Just stuff...

Sleep? What's that?  I haven't been sleeping well for months and months. I've tried so many things. My Oncologist gave me a prescription medication that knocked me out but made me feel totally out of control the next day. I knew I couldn't function like that so, I tried Benadryl. It worked for an hour or two but then I was wide awake again. I tried Advil PM, which combines Advil and Bendaryl, and it worked great...until a fellow survivor told me it interacted negatively with Tamoxifen so I had to stop taking it. Now, I'm taking Melatonin and it seems to be working pretty well, but gives me some really strange dreams. At least I'm getting some uninterrupted sleep. What a huge difference it makes to wake up feeling rested. I definitely don't take sleep for granted. And neither does my husband, who only gets a tiny sliver of the bed to himself. With all the pillows neatly and precisely arranged to provide the most comfort to me...he is left clinging to the edge. He says he doesn't mind, but he can't possibly be comfortable. Hopefully I won't have to keep my arms elevated at night for much longer and pillow mountain can come down.

Plus size, Please! It's pretty sad to say that at 57 years old, I need help getting dressed. Unless I choose a button up blouse, Phil has to help me put on my top and take it off. Not only do I have to choose a button up top, but I have to buy shirts a few sizes larger now just to accommodate my huge swollen arms. The swelling in my arms continues and even though the surgeon said it should wane over time, it hasn't. One day last week, Phil tried to help me peel a top over my head and it got stuck on my fat arms. I thought we were going to have to cut it off! (If you'd been a fly on the wall of our bedroom, you would have seen me bending over at the waist, top half on and half off, while Phil tugged trying to get me free! He was tugging so hard I thought I was going to go flying backward across the room and land smartly on my best asset.) Needless to say, I won't be wearing that shirt again! I usually opt for stretchy knit shirts because they are a little more comfortable and forgiving of my swollen arms. Cotton, not so much.

Lumps, bumps, and bruises: There's a huge knot of scar tissue and fluid just under my right armpit. It feels like a baseball. My breast surgeon said we could try to massage it daily and see if the tissue will loosen up and the fluid will dissipate. Phil's been diligently doing that every night for me but so far, there hasn't been much change. The next step is to go in and have it drained or surgically removed. There are also several really hard bumps along the line of my incisions. I don't know if they are from the after effects of radiation or what. I'm keeping my eyes on them because any new growth could be another cancerous tumor lurking in the shadows. I bruise pretty easily now. Tamoxifen is known to cause blood clots so I have to take an Aspirin a day to help combat that. Aspirin thins the blood. So, when I bump into things, I bruise. I bump into things a lot.

I am on the 20 mg tablets of Tamoxifen, this is the 10mg bottle

There's a pill for that! In order to stay on top of my medication, I've set reminders in my cell phone at various times of the day. Whenever it's time for my Tamoxifen, The Imperial March (Darth Vader's Theme) from Star Wars sounds off loudly. You may think that's strange but you'd have to know me well to know how much I love Star Wars! It's a challenge to take Tamoxifen. It gives me some funky hot flashes and mood swings. Sometimes I feel really dingy shortly after taking it and I know it means the medication is floating through my body. Tamoxifen is also causing my hair to do some strange things. It's making it very thin and lifeless. I've always been proud of my looks...now, not so much.

My friend, Julia, made me a hat to cover my thin hair

It's only Agoraphobia: There I said it. I don't really have a fear of leaving my house (I don't think), but I choose not to most days. I feel more comfortable here at home where I don't have to hide my appearance from anyone. I know I need to get out. I need to make some new friends but it's hard. This Thursday is art therapy class at the Cancer Wellness Center. Phil wants me to go. I know I need to, but it's going to be a real challenge. I've only been once but the ladies were welcoming. 

Time on my hands: Yep. I have an abundance of free time. So what do I do with it, you say? I write lots of letters, read lots of books, craft when I feel up to it, clean my house, and try to do anything to keep my mind off of my physical ailments.

Mind games: Emotions can really trip you up. Cancer and Tamoxifen only add to the mix. I still find myself bawling like a little baby at times. Even though I try to keep a tight handle on my emotions, sometimes they get the better of me...and my husband...and my children.

Calendaritis: Yes, I'm afraid to look at my calendar for fear of seeing an upcoming medical appointment. They are dotted throughout the year and I don't even want to think about them! But thanks to my trusty phone, I never miss a one.

Renewal: Nope. It's not what you think. Renewal is the name of the store that sells prosthetic equipment and mastectomy bras. They sent me a letter last week that said "it's been 6 months since your last visit. It's time for a new fitting." Yuck. I don't want to do it but I know I have to...

Good stuff:

My new grandson, Braeden Ray Garrison

• I have a new grandson! Braeden Ray Garrison was born on November 3, 2014 and I'm going to get to go see him soon! We're in the process of planning a trip to Texas. I can't wait to hold him and get to see my other little Longhorns. 
• My oldest grandson, Alex, is graduating from high school this year. I can hardly believe it! It seems like yesterday he was just a little boy. 
• I've taken a month sabbatical from Facebook. It was stealing too much of my time and God prompted me to step away from it for a while. It's amazing how much time that has freed up for me....yep, even MORE free time!
• I've also been asked to write book reviews for several Christian companies. I enjoy reading their books and then writing reviews to help prospective readers.
• I've been asked to write for several online breast cancer blogs. It's been fun to share part of my journey with others.
• Occasionally, someone will still send a card or an email to let me know they're thinking of me. I'm grateful that people still care. 
• Life goes on. Day in and day out...life continues to go on. 

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