The Avalanche begins

I just got a call from the pre-registration department of the hospital. After playing 20 questions, the guy on the phone says (in one long unbroken breath) "you'll need to pay your remaining deductible and that's $486.17, how would you like to pay that?" I paused and told him we weren't expecting to have to pay that right now. He said "you can set up payment arrangements with the front desk upon check in." Wow!

The medical bills have already started rolling in and I haven't even had my surgery yet! How does anyone afford Cancer? We just received a bill from the hospital last week for the pathology and lab work in the amount of $580.00. Thankfully my husband does have insurance and they should pay 80% of the upcoming medical bills but there are no guarantees. Insurance companies drop Cancer patients every day along with people suffering from other long term illnesses.

I'm not a proponent of socialized medicine or "Obamacare" but what do people do when they have no way to pay for their medical bills? Do they just claim medical bankruptcy? Do they self treat at home? Do they forego treatment all together? Do they set up minimum payments on long term payment plans that could last for a decade or more?

It's sad that Cancer patients have to have the added stress of medical bills in conjunction with all the other stressors they face on a daily basis. There should be concessions that hospitals and insurance companies could make to help alleviate some of the monetary burden upon patients. It's hard enough to deal with the agony of a devastating medical diagnosis, surgery, treatments, pain, emotional turmoil and then on top of all that have to deal with medical woes...it's enough to kill a person. Maybe that's what they're trying to do to keep from having to pay out large claims...HMMMM????

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Stormy Seas

I was reading Mark 4:35-41 today. I've read those verses many times before but something was different today. The disciples are with Jesus and he asks them to go with him on a journey. He invites them to climb into his boat and go across the sea with him. As they are going out into the water, the winds start to whip and the waves get bigger. A full-fledged storm is brewing and it's no ordinary storm...it's Hurricane strength! What does Jesus do? He goes into the stern of the boat, lays His head down on a leather cushion and falls asleep. The boat starts taking on water as the disciples become more and more afraid. They are in FULL FREAK OUT MODE and decide that it's time to wake Jesus up.

I can just picture them shifting their weight in the boat and deciding which one of them is going to be the one to wake Jesus. I imagine whoever was elected was frantically shaking Jesus by the shoulder trying to rustle Him from a deep sleep. As soon as Jesus awakens, He immediately stands up. I can almost see the look on the disciples face as they rapidly blurt out through fear filled hearts "don't you care that the boat is sinking? We're going to DIE! What are you going to do about it??? Help us, NOW!" Of course, those weren't their exact words but I'm sure it was something close to that.

And what does Jesus do... He commands the sea to "be still" and instantly, the waves cease and the water is calm. He speaks to the wind and says "quiet." The wind immediately stills and a perfect hush settles around the boat.  Just as the disciples' hearts stop pounding in their chests, Jesus looks at them and says "Why are you so full of fear, don't you have any faith?" The disciples then look around at each other wondering who this man is that the wind and sea obey him.

The disciples KNEW Jesus. They had been with him long enough to watch him perform miracles and yet, they were scared to death on the sea even though He was right there in the boat with them! I wondered why they were so afraid.

On June 5, when the Doctor of Radiology called me with the pathology report, I immediately became fearful. The first thing I could think was this is my death sentence. Although I knew that Jesus was right there with me while I was on the phone, I chose to let fear overwhelm me. I couldn't see Jesus right there with me, but I knew in my heart He was there. The disciples on the other hand could SEE Jesus. They could see Him lying there asleep on the pillow in the back of the boat...and yet, they chose to let fear overtake them.

Why are we so quick to allow fear into our lives? Why is it such an easy emotion to accept? I am a person of faith and I consider myself to have a strong faith, so why then did I react the way I did when I received that fateful call? Jesus asked the same thing of the disciples when he said "why are you so full of fear, don't you have any faith?"

Have you ever held a mustard seed in your hand? They are so tiny. Jesus says in the Bible that if we have faith the size of a mustard seed that we can say to a mountain MOVE and it will be moved into the sea. I've always thought that I had at least that much faith, but do I really? Why is faith so hard to grasp?

Faith requires that we trust in something we can't see. Faith calls us to let go of every ounce of fear inside of us and when we do, we find something amazing happening...we find that there's a peace to the inner storm of turmoil in our lives. Just like Jesus commanding the sea and the wind, there's instant stillness. Faith and trust go hand in hand and without them, fear slides in and rocks the boat.

I'm not saying that the diagnosis of Cancer is an easy one to accept because that's far from the truth, but as a Christian, there's no reason to allow fear to take control of my ship. My Navigator is Jesus Christ and though He may allow me to sail through some stormy seas in the days ahead; He's my compass...my TRUE NORTH. I know that I can trust Him even when I can't see Him. And yes, I'm sure there are going to be moments when I find myself feeling fearful but I know that even if my boat is rocking on tumultuous seas all I have to do is call on Jesus and He'll calm the waters immediately.What a comfort to know that I don't have to go through anything that constitutes a personal storm without God always being in control. Help me, Lord, to remember that storms cease more quickly when I trust in You!

© Bonnie Annis all rights reserved

Thankful Thursday

Since my Cancer diagnosis, I've been seeing the world through new eyes. Even the little things in life are amazing! So every Thursday, I'm going to share the things for which I'm thankful.

•  I was awakened by the sound of birds chirping. They do this every morning but today they sounded especially sweet. Just a little while later, the sun began to shine through my window and I was thankful for the right to see it rise again. Little things.

• I received a Facebook message from a new found "Pink Sister." She wanted to share helpful tips and information with me. Can you believe that? A complete stranger! She also offered to come to my house and bring me items that would help me during my surgery and recovery period. She wanted to "pay forward" the kindnesses that someone had paid to her during her treatment. 

•  I received a Facebook message from my Aunt telling me that she loves me and she's praying for me. I'm so thankful for the love and prayers of others. 

• The mail lady drove up my driveway because she had a package to deliver. I hadn't seen a soul all day so I went out to talk with her. She stayed in my driveway and we talked for about 15 minutes about my health and she offered to do anything she could for me in the days ahead. I'm thankful for new friends!

• Two of my children called today to check on me and they've made a special point to do this every day. I feel so loved!

• My brother set up Skype so I could "visit" with my mother who's in a nursing home. Isn't technology grand?

• A sweet friend sent me a picture of herself wearing a Breast Cancer shirt and said she was wearing it for me! I felt so honored!

•  Another dear friend said she'd like to be at the hospital with me when I had my surgery. I was so touched!

•  Hubby is going to stop by the salon on his way home from work to pick up some styling wax for my hair new do. He's so sweet to run errands for me! I am so blessed!

God gives me so many things to be thankful for each day. Little things aren't so little anymore when you look at them through the eyes of Cancer. I hope you know how much I appreciate those of you who are taking time to read my blog too! Blogging has been cathartic for me and has helped me deal with a vast array of emotions. Be good to yourself and be thankful. Today is a gift...use it wisely.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

God is God and I am not

For days and days, I've felt all alone in this battle against Cancer. I've been searching for someone to talk to and understand what I'm going through. Sometimes I just want to cry my eyes out. Other times I want to kick and scream. And of course, I keep wondering why me.

This morning, as I was reading my Bible, God pointed me to the book of Job (pronounced with a long O sound not like the word job), chapters 38-39. If you're not familiar with it, in a nutshell Job was a very wealthy man who loved the Lord and praised Him daily. Satan asked God if everything was taken away from Job, would Job still love and worship Him. So God gave Satan permission to do anything he wanted to do to Job except kill him. Satan had a field day. He destroyed Job's family, took away all of his wealth, and made him physically ill. At first, Job praised God anyway and said "the Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away" but as the destruction on his life continues, Job becomes tired of fighting. He begins to ask God why...why was he even born!

God in His power and might answers Job in a way Job did not expect. He tells Job that He is going to question him and He (God) is going to demand that Job answer Him. He starts out asking Job where he was when He (God) created the earth. Then He asks Job who laid out boundaries for the ocean waters. He then asks "Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place?" On and on the questions come. In essence, God was telling Job that He was God and Job was not. He had allowed Job to suffer and He had allowed it for a purpose. 

I thought about those chapters in the book of Job and how they could apply to me right now. God seemed to be shouting at me, "this is what I want you to understand! You haven't done anything wrong, you've done nothing to deserve this disease, but I've allowed it for my purposes." Okay, okay! I get it God! It's not for me to understand and I won't ask why any longer. I'll just accept the fact that you've chosen to take me through this for a special reason. I may never understand the reason until I can look back and see what you were doing. I may never understand it at all, but I will accept your sovereign will in my life. After finally accepting the fact that God's allowing this into my life, I can relax a little. I don't have to worry and wonder any more. I can rest just knowing that He's got it all figured out.

I've been overwhelmed with the love and support I've received over the past few days. God has been using others to minister His love to me. Complete strangers have wrapped their arms tightly around me and comforted me. Oh they haven't been by my side physically, but through the magic of the internet, I've met thousands of new sisters who are either in the beginning, in the middle, or in the end stages of Cancer. Each one of them have been willing to "pay it forward" to newbies like me.

Cancer comes with a million unanswered questions and the "Pink Sisterhood" are a wealth of information when it comes to finding answers. Through Facebook groups like "Breast Cancer Survivors," "Breast Cancer Champions," "Christian Women Living with Cancer" and others, I've found women who are willing to be open and honest and raw about their journeys. They don't belittle me for asking "dumb" questions. They answer truthfully and candidly.

One of the ladies lives in the Atlanta area and has even offered to come visit me and bring me things that she used during her surgical recovery period. Isn't it amazing that a complete stranger would be willing to come and talk with me? Isn't it generous of her to be willing to give me helpful tips and advice to make my journey a little easier? I think so!From what I've learned so far from these ladies, once they've made it to the "other side of Cancer" they are so filled with gratitude, they just feel an overwhelming need to "pay it forward." Right now, I'm on the receiving end but hopefully, in the very near future, I'll be on the giving end.

Reading their stories gives me hope. One thing I've seen throughout each of their journeys is a strong desire to live and the will to fight. Very rarely do you read about a woman diagnosed with Cancer who just rolls over and gives up. Usually, they put up their dukes, crawl into the ring and start punching! It doesn't matter how many times they get knocked down; they somehow manage to get up again. And they keep on fighting until either Cancer deals the final blow or they kick Cancer's butt. I think God gives women an extra dose of courage, strength, wisdom, and patience when He creates them. Afterall, how could we make it in the world today without those?

I am thankful that God is God and I am not! I wouldn't want to have all the responsibilities that He has holding the stars in place, keeping the oceans in their boundaries...listening to all those prayers! Whenever I don't understand why He's allowing something into my life, I have to remember that when I can't see His hand, I can trust His heart. And that's enough for me. 

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Countdown

Don't you just love going to the Play Store and downloading Apps? I do! I'm always looking for a useful application to put on my cell phone. A while back, I found a great one, thanks to the advice of my son, called the Final Countdown. It's an application that allows you to set a specific date for an event and then the App will do a second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, countdown to your event. It's really cool and I love watching the red digital numbers clicking away.

This morning, I was looking at my App and an event that I had programmed into it.  I'd programmed in the date of my bilateral mastectomy. The little clock is screaming out  It's only 15 days now until I have my surgery. I can look back at another event and see it's been exactly 19 days since I received the news that I have Breast Cancer.  That App is a good one to have, especially when you have an event you're looking forward to attending but in my case, not so much. Maybe it's just my imagination, but the mass feels like it's gotten larger. I can't help thinking that the Cancer is continuing to grow and multiply inside me while I wait to have it cut out. In my mind, I can see the cells mutating. I can see them just as clearly as if I were back in Biology class looking at a Petri dish under microscopic magnification.

I remember when I was in high school. One of my favorite classes was Biology. My professor, Mr. Wing, was a nerdy little guy with glasses and a beard but he was a good teacher. He loved seeing his students reaction when they witnessed something they'd never seen before. I know I brought him a lot of joy because I was amazed at almost everything we learned in his class!

Peering into the lens of the microscope and watching microorganisms swimming around in a droplet of water was fascinating to me. I loved studying about DNA, cell replication, and cell mutation. I wanted to go into the medical field after I completed high school. To me, Science was a very broad and open field of study with so many different choices in which to specialize. I thought about starting out as a Registered Nurse or even a Paramedic, but never dreamed of Oncology...never gave a thought to studying Cancer.

When you're diagnosed with Breast Cancer, after you get past the initial shock of the diagnosis, you become a specialist in your field very quickly. You become obsessed with wanting to quickly gather as much information about the disease as possible. You feel a need to know. In some small way, the more knowledge you glean, the more control you feel. On the other hand, too much knowledge can be a bad thing. The internet is full of wonderful, helpful information but it's also full of fallacies and misinformation. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between the two.

I've tried hard to gather information that will prove helpful to me. Just like a soldier choosing weapons for an upcoming battle, I'm trying to choose the ones that will prove most powerful and effective. I've been studying about diet and how it can change and affect the outcome of the growth of Cancer. I've been studying about the effects of stress and the power of positive thinking. I've been learning any and everything that may or may not give me a better chance at beating this disease in conjunction with the medical treatments my doctor deems necessary. I'm finding myself to be more determined than ever to live and live as long as I possibly can live. It's funny, but until Cancer found me, I never really gave much thought to my life or how long I might live.

It's not easy knowing that Cancer cells are inside me right now growing and multiplying although they probably aren't growing as rapidly as I might think. Even though I want them out of me immediately, the scientist side of me wants to see them and understand them. I want to know what caused me to get Cancer. How long has it been growing deep inside of me? And what would have happened had I never discovered it hiding there? Most data on the internet says that by the time we actually feel a lump, the Cancer has been growing for 8-10 years! That is hard for me to fathom.

As I continue to wait for my surgery, I'm trying hard not to think about how many Cancer cells are dancing around inside me. It's hard knowing they're having a closed door party and I wasn't invited to attend. But soon, I'm going to offer them a special "chemo cocktail" that's going to knock their socks off! I can just picture it...just like spraying a can of Raid onto a big hill of red ants...they're going to fall over dead in their tracks.  There will be no more replication, no more mutation, no more Cancer cells of any kind....at least that's what I'm hoping for...

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Laughter, the best medicine

Today I watched an online movie called "Decoding Annie Parker." It was a movie based on the true story of Annie Parker, a young woman whose Grandmother, Mother, and Sister all died of Breast Cancer. The story was also about a persistent geneticist, Dr. Marie Claire King, who worked for years trying to discover the link or  the hereditary gene (BRCA1) that may have caused women in the same family to get Breast Cancer. She and Annie worked diligently to find the connection. It was an interesting movie.

My breast surgeon had talked to me at my last visit about testing me for the BRCA1 gene since there was no history of Breast Cancer in my immediate family. She told me that it was important to know if I carried that gene because if I do, there's an 85% chance that one of my daughters will get Breast Cancer at some point in their lives. Those are pretty high odds and I'm scared to have the test done because of them; but I'd rather know and be able to let my girls know just in case they need that information in the future.

Speaking of the future, I'm a pretty practical person, or at least I like to think I am. I'm always planning ahead, making sure things are set in place. Today, my husband and I went to visit our lawyer. A couple of weeks ago, right after receiving my diagnosis, I made an appointment to have him draw up wills for us. (Now don't go thinking I'm planning on dying any time soon because that is NOT the case. I plan on being around a LONG time! I just want to make sure things are in order now so I won't have to worry about them later.) While the attorney was going over the wills with my husband and I, he was discussing stipulations set forth in the will with regard to right of survivorship. He said, "Mrs. Annis let's just say you die first..." I didn't even let him finish his sentence and I burst out laughing. He looked puzzled and I knew I had to explain my behavior and I wanted to make light of the situation at the same time. I said, "well, that actually might be the case since I just recently got a diagnosis of Breast Cancer." You should have seen his face! He turned a bright shade of red and apologized profusely explaining that he was just using that as an example. I told him I knew that but I had to take advantage of a little bit of humor while I could. Humorous moments haven't been too frequent lately and it sure did feel good to laugh! Laughter truly is the best medicine!

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

The meltdowns continue

Today hubby and I had a really great start to the perfect day. He was off work and we had planned to go into town, grab some lunch and do some shopping. Everything was going well until I decided to get my hair cut. I don't know what I was thinking other than if I'm going to have this breast surgery and I'm going to have to go through chemo and radiation, I don't want to deal with having my hair coming out in big clumps. So...I thought I'd be proactive.

We were in the downtown area of a city fairly close to our home but we weren't familiar with any of the shopping centers there. We had to do some scouting around for a hair salon. The first few we went to were closed on Sunday, but we weren't giving up just yet. My husband is so sweet! He always offers to go the extra mile especially when he knows it will make me happy. We continued on with the help of the GPS and found an upscale salon that was open. Surely they'd be able to take a "walk in" and make me look stunning.

I went into the salon with high hopes but as I approached the receptionist's desk, I felt a flood of emotions welling up inside me and no matter how hard I tried to keep the dam of tears from bursting, I couldn't keep it together. Like a blubbering idiot, I tried to explain to the receptionist that I needed a haircut. I'm sure she wondered what kind of nut job had walked into their salon and I'm so thankful there were no other clients there at the time. I managed to calm down a little and told her that I had just recently been diagnosed with Breast Cancer and I wanted to get my hair cut short before my surgery and treatments. She looked at the computer and told me they were completely booked up. Without groveling, I asked her if there was anyone who could just do a wet cut...just a pixie...I'd be glad to dry it myself at home. No deal. She apologized profusely and I asked if she knew anywhere else I could go.As we walked to the car, I had a major meltdown. Hubby did his best to console me and after about twenty minutes, I was able to recompose myself.

On we drove and finally we arrived back in our home town. We were sitting in the car in front of the salon the receptionist had referred us to, I was hesitant to go in for fear of another melt down. Hubby encouraged me and off we went. The wait was just a few minutes and the stylist was very pleasant and kind. After asking me what type of cut I wanted, I explained my situation to her. I was thankful there were no tears this time. She was very understanding and we began to talk about what Cancer feels like...she'd found three lumps in her breast earlier in the week. I encouraged her to go see her doctor immediately.

I watched as she cut my hair. She took her time to make sure everything was symmetrical and even. She never hurried and made sure to ask me all throughout the cut if it was what I wanted. Inches of hair fell from my head as she continued around to the back. Oh my...look at all the gray hair under there! I was watching my face in the mirror and wondering to myself...is this the face of Cancer? I looked at my best features, my eyes and my smile and wanted to scream NO! I am not the face of Cancer. I will not be the face of Cancer.

She finished up the hair cut and pulled out some styling wax...wow my hair was short! Gingerly, she moved the warm wax through my hair pulling out sections to make it piece-y and trendy. "Oh go ahead and wreck it up!" I said, "I'm going to do that when I get home anyway. Put a little funk into it!" She smiled and did as I asked. Handing me the mirror, she spun the chair around so I could peek at the back. It was cute, but super short. All I could think was at least there won't be much to fall out when it comes time for chemo.

I paid her and thanked her as we walked out of the shop. Running my fingers through my super short crop, I wondered if I'd made the right decision. I love, love, love long hair and now mine was less than 2 inches long. I asked my husband if I looked like a man. He smiled and said, "no! You're beautiful...always have been...always will be." I asked him if he just said that because he knew that's what I needed to hear and he assured me that he hadn't. I sure do love that man! I think we're going to make it through this and I think we're going to be okay.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved