The bumps are what you climb on

I don't remember when I took my first hike, but it was probably with one of my Girl Scout troops many, many years ago. Being deep in the forest green, I felt different...I felt alive. Underneath the canopy of trees, the air was fresh and clean. The forest was alive with activity...all one had to do was stop, look, and listen. That first hike opened my senses and I fell in love with the great outdoors. Since that day, I've spent many days hiking or camping. It's what I love doing most.

Last year, my husband and I went hiking on the Appalachian Trail. We've jumped on and off different parts of the trail for the past 21 years, but on this trip, we were on the Benton McKaye Trail. We were at the trail head near Springer Mountain. The Benton McKaye Trail is a footpath about 300 miles long. It traverses through the Appalachian Mountains into the Great Smoky Mountains National Park.We were on a day trip, so we'd only cover about 7 to 10 miles that day, but we were excited.

We started out casually walking and talking about our plans for the week. Staying in a nearby cabin, we wanted to make the most of our vacation stay. The trail wound through the trees and we noticed a change as the path grew steeper. As we walked, we also noticed the forest seemed to grow more dense with heavy moss and deep green vines. Our breathing intensified as the trail got progressively more difficult. The path was no longer easy and smooth. Now it was rocky and covered with exposed roots from nearby trees. The roots and rocks made walking difficult. It was no longer easy to talk to each other face to face. We found it necessary to constantly look down at our feet to keep from tripping. The path became steeper and steeper. At one point, I had to lean forward and grasp onto some of the roots to pull myself up the hill. While the roots keep us tripping forward, I was also thankful for the ones that provided natural handholds.

I haven't been hiking in many months now because of my health issues. I miss it. Every day I sit at my computer looking out my window into the woods surrounding our house and I long to be out on a trail. Thinking about trails, hiking, and camping made me realize that sometimes, the bumps are what you have to climb on. Without the rocks and roots, my husband and I wouldn't have been able to make it up the vertical incline through the woods. As I thought about how the obstacles helped us continue on our journey, I began to think about my health. My journey with Breast Cancer started off slow and steady. First came the diagnosis and tests, then came surgery. As the path twists and turns, I'm learning to take one step at a time. I'm finding I have to step over some obstacles and grab onto my faith a little harder.

This morning, as I was reading my Bible, I found several passages that spoke to me. These verses tell me not to be surprised when I face trials in my life because the trials, allowed by God, have come to teach and test. They have also come to produce perseverance. Just like hiking on a trail, despite rocks and roots, takes me to my destination; trials in my life, though difficult and challenging, change me into the person God wants me to be.

Often when we hike, I love hunting waterfalls. Deep in the woods, in the middle of a path, it's hard to see what's around the next bend. I can usually hear the rushing waters long before we reach the waterfall, but I know it's somewhere ahead of me. Sometimes my ears trick me and make me think the waterfall is closer than it really is, but I just have to keep on walking and trusting that as I stay on the path, I'll reach my destination. It's the same way with my cancer journey. I know there's some reason God has allowed me to travel this path. I know there's something beneficial for me in it and even though I can't see it, I have to keep on walking through it. I have to climb over the rocks and roots. I have to use them to take me higher. My path is filled with ups and downs, twists and turns, rocks and roots, but I am determined to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. God hasn't promised to remove the stones from my path, but He does promise to make them into stepping stones instead of stumbling blocks.

One day, I'll have learned what He wants me to learn and I'll have become the person He wants me to become. I'll look back at the path I've traveled and see all I've been able to overcome. Some days it seems I'm all alone on the path, but I know that's not true. I know I have a constant traveling companion, my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He's promised to never leave me or forsake me. Why He's chosen this particular path, I may never know, but I am thankful for the rocks and roots He's given me to climb on to reach the high places. His Word tells me the testing of my faith will produce perseverance. The dictionary describes perseverance as steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement. I think I'm learning this lesson quite well. Thank you, Lord, that you've found me worthy to partake in a small part of your sufferings. May you receive glory and honor and may I be found faithful as I continue to press on. 

©bonnie annis all rights reserved 

^"12 Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. ¹³ But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. ¹⁴ If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you. ¹⁵ If you suffer, it should not be as a murderer or thief or any other kind of criminal, or even as a meddler. ¹⁶ However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name. ¹⁷ For it is time for judgment to begin with God’s household; and if it begins with us, what will the outcome be for those who do not obey the gospel of God? ¹⁸ And,

“If it is hard for the righteous to be saved,
    what will become of the ungodly and the sinner?”^[a]

¹⁹ So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good." 1 Peter 4:12-19

^"3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." James 1:3


^"3 Not only so, but we^[a] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance." Romans 5:3

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Health challenges

It's a rainy day in Georgia...a cold, dreary, dismal day. In just a few minutes, I'll be leaving for the Cardiologist's office to have my heart monitor attached. This will be the fourth time I've gone to a doctor's office and come home looking like a suicide bomber. Dr. Mitchell, my Cardiologist, is hoping to discover what's causing all the PVC's (premature ventricular contractions) I've been having lately. The PVC's are a daily occurrence and have become so commonplace, I hardly notice them any longer. When they first started, I always felt like my heart was tap dancing in my chest and it scared me. Now I barely pay attention to them at all.

I've been on the Arimidex for 3 days now and so far, I haven't noticed any side effects other than some joint pain and headaches. In a month, I'll return to the Oncologist for a check up and to let him know what side effects have been troublesome. I'm hoping I don't experience any of the major side effects like bone fractures and mental changes. I'd like to remain in control of my faculties and I don't relish the idea of walking down a hallway and suddenly fracturing my hip.

The girls never made it out of the driveway. If you read my last post, you'll know that I had planned to wear my prostheses on Saturday. I had them on and we were about to pull out of the driveway when I made my husband stop the car and let me get out. They were just too heavy and I couldn't stand the pressure on my chest. I ran inside and removed Thing 1 and Thing 2, hastily throwing my mastectomy bra on the bed. What a relief to be rid of those cumbersome things!

The holidays are just around the corner and I've been hopeful that my family would rally around and support me by deciding to come and give thanks for all God has done this year, but my hopes were dashed today when Jamie told me that she was the only one coming to celebrate with us. I am heart broken to have a fractured family but it is what it is. I will celebrate anyway...with or without them. God has blessed me so much this year and for that I am extremely grateful.

In my quiet time this morning, God took me to Psalm 46. He keeps sending me there and showing me the words "be still and know." This morning, I did a word study on the word "still" in both Greek and Hebrew. It was amazing to find that the word means to release or let go...to surrender. I've been trying to carry my burdens alone for such a long time. God has been working on my heart and reminding me that He is in control and I am not. He wants me to open my hands...loosen my grip...and let everything fall out of them. With empty hands, I can receive what He wants to give me. I am overwhelmed and grateful...

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

 

Taking the girls out

For months and month's they've been waiting, waiting to be taken out...my girls. Patiently they've lain in their little pink pill boxes on my dresser. I've seen them every day, but have paid them no mind. It wasn't time...but today, they're getting to go out! They'll have a trial run.

I was scared to pick them up. Before even going over to their boxes, I began to cry. I told my husband I didn't know if I could do this. He was so sweet to hold me in his arms and say, "if you can't, don't. No one will know. No one needs to be looking at your chest anyway." I stood close to his warmth for a few minutes letting him console me and and then I moved away. I wiped the tears from my eyes and determined that I was going to do this. 

My prostheses, I'll call them Thing 1 and Thing 2 (thank you Dr. Seuss), are so heavy. As I lift Thing 1 and hold her in my hands, I'm overcome with emotion. This pinkish, silicone breast form feels cold and squishy between my fingers. Suddenly, I heard a voice in my head saying, "Be careful with your new breasts," the woman at the fitting salon had told me; "never let them get damaged or punctured because if they do, they'll leak silicone all over the place and these things cost a fortune to replace." I took Thing 1 and gently slipped her into my lace lined Mastectomy bra. She looked lonely as she lay there facing down. I took Thing 2 out of her little pink pill box and held her in my hand. She was her sister's twin. I slipped Thing 2 gently into her little pocket on my bra and stood there holding the bra by the shoulder straps for a long time. I looked at it from all angles. The bra was very heavy with both girls in tow. I didn't know if I could do this.

I went into the bathroom and locked the door. Why I locked it, I don't really know. My husband was the only other person in the house. I guess I didn't want him to walk in and see me trying on this new Mastectomy bra...it would be so embarrassing. I slipped one arm and then the other into the bra. It felt awkward and unnatural. I hadn't worn a bra in 4 months. I felt like such a rebel. I hadn't need to wear one. My chest had been so raw and so painful from surgery and radiation that I would never have dreamed of even trying to put one on...but today was different.

Reaching back, I struggled to hook the bra in place. I remembered the first time I'd ever worn a bra. I was 8 and it wasn't a real bra anyway...it was a training bra...a little lace, spandex slip of fabric my mother had purchased to make me feel better because all my friends at school were getting their little breast buds and they were getting new bras. I didn't have any. I was flat as a pancake, but still, she wanted me to fit in. She wanted me to feel like the rest of the girls felt. She had to help me fasten the hook and eye closure back then...how I wished she were here to help me fasten this one now. Finally I managed to hook first one and then the other of the two hooks on the clasp. I took Thing 1 in my hand and adjusted her to a more normal position. I did the same thing with Thing 2. Stepping back from the mirror, I glared at myself. This was the first time the girls had been in "go" position. I took my hands and gently gave them a squeeze. I needed to see how they would feel if someone accidentally bumped into me. They had to pass the "real boobie feeling test." Silicone is a great thing, I thought, as I squeezed them a little harder. Yes, they passed.

Into the closet I went to see if I could find a shirt that would be comfortable. Not only did I need one that buttoned all the way up the front, but I also needed one that would fit over my Lymphedema sleeves. Such a dilemma! I tried on several shirts before finding a red plaid one that worked. I buttoned it up and went back to look at myself in the mirror. No one would know they weren't real! I turned sideways and checked...pretty good!

I looked at the clock and it was almost 11:00. We needed to leave soon. "Okay, girls," I said, "it's time to go." I gave them a little shift and slipped on my coat. "It's cold outside...are you ready?" of course they didn't answer back, but with falsies, at least I know they won't react to the cold weather in a tale tell way like real breasts do! And if they start to get too heavy later in the day, I'll just slip off my bra and throw it into the back seat. At least I have that option.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved