What a workout!

I was so excited as I pulled into the driveway and saw the huge box against my front door. My rebounder finally came. I could barely wait to get out of the car and open the front door! It is August, not December, but it felt like Christmas to me.

With a good amount of effort, I drug the box inside the house. It was more cumbersome than heavy. As I unboxed the rebounder, I was amazed at how quickly it went together. All I had to do was screw on the 6 stabilizing legs and put on some end caps. Voila'! My rebounder was ready.

I flipped it over and stood looking at it for a few minutes. It looked really nice. I'd gotten to choose the color of the bungees and the top. I chose hot pink, very significant of my breast cancer journey, don't you think? As I looked over the rebounder, I wondered if it would hold my weight. It looked sturdy enough even though I wasn't a little kid anymore and I was significantly heavier than I had been way back then!

I slipped the instructional DVD into my computer and pressed play. Timidly, I stepped up onto the rebounder watching the bungee cords as they gave way just a bit. So far, so good. I marched in place and got used to the way it felt to be on the top of the rebounder. I'd never been on one before and this was very new to me. I was surprised at how I struggled to keep my balance. I'm sure it will get better with time. I wished I'd bought the stabilizing bars that were optional, but hindsight is 20/20. Maybe I'll order then later.

The lady on the exercise video began to move on her rebounder. She was so thin and energetic! (Naturally, why would they choose an overweight instructor?!) I watched and mirrored her actions. She started out slowly and then increased the intensity. As I was working out with her, I thought this was going to be a pretty easy way to exercise. First we were just marching in place and then we progressed to jumping jacks.

Getting up a little courage, I began to bounce along with her. This was supposed to be an exercise that would help my lymphatic system. I sure hoped it worked. It was starting to be fun! I bounced a little higher and a little higher copying her movements. The higher I got, the more out of control I felt. I needed to slow it down a little. I realized as I was beginning to slow myself down, the light fixture in my office was right over my head and if I'd kept on bouncing higher and higher, I would have probably knocked myself out on the light. I got a mental image of myself trying to explain to the doctor how I got a brass finial embedded in my head! Heavens!

I'd worked up a sweat and as I was wiping my forehead, the instructor finished up the workout session. I stood on the floor and watched her. I glanced from the computer screen to the written instructions I'd received and noticed a warning. The warning said to keep exercise sessions between 2 and 5 minutes a day for the first week. I'd already worked out about 15 minutes. It also said the day after you began rebounding, you'd notice sore muscles in areas that had not been worked for some time. That tells me that tomorrow, I'm going to feel the burn. I have a lot of muscles that haven't been worked out in a really long time.

I'm so glad I was the only one home today when I began rebounding. I bet I looked really funny. I had on a black and white striped exercise top, black leggings, and some fuzzy pink polkadot slipper socks on to keep me from falling. Can you imagine me bouncing up and down hair flying all over the place while stifling unbridled laughter?

After a few days, I'm sure I'll get the hang of it. I'm excited to know it's low impact. My poor old knees are thankful too. Fifty seven years old and jumping on a mini  trampoline...who wouldn't thunk it?

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Jump for joy!

If you've been reading my blog for a while, you know I struggle daily with swelling in my upper arms. It drives me nuts! Within just a few minutes of waking, my arms are already getting fat, and I have a condition called Lymphedema to thank for it. It not only causes discomfort, it also causes me to have to buy shirts two sizes larger than I normally wear just so I can get my arms in the sleeves! So, you can imagine my frustration and my desire to find any and everything that will help decrease the effects of Lymphedema on my body.

Today, as I was researching, I found an interesting study by By Dave Scrivens, Certified Lymphologist, that was published in the Well Being Journal Vol. 17, No. 3. In his article, Mr. Scrivens says, "The body has a built-in need for activation. The lymph system, for example, bathes every cell, carrying nutrients to the cell and waste products away. Yet the lymph is totally dependent on physical exercise to move. Without adequate movement, the cells are left stewing in their own waste products and starving for nutrients, a situation that contributes to arthritis, cancer and other degenerative diseases. Vigorous exercise such as rebounding [jumping on a therapeutic mini-trampoline] is reported to increase lymph flow by 15 to 30 times. Also, bones become stronger with exercise. Vertical motion workouts such as rebounding are much different and much more beneficial and efficient than horizontal motion workouts, such as jogging or running. The lymph fluid moves through channels called “vessels” that are filled with one-way valves, so it always moves in the same direction. The main lymph vessels run up the legs, up the arms and up the torso. This is why the vertical up-and-down movement of rebounding is so effective to pump the lymph."

Dr. Scrivens also says: The lymphatic system is the metabolic garbage can of the body. It rids you of toxins such as dead and cancerous cells, nitrogenous wastes, infectious viruses, heavy metals, and other assorted junk cast off by the cells. The movement performed in rebounding provides the stimulus for a free-flowing system that drains away these potential poisons.

Unlike the arterial system, the lymphatic system does not have its own pump. It has no heart muscle to move the fluid around through its lymph vessels. There are just three ways to activate the flow of lymph away from the tissues it serves and back into the main pulmonary circulation. Lymphatic flow requires muscular contraction from exercise and movement, gravitational pressure, and internal massage to the valves of lymph ducts. Rebounding supplies all three methods of removing waste products from the cells and from the body."

So as I read about the beneficial effects on the body of rebounding, it just made sense! I thought weight lifting would be the best thing for displacing the fluid collecting around my upper arms but after the pain I suffered last night from using them, I've changed my mind and think this may be the best option. Now to find the perfect rebounder. 

Do you remember the scene from the movie, "Fried Green Tomatoes," where Evelyn Couch (Kathy Bates) is jumping on her rebounder? That's going to be me soon! I'll let you know how it works and maybe I'll enjoy it so much, I'll be jumping for joy every day!

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

I'm back!

What I want you to know:
You probably didn't even know I was missing did you? But for the past month, I have been AWOL. I haven't been myself. I've been under the influence of different cancer medications and I've been an emotional wreck. I've felt like I was totally out of control...unable to think clearly, unable to control my emotions, and basically....I've felt like a total basket case!

When I started not remembering things, it got scary! I'd turn on the stove and put the pan on the wrong eye or put something in the dryer that was supposed to go in the freezer! I couldn't focus on anything and was crying all the time. I got so depressed at one point that I told my husband I couldn't do it any more. I decided right then and there that I was going to have to come off of these medications!

My oncologist wasn't overly sympathetic toward me. I guess doctors get calloused after hearing complaint after complaint but I put my foot down. He told me that I had to be on medication or the cancer would come back. I told him I understood that but the past 2 medications were just not a proper fit for me. He told me there was only one other drug that he could offer and that drug was the newest of the aromatase inhibitors. I really wanted to tell him I'd prefer to take my chances without any medication, but I didn't dare because my husband was sitting right next to me. I did ask for permission to abstain from taking the medication until we return from our trip to Texas and the doctor was okay with that. He actually thought it was a good idea because if I experienced any weird side effects, he wanted me to be somewhere in the state of Georgia.

Since coming off the medication, I have felt WONDERFUL!!! I've felt perfectly normal...just like I did before I found out I had cancer. I've been able to do the things I enjoy the most and be totally cognizant while doing them. Unless you've been under the influence of some type of drug, you probably don't understand how much that means. It's really scary to be unable to think clearly when you're used to having a sound mind. It's amazing that one tiny pill can totally change my emotional state and my demeanor.

I'm thankful that I will be off of all cancer medications until the end of February. I am going to totally enjoy my month of freedom. I am very hesitant about starting the new medications especially after the side effects I experienced during the last 2 rounds. Hopefully any side effects will be minimal but if I experience mind altering/mood changing side effects, you can bet your bottom dollar that I will be on the phone to my oncologist in the blink of an eye.

In the meantime, I'm going to do a lot of research on the medications he's suggested. I'm also going to put all my other medications into a drug interaction checker and cross check for potential problems. I am a firm believer that we have to be proactive concerning our health. While I would prefer to be free of any and all medications, I am thankful for the ones that help my body function properly like my thyroid medication and my blood pressure medication.

What I'm thinking:
I feel awesome! I am really enjoying being off of the antihormone therapy and wonder if I can just skip cancer meds all together. I have a big faith and I know God can protect me from any cancer recurrences but would Phil understand? Would he feel better knowing that I was on medicine? If the new meds start making me feel weird, I am going to have to contact the doctor. I am not willing to go through the craziness that I went through before. I don't like feeling out of control. I don't like not being able to remember what I was doing. I don't want to take a chance on forgetting to turn off the stove and burning the house down! I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this new medicine will be okay and I won't have any major side effects. I can't even imagine having to take cancer meds for the next 10 years!!!! What kind of quality of life will I have??? I don't like this one bit.

I need a little prayer today

Today I'm struggling. I woke up feeling like I'd been run over by a Mack truck. Every move I made took great effort...my muscles were screaming out in pain. Yesterday, my husband and I did a little hiking. I had wanted to get out of the house and just "do" something. So we decided to take a little jaunt. We drove all over the surrounding areas enjoying the sights. I had brought my camera along and was able to get a few good photos of country life, too. We found a beautiful, quaint little town called Serenbe in Palmetto, Georgia. “Serenbe is a utopian experiment in New Urbanism being molded out of Georgia red clay," says a reporter with the New York Times and I'm inclined to agree with him. Any and everything you could want is in that tight knit little community. It has the best of both worlds, all the amenities of city life with beautiful green space and hiking trails, too. 

 

As we wandered through Serenbe, we found cute little shops, restaurants, and beautiful homes. We found some hiking trails that meandered through the woods, too. Since we're both avid hikers, we decided to stop and pick up a few trails. As we sauntered down the pine straw laden floors of the forest, we realized how much we've missed being out in the woods. It's been many months since we've had a good hike. We didn't stay out long because it was the first time out since my surgery and hubs was worried that I might get over tired...and he was right but I didn't realize it until today.

 

On top of my muscle pain, I'm also dealing with discomfort from scar tissue and a seroma. I wrote about this in one of my earlier posts so I won't go into more detail about it here other than to say we're trying gentle massage to see if the scar tissue will loosen up and the fluid will disperse. If it doesn't, I'll have to have it drained with a syringe. I don't relish having to have that done. 

It's not something I usually do in my blog but today, I'd like to ask for a little prayer. It's been tough getting adjusted to the Tamoxifen and the side effects that have come with it like severe headaches, nausea, and fatigue. I don't like feeling "sick." I'm used to feeling pretty good and when I feel like this, I am reminded that my health isn't so great right now. 

 

This has been a tough season for me and I've been struggling over how I can pursue healing without making health an idol. In other words, when navigating a broken world and you find yourself in a dark, hurtful place of pain, how do you respond in such a way that you do not get distracted by wanting deliverance more than you want the Deliverer?

 

Last month, a friend posted an answered prayer to a health crisis on her Facebook wall. The first comment read, “God is good!” Yes, God IS good. But when I see that kind of response to good news, I always think, yes, but what if the health crisis had ended in tragedy? I wonder if that person would have commented along these lines, “Horrible news. God is bad.” I'm sure they wouldn't have, but you can't help but think it. Sometimes, when we say, "God is good" isn't our meaning more along the lines of  “Yippee! We got what we wanted—isn’t that awesome?! God is good because He answered our prayer the way we asked him to answer it.”

Many people have uttered the phrase, "If God is so good, why does He let bad things happen?"
I’ve experienced enough struggle and sadness in my life to know the answer. I don’t want a God who is limited to my understanding of good. I actually want a God who works in mysterious ways, who uses suffering to produce beauty, who understands that good always trumps evil, who won’t let me be satisfied with a superficial goodness that I use to measure how happy I am in the moment. I want to trust a God who fights for goodness in my life by providing journeys that walk through muck and mire. I don’t want to be satisfied with Him just giving me what I want to get me by. I want to hurt, yearn, and suffer so that I can experience the depth of peace and  hope and eventual redemption. That is Goodness! ...Or so I say.

Yes, I'm hurting physically right now but nothing like the pain an internet friend of mine is experiencing. You've seen my most recent posts about Kara Tippetts, the young mother who is in the last stages of metastatic cancer...the beautiful, brave, woman of faith who is fighting for every last second she can have with her family. She is in excruciating pain. My pain pales in comparison to hers and I am ashamed to even admit I have pain. I have cried out to God on her behalf asking for a miracle. Asking for Him to allow her to live and to restore her to good health and even while I'm asking, I know this isn't His plan. He has used her life of pain and suffering to show others her marvelous faith and His great sovereignty. 

I've dreamed about Kara a lot lately. A few nights ago, I imagined her lying on her bed with her family gathered around. It was dark and she was crying out in pain, unbearable pain. I kept thinking to myself, there must be a way to help her...and then I realized, I was wanting deliverance for her more than the Deliverer. But God never promises us good health. He never promises that we'll accomplish all of our goals or that all of our dreams will come true. He doesn't promise that if we work hard enough, everything will turn out the way we want them too....no, He only promises His grace. Now back to my dream...there is my friend, in the depths of despair, I am praying that God will deliver her. I know that my prayer is in line with God's will because the Bible teaches us to ask our Father for what we need. But if I am trying to figure out a way to solve her problems for her, it wouldn't fix everything. Her heart would still be broken. She doesn’t just need deliverance—she needs her Deliverer. Only God can heal her heart, draw her close, shower her with unconditional love, provide hope for her weary heart. Isn’t that what I really want for her? Isn’t that what I really want for myself? Her struggle doesn’t mean God isn’t good. It means just the opposite—it means that God is pursuing her, drawing her to Himself, proving His great love to her, wiping the tears from her eyes, filling her heart with hope, calming her spirit with peace. That is Grace. And what is better than Grace? Nothing.

So would you say a little prayer for me today and would you say a big one for Kara? Pray that God will be her strength as her life draws to a close. Pray that she will cling to her Deliverer and never let Him go. Pray for her family to be able to comfort each other with the comfort they have been given through Christ. Hard days are ahead for all of them, but God is good. He will be enough for all of them. And He is enough for me, even when my health needs are small compared to hers. He cares about every need and loves us all the same.

Forgetting what lies behind

What I want you to know:
I was there to see a new doctor...to become established as a new patient. The office was crowded but the staff was friendly...it will be okay, I thought. Within just a few minutes, the nurse called my name. I rose from my seat and walked toward the door. I winked at my husband, who was filling out paperwork, "see you in a few minutes," I said.

The nurse took me back through a maze of hallways and after getting my weight, took me into an exam room where she asked general health questions. When it came time for her to take my blood pressure, I knew I would have to tell her about the cancer. I had hoped I wouldn't have to divulge that information so quickly, but it was necessary. She pulled the cuff from the wall and came closer. As she was about to wrap the cuff around my arm, I said, "you'll have to do it on my ankle." She looked at me through puzzled eyes and that's when I remarked, "I have breast cancer." I showed her my Lymphedema sleeves and she shook her head. "My mother had breast cancer and she had sleeves too." I felt a little more at ease. She said, "I'll let the doctor decide what to do about the blood pressure." She smiled and stepped out of the room. I waited.

In a couple of minutes my new physician was entering the room. He reached out his hand to make my acquaintance. He seemed very professional and friendly. I commented on the artwork he had on the exam room walls. They were covered in framed, handmade drawings and paintings created by a child. Evidently they were done by either his child or a grandchild. He smiled and thanked me telling me that the pictures were made by his "now grown" daughter. I told him I had 4 grown children and 7 grandchildren with one on the way. He smiled.

We proceeded through a crash course of my medical history and he asked the reason for my visit. I explained that we were new to the area and were just there to get established. He asked what my main concern was and I told him I didn't really have one other than the breast cancer. I was already being treated for that. He asked me to lie back on the exam table and proceeded to take my blood pressure on my ankle. I was very still as he listened to my heart and lungs. He ordered some routine blood tests and asked if I needed any of my medications filled while I was there. I gave him the necessary information and thanked him as I headed for the lab.

Sitting in the chair, waiting to have my blood drawn, I could feel my heart beating faster. I was nervous. When the lab tech came over, needle in hand, she glanced down at my arms. I don't think she realized I was wearing compression sleeves. She must have thought I was wearing a long sleeve shirt underneath my blouse. As she readied herself to draw my blood, and saw I wasn't making any effort to raise my sleeves, I could see a questioned look on her face. "I have breast cancer," I heard myself saying once again. I explained to her that my blood could only be drawn on my left hand and only using a butterfly needle. She looked and saw that the veins on that hand were very tiny. She began vigorously slapping the top of my hand in hopes of making the veins become more prominent. After a few minutes, I felt a stick. She had inserted the butterfly needle at the precise location she had chosen but had missed the mark. She called to her coworker and asked for help. The other lab tech came over and with just a few quick adjustments was able to get the blood to flow easily. "Oh, you have the magic touch," I said. The older woman exclaimed, "honey, I've been doing this for fourteen years." I asked her if she had prayed over that needle before sticking me. She smiled and said, "yes, I did. I always do!" We smiled at each other and I was thankful she was a sister in Christ.

I left the office that day with a bandage on my hand. As my husband and I were driving home from our appointments, I began thinking. Why did I tell the nurse, the doctor, and the lab techs that I have breast cancer? Why didn't I say I had cancer? That was food for thought.

This morning, while having my devotional, I came across two verses in the Bible that helped me find the answer to my questions.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:18-19 New International Version

"Brothers and sisters I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:12-14 New International Version

The reason I said, "I have breast cancer," is because I had been looking backward instead of looking forward. Yes, I had breast cancer, but I no longer have it. I've had surgery. I've had radiation, and in just a few days, I'll start on medication. I needed to shift my thinking.

I needed to look forward with my eyes fixed on the goal before me...to live. I needed to look forward with gratitude and excitement. The only reason I ever have to look back is to remember how far I've come. I never want to look back with regret. I never want to look back and wish things were different. To keep growing and changing, I have to keep moving. I have to move forward and not backward.

Over and over again, I hear people say to me, "God will never give you more than you can handle." That statement is not in the Bible and is definitely not true. God often gives us more than we can handle and the reason He does is to show us that even when we are weak, He is strong. He is sufficient. Even in the depths of suffering, He is good.

As I look forward, I know that God is already there. He's waiting for me with outstretched hand. He is ready and willing to walk my path with me. When I look back, I see how far He's already taken me. We've traveled up steep and rocky trails together. Some of those trails I knew I couldn't climb...but we did it...we made it together! There may be rocky paths ahead still, but I'm willing to go wherever He leads me...one step at a time. I will keep moving forward. 

What I'm thinking:
Sometimes, I think it's okay to look back, just for a glance, just to remember. I always want to remember His faithfulness. my journey with breast cancer isn't over yet but my thinking has changed. I won't be so quick to exclaim, "I have breast cancer." I think the reason I've done that in the past was because of my fear of the  unknown. Surgery and radiation should have removed all traces of the cancer, but that little feeling of insecurity has said, "but, what  it...." It's time to put those thoughts to rest. I may have had breast cancer, but it isn't going to have me. I'm moving forward and not only am I looking at what lies ahead of me, I'm looking up, too. God is doing a new thing! He is making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. The old is gone and the new has come.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved