the truth is, they did travel through the recesses of my mind and dug in there for a little while. Some of them lounged around and kicked off their shoes making themselves right at home. Others snuck in through the back door of my mind and stealthily crawled across the floor until they found a good hiding place and quietly rested there. All of them had a good time hanging out with me, tormenting me, stealing my sleep but then...
Last night, after talking with several of my friends, I decided to try some Melatonin. It's a natural hormone that your body makes to help you know when to sleep and when to wake. About half an hour before bed, I took one of those little gems and lay on my bed waiting for the sweet gift of sleep to come.
It came all right! I slept from 11 last night until 7 this morning! That's the first good night's sleep I've had in over a week. I feel refreshed and alive. I feel new and revived! And that led me to do some deep thinking this morning. I knew I had to counter those lies that I'd allowed to take up residence with the truth. As I read my Bible this morning, I received answers that countered those lies.
Truth:
1. While I may ultimately die from Cancer or something related to it, only God knows exactly when and where and how I'm going to die. I'm not going to die one second before He intends me to do so. He has numbered my days.
2. Yes, my physical appearance will be greatly altered and I will have hideous scars but the outside of me doesn't define the inside of me. My husband knows me inside and out. He's seen the "good, the bad, and the ugly" and he loves me inspite of it all. He vowed to love me "for better or worse, in sickness and in health," and he meant it. God will help him get through this.
3. We will have many medical bills in the days ahead and they'll keep coming as I go through various treatments, return for checkups, have lab work done, etc. But...God knew way before I ever did that this disease was coming. He is Jehovah Jireh and He will provide. We do have health insurance for which I am very thankful. My husband has a good job and gets a good bit of overtime. God has kept him healthy and strong so he can work to provide for us. God will meet our every need not because we need Him to or want Him to...but because of who He is and because He loves us.
4. Yes, my old life is over. I'm going to have to learn a "new normal." I won't ever be the same and I'm glad. Hopefully, I will be a more compassionate and caring person. Hopefully, I will live in the moment instead of worrying about tomorrow. Hopefully, I'll learn to rest and not feel guilty about it.
I'm tired of wrestling with myself. I'm tired of being tired! I'm thankful that after a good night's sleep I was able to see a little more clearly. I'm thankful for my new bed and for my new friend, Melatonin, but most of all, I'm thankful that I have my faith to carry me through this journey. Without God by my side, I don't think I'd make it. God didn't give me something I could handle. He gave me something I simply couldn't have handled without Him.
© Bonnie Annis all rights reserved
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