I finished 28 rounds of radiation therapy and although it was rough, tiring, scary and overwhelming, I made it through. I'm now officially a cancer survivor. Yippee! But that feeling of joy never hit me like I thought it would. What was wrong with me? Why didn't I feel a great victory? After talking to other survivors, I found out nothing was wrong with me. The "now what?" side of cancer had just hit me and I didn't know what to do. So I did the only thing that came to mind at the time – I cried. My tears didn't really solve anything but they gave me a huge emotional release that I desperately needed.
So where is the manual for living life after cancer? Where is the pamphlet on "what to expect now"? Why didn't any of the doctors tell me about this part of it? Wasn't someone supposed to offer helpful information? At first, I was seeing my breast surgeon, radiation oncologist and regular oncologist every week and then it shifted to every three months. But even during that time, not a single one of the doctors asked me how I was doing emotionally. Not a single one wanted to know how I was handling things. When I completed radiation therapy, I got a certificate of completion and was sent on my merry way. What's up with that?
About a month later, the emotions of everything came crashing down. I felt like I had literally stared death in the face and that was something I was not prepared for. Then I began to have survivor's guilt. There were so many of my friends who had died of cancer and others were Stage 4, fighting for their lives. Why was I lucky enough to have survived? What do I do with my life now that I have been given a second chance? Everything suddenly became overwhelming. So I started digging. The more I read, the more I realized that my feelings were normal. All those cancer books I'd read talked about learning to accept your "new normal." But the thing was, I didn't want a "new normal." I wanted my old normal. Was that too much to ask for?
It took a long time to find out what my "new normal" was and to officially accept it. Sometimes I still don't want to though. I am only 17 months out from my initial diagnosis. But it seems that cancer is still hot on my heels. When will cancer officially crash into a brick wall and stop tailing me? I walk fast and it speeds up. I run and it still keeps pace. It hasn’t caught me yet and I hope it never does. But there's always the feeling that it just might...In the meantime, I keep working on learning to live in my "new normal."
From one cancer survivor to the next, things truly do get better. It's harder for some than others, but you do move forward. Acceptance is the key. Mourning your old self is a fine way to start. Allow yourself that. I did not initially. I am in the process of accepting now and it is a good place to be. You don’t have to forget, but you do need to move forward.
There's no official manual out there for learning to live life after cancer but other survivors have a great deal of information and most of them are eager to share. I've found by reading other survivors' blogs that I get real, helpful, and unbiased information. It would be great if someone would compile all of those helpful hints and tips into an after cancer care type manual but it would be very hard to do it efficiently since every case of cancer is so different. It would be even better if the medical doctors would offer some type of counseling or advise on what to expect and how to deal with life after treatment. Instead of just kicking us out of the nest to fly on our own, it would be great if they'd help teach us to fly.
The number one thing I would advise anyone going through a cancer struggle to do would be to cling to hope. Without hope, we have nothing. Each person has to figure out how to get through cancer in a way that works best for them. My saving grace has been my faith in God. I know even when things seem to be their darkest that He's never left me alone in this. On days when I feel I have no strength at all to get through the day, He provides the strength to carry me through and for that I am extremely grateful.
Cancer sucks and that's the truth, but keeping a positive attitude, holding onto faith and never giving up hope can help get you through it.
© bonnie annis all rights reserved
Yes the cancer journey is different for each of us. And we all have our own ways of handling it. Would be so much easier if we had a manual , sigh. But your last paragraph sums it up really good , at least for me.
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