Talley Ho! Onward we go!

Anyone who's known me long enough knows I love profound quotations. I'm always looking for good ones to store in my memory bank. I find them from well loved and well known people. I gather them from books and movies and sometimes, even from conversations I hear. This one was perfect for today:

“Go back?" he thought. "No good at all!
Go sideways? Impossible!
Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!"
So up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him and
one hand feeling the wall, and his heart all of a patter and a pitter.”
- J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

Oh I wish I could just shut my brain off sometimes! It never seems to want to stop processing things even when I lie down to go to sleep...there's a steady stream of thought that continually flows. I've tried for years to turn off my brain so I could get a good night's sleep but most night's it just doesn't happen. Like a leaky faucet, the thoughts slip out one by one. Just the other day I was thinking about all I've been through over the past year and as I was thinking, I really wanted to go back to the way my life was before I was diagnosed with cancer...I mean really! Who wouldn't want that? Before cancer, I had a great life! Oh sure, I had my little aches and pains now and then, but nothing major. Things were rolling along just fine and I was happy. I took a lot for granted back then and didn't even realize it. But today, well, that's a whole other story.

Pain is a great teacher and you can learn a lot from suffering. I'll be honest, I've suffered a great deal over this past year. But in that suffering, I have learned so much and for that I am grateful. God has used the suffering to teach me trust and patience. It hasn't been easy. In fact, there have been some days when I just didn't want to go on at all. This quotation by Charles Dickens says it so well:

“Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching,
and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be.
I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into a better shape.”
- Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

Even though my body has been broken, I am a much stronger person than I was before. I have a greater resolve and minor things that used to affect me profoundly, don't bother me at all. I would have to say cancer has taught me well.

I thought my journey was winding down and I was coming to a stopping point, but that was before I received the MRI results. I didn't expect anything to show up but it did. It scared me when the doctor told me she'd had 2 other radiologists look at it with her to confirm their suspicions. And now, a PET scan looms over me. Tomorrow is the day. 

As I contemplate what lies before me, I can't help but think of all the possibilities. Today, I am preparing for the scan  and tomorrow morning, I'll be there bright to become radioactive once again. When the nurse called from Piedmont to confirm my appointment, she gave instructions for me to eat a low carb diet today and told me not to do any strenuous activity. That was all she said and I didn't think to ask why before hanging up with her, so today, I got on the internet...you can find answers to just about any question you have on the internet, and I looked up how to prepare for a PET scan. 

It seems before the scan a radioactive tracer is fed into the vein by way of a glucose based serum. As I was reading, it made a little more sense as to why I'd need to be on a low carb diet the day before the test. Carbohydrates turn into sugar in the body and in order to process them, the body has to release insulin. If you're being fed a glucose based serum, having too many carbs in your body could send your blood sugar sky high and that would cause a big problem. I never could find a reason for the low activity level but I assume it has something to do with the glucose/insulin release in the body too. 

While I'm glad my doctor has ordered the PET scan, I'm hesitant to find out the results. I was told last week, after an MRI on my spine, that a new mass had been discovered at the L5 vertebrae. The PET scan is supposed to illuminate any other potential problems in my body. I'm hoping there are no other areas of cancer. I don't want to borrow trouble, but I'm a practical person. I like to prepare for things ahead of time. 

What will I do if the mass on my spine turns out to be cancer? Will they want to do surgery to remove it? Will they suggest chemo or radiation to obliterate it? What will I do if there are more cancerous lesions in my body? Will I be able to handle the news? 

There are so many unknowns and those are the things my mind keeps trying to process, but I know I'm not supposed to worry. Here's a wonderful quotation that I've committed to memory. This quotation is not only a quote, it's also a command from God.

"Have not I commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be dismayed: for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9 The Holy Bible

So  I guess I just need to press on! Talley ho, as they say!  I love that saying. Did you know it dates from around 1772, and is probably derived from the French word "taïaut," a cry used to excite hounds when hunting deer. From sources from the second half of the 13th century, it is from the concatenation of two words forming a war cry : taille haut. "Taille" being the edge of the sword et "haut" translating to high, the original meaning of this interjection is something close to "High the edges of your blades." How appropriate as I prepare for battle again. 

Onward I go, once more into battle. This cancer battle never seems to end. I'll face whatever tomorrow brings in the strength of the Lord. 

Yes, sometimes I wish I could go back in time to my life before I was diagnosed but then again, so much has changed. This quote by Lewis Carroll explains it well:

"But it's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then." - Alice from Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland

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