I've wondered a lot. I've questioned God over and over again...so much so, that when I pray, He probably shakes His head, rolls His eyes, and thinks to Himself, "oh no, not her again!" All I've wanted to understand was why I was allowed to have breast cancer enter my life. Was it used as a teaching tool? Was it a wake up call? Was it a genetic fluke? Was it from my own poor choices? None of these questions has been answered, but the one question that has been answered, "Why me?" was answered with another question several months ago. When I asked God, "Why me?" The reply I felt in my spirit from Him was, "why not you?" And that question, started my avalanche of thoughts once again.
When someone is diagnosed with a devastating disease, often medical professionals recommend counseling to help the patient understand and process their emotions. With breast cancer, at least in my case, I was offered nothing in the way of counseling or any type of mental support. I've had to deal with it on my own and that's okay...I've learned over the years how to handle things through my own determined strength and my faith in God.
The thoughts have changed since I was first diagnosed. In the beginning, I could only think about the next phase of treatment and how I was going to get through each one. When treatments ended, I began thinking about how I was going to survive in the days, weeks, and months that were approaching. Every once in a while, I'd think about the possibility of recurrence but I didn't linger on those thoughts for long. I didn't want to devote time to thinking about the "what if's." Currently, I think about the 1440 minutes I have in this day and what I'm going to do with them.
It's amazing to me how cancer has shifted my focus. Instead of always thinking ahead, I've learned to be in the moment. Realizing that I have 1440 moments in each day, I try to make the best of them. I'm more careful with them. I try not to let any of them slip away unused. I know I can't store them up for use another day...once they're gone...they're gone.
Each morning, when I wake, I thank God for the minutes ahead of me. The ones I've yet to use. I ask Him to give me wisdom to know how best to use them for they are like precious gems to me. I don't want to squander them, I want to spend them wisely.
The quiet solitude allows me to constantly think and question. As I think, I'm reminded of an old TV commercial that said, "a mind is a terrible thing to waste." How true that statement to be. Although my mind wanders and thoughts run rampant through it on a continual basis, I'm thankful I have a clear mind, one not ravaged by disease...a mind that is capable of thinking different thoughts every second of every minute of every day, and all the thoughts I think are all mine. I can share them if I choose to share them and keep them safely hidden inside if I choose not to share them.
I wonder how many thoughts I've "thunk" over the past 341 days? I'm sure, if I'd counted them, I would be amazed. I wonder how many minutes it's taken you to read this post. What could you have done with those minutes? Did they matter to you?
Cancer is a scary disease. It's a time thief but then again, it can help you realize just how very precious time is and then, when you realize those moments are priceless, you begin to count them and consider what to do with them. 1440 minutes in each and every day. How many have you wasted today? Maybe it's time for a little introspection on your part...
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