Bobbing for Boobs

 Yesterday I got a wild hair. Have you ever had one of those? Hubby and I had been stuck indoors for days due to heavy rains and I was tired of it! The sun had finally come out and was shining bright. Everything was drying under the warm summer sun so I said, "Let's go for a hike!" So Hubs and put on our sneakers, grabbed a couple of bottled waters and headed out.

We drove to a nearby nature area. I grabbed my camera (I always have to have my camera with me) and started toward the entrance of the park. We noticed there weren't many cars in the parking lot yet, so it should be easy to get to the trails quickly. Water bottles were tucked into my husband's pants pockets and off we went.

The weather was gorgeous! A bright blue sky with large, white puffy clouds was directly above us. Just off to the side of the trail, there were lush, green plants and on the other side of us was a beautiful river. The beginning of the trail was covered with tree roots and we had to watch our step carefully as it began to meander up and over hills. As we kept moving along, we faced a few more challenges as the trail became steeper and covered in rocks or descended fording small streams. We were so happy to be outdoors, we didn't pay much attention to the temperature but I did notice that I was beginning to "glisten" (Southern Belles don't sweat, they glisten!) and felt my shirt becoming a little damp.

We took a breather upon a large boulder and drank some water. As we stood there, marveling at the beauty of God's creation, we saw a large Great Blue Heron near the water's edge. Quickly, I set up my camera and took the shot...it was perfect! We lingered there a little longer as several other hikers came down the trail and then we decided to move on.

As we came to the end of the first trail, we realized we'd done about 2 miles already according to the park map. We turned around and headed toward the other end of the park so we could catch a new trail and head toward some Civil War ruins. As we continued traversing the roots and rocks, I realized my energy level was starting to wane.

On our way down the trail, we saw families with their little ones playing in the water. There were rope swings and other places for the children to enjoy themselves. We smiled and kept walking. We had a nice rhythm going and didn't want to break our stride.

We walked for over 2 hours and when we had completed every trail in the park, we'd logged about 6 miles of hiking. We meandered out of the park and toward our car. By that time, I was really hot and really tired. The back of my neck was wringing wet and my husband was sweating profusely. As soon as we got into the car, I turned on the air conditioning full blast.

When we got home, I told hubs that I needed to change clothes. I was sticky and wanted to freshen up. I had to ask for help removing my shirt and then, as I slipped my bra and prostheses off, I noticed the inside of my bra (the part that touched my skin) was dirty and damp. The prostheses had slipped out of their place and had gotten a little dirty too. I realized at that point it I shouldn't have worn them, but I was self conscious without them, so I did.

I slid the prostheses out of their pockets in my mastectomy bra and threw the bra in the washer. As I held the fake boobs in my hands, their silicone shape was slimy feeling. I remembered, when I bought them, being told they were washable. I pulled out the instruction manual to read how to do it. The manual said to wash them gently in warm, soapy water and then pat them dry and return them to their cases.

In the bathroom, I filled up the sink with warm water and added a little soap. I was afraid to wash my "girls" for fear of puncturing them so I took my rings off. These things were almost $600 and I definitely didn't want to pop a hole in one of them! Gently, I slid the first breast form into the water. it slipped under the bubbles and then bobbed back up! There in the midst of the bubbles, I saw a pale pinkish tan nipple looking up at me. I'd never noticed that before. There was a flat impression of a nipple on the form. I wondered why it was there because when inserted in the mastectomy bra, it couldn't be seen anyway. Maybe it was just a mental mind game for the wearer of the prosthetic.

Looking at the breast forms moving around in the water, I was suddenly reminded of a childhood memory. It was almost Halloween and we were at a neighbor's house about to begin playing Halloween games. The game I hated most was bobbing for apples. Every time we bent our heads down to grasp the apple, the apple would dip down and slide away. It was a very frustrating game!

The silicone forms were slippery when wet and it was hard to hold onto them. As I tried to wash the first one, it slipped through my fingers more than once. It was like trying to hold onto a slippy, slidey bar of wet soap. Finally, I got the hang of it. This was my first time washing them. I'd had these forms for over a year. Actually, I had never needed to wash them because I had only worn them once or twice before and had never worn them hiking in the summer.

So now, the girls are lying on a hand towel on my bathroom counter as they dry. They look funny lying there. I'm glad my husband is at work so he doesn't have to see them. I think the next time I go hiking, these things are going to stay home in their little pink boxes right where they belong. Sweaty Silicone is not attractive, not in the least.

It's a good thing there's not a game called "Bobbing for Boobs." Number one, I don't think it would be appropriate for children to play. Number two, I think men would enjoy it too much. Number three, the silicone prostheses would probably incur a lot of collateral damage. And number four, it just seems kind of silly, don't you think?

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

I need a little prayer today

Today I'm struggling. I woke up feeling like I'd been run over by a Mack truck. Every move I made took great effort...my muscles were screaming out in pain. Yesterday, my husband and I did a little hiking. I had wanted to get out of the house and just "do" something. So we decided to take a little jaunt. We drove all over the surrounding areas enjoying the sights. I had brought my camera along and was able to get a few good photos of country life, too. We found a beautiful, quaint little town called Serenbe in Palmetto, Georgia. “Serenbe is a utopian experiment in New Urbanism being molded out of Georgia red clay," says a reporter with the New York Times and I'm inclined to agree with him. Any and everything you could want is in that tight knit little community. It has the best of both worlds, all the amenities of city life with beautiful green space and hiking trails, too. 

 

As we wandered through Serenbe, we found cute little shops, restaurants, and beautiful homes. We found some hiking trails that meandered through the woods, too. Since we're both avid hikers, we decided to stop and pick up a few trails. As we sauntered down the pine straw laden floors of the forest, we realized how much we've missed being out in the woods. It's been many months since we've had a good hike. We didn't stay out long because it was the first time out since my surgery and hubs was worried that I might get over tired...and he was right but I didn't realize it until today.

 

On top of my muscle pain, I'm also dealing with discomfort from scar tissue and a seroma. I wrote about this in one of my earlier posts so I won't go into more detail about it here other than to say we're trying gentle massage to see if the scar tissue will loosen up and the fluid will disperse. If it doesn't, I'll have to have it drained with a syringe. I don't relish having to have that done. 

It's not something I usually do in my blog but today, I'd like to ask for a little prayer. It's been tough getting adjusted to the Tamoxifen and the side effects that have come with it like severe headaches, nausea, and fatigue. I don't like feeling "sick." I'm used to feeling pretty good and when I feel like this, I am reminded that my health isn't so great right now. 

 

This has been a tough season for me and I've been struggling over how I can pursue healing without making health an idol. In other words, when navigating a broken world and you find yourself in a dark, hurtful place of pain, how do you respond in such a way that you do not get distracted by wanting deliverance more than you want the Deliverer?

 

Last month, a friend posted an answered prayer to a health crisis on her Facebook wall. The first comment read, “God is good!” Yes, God IS good. But when I see that kind of response to good news, I always think, yes, but what if the health crisis had ended in tragedy? I wonder if that person would have commented along these lines, “Horrible news. God is bad.” I'm sure they wouldn't have, but you can't help but think it. Sometimes, when we say, "God is good" isn't our meaning more along the lines of  “Yippee! We got what we wanted—isn’t that awesome?! God is good because He answered our prayer the way we asked him to answer it.”

Many people have uttered the phrase, "If God is so good, why does He let bad things happen?"
I’ve experienced enough struggle and sadness in my life to know the answer. I don’t want a God who is limited to my understanding of good. I actually want a God who works in mysterious ways, who uses suffering to produce beauty, who understands that good always trumps evil, who won’t let me be satisfied with a superficial goodness that I use to measure how happy I am in the moment. I want to trust a God who fights for goodness in my life by providing journeys that walk through muck and mire. I don’t want to be satisfied with Him just giving me what I want to get me by. I want to hurt, yearn, and suffer so that I can experience the depth of peace and  hope and eventual redemption. That is Goodness! ...Or so I say.

Yes, I'm hurting physically right now but nothing like the pain an internet friend of mine is experiencing. You've seen my most recent posts about Kara Tippetts, the young mother who is in the last stages of metastatic cancer...the beautiful, brave, woman of faith who is fighting for every last second she can have with her family. She is in excruciating pain. My pain pales in comparison to hers and I am ashamed to even admit I have pain. I have cried out to God on her behalf asking for a miracle. Asking for Him to allow her to live and to restore her to good health and even while I'm asking, I know this isn't His plan. He has used her life of pain and suffering to show others her marvelous faith and His great sovereignty. 

I've dreamed about Kara a lot lately. A few nights ago, I imagined her lying on her bed with her family gathered around. It was dark and she was crying out in pain, unbearable pain. I kept thinking to myself, there must be a way to help her...and then I realized, I was wanting deliverance for her more than the Deliverer. But God never promises us good health. He never promises that we'll accomplish all of our goals or that all of our dreams will come true. He doesn't promise that if we work hard enough, everything will turn out the way we want them too....no, He only promises His grace. Now back to my dream...there is my friend, in the depths of despair, I am praying that God will deliver her. I know that my prayer is in line with God's will because the Bible teaches us to ask our Father for what we need. But if I am trying to figure out a way to solve her problems for her, it wouldn't fix everything. Her heart would still be broken. She doesn’t just need deliverance—she needs her Deliverer. Only God can heal her heart, draw her close, shower her with unconditional love, provide hope for her weary heart. Isn’t that what I really want for her? Isn’t that what I really want for myself? Her struggle doesn’t mean God isn’t good. It means just the opposite—it means that God is pursuing her, drawing her to Himself, proving His great love to her, wiping the tears from her eyes, filling her heart with hope, calming her spirit with peace. That is Grace. And what is better than Grace? Nothing.

So would you say a little prayer for me today and would you say a big one for Kara? Pray that God will be her strength as her life draws to a close. Pray that she will cling to her Deliverer and never let Him go. Pray for her family to be able to comfort each other with the comfort they have been given through Christ. Hard days are ahead for all of them, but God is good. He will be enough for all of them. And He is enough for me, even when my health needs are small compared to hers. He cares about every need and loves us all the same.

The bumps are what you climb on

I don't remember when I took my first hike, but it was probably with one of my Girl Scout troops many, many years ago. Being deep in the forest green, I felt different...I felt alive. Underneath the canopy of trees, the air was fresh and clean. The forest was alive with activity...all one had to do was stop, look, and listen. That first hike opened my senses and I fell in love with the great outdoors. Since that day, I've spent many days hiking or camping. It's what I love doing most.

Last year, my husband and I went hiking on the Appalachian Trail. We've jumped on and off different parts of the trail for the past 21 years, but on this trip, we were on the Benton McKaye Trail. We were at the trail head near Springer Mountain. The Benton McKaye Trail is a footpath about 300 miles long. It traverses through the Appalachian Mountains into the Great Smoky Mountains National Park.We were on a day trip, so we'd only cover about 7 to 10 miles that day, but we were excited.

We started out casually walking and talking about our plans for the week. Staying in a nearby cabin, we wanted to make the most of our vacation stay. The trail wound through the trees and we noticed a change as the path grew steeper. As we walked, we also noticed the forest seemed to grow more dense with heavy moss and deep green vines. Our breathing intensified as the trail got progressively more difficult. The path was no longer easy and smooth. Now it was rocky and covered with exposed roots from nearby trees. The roots and rocks made walking difficult. It was no longer easy to talk to each other face to face. We found it necessary to constantly look down at our feet to keep from tripping. The path became steeper and steeper. At one point, I had to lean forward and grasp onto some of the roots to pull myself up the hill. While the roots keep us tripping forward, I was also thankful for the ones that provided natural handholds.

I haven't been hiking in many months now because of my health issues. I miss it. Every day I sit at my computer looking out my window into the woods surrounding our house and I long to be out on a trail. Thinking about trails, hiking, and camping made me realize that sometimes, the bumps are what you have to climb on. Without the rocks and roots, my husband and I wouldn't have been able to make it up the vertical incline through the woods. As I thought about how the obstacles helped us continue on our journey, I began to think about my health. My journey with Breast Cancer started off slow and steady. First came the diagnosis and tests, then came surgery. As the path twists and turns, I'm learning to take one step at a time. I'm finding I have to step over some obstacles and grab onto my faith a little harder.

This morning, as I was reading my Bible, I found several passages that spoke to me. These verses tell me not to be surprised when I face trials in my life because the trials, allowed by God, have come to teach and test. They have also come to produce perseverance. Just like hiking on a trail, despite rocks and roots, takes me to my destination; trials in my life, though difficult and challenging, change me into the person God wants me to be.

Often when we hike, I love hunting waterfalls. Deep in the woods, in the middle of a path, it's hard to see what's around the next bend. I can usually hear the rushing waters long before we reach the waterfall, but I know it's somewhere ahead of me. Sometimes my ears trick me and make me think the waterfall is closer than it really is, but I just have to keep on walking and trusting that as I stay on the path, I'll reach my destination. It's the same way with my cancer journey. I know there's some reason God has allowed me to travel this path. I know there's something beneficial for me in it and even though I can't see it, I have to keep on walking through it. I have to climb over the rocks and roots. I have to use them to take me higher. My path is filled with ups and downs, twists and turns, rocks and roots, but I am determined to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. God hasn't promised to remove the stones from my path, but He does promise to make them into stepping stones instead of stumbling blocks.

One day, I'll have learned what He wants me to learn and I'll have become the person He wants me to become. I'll look back at the path I've traveled and see all I've been able to overcome. Some days it seems I'm all alone on the path, but I know that's not true. I know I have a constant traveling companion, my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He's promised to never leave me or forsake me. Why He's chosen this particular path, I may never know, but I am thankful for the rocks and roots He's given me to climb on to reach the high places. His Word tells me the testing of my faith will produce perseverance. The dictionary describes perseverance as steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement. I think I'm learning this lesson quite well. Thank you, Lord, that you've found me worthy to partake in a small part of your sufferings. May you receive glory and honor and may I be found faithful as I continue to press on. 

©bonnie annis all rights reserved 

^"12 Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. ¹³ But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. ¹⁴ If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you. ¹⁵ If you suffer, it should not be as a murderer or thief or any other kind of criminal, or even as a meddler. ¹⁶ However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name. ¹⁷ For it is time for judgment to begin with God’s household; and if it begins with us, what will the outcome be for those who do not obey the gospel of God? ¹⁸ And,

“If it is hard for the righteous to be saved,
    what will become of the ungodly and the sinner?”^[a]

¹⁹ So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good." 1 Peter 4:12-19

^"3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." James 1:3


^"3 Not only so, but we^[a] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance." Romans 5:3