How should I respond to adversity

There's a wonderful quotation by Warren Weirsbe that has touched my heart in a profound way. Mr. Weirsbe explains that there are different responses to adversity. Of the three responses he expounds upon, enlisting trials seems to be the one of most benefit to us. This is what he says:
 
“When trouble comes to our lives, we can do one of three things: endure it, escape it, or enlist it. If we only endure our trials, then trials become our master, and we have a tendency to become hard and bitter. If we try to escape our trials, then we will probably miss the purposes God wants to achieve in our lives. But if we learn to enlist our trials, they will become our servants instead of our masters and work for us; and God will work all things together for our good and His glory.”

The concept of “enlisting our trials” seems daunting, but if enlisting trials makes them slaves and not masters; I need to figure out how to incorporate that into my life. Trials can be overwhelming at times, especially the trial of Breast Cancer. As I began trying to shift my focus from allowing the trial to master me into me mastering it, I found three things I'd like to share with you:

1. God is bigger than any trial I could ever face. This trial was not something that just "happened" to me through fate. God has purposely allowed this into my life and just as easily as He allowed it in, He can remove it if He so chooses.
2. God, in His goodness, would never allow me to suffer for no reason. Although I don't understand why He's chosen to allow me to suffer during this time, I can rest assured that it is part of His divine purpose.
3. When I am overwhelmed during my trial, I don't have to freak out or panic! I know that God has promised to never let me go. Just knowing that He's got me securely in the center of the palm of His hand and that's the safest place I could ever be.

Enlisting trials is difficult. It definitely won’t make them easier to bear, but it will help me understand that they are manageable. When I focus on them through eyes of faith, I can see things a little more clearly. Looking back over my life, there is so much evidence of God's faithfulness. He has proven time and again that He is trustworthy. Just remembering all the trials He's already brought me through helps me know that this one too, shall pass.

In a few minutes, I'll be heading out for my 9th radiation treatment. Just getting up and going to the clinic is a trial for me. My energy level has hit an all time low. I'm not used to things keeping me down. I'm not used to taking it easy. Yesterday I was even forced to take a mid day nap, which I rarely ever do. I was surprised I was so physically drained. I felt as if my body was betraying me by showing weakness, but then I realized my body was telling me something. It was saying "you need to rest to allow healthy cells to grow and replenish. The radiation is not only killing the bad cells of cancer, but it's also killing the good, healthy cells." At that point, I realized I could choose to either endure this trial or enlist it. I chose to enlist it. I was not about to allow this exhaustion to overtake me. Yes I would take naps when I needed them but I would also make sure that I did whatever I could to stay active when I was feeling good.

This morning, I woke up at 5:00 a.m. I got dressed and made my bed. I slapped on my headphones and grabbed my IPod. I jumped on the treadmill and got in a 30 minute workout. Yes, I have Cancer, but it doesn't have me! I'm going to keep pushing. I'm going to keep fighting. I've enlisted this Cancer and it's going to obey me instead of me obeying it. It is a minute by minute choice that I have to make because it isn't easy. It would be so much easier to just give up and give in, but the survivor inside me won't allow that. Enduring, escaping, or enlisting...how will you handle your trial today? I hope you choose to enlist it and allow God to use it for whatever purpose He has for allowing it into you life. It won't be easy, but you can do it! It's your choice. Choose well. 

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Thankful Thursday

Today is Thursday and I'm reminded to be thankful. While I'm thankful every day, I don't always focus as much time and energy on gratitude as I should. I don't think any of us do. We take so much for granted in our every day lives, but today, I choose to be intentional about thanksgiving.

Things I'm thankful for this week:

• I'm thankful that today, September 11th, I can remember and focus on the horrible tragedy that happened 13 years ago. For so many, we never really gave our freedom a second thought...it was just a given that we lived in a free country. After the attacks happened, we all were shaken to the core. We realized that we were vulnerable. We saw the horror of evil. May we never forget that tragic day and may we never take our freedom for granted again. 
• I'm thankful for radiation treatments that can eradicate and destroy rogue Cancer cells that may be lurking in my body. Although it's challenging to go through treatment, I am thankful I have the opportunity to be provided the very best medical care. 
• I'm thankful for unexpected blessings! God continues to amaze me. When I least expect it, I'll get a card or phone call that lets me know someone cares and is thinking of me. I am so loved! Love is one of the greatest gifts of all and one for which I am extremely grateful. 
• I'm thankful for my husband, who after working 10 hours a day, will still clear away the supper dishes and put them in the dishwasher for me without me having to say a word. His servant's heart is so big! 
• I'm thankful for my oldest daughter, Erin, who allows me to cry on her shoulder over and over again. She always listens and never condemns. She is very empathetic toward me, and for that I am very grateful.
• I'm thankful for the opportunity to pray with my Texas grandchildren over the phone. There's nothing like it! I'm thankful to be their Gigi!
• I am thankful for the opportunity to lift up the needs of others before the throne. Whenever I hear of a prayer need, I make a mental note of it so I can pray for that person. 
• I am thankful most of all for answered prayers and just knowing that God does indeed hear and honor our heartfelt prayers. 
• I'm thankful for the beautiful fall color that's sneaking across the leaves right now. I know cooler weather is right around the corner. It's my favorite time of year! 
• I am thankful for modern conveniences like washing machines, dishwashers, refrigerators and freezers that make our lives so much easier. I'm also thankful for electricity to power them!
• I am thankful for other women who travel this Cancer journey with me. We are able to share our fears, concerns, trials, and joys with each other. We hold each other accountable and lift each other up. We are mighty when we band together. It's an amazing "pink" sisterhood and I'm honored to be part of it. 

There are so many things to be thankful for each day. These are just a few. I am so thankful to be alive and to be able to think clearly. I hope I never take anything in my life for granted. Each day is a precious gift. I hope you feel the same way.

©bonnie annis all right reserved

Empathy

Yesterday, while sitting in the radiation clinic waiting for my treatment, I watched as people began to mill about. I have been seeing these same faces for days now because we've all been assigned a treatment time that falls within a thirty minute time frame. I'd seen an older woman in a wheelchair being pushed into the waiting room over the past few days, but had never had a chance to talk with her until yesterday. The woman who pushed her into the waiting room parked her in the middle of the floor and said, "I'll be out in the car waiting." She was a young, black woman obviously hired to be the elderly woman's transportation for the day. As she left the wheelchair bound woman, I watched her face. She couldn't wait to get out of there. You could tell she felt so uncomfortable amid all the Cancer patients waiting for treatment.

A few of us struck up conversation, talking about the weather and trivial things like that. The older woman sat silently and said nothing. She must have been in her late 80's. A large, black cancerous growth was planted right in the center of her nose. It was hard to miss, and I'm sure she was very aware that it was the focal point of her face whenever she engaged in conversation.

I made a point to begin a conversation to her. I could tell she wanted to join in but was timid and afraid. I began to tell her why I was here and then I began to ask about her story. She explained that she lived all alone. Her husband had severe Alzheimer's and she was unable to walk any longer due to several hip and back injuries. She lived on a fixed income and her children would take turns coming to stay with her at night. She said she'd just had her 8th radiation treatment for cancer and explained how hard it was for the staff to get her in and out of the wheelchair. My heart was breaking for her as I listened to her explain that she didn't want to be a burden to anyone.

The nurse came out to the waiting room to get Mrs. W. (I won't share her last name in order to protect her privacy.) As she began pushing the wheelchair, I noticed Mrs. W's feet were not on the foot rests and her feet were dragging underneath the chair and being bent backward on the floor. Quickly I ran over to lift her legs and place them on the foot rests. The nurse looked befuddled and said in a curt tone "oh, her feet weren't on the rests?" I shook my head no and sat back down. It amazed me that this nurse, who was in a profession of caring, hadn't even taken time to check Mrs. W's feet before proceeding to move her wheelchair.

Mrs. W came back into the waiting room after her treatments and waited for her aide to come back into the room and get her. As she sat there with me, we talked about how challenging it was to come to treatment every day. Mrs. W said it was a real hardship on her because she was having to pay someone to bring her each day. I was upset at that fact and told her if I was in better health, I would gladly come and get her but since my surgery, I was unable to push or lift anything. She mentioned how she'd had to hire a taxi one day to bring her and he charged her $40 each way. That infuriated me! This poor little old lady living all alone on a fixed income should not have to pay a dime to be transported to treatment. Immediately I remember that the American Cancer Society offers volunteers in their "Road to Recovery" program who will freely take patients to and from treatment. When I told Mrs. W about the program, she just smiled the biggest smile. It felt so good to help her!

The aide came back in to get Mrs. W and as they were leaving, I got up to open the door to the outside of the office for her. Mrs. W gently grabbed my hand and looked up at me. Without her saying a word, I knew she understood my heart. She knew I had great empathy for her and wanted to help in any way I could. I was honored to do this small thing to assist her.

Any little thing we can do for someone that is offered in love and kindness can show the love of Christ. Opening a door, sharing a smile, an aptly spoken word...tiny things that can mean so much to a hurting heart. I am so thankful God has given me a heart filled with love and mercy for others. If only everyone would take the time to share kindness, what a different place our world would be today.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Tossed about on an endless sea

The beach is my favorite place of all time to spend long, hot, summer days. Walking along the shoreline, I find myself combing the sand for treasures. Something will glint in the sunlight catching my eye and I stop to uncover a buried gem...sea glass. As I turn the hazy sea blue glass over and over in my hand, I wonder where it came from and how long it took to get here.

My life has felt tumultuous lately...being tossed about in a sea of confusion and despair. I started out as a beautiful, completely unique utensil of God's love. I was able to be filled daily and pour back out again and then came Cancer. At the very point in time the word Cancer entered my life, I was poured out...completely empty. Not only was I empty, but I had been tossed into the thrashing sea. I bobbed up and down trying to find a lifeline but there was none. The waves crashed around me taking me this way and that, as I tried to make sense of things. I was carried deeper and deeper into the sea, churning and churning and churning. Water rushed over me and I felt like I was drowning. I couldn't catch my breath. Underneath the waves, I floated in a downward spiral. Brushing against the sand, I felt it's soft embrace and just as soon as I thought I would rest in a safe place; I was swept away against my will. The process began all over again and I never thought it would end. Finally I quit fighting. Relaxing, I let the tide carry me and soon, the strong, powerful waves gave way to gentle, soft, caressing ones. I floated to the top of the water and reveled in the sunlight. It glinted brightly against my skin. I looked about and found myself far from the safety of the shore, but I was at peace. I wondered where this journey would take me. I decided to relent. To trust the waves. To allow them to carry me wherever they deemed fit and thus began my transformation.

After days and days of being tossed about, I no longer resembled my original form. I was no longer a vessel to hold or to empty. I was not transparent and clear. My shape had changed. I had been chipped and broken, cracked along my journey. No longer was I whole. As I continued the journey, more and more damage occurred and my outer body had drastically changed. Something unique was happening to me. I could feel it. My outer shell was thickening and becoming hazy. The sand was refining my rough edges and making them smooth. Still being tossed about, the sand was no longer my enemy, but my friend. The sharp, jagged edges were now gentle and touchable. As my journey continued, I trusted the changes that were taking place. I allowed them to continue. And then one last push deposited me on the sandy shore. I lay there in the sun, basking in it's glow. No longer did I feel fragile and delicate. Now I felt solid and strong. My color had changed, no longer reflecting the sun with ease...now I absorbed it and it absorbed me...we were one.

And such has been my dance with Breast Cancer. Day after day, the changes have come. Some days have been searing and painful, others have been soft and gentle. I have changed and I am changing. The rough edges are being made smooth. Just like the beautiful sea glass along the water's edge, I find myself allowing the process of God's refinement to tumble me into whatever He wants me to be, in whatever way He chooses. I don't know how long it will take for the finished work of art to be complete, but I have allowed myself to participate willingly...to freely accept the journey and trust where it takes me. He has mapped out my course, and I must journey along the path He's chosen. The waves, the sea, the sand are not my enemies...they are my friends. He will use these tools to test, to shape, to refine and I will no longer be the way I once was...I will be different, vastly different. I will be His precious gemstone. There will be none who have experienced the same refining process as I. I am but art in the Master's hand and I cannot wait to be completed.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Friendship, Friendship, just the perfect blendship...

Yesterday was an emotionally supercharged day. My friend, Karen, whom I'd met through the Breast Cancer Survivor Facebook page was coming down to visit. Since we'd been invited to participate in a Breast Cancer Survivor's calendar, I agreed to do the photo shoot. Several days ago, my husband and I scouted out areas around town that would be appropriate for the calendar shoot. I was looking forward to spending time again with Karen and getting the photos completed.

Karen arrived around 11:00 a.m. It was so good to see her! This was only the second time we'd gotten to be together, but it felt like she was a long, lost friend. Immediately we embraced and both of us were overcome with emotion. It's hard to explain, but just knowing that each of us understood the other's journey was so comforting. Neither of us would have had to say a word and it would have been just fine.

We sat down and visited for a few minutes, catching up on the past few days' events. Karen was eager to get started on the photos, so she spent a little time getting ready, and then we were out the door. My husband, Phil, was our chauffeur for the day and we were so thankful. We pulled up to the first location I'd chosen and got out of the car. Unfortunately, we hadn't realized how very hot it was going to be before planning the shoot for today. Within just a few minutes, sweat was beading up on our foreheads, but we decided we'd just work as quickly as we could.

Both Karen and I wanted to make this a lighthearted and fun photo shoot. She had brought some tulle tutus that a friend of hers had made. Quickly she donned the purple tutu and I donned the gold and white one. I explained my first concept for a photo and got her into position. I mounted my camera on the tripod and adjusted all the settings for a perfect shot. Moving from one backdrop to another, I got some nice shots! My husband was kind enough to be my assistant and worked holding the reflector or adjusting the tripod for me as needed.

The heat was unbearable and all of us were dripping wet with sweat. Karen suggested that we drive to the nearest Quick Trip for a cool treat. As we entered the store, I was a little embarrassed because I knew we were going to draw attention to ourselves...no, we'd already taken off the tutus, but with her bald head and my lack of breasts, we were quite the pair. Nothing phased Karen though! She marched right up to the ordering window and went about her business. Cautiously, I looked about wondering what the others in the store were thinking. This was the first time I'd been out in public with Karen. I don't know why I was embarrassed or uncomfortable because Karen certainly wasn't, in fact, she'd told me that she'd come to grips with her baldness months ago. I was thankful she was as confident and as bold as she was because I felt like a timid little mouse.

In the car, we enjoyed our fruit smoothies as we drove on to the next location. Phil, Jamie (my youngest daughter) and I had discovered a wonderful playground last week. The playground had some great swing sets. Karen and I had already discussed that a swing would be a great representation of our journey. As one of us pushed the other, it would symbolize how sometimes she's encouraging and supporting me and at other times it's vice versa.

Ominous rain clouds loomed overhead but we continued on to the park. When we arrived, there were many children in the area. As Karen and I walked through the playground, I saw that the two swings I'd picked out for the photo shoot were empty! I set up my camera again and instructed Phil on how to focus and shoot since both Karen and I were going to be in the photos. We had such fun pushing each other on the swings. I think we both felt like we were little children again.

Although the playground swing set was in a covered area, the sun was sweltering. Karen, Phil, and I sat down a few minutes to rest and then decided we'd better head back home. Both Karen and I were exhausted both physically and emotionally.

When we arrived back at the house, Karen began to gather up her things to leave. I told her I had something to give her and I'd like her to sit down and wait a few minutes so I could bring it out to her. As she sat in the livingroom with Phil, I went to get the collage I'd made for her. I explained to her that I'd worked on it for 6 hours the day before and that each item on the collage was symbolic of her journey with breast cancer. I wish you could have seen her face when I presented it to her! She was so overwhelmed and began to cry uncontrollably. She and I sat there for the longest time just allowing the emotions of the moment to wash over us. We were both so tired from the photo shoot but we were now in the midst of a tsunami of emotions. She was so shocked that I would take time to do something specifically for her. I was overjoyed that she appreciated all the work I'd put into the collage. She was overwhelmed with happiness. I was overcome with God's gift of friendship. Back and forth we were washed in this relentless wave of emotion. It was a huge culmination of days and weeks of struggle, but also a sweet release. She and I embraced without a word between us and just let our tears mingle together. Phil was so sweet to just sit quietly observing a sweet sisterhood being forged.

A long drive lay ahead of Karen so she left shortly after we'd been able to compose ourselves. As we said our goodbyes, we were already planning our next visit. Were it not for both of us having gone through the experience of Breast Cancer, we'd never have met each other. Some say it was a chance meeting through an internet site, but both of us know otherwise. We know that God ordained our meeting and we are both so thankful for His marvelous gift of friendship.We know our lives are intertwined for a season and for God's perfect reason.

Karen has already taught me so much about strength, boldness, openness, and honesty. She is a wonderful, strong woman. She is a warrior, a fighter, a sister, a friend, and I am so blessed to have her in my life. God is good! We're not quite like Lucy and Ethel from the "I Love Lucy Show," but we're close! Karen's an extrovert while I'm an introvert. She's confident and self assured, while I'm not quite there yet. We definitely make a great team and I'm sure we've got many more chances to get into trouble ahead of us. It's a perfect friendship!

 "A friend loves at all times, and is born, as is a brother, for adversity."

 Proverbs 17:17Amplified Bible (AMP)

My husband's point of view

I'll never forget the day Bonnie called and told me she had Breast Cancer. I was at work. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I wanted to run. I wanted to get away. All I could think  about was finding a quiet place where I could be alone and just get on my knees and pray. The only place I could think of was the bathroom but that wasn't a good place to pray so I knelt down beside my work table and cried out to the Lord. I asked Him why this was happening to us. We had just moved into our new home and we had so many plans. God, are you trying to tell us something? My heart was breaking. I stayed down there as long as I could without getting into trouble at work and then I got up. The guy across from me had apparently seen me fall down on my knees and when I got up, he asked me what was wrong. My heart was breaking inside. I was so sad. I loved my wife so much and I didn't want to lose her. Tyrone, my coworker, told me that he was sorry to hear about my wife and that he would be praying for me. He told me to talk to him and just let it out. He said it was okay to cry and that it was understandable for me to be so upset. I was thankful he was there for me to talk to because he's my brother in Christ. It was so hard for me to continue working that day, but I knew I had to do it. On my way home from work, I continued to pray. I kept asking God why. I just didn't understand it.

When I got home from work, the first thing I saw when I came in the door was Bonnie coming out of our bedroom. I could tell she'd been crying. As soon as she saw me, she just about fell into my arms sobbing uncontrollably. I began to cry too. All I could do was hold her in my arms and tell her it was going to be okay, that we'd get through it. Even though I was saying those words, I knew in my heart that the only way we could get through it was to take one day at a time. I got on my knees in front of Bonnie and told her that no matter what, I would always love her. I asked her right there, on the floor of our walk in closet, if she would marry me again. We both cried and I just wanted to let her know that I'd love her no matter if she had breasts or not. She was my wife and I just wanted her to be alive and okay.

 I thought about my mother and how she had struggled with Breast Cancer. I knew how hard it was for her. I did not want Bonnie to have to go through the same thing. When Bonnie told me that she was going to have to have surgery, I was afraid. She told me that she was going to have both breasts removed and she'd probably have to have chemotherapy and radiation. I wished with all my heart that it wasn't true. She'd already been through so much in her life and now this.

I knew Bonnie needed to get away, so we went to the beach for a few days. While we were there, I tried to give her space to think about things. It was a time for both of us to just be still before the Lord. We had such peace while there and it was beautiful. We sat down on the beach one day and I was looking out at the ocean. Bonnie got up and walked over to the dunes behind me. She was barefooted and I glanced back to see her writing something in the sand with her toes. I didn't know what she was doing. Then she came up to the beach and in the wet sand wrote "bye bye Boobies" with a piece of driftwood. She stood there for a long time just looking at it. I sat in my chair and watched her. Soon the waves began to come up onto the shore and they started to get closer and closer to what she'd written. She stood there watching as each wave came closer and then, a big wave came and washed the letters away. When that happened, she had a look on her face that told me it was over.

 When we got back home, it wasn't long before we were planning her trip to Piedmont hospital in Fayetteville. The breast surgeon told us that she would be there overnight and possibly a couple of days if necessary. We had to be at the hospital early in the morning. I think we woke up at 4 a.m. to be there by 5:30 a.m. When we arrived at the hospital, they took Bonnie straight back and began hooking her up to IVs and doing all kinds of blood tests on her. I just stood there and watched. Jamie, Bonnie's daughter, and Jimmy, Bonnie's brother, came to the hospital early and got to see Bonnie before she was taken to surgery. I don't know how long Bonnie was in the operating room but it seemed like a long time. I know it was about 5 hours or more and then she went to recovery. I sat in the waiting room with several family members. There was a lot of chit chat between all of us but I couldn't focus on what they were saying too much. I just kept praying.

Finally, Bonnie got to come to her room. I was so sad when I saw her. She had IVs coming out of her and had drainage tubes coming out of her chest. She was in a good bit of pain. I didn't know what to do. She dozed off and on all day because of the morphine they were giving her but when she was awake, we laughed and talked. There was one nurses aide who was a big help to us. She did whatever Bonnie needed to be done. Every time Bonnie needed to get up to go to the bathroom, that lady helped. That night was a long one. I slept in the recliner in the room and it was so uncomfortable! I was too tall to fit in it so I tossed and turned all night. Bonnie didn't sleep well either. She was very uncomfortable. I was thankful when the doctor told us the next day that she could go home late that afternoon.

When we got home, I helped her get in bed and get comfortable. I think we had every pillow in the house piled up on her side of the bed! We were trying to make it so the pillows were a little mountain. It would help keep her propped up so the drains could work properly. With all those pillows in the bed, there wasn't much room for me! Bonnie kept worrying about me not having enough room. I just lay on my side and finally drifted off to sleep.

For the next week, I had to help Bonnie with the drainage bulbs in her chest. When I first saw them, it was so disgusting. I knew they had to hurt. I could see where they had made an incision in her side to place the drainage tubes. When I looked at her scars, it broke my heart. Just to see those two long cuts across her chest killed me. I was just thankful that she was alive. The scars didn't matter that much. I watched Bonnie get through those first few weeks and it was hard. She was in a lot of pain and struggled with many things. I did what I could to help but I just didn't really know what to do. Whatever she asked me to do, I did. Every day we had to put Vitamin E oil on the incisions. The first time I did it, it was really hard. As my hand slid along the incision where her breast used to be, I was sad. I thought to myself that I'd never get to see her breasts again. Even though I felt that way, I didn't tell her. All that mattered was that she was still here.

The incisions have healed up pretty good now but Bonnie's got a lot of swelling around her arm pits. She went to the doctor about it and they said it is Lymphedema. She has been going to a specialist in Fayetteville to have treatments done to help with that. They are going to get some compression sleeves and a compression top for her to wear.

We've been getting a lot of bills in the mail lately from the hospital, from labs, and from all sorts of medical places. I told Bonnie not to worry about going down to the mailbox to get the mail. I know she gets so worried and upset about all the medical bills we're receiving. When the bills come, I take them and put them away so she doesn't have to look at them. I'm having to call and make arrangements with the hospital to pay them. I'm working as much overtime as I can at work because I know we need the money. We have a lot of bills right now and it's hard because we didn't have any before this. We were in a good place. We had planned to have a good life.

Now Bonnie is having to go through radiation. She's getting tired from the treatments. I wish I could go with her each day but I don't have any more time off work. I know it's hard for her to drive herself. The doctor told her that her energy level will continue to go down as she keeps going through treatment. I try to help her do the housework but she tells me to let her do it while she still can. There are some things she can't do any more like lift heavy things or vacuum. I know she hates to ask me for help.

It has been so hard for me to watch my wife go through this. When you love someone, you don't ever want them to hurt. You wish you could take their pain away from them. All I can do is pray for her every day. I spend a lot of time praying. God is my best friend and I talk to him about everything. I know he hears my prayers and I'm asking him to let Bonnie and I have a long life together. It took me forever to find her and I don't want to lose her now.

©Phil Annis all rights reserved

The path

 

“Maybe I can get through this.”
“No, I don't think so, I'm too weak.”
“This is too big for me to do by myself, I can't possibly do this.”
“My plan did not include this.”
“How can this be?”
“Why would God let this happen to me?” 
“This will ruin everything.”
“I can’t do this.”
"I don't want to do this!"

Those are words I've thought to myself recently. With those kinds of words, our paths get lonely.  And scary.  And darker than the night. Terrifying, confusing, disorienting.

Sometimes we feel like we’ve been knocked out and we wake up to find that our path has become completely unrecognizable.  Getting back on our feet takes a long time and makes us feel resentful because of the time we lose picking ourselves up…time we could have spent making progress on the path.

We wonder what happened to the pleasant views…the sweet smells and soft breezes we’d enjoyed before.  Sometimes they become impossible to remember and we start to think there’s only ever been darkness on our path.

In those shadowy places, we are left to feel our way through the darkness.  Even though we’d rather stop…even though we can’t imagine what could possibly be in front of us, we move forward…and in the driving rain and the howling wind, we learn new things about ourselves. We learn new things about our God. We learn to close our eyes and get quiet and listen. We learn to trust the path.

Eventually we learn that every winding, twisting, dark, scary part of the path ends and relief is found. When we have passed that place and can look back, we see lessons we wouldn’t have learned, people we wouldn’t have met, experiences we come to treasure.

When we look back, we see compassion and love and gratitude and purpose that was waiting for us in the dark place. We learn that the path is leading us to Truth, and that Truth intends to see us through. We learn that our paths won’t be all sunshine and roses…they couldn’t be. But we also learn that they won’t be all darkness and fear. We become more and more okay with the twists and turns….more and more grateful for blue skies and views that take our breath away. And we walk on…rain or shine.

Just like manna in the wilderness,  we learn that God's grace is new every morning. He gives us a fresh supply because His grace can't be stored up and used tomorrow. His grace is sufficient for today, the Bible tells us. His grace is what carries along those difficult paths. His grace is what's carrying me. 

Most of you know that I love hiking! I love being out in the woods where it's quiet and peaceful and filled with beauty. One of my favorite places to hike is on the Appalachian trail. You can jump on the trail at different points in North Georgia and states along the eastern coast. The trails vary in intensity and difficulty. They wind along magnificent waterfalls and rocky crags. They twist and turn and fall. They are perfect places for introspection. I've learned a lot about myself on those trails. I've faced many fears there and I've also found both inner and physical strength along those trails. Around every turn there's something new to see. It might be a fern covered forest floor, a wildflower filled canyon, or a deep, dark cave. The woods are filled with wildlife and the interesting sounds of nature. To me, those paths are precious gems...hidden treasures, to be protected and preserved. 

Those paths are ones I've chosen to travel many times in the past. I've prepared for them...planned where to enter and where to exit...geared up and packed my bag. I looked forward to traversing them. But, unlike those paths I've anticipated, I've been struggling with the path I'm currently on. I didn't plan to ever take this path. This Cancer path has been full of stones and roots and steep places. I've tripped and fallen many times and I'm sure I'll do it again and again. There have been places along the path were I've become very fearful because I was unable to see around the next bend. Sometimes the darkness has been overpowering. But as I walk on, placing one foot in front of the other, I trust God's grace to be sufficient. Just like the manna, I have to be willing to go out and gather enough for today's journey. I can't store up grace for tomorrow. So today, I woke up early. I had grace to gather. I have a difficult path today and I'm going to need it. 

Although I don't know what today holds, I'm determined to walk on. Yes, I may get tired along the way and if I do, I'm going to stop and rest. I might even need to pull out my walking sticks for extra support, but I'm going to do it. Right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot...I press on.

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