The nutritionist says...

Yesterday was my visit to the cancer wellness center to meet with the nutritionist. Last week, when I visited Dr. Feinstein, he suggested I meet with a nutritionist. I'm thankful the wellness center offers that service free of charge to breast cancer survivors.

I had no idea what to expect when I walked into her office. A very petite 30 something woman sat before me. She greeted me cordially and we began to talk a little about my experience with cancer. She listened intently as I described my stage, treatment, and current situation. Now it was time to get down to the nitty gritty...

"Why are you here, exactly?," she said. "Well, my oncologist thought it would be a good idea since I'm taking a natural approach to staying healthy instead of taking Tamoxifen, Arimidex or any of those other anti-hormone therapies." "Okay, so let's talk about your diet," she said. So I proceeded to give her a break down of what I usually eat for each meal. She looked shocked when I finished. "Wow, you eat really well! You are doing exactly what you should be doing." I wanted to jump up and down and say, "I KNOW! I KNOW!" but I restrained myself.

She began printing off documents from her computer and turned to me saying, "so, what would you say your goal is right now?" The first thing that came to mind was to say, "just to stay alive" so that's what I said. "That's a good goal!," she said. I also told her I'd like to lose some weight. I explained how frustrated I was at having a super slow metabolism. Ellen, the nutritionist, looked confused. "How do you know you have a slow metabolism?" I told her that no matter what I did or didn't eat, I could never lose a pound. Even when I added lots of exercise, nothing helped. When I told her about having had my thyroid gland removed in 2005, she was able to understand a little better and agreed with me.

"Why don't we just focus on making healthy eating choices and not focus on losing weight?," she said, "if you continue to eat lots of fresh fruits and vegetables like you've been doing and increase your activity, I'm pretty sure the weight loss will follow."

Ellen

Ellen handed me a stack of printouts. There was one was on Organic foods and cancer, another was on plant based diets and phytochemicals, and the last one was a 1600 calorie menu planner with many pages of diet information. I told Ellen that I don't think I ever ate 1600 calories in a day. My diet was usually around 1200. She explained that she'd based that calorie count on several factors including my BMR (basal metabolic rate.)

I sat there looking over the papers and happened to glance down at her shoes. (She had on some really cool shoes!) I wanted to say something about them but thought it might seem a little weird, but then...I couldn't help it! "Those are the coolest shoes!," I said. She glanced down at her feet and then a big smile came across her face. "Thank you! You just made my day!" I asked where she'd purchased them and she told me. I love quirky, different looking shoes. Hers were an olive drab colored canvas similar to the Converse high tops I wore in high school but these had a unique fold down tongue and side flaps. As we were talking about the shoes, a guy came walking into her office and looked directly at me said, "it's time for your drum lesson." Ummmm....you can't imagine the shocked look on my face. I thought he was kidding but it turns out he wasn't!

Ellen and I were finished and as I told her thank you, the guy was grabbed hold of my hand and pulled me gently down the hallway. I looked back at Ellen with a "help me???" look on my face. She just smiled and sat down to do some paperwork.

Rounding the corner, the guy took me into a room filled with leather chairs and sofas. He motioned for me to have a seat and being the compliant person that I am, I sat down. He handed me a drum...but not your typical drum, it was an African drum. He took one and placed it between his thighs and asked me to do the same...which I did. Can I tell you, I was feeling really weird and really uncomfortable but then, he began to show me the various drum strokes to play the Djembe (the African drum made of wood shaped like a huge challis with a head made of goatskin stretched over the top of it.) I watched in amazement as he began to stroke the drum. The sounds resonated throughout the room and began to get louder as he continued playing. "Now you try it," he said.

I took my drum and followed along as he taught me the 3 types of strokes used to play this instrument. The first stroke was a bass stroke where the whole hand was used to hit the surface of the drum firmly. The second stroke involved only the meaty part of your hand, just below your fingers, and this stroke was made squarely along the outer rim of the drum. This stroke was called the tone stroke. The last stroke involved the meaty part of the palm and the fingers, again along the outer edge of the drum and it was called the slap stroke. As I practiced each stroke, I was beginning to loosen up and have fun!

The instructor told me to close my eyes and practice the strokes while saying "pepperoni and spaghetti." He said the words gave the proper cadence to the strokes he was teaching me. I felt silly sitting there in a room alone with a man I'd never met before with a big wooden African drum between my legs, eyes closed saying "pepperoni and spaghetti...PEP per oni and SPA ghetti, PEP per ONI and spa GHETTI"  As he changed up the emphasis on the words, he changed the type of stroke we played on the drum.

We sat there playing our drums for about an hour. As the beat became more natural, I was transported into a dusty, poverty stricken land surrounded by tattered children. I could just imagine all of us sitting there underneath the Baobab trees gathered into a loose circle as the elders led us in some sort of ceremony with drums beating and shirtless women dancing. It was the weirdest thing ever, just like I had stepped into a National Geographic documentary on African music.

The rhythmic drumming was hypnotizing, but not in a bad way. It was very peaceful and as I kept drumming, the instructor began to tell me a little of the drum therapy program here at the wellness center. He explained that the drumming was a wonderful stress reliever and something about Oncolytic Immunotherapies and T cell production. I didn't really listen because I was "into" my drumming. I felt connected with the native peoples through their music.

When it was time for the class to be over, I didn't want to leave. Isn't that funny? At first, I had felt totally out of place and strange about even picking up the drum and holding it. The pepperoni and spaghetti part made me want to burst out laughing but now, it all came together. 

The cancer wellness center at Piedmont Hospital is a wonderful resource. They offer free programs to help cancer survivors thrive. There are cooking classes, art therapy classes, writing classes, drumming, massage, yoga, group therapy, and other programs offered weekly. Each of these programs help those of us who continue to struggle to find our place in the world feel a little more grounded. The programs are set to reach a wide range of women and some of them participate in every class offered. I like to choose ones that include things I enjoy already like the art and writing classes. 

It's nice to know the doctors aren't only concerned with helping us through the immediate crisis of cancer but also want to help us be successful in returning to our daily lives. It's a huge struggle for many of us who have experienced devastating physical changes. The cancer wellness center is a wonderful place for overcoming the emotional pain that cancer inflicts upon its victims. 

Nutrition plan, check. African drumming, check. What's next you say? Well, you'll just have to wait and see. I do know that I'm not just going to sit around on my duff and rot. I've got a whole lot of living left to do! 

 “The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn.” ~ T.H. White

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Note to self, always wear waterproof mascara!

Here I go again. It's been another very emotional day for me. More and more frequently I find myself crying over things that touch my heart...for those I love so deeply, friends and family...for those who die at the hands of the merciless...for the homeless...for those who need but have not... for those fighting their own battles with cancer. There seems to be so much pain in the world today and yet, even amid the pain, there are those who love through their tears.

I never used to be so weepy, although I've always been very tenderhearted. When I was a child, I cried with my closest friends over banged up knees or other childhood disappointments. I always wanted to rescue the lone, lost scraggly little dogs wandering along the highway's edge and often I did. My heart overflowed with compassion and mercy for others. Sometimes I thought it was a huge burden to be so filled with love for others but now I realize it is a wonderful gift, although it can be very painful at times.

In previous posts, I've written about an internet friend and fellow breast cancer patient, Kara Tippetts. I've followed her story for months and months now. Each morning, I check in to her blog site for updates. For the past few weeks, she's been in hospice care and her condition continues to decline. I know it won't be long before we're saying goodbye to Kara. I've cried countless tears for Kara but the tears aren't full of sadness...there is joy there also because I know that Kara, when she leaves this earth, will be finally home. The reality of her situation has been too real to me. Our cancer stories are so similar. As she comes closer and closer to the end of her life story, I can't help but wonder what my story will be...

I knew it. I should have put on waterproof mascara today, but it's so hard to remove that sometimes I opt for the regular kind of mascara. On days when I'm in a particularly emotional mood, I can end up looking like a raccoon from crying so much. Black watery trails of mascara stream down my face as I weep and pray. God knows my heart is so full that it can't help but overflow. Albert Smith once said that "tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it" and that statement is so very true. Tears help provide an emotional release for deep seated concerns. It's been scientifically proven that shedding tears is actually good for us. It helps to lower our manganese levels and allows a type of cleansing to take place.

So why have I been so filled with emotion today? My heart goes out to Kara's family as they begin to grasp the fact that she won't be with them much longer. I can't help but put myself in her place as she watches daily as her life begins to slip away. How do you learn to let go of your grasp on everything you know and have found comfortable in this life? How do you edge slowly toward the great chasm between Heaven and Earth ready to slip your hand into His? How do you say goodbye to the ones you love so dearly...and how do you do it with grace? Kara is teaching us.

Daily as I read Kara's story, I learn more about how to die with dignity. She is suffering and in great pain but she finds ways to minister to others through it. She hasn't turned inward focusing only on herself and her needs; she's unselfishly sharing her heart and her faith in the midst of her greatest struggle.

My tears today have been complex. Who can truly understand why God allows the righteous to suffer? And yet, as followers of Christ, we have to accept the fact that often He does choose to use suffering as a teaching tool. I've cried for myself many times over the last year as I processed my breast cancer diagnosis. I've also cried at my lack of trust for sometimes I wondered about God's reason for my journey. I've cried at my lack of understanding and I've cried over the countless number of women who either currently have or will have breast cancer. I've cried for my daughters and my granddaughters begging God to have mercy on them and keep them safe from a future filled with cancer. The tears have flowed freely and abundantly.

But today, on Kara's blog, I read of her youth pastor's visit. He is taking her through a Bible study on Psalm 119. Today's verses touched me... "I know, O LORD, that your rules are righteous, and in faithfulness you have afflicted me. Let your steadfast love comfort me according to your promise to your servant. Let your mercy come to me, that I may live; for your law is my delight." Psalm 119:76,77. Those verses...oh those verses! Read them over again and again. Allow the truth of them to sink down deep into your heart. This is what stands out to me -
The Lord, the righteous ruler of Heaven and Earth, is faithful and even in His faithfulness, He allows suffering. But in the midst of my suffering, His steadfast, neverending, never changing love will be my comfort and His mercy will cover me. No matter what happens, I will live and live for Him only delighting in the laws He has set forth.

Pain and suffering are temporary but can have eternal reward. If the example of the way I've lived my life can touch someone and inspire them to seek after the Lord, then all of my suffering and pain will have been worthwhile.My only hope is that like Kara, I will have lived my life well. I will have shown others what faith in God really means in the midst of my everyday, mundane living.

Some days I cry a lot and other days I don't cry at all. Some days I cry for myself and other days...I can't contain the tears for others. Either way, I know that God understands my tears and he holds them precious in His sight. Even Jesus wept when He was overcome with grief, so I know He knows exactly how I feel on the days when I just can't seem to stop crying.

Space Cadet-ish

Space cadet:

n. A person who tends to "space out" often. He or she does not respond when directly spoken to. The space cadet is not necessarily a person of low intelligence or a heavy drug user, but rather one who is so easily lost in reverie that he or she loses all awareness of the surrounding physical world.

Yep...that's me. I haven't been able to focus on anything over the past few weeks, and while that's not too unusual, since I have probably been this way to one degree or another since I was a child, I've noticed it more of a problem recently. I have no explanation. I could try to blame in on the new medication, Tamoxifen, or I could try to blame it on post surgical depression and truth be told, it's probably a combination of both...but, I just have no desire to do anything.

To give you an example of how spacey I've been feeling, I actually deleted my blog this morning. I thought it was time to take it down. I figured no one was reading it but a few family members and maybe one or two friends, so why keep it going? Why would anyone want to read it anyway? It's full of ramblings and occasionally a philosophical post or two. I've tried to infuse my strong faith in God in most of my posts, but often, I've fallen short and have just written exactly what I was thinking at the time. No train of thought...nothing cohesive. I pity you for being here reading today if you are, because I have no unearthly idea where this post is going right now. 

The hot flashes and night sweats from the Tamoxifen have been about to drive me insane. I've already been there and done that when I went through menopause about 10 years ago. I certainly don't want to experience those symptoms again! I've even noticed some mood swings and being back on the emotional roller coaster again...oh what a fun ride, NOT! My breast surgeon told me when I was there for my 6 month check up that she would be happy to write a prescription for Effexor for me. She said it practically eliminates the hot flashes and other symptoms related to Tamoxifen. But I looked it up. Thanks Google....thanks for giving me more information I didn't need to know. Effexor is an anti-depressant. Oh. Well, I guess I could need that but why would they prescribe it for the side effects from Tamoxifen? I did more research. Apparently, Effexor has the magical medicinal properties that cancel out those hot flashes etc. because it can overpower your brain and do some weird VOODOO on your Serotonin levels making you feel good...real good. Hmm. 

If I'm a space cadet now, I wonder how I would be while taking Effexor. Would I just be a happy little space cadet? Would I just be happy to have no direction or purpose? I guess the Serotonin levels being bumped up a little couldn't be a bad thing could it? But then, I think about all the medications I am currently taking...there are 3 blood pressure meds, the medication to replace my thyroid hormone, the medication to control my acid reflux/GERD, the medication to chill out my adrenal gland hormones, the Tamoxifen - to supposedly ward off any recurring cancer by binding to and blocking any production of Estrogen in my body, and then there are all the vitamins I have to take...Potassium, Magnesium, Vitamin D, and Calcium, none of which are optional because they support the work that some of the other medications are doing.

I think I'm on a Ferris Wheel. I can see the empty seats in front of me and I know there are empty seats in back of me, even though I don't want to look and see them. The guy is about to throw the switch. I see him with the huge lever in his hands as I look way down from my position at the top. Is that a grin on his face? I think it is! My seat is starting to rock slowly backward and forward even before we begin moving. I'm trying to keep still as much as I can but it's futile. Suddenly, the lights come on along the edge of the Ferris Wheel. They look pretty! They're glowing like twinkly little Christmas lights. The music begins to play, an indescribable, unfamiliar circus tune and then....I want to get off. I know where this is going...nowhere. It's going to go around and around and around. I won't be getting anywhere. I won't be making any progress. I'm feeling a little light headed. 

So should I or shouldn't I? Do I need the new medication to help with my spaciness? I don't know. I'm afraid to take another medication. With all the ones I'm on and with all of their side effects, how can I even function? It's a wonder I can function at all...prescription medications aren't so very different from street drugs other than they are a little more controlled and regulated. They all mess with your mind and I want to keep my mind as clear as possible. I want to be able to think and remember what I was thinking. I want to keep a train of thought. I don't want to feel spacey. 

And here I am on a rainy, dreary, Sunday afternoon wondering what to do. I reinstated my blog, as you can see, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this today. I want to keep it. It's a kind of therapy. It lets me process my thoughts and nobody has to read it unless they really want to read it, but maybe, just maybe, there's someone else out there who feels the way I do at times and perhaps my blog will help them in some small way. I sure hope so. 

William Shakespeare said "Give sorrow words, the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break." I guess I'm still feeling the side effects of the emotional trauma from my surgery. Daily I feel the physical trauma but it's easier to deal with than the emotional aspects of breast cancer. I am still grieving the loss of the life I once had. For some, that may seem silly. They may take the attitude, "just suck it up and get over it. Be thankful you're alive. Be thankful they found the cancer in time. You should be overjoyed." Well, unless you've traveled a mile in my moccasins, don't judge me. I'm doing the best I can. Some days are better than others but today, I'm a little spacey. I'm sure tomorrow will be a better day.

Why do I suddenly feel the need to speak in movie lines right now. I just thought about Scarlett O'Hara and her famous movie line as she lies crying on the beautiful red carpeted staircase. She's lying there bawling and hearing the voice of her father telling her that land is the only thing that lasts, the only thing that matters. She listens intently and starts thinking about returning to Tara, her beloved home, and devising a plan to get Rhett Butler back. As the movie ends, Scarlett raises her tearful face and says..."After all, tomorrow is another day." Her comment implies there is hope...there's always hope. And I know there is. I haven't given up, I'm just on the ferris wheel trying to get there. 

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Please stop the merry-go-round, I want to get off!

Life is hectic, especially this time of year with the holidays right around the corner. Today, my husband and I had the brilliant idea of going to the grocery store, the cupboards were bare and I hadn't been shopping in over a month. It was a rainy, dreary November day and surely no one would be out in this nasty morning weather...wrong! When we arrived at the store, the parking lot was full. After circling a time or two, we found a parking space, parked the car and went inside.

In the store, there were people everywhere frantically scurrying around to buy their Thanksgiving meal items. It was so overwhelming! My sweet husband, Phil,  must have noticed my anxiety because he took me by the arm and led me toward the deli section. He leaned over to me and sweetly said, "just calm down. I know you're trying so hard. Let me help. Just tell me what you need and I'll go get it." Together we managed to weasel our way through the aisles dodging elbows and ankles with our shopping cart. People were pleasant and courteous to one another saying "excuse me" and "thank you" as we all made our way to our various destinations. I was happy that holiday angst hadn't taken hold of people here yet.

The faster we traveled through the store, the more overwhelmed I became. Everywhere you looked there were people blocking the aisles! Phil asked what the next items on the list were and I told him as he made a mental note and told me to stay put. I stood there in the aisle looking bewildered as he quickly dashed off to retrieve the frozen food items. Watching the people darting around made me nauseous. Everyone was in such a hurry. No one paid me any attention as I stood hunkered over my shopping cart handle holding on for dear life. My back was really hurting and I felt like I had the flu. Every joint and muscle in my body ached.

When Phil made his way back to me, he could tell it was too much. Teary eyed, I told him it was time to go. He asked if there was anything else I needed and I replied, "no, let's just go home now." So we made our way to the registers to check out.

A couple of weeks ago, my Oncologist, Dr. Feinstein, had prescribed Arimidex for me. It's an anti hormone therapy drug that blocks estrogen in the body. Since my cancer was fed by estrogen and progesterone, he wanted me to start taking the medication immediately after I had finished radiation. He mentioned a few side effects that might be bothersome, like muscle aches and pains, nausea, insomnia, etc. I had no idea that I would suffer most if not all of them.

While putting away the groceries, I began thinking and wondering if perhaps I should stop taking the medication cold turkey. It's been so difficult to struggle through the mood swings, the tearfulness, the back pain, the aching muscles and joints. I've just felt so unlike myself and I don't like the way I'm feeling. I'd much rather not be on the medication and have a better quality of life.

For months and months I've felt like I was on a merry-go-round that's been slowly picking up speed. When I first got on, it was one doctor after another, then one treatment after another, and now it's one symptom after another. I'm ready to get off! I feel like my head is spinning and my eyes can't focus on anything. I feel totally out of control.

Tomorrow I'm going to call Dr. Feinstein's office and tell him my plan. He'll probably encourage me to give it a few more weeks, but I'm not going to agree to that. I know there are many other anti hormone therapy drugs out there and maybe one of those wouldn't have so many side effects. Then again, do I have to take one at all? I just don't know. All I can do it trust his expertise. I certainly don't want to have the cancer come back again, but I don't want to live a life that is full of pain and agony either.

When I was a child, I used to love merry-go-rounds. It was so fun to have someone push you faster and faster as the wind whipped through your hair and you held on tight so you wouldn't fall off. When it started to go too fast, I would always take my foot and hold it over the edge barely touching the ground slowing things down a bit. When I was ready to get off, even if the merry-go-round hadn't completely stopped, I'd just jump off. Back then, I would be laughing the entire time. Now, I'm not laughing...I'm crying.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved