Random thoughts

I fished out my bra and boobs from the little round pink boxes sitting on my dresser. My daughter was coming to take me out to lunch and to do a little shopping. I slipped off my "wife beater" t shirt and placed the hook and eyes of the bra fasteners at my chest so I could see them and click them together easily. When I had them fastened, I spun the bra around and slipped my arms through the straps. I walked over to the mirror to look at myself. Ewww....I didn't like what I saw in the mirror. My prostheses, while much smaller in size than my first set, looked awkward. They lay flat against my skin and barely filled out the bra at all. Their weight was uncomfortable. Even though they were small, the silicone was heavy. I slipped on my blouse and buttoned it up. Again, I looked in the mirror. There wasn't much to see and I surely didn't look like I had any breasts. There were only tiny lumps present. Oh well, there was nothing I could do.

I walked around the living room getting used to the weight of my prostheses. I hadn't worn these but once since I got them. The bra was rubbing against my incisions and didn't feel good at all. I went back into the bedroom to see if I could find a way to remedy the situation. I took off the bra and put on a camisole. Then I placed the bra with the silicone boobs back on. On top of the camisole, the bra didn't rub as much. 

Laura arrived a few minutes later. She texted me that Heather was asleep and asked if I'd mind just coming out to the car. I grabbed my keys and locked the door hurrying out to the driveway. I peeked into the back of the car to see my sweet granddaughter's face. Sleeping children are so precious. 

We drove into town and grabbed some lunch. Afterwards, we swung by Dairy Queen for a cool treat. Next we did some shopping. I had to constantly tug at my bra as it was riding up on my side. I wasn't embarrassed to be out in public though, because at least I had the semblance of femininity. 

When we got back home, the first thing I did was remove my bra! I told Laura I couldn't stand it any longer. I played hide and seek with Heather for a long time and then she wanted me to pick her up. I knew I shouldn't have, but how can you turn down such a sweet little one reaching up for you? As I grabbed her up in my arms and swung her around, she laughed as I squealed a loud, "WHEEEEEE." 

It was such a beautiful day. The sun was shining and it was so wonderfully warm. Laura, Heather, and I went outside for a little while before they had to head home. Heather had such fun playing with sticks, pinestraw, and pinecones. It's amazing how little it takes to entertain her. 

After they left, I went back inside the house and began to make dinner. I didn't realize how sore I was until I bent down to get a skillet from the cabinet. I was surprised that I felt this way and wondered if it was just from picking Heather up and holding her or if it was something else. I ended up taking a pain pill and resting the remainder of the evening. I kicked back in my recliner and enjoyed some TV with my hubby. It felt good to just rest. 

I go to see the Oncologist next week. I know he's going to take more blood work. They always have to stay on top of things to make sure your tumor markers aren't rising which could indicate a recurrence. I'm hesitant to see him. I'm wondering how he's going to react to my decision not to take medication. I'm glad Phil will be there with me. 

Before bed, I decided to check Facebook. I see updates on Kara Tippetts (my internet friend who's dying of stage 4 breast cancer). It upsets me greatly. I can't help but think of how those around her are being challenged daily. I marvel at Kara's faith in the midst of her pain. I wonder if I would be as strong. Every day I check her blog, I expect to find a guest post stating that she's gone home to be with the Lord. That day is coming and very soon. She's been in hospice now since March 2. That's just a little over 2 weeks. The time is drawing closer. I wonder how I'm going to handle it when she passes away. It's interesting how the life of a complete stranger can affect me so deeply. That was the same way it was with Christina Newman, another fairly young breast cancer survivor who passed away at the end of last year. Maybe their stories touch my heart so profoundly because I can only stop and think there but for the grace of God go I. 

What I'm thinking:

I wonder if I'm just getting old and out of shape. Maybe that's why I get so tired after playing with Heather. Sometimes I think I may be focusing too much on every little ache and pain. What am I expecting to happen? Why do I feel this way? Why am I fearful? Did I make the right decision not to take the medication or did I make the wrong one? I've been feeling normal since the second week of January when I stopped taking the 2nd medication and it's felt so good. Am I deluding myself? Should I ask for a PET scan just to be sure nothing is happening inside me? Why do I still get so emotional at times? Why do I have so many questions???? I read this in a medical journal and it made me feel a little better...."We like to think of the end of cancer treatment as the closing of a chapter, but what most people don’t realize is that the emotional struggle continues long after,” Dr. Kevin C. Oeffinger, a primary care physician and director of Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center’s adult long-term follow-up program, says. “Feelings of post-treatment depression and anxiety are amazingly normal. I would go so far as to say that if you don’t have them it’s a surprise.”

Yesterday, I received my copy of CURE magazine in the mail. It's a breast cancer publication that my doctor's office sends me. Smack dab on the front cover was a glamorous picture of Joan Lunden. She makes breast cancer look good. It really chaps my hide how all these big celebrities that are diagnosed with cancer make it seem so uninvasive. It would be nice if they'd share their real stories allowing their fans to see the ugly side of cancer. The ones of us who've suffered through it know even when those pictures aren't shown. I just don't understand why they can't just be real.

It's that time of year again...the Susan G. Komen 3 Day Race for the Cure. I could sign up as a survivor and walk but I don't want to do it. What good does walking do anyway? It doesn't solve the cancer. Yes, sure, the participants help raise money for research but how much of that money actually goes toward finding a cure? I bet not much. So I have no desire to be involved in all the hullabaloo, the sea of pink. Count me out. Yes, I want a cure to be discovered and soon but I don't think a 3 day walk will do anything to bring that about.

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