My husband's point of view

I'll never forget the day Bonnie called and told me she had Breast Cancer. I was at work. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I wanted to run. I wanted to get away. All I could think  about was finding a quiet place where I could be alone and just get on my knees and pray. The only place I could think of was the bathroom but that wasn't a good place to pray so I knelt down beside my work table and cried out to the Lord. I asked Him why this was happening to us. We had just moved into our new home and we had so many plans. God, are you trying to tell us something? My heart was breaking. I stayed down there as long as I could without getting into trouble at work and then I got up. The guy across from me had apparently seen me fall down on my knees and when I got up, he asked me what was wrong. My heart was breaking inside. I was so sad. I loved my wife so much and I didn't want to lose her. Tyrone, my coworker, told me that he was sorry to hear about my wife and that he would be praying for me. He told me to talk to him and just let it out. He said it was okay to cry and that it was understandable for me to be so upset. I was thankful he was there for me to talk to because he's my brother in Christ. It was so hard for me to continue working that day, but I knew I had to do it. On my way home from work, I continued to pray. I kept asking God why. I just didn't understand it.

When I got home from work, the first thing I saw when I came in the door was Bonnie coming out of our bedroom. I could tell she'd been crying. As soon as she saw me, she just about fell into my arms sobbing uncontrollably. I began to cry too. All I could do was hold her in my arms and tell her it was going to be okay, that we'd get through it. Even though I was saying those words, I knew in my heart that the only way we could get through it was to take one day at a time. I got on my knees in front of Bonnie and told her that no matter what, I would always love her. I asked her right there, on the floor of our walk in closet, if she would marry me again. We both cried and I just wanted to let her know that I'd love her no matter if she had breasts or not. She was my wife and I just wanted her to be alive and okay.

 I thought about my mother and how she had struggled with Breast Cancer. I knew how hard it was for her. I did not want Bonnie to have to go through the same thing. When Bonnie told me that she was going to have to have surgery, I was afraid. She told me that she was going to have both breasts removed and she'd probably have to have chemotherapy and radiation. I wished with all my heart that it wasn't true. She'd already been through so much in her life and now this.

I knew Bonnie needed to get away, so we went to the beach for a few days. While we were there, I tried to give her space to think about things. It was a time for both of us to just be still before the Lord. We had such peace while there and it was beautiful. We sat down on the beach one day and I was looking out at the ocean. Bonnie got up and walked over to the dunes behind me. She was barefooted and I glanced back to see her writing something in the sand with her toes. I didn't know what she was doing. Then she came up to the beach and in the wet sand wrote "bye bye Boobies" with a piece of driftwood. She stood there for a long time just looking at it. I sat in my chair and watched her. Soon the waves began to come up onto the shore and they started to get closer and closer to what she'd written. She stood there watching as each wave came closer and then, a big wave came and washed the letters away. When that happened, she had a look on her face that told me it was over.

 When we got back home, it wasn't long before we were planning her trip to Piedmont hospital in Fayetteville. The breast surgeon told us that she would be there overnight and possibly a couple of days if necessary. We had to be at the hospital early in the morning. I think we woke up at 4 a.m. to be there by 5:30 a.m. When we arrived at the hospital, they took Bonnie straight back and began hooking her up to IVs and doing all kinds of blood tests on her. I just stood there and watched. Jamie, Bonnie's daughter, and Jimmy, Bonnie's brother, came to the hospital early and got to see Bonnie before she was taken to surgery. I don't know how long Bonnie was in the operating room but it seemed like a long time. I know it was about 5 hours or more and then she went to recovery. I sat in the waiting room with several family members. There was a lot of chit chat between all of us but I couldn't focus on what they were saying too much. I just kept praying.

Finally, Bonnie got to come to her room. I was so sad when I saw her. She had IVs coming out of her and had drainage tubes coming out of her chest. She was in a good bit of pain. I didn't know what to do. She dozed off and on all day because of the morphine they were giving her but when she was awake, we laughed and talked. There was one nurses aide who was a big help to us. She did whatever Bonnie needed to be done. Every time Bonnie needed to get up to go to the bathroom, that lady helped. That night was a long one. I slept in the recliner in the room and it was so uncomfortable! I was too tall to fit in it so I tossed and turned all night. Bonnie didn't sleep well either. She was very uncomfortable. I was thankful when the doctor told us the next day that she could go home late that afternoon.

When we got home, I helped her get in bed and get comfortable. I think we had every pillow in the house piled up on her side of the bed! We were trying to make it so the pillows were a little mountain. It would help keep her propped up so the drains could work properly. With all those pillows in the bed, there wasn't much room for me! Bonnie kept worrying about me not having enough room. I just lay on my side and finally drifted off to sleep.

For the next week, I had to help Bonnie with the drainage bulbs in her chest. When I first saw them, it was so disgusting. I knew they had to hurt. I could see where they had made an incision in her side to place the drainage tubes. When I looked at her scars, it broke my heart. Just to see those two long cuts across her chest killed me. I was just thankful that she was alive. The scars didn't matter that much. I watched Bonnie get through those first few weeks and it was hard. She was in a lot of pain and struggled with many things. I did what I could to help but I just didn't really know what to do. Whatever she asked me to do, I did. Every day we had to put Vitamin E oil on the incisions. The first time I did it, it was really hard. As my hand slid along the incision where her breast used to be, I was sad. I thought to myself that I'd never get to see her breasts again. Even though I felt that way, I didn't tell her. All that mattered was that she was still here.

The incisions have healed up pretty good now but Bonnie's got a lot of swelling around her arm pits. She went to the doctor about it and they said it is Lymphedema. She has been going to a specialist in Fayetteville to have treatments done to help with that. They are going to get some compression sleeves and a compression top for her to wear.

We've been getting a lot of bills in the mail lately from the hospital, from labs, and from all sorts of medical places. I told Bonnie not to worry about going down to the mailbox to get the mail. I know she gets so worried and upset about all the medical bills we're receiving. When the bills come, I take them and put them away so she doesn't have to look at them. I'm having to call and make arrangements with the hospital to pay them. I'm working as much overtime as I can at work because I know we need the money. We have a lot of bills right now and it's hard because we didn't have any before this. We were in a good place. We had planned to have a good life.

Now Bonnie is having to go through radiation. She's getting tired from the treatments. I wish I could go with her each day but I don't have any more time off work. I know it's hard for her to drive herself. The doctor told her that her energy level will continue to go down as she keeps going through treatment. I try to help her do the housework but she tells me to let her do it while she still can. There are some things she can't do any more like lift heavy things or vacuum. I know she hates to ask me for help.

It has been so hard for me to watch my wife go through this. When you love someone, you don't ever want them to hurt. You wish you could take their pain away from them. All I can do is pray for her every day. I spend a lot of time praying. God is my best friend and I talk to him about everything. I know he hears my prayers and I'm asking him to let Bonnie and I have a long life together. It took me forever to find her and I don't want to lose her now.

©Phil Annis all rights reserved

The path

 

“Maybe I can get through this.”
“No, I don't think so, I'm too weak.”
“This is too big for me to do by myself, I can't possibly do this.”
“My plan did not include this.”
“How can this be?”
“Why would God let this happen to me?” 
“This will ruin everything.”
“I can’t do this.”
"I don't want to do this!"

Those are words I've thought to myself recently. With those kinds of words, our paths get lonely.  And scary.  And darker than the night. Terrifying, confusing, disorienting.

Sometimes we feel like we’ve been knocked out and we wake up to find that our path has become completely unrecognizable.  Getting back on our feet takes a long time and makes us feel resentful because of the time we lose picking ourselves up…time we could have spent making progress on the path.

We wonder what happened to the pleasant views…the sweet smells and soft breezes we’d enjoyed before.  Sometimes they become impossible to remember and we start to think there’s only ever been darkness on our path.

In those shadowy places, we are left to feel our way through the darkness.  Even though we’d rather stop…even though we can’t imagine what could possibly be in front of us, we move forward…and in the driving rain and the howling wind, we learn new things about ourselves. We learn new things about our God. We learn to close our eyes and get quiet and listen. We learn to trust the path.

Eventually we learn that every winding, twisting, dark, scary part of the path ends and relief is found. When we have passed that place and can look back, we see lessons we wouldn’t have learned, people we wouldn’t have met, experiences we come to treasure.

When we look back, we see compassion and love and gratitude and purpose that was waiting for us in the dark place. We learn that the path is leading us to Truth, and that Truth intends to see us through. We learn that our paths won’t be all sunshine and roses…they couldn’t be. But we also learn that they won’t be all darkness and fear. We become more and more okay with the twists and turns….more and more grateful for blue skies and views that take our breath away. And we walk on…rain or shine.

Just like manna in the wilderness,  we learn that God's grace is new every morning. He gives us a fresh supply because His grace can't be stored up and used tomorrow. His grace is sufficient for today, the Bible tells us. His grace is what carries along those difficult paths. His grace is what's carrying me. 

Most of you know that I love hiking! I love being out in the woods where it's quiet and peaceful and filled with beauty. One of my favorite places to hike is on the Appalachian trail. You can jump on the trail at different points in North Georgia and states along the eastern coast. The trails vary in intensity and difficulty. They wind along magnificent waterfalls and rocky crags. They twist and turn and fall. They are perfect places for introspection. I've learned a lot about myself on those trails. I've faced many fears there and I've also found both inner and physical strength along those trails. Around every turn there's something new to see. It might be a fern covered forest floor, a wildflower filled canyon, or a deep, dark cave. The woods are filled with wildlife and the interesting sounds of nature. To me, those paths are precious gems...hidden treasures, to be protected and preserved. 

Those paths are ones I've chosen to travel many times in the past. I've prepared for them...planned where to enter and where to exit...geared up and packed my bag. I looked forward to traversing them. But, unlike those paths I've anticipated, I've been struggling with the path I'm currently on. I didn't plan to ever take this path. This Cancer path has been full of stones and roots and steep places. I've tripped and fallen many times and I'm sure I'll do it again and again. There have been places along the path were I've become very fearful because I was unable to see around the next bend. Sometimes the darkness has been overpowering. But as I walk on, placing one foot in front of the other, I trust God's grace to be sufficient. Just like the manna, I have to be willing to go out and gather enough for today's journey. I can't store up grace for tomorrow. So today, I woke up early. I had grace to gather. I have a difficult path today and I'm going to need it. 

Although I don't know what today holds, I'm determined to walk on. Yes, I may get tired along the way and if I do, I'm going to stop and rest. I might even need to pull out my walking sticks for extra support, but I'm going to do it. Right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot...I press on.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

The Old Gray Mare Just Ain't What She Used to Be

"A New Normal," that's what all the books on Breast Cancer recommend survivors embrace. But what is the "new normal?" The best way I explain it to you is to use my husband as an example. Many years ago, when Phil and I first got married, he'd spend hours upon hours sitting at a little card table patiently putting jigsaw puzzles together. He'd often invite me to join him, but I've never had the patience to sit down and mull over puzzle pieces. I was amazed that he could take 5000 or more puzzle pieces, dump them into the center of the table, and a few hours later have a beautifully, completed puzzle. Once I watched him as he stood back to look at a 3D puzzle he'd completed of the Eiffel Tower. It had taken him almost a week to complete, and after only looking at it for a few minutes, he gingerly broke it apart, and slipped it back into the box. I wanted to scream at him..."what are you doing??? You just worked on that thing for days and days! How can you just tear it apart?" but I didn't. Apparently, this is the way puzzle people work. They create a problem, analyze it, fix it, and then tear it apart. It surely didn't seem normal to me, but to him, that's just the way it was...it was normal to look at puzzles that way.

When I was first diagnosed with Cancer, I was presented with a huge problem. Doctors in several different fields helped me understand and analyze it. They performed all sorts of tests and scans. They met weekly to discuss how they were going to treat it and then started in on "fixing" me.

Right now, I'm in the beginning of the "fixing" stage. I've just begun radiation treatments. To date, I've had 3 treatments and by the time you finish reading this post, I'll have had my fourth treatment. The plan is for me to have 35 treatments in total. I'm relating those treatments to pieces of the big puzzle...Cancer decimation.

My old normal consisted of days filled with activity and fun. I'd usually wake up, make the bed, get dressed, eat breakfast, do some sort of hobby I enjoyed, run errands, work around the house, do yardwork, and things like that. I stayed busy all day long. I enjoyed being busy! I didn't slow down until it was time for bed. But now, in my "new normal," things have drastically changed. It's as if the puzzle of my life has been shattered, and the pieces lie all over the floor. Daily, I'm picking up one piece at a time and trying to fit it back together with the other pieces to form the perfect picture of my life again; only this time, the pieces don't quite fit any more. Some of the pieces are warped and bent. Others are missing.

One of the most important pieces of the puzzle of my life has been energy. I've always loved having an abundance of energy! Even though I've gotten older, I've worked hard to keep my energy level up by exercising and doing things to keep my mind working at peak performance. I was always going, always doing, always moving. Now, I'm realizing I just can't do that any more.

Yesterday, after my radiation treatment, I felt fairly good so I decided when I got home I'd walk on the treadmill. I usually walk 3 miles a day at a 3.5 mph pace. That's a pretty good, brisk pace for a daily morning walk and I would always vary the incline so I'd get a good workout. Since I hadn't walked for about 8 weeks (due to surgery and recovery), I thought it was high time that I get going again. I was determined to fit the piece of exercise into my life puzzle. I got on the treadmill and did a 5 minute warm up...so far, so good! I bumped up the speed and incline and began walking more rapidly. I did fine for about 15 minutes, but then realized something wasn't right. I was feeling physically exhausted. I did not like this feeling, but decided to press on. I continued working out for about 30 minutes but after that time, I could do no more. The song, "The Old Gray Mare Just Ain't What She Used to Be" popped into my head. The reality of my "new normal" was upon me. I'm thankful the doctors warned me before I began treatment that I could expect to experience extreme fatigue. Although my puzzle piece of energy was damaged, I hadn't totally lost it yet. I was determined to hang onto it.

Later in the day, I walked down to the mailbox. We have a pretty long, fairly steep driveway. I had no problems going downhill, but as I began the ascent up to the house, I found myself huffing and puffing. I'd never experienced this before. I could only attribute it to the radiation. The doctor had warned that my right lung would be receiving some of the radiation beams and could affect my breathing...another puzzle piece...breathing. The edges of this piece were currently frayed. I could only hope it wouldn't get more damaged as time went on.

In the days ahead, I know more and more puzzle pieces will fall to the floor. Sometimes I will need help gathering them up and fitting them back into my life puzzle. They probably won't fit perfectly, although the picture will more than likely still be recognizable, it won't be normal. The "new normal" will take some getting used to and will take time. Just as Phil has always been so patient while working on his jigsaw puzzles; I'm going to have to learn to be patient with myself. Instead of beginning at the edges of the puzzle and fitting all the corners together; I might just start in the center. The old gray mare definitely is not what she used to be, but at least she's still kicking! As I learn to accept my "new normal," I'm so thankful I see the puzzle piece of stubbornness lying right next to me. I think I'll keep that one in my pocket for safekeeping!

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Snakes and angels

The Albino Cobra loose in a California neighborhood

This morning, on the news, I watched a segment about an albino cobra that was loose in a California neighborhood. An animal control officer said authorities believe the cobra was likely smuggled into the country and belongs to a resident who has been known to keep exotic animals, like snakes, birds and turtles, in a rented house. The cobra, while beautiful, was also very deadly. For some reason, thinking about that cobra prompted me to remember a verse in the Bible.

^"11 For He will give His angels [especial] charge over you to accompany and defend and preserve you in all your ways [of obedience and service].

¹² They shall bear you up on their hands, lest you dash your foot against a stone.

¹³ You shall tread upon the lion and cobra; the young lion and the serpent shall you trample underfoot." Psalm 91:11-13Amplified Bible (AMP)

Some people don't believe in angels and some people worship angels.While God doesn't want us to worship angels, He does want us to believe they exist. You don't have to see an angel to know they're real. In my life, I've had several encounters with angels. Each of these encounters came during a time where I was either very ill or in desperate need of help. 

In 1970, I was lying in the hospital after just having had my gallbladder removed. I was a very sick thirteen year old. It wasn't normal for a person that young to have gallbladder problems and through a serious of strange circumstances, my gastroenterologist had discovered the problem in the nick of time. While on the operating table, my gallbladder burst allowing poisonous gangrene to spread through my body. The doctor worked quickly to remove the diseased organ from my body and get me on strong antibiotics to save my life. One night, as I lay in the hospital, I was extremely weak and sweating profusely. I felt so badly, I just knew I was going to die. I remember seeing an angel all dressed in white hovering at the foot of my bed. I thought I was hallucinating but I wasn't afraid. I never heard the angel speak audibly to me, but I knew in my heart that everything was going to be okay and that I was going to get better. The next morning, I told my mother about the incident and she just smiled.

In 1991, I was involved in a serious car accident where my right leg was crushed from the knee down. I remember being in my car driving on a two lane road in Gainesville. I had the radio on and was headed home from running an errand in town. The sky grew dark and it began to mist rain. All of a sudden, time seemed to shift into slow motion as I saw a large white pickup truck flying through the air headed straight for me. Amazingly, I wasn't afraid. I remember closing my eyes and calling out the name, "Jesus." When I awoke, there were firemen and medical emergency staff all around my car as they worked to get me out. I was told that it was a miracle I hadn't been killed. I knew it was because angels had guided that truck into a position where only the left front and side of my car were damaged. They had given me the peace to know that even if I'd been killed, it would have been okay. 

I could share experience after experience where God has used angels to help meet needs in my life but they are too numerous to recount here. During great times of grief, they've been there to hold me up. During times I've needed protection, they've been with me. Sometimes, God's allowed me to see angels in the sweet faces of strangers. Those angels unawares have impacted my life in small but profound ways. 

When I found out I had cancer, God allowed a special angel to minister to me. This angel had a name and her name was Alma. She worked for my gynecologist's office and yes, she was an angel with "skin on." Alma took it upon herself to call me at various times during the first week of my tragic news. She offered words of comfort and hope. While I know Alma was human, I still consider her an angel. God knew I needed someone to minister to me. He knew I was feeling hopeless and destitute. I'm sure He prompted Alma to share His love with me and I'll always be grateful for her obedience.

Countless times, angels have protected me from terrible traffic accidents. They've protected us from flying debris on the expressway. They've shielded us from dangers both seen and unseen.  If you think about it, I'm sure you've experienced your own angel encounters. Perhaps you've met an angel unaware, perhaps not. Angels are everywhere. The Bible eludes to the fact that each of us has our very own guardian angel. You may be aware of an angel's presence or you may not. In any event, God's angels are His messengers, His ministering spirits, and His servants. They do exactly as He bids them do. We are never supposed to worship angels. Only God deserves our worship and praise, but I am so thankful that He uses angels to minister to me at times I need them most. Billy Graham in his book, Angels, Angels, Angels says, "But the Bible does tell us that for the believer nothing happens outside God’s control–and yes, if we know Christ, His angels continually watch over us." 

I'm sure the people in the Thousand Oaks subdivision in California are on edge because of that albino cobra. I'm sure they'll be very thankful when he's captured and taken away from their homes and families. But I am thankful that seeing him on the television this morning prompted me to remember God's faithfulness and love. I'm also thankful that God has armies of angels ready to dispatch at His command.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

My Prayer: 
Heavenly Father, just knowing that your ministering angels protect Your children gives me security as I travel through dangers seen and unseen. I appreciate how You reveal Your truths to me through circumstances and situations that I can't always explain. I know You're using those times to teach me Your truths. You have confirmed in many situations that angels work on my behalf, doing Your perfect will in my life as well as in the universe. Thank you for dispatching Your angels to protect and guide me. Amen. 


"See, I am sending an angel before you, to guard you on the way and bring you to the place I have prepared. Exodus 23:20 

The angel of the LORD, who encamps with them, delivers all who fear God. Psalm 34:7
Are they not all ministering spirits sent to serve, for the sake of those who are to inherit salvation? Hebrews 1:14

^"11 For He will give His angels [especial] charge over you to accompany and defend and preserve you in all your ways [of obedience and service].

¹² They shall bear you up on their hands, lest you dash your foot against a stone.

¹³ You shall tread upon the lion and cobra; the young lion and the serpent shall you trample underfoot." 
Psalm 91:11-13 Amplified Bible (AMP)

How you can help

A wise older woman, in a church we attended many years ago, gave me a piece of sage advice. We were discussing helping others when she told I must always be careful not to "rob people of a blessing." When I asked what she meant, she explained that often times God puts it on someone's heart to help in times of need. He may want to bless the giver more than the receiver. Sometimes, He wants to use someone to meet a specific prayer request or need. The help may come in practical forms like running errands, doing housework, or grocery shopping. Other times, it may come in the form of monetary blessing like the purchase of a gift card or a meal, offering to buy groceries, or help with a bill. She admonished me not to "let pride get in the way."

You might think this would be an easy lesson to learn but it hasn't been. Pride has a way of thwarting good intentions. I think God is still working on me in this area. In light of this, many of my friends and family want to know how they can help me during this time. Here are some ways you can help if you feel led to do so:  

1. Pray! The most wonderful gift you can give to me and my family is prayer. There are so many things to pray for during treatment and recovery. Pray for the doctors to have wisdom as they administer radiation, pray for my skin not to become damaged and burn, pray for the swelling in my upper arm area to diminish, pray for Phil as he works long hours to provide for us, pray for my children as they each struggle to deal with my cancer diagnosis, pray for finances to meet mounting medical bills, and pray that I would learn the valuable lessons God wants to teach me during this time. 

2. Be understanding - sometimes I may not feel up to talking with you on the phone. It doesn't mean I am ignoring you or don't care about you, it means I'm emotionally or physically drained and just can't handle it. In those times, please say an extra prayer for me asking God to supply His strength in my weakness.

3. Stay in touch - send cards, letters, emails, texts, leave voice messages, and call when you can. Just knowing you're out there helps me get through this. Sometimes I feel so alone and lonely.

4. Give a gift - if you feel led to bless us, one of the most practical ways you could help is to make a meal or send a gift card to a local restaurant. There are times when I am so tired, I just don't feel like standing at the stove and cooking. You might not be in a position to send a gift card, perhaps you'd rather send a book or something you've made. Little ways of showing your love mean so much to us.

5. Share your time -  There's nothing like a visit with a good friend! If you'd like to come by to visit, call ahead and let's set up a day and time.

6. Read my blog - it's an easy way to stay in tune with what's going on in my life. You may receive a quick devotional or you may step right into my heart as you travel this cancer road along with me.

Those are just a few simple ways you can help! I'll try really hard not to "rob you of a blessing," but it won't be easy. If you need my mailing address, you can request it by sending me an email:
bonnieannis@gmail.com

Thank you from the bottom of my heart,
Bonnie

PTSD

Today was my first radiation treatment. I watched the clock all morning until time to leave for my appointment. I hadn't thought I'd be nervous but I was... It's strange how my range of emotions has changed since my diagnosis. I'm usually pretty calm and easy going. I noticed this wasn't the case today. One of my children called to talk to me as she drove to work. We were having a pleasant conversation and then she cut me off in the middle of a sentence. Normally, it wouldn't have been a big deal. I would have just skipped over the incident and continued on with my conversation but this time, I said something. I mentioned to her that she had been very rude by not allowing me to finish my sentence. Of course, she apologized and asked me what I had wanted to say. At that point, I didn't want to revisit that part of our conversation, so I just clammed up. I guess I was on edge about going for treatment. There was no other logical explanation.

I arrived at the radiation treatment facility about thirty minutes early. In the waiting room, I sat and listened to others having conversations. I was surprised to smell cigarette smoke on someone in the midst of people waiting to have treatment for Cancer. I was irritated! Some people just don't get it. A thin, obviously very ill man walked into the waiting room as he coughed and hacked. I knew that chest rattle well. He reeked of cigarette smoke and the smell made me nauseous. There's another one, I thought to myself. If only they understood. They have power to better their odds of living by quitting their nicotine habit. I moved to the other side of the room. I can't stand to smell cigarette smoke any more. Since my father died of lung cancer, even the slightest smell of a cigarette brings back bad memories.

Engrossed in a magazine, I didn't hear my name when it was called. The woman beside me asked if I were Mrs. Annis. I politely smiled at her and got up to go with the waiting nurse. She led me to the dressing area and told me to remove everything from the waist up and put on the gown. When I was ready, she took me into the radiation room.

Inside the radiation room were two radiology technicians. They assisted me in getting onto the narrow table and got me situated into my personal foam mold. They had draped a sheet over the mold to facilitate repositioning me. The lights were dimmed and the machine was brought over my chest. I was pulled and pushed into the perfect position as one tech grabbed the sheet on one side of me and the other tech was opposite her. Once I was correctly aligned underneath the laser beams, several xrays were taken and then one of the techs came over and said, "okay now, your first treatment will begin. We're going to place a warm, wet towel over your chest and the radiation beams will pass through this. This is called bolus. It can be applied to the skin to alter the dose received both at depth in the tissue and on the skin surface. It is used often for post-mastectomy chest wall treatment, to increase the skin dose. You won't feel anything other than the towel's wetness and weight. You'll hear a whirring and some clicking, but other than that, you won't feel or see anything."

The radiology techs walked out of the room but assured me they could see and hear me. If I needed anything at all, I was to call out to them. The machine began to whirr and move around my body. I was told to remain completely still at all times. My arms were hurting as they were stretched above my head for the treatment. I made a mental note to myself to work on some stretching exercises to help loosen up that skin and tissue in the days ahead. Fifteen minutes later, I was done and the techs were helping me up off the table.

The nurse was waiting for me at the door and took me to the scale. As I stepped up, she said, "now don't be going on a diet or anything for the next several weeks. We don't want you losing any weight. Your body is going to get weaker in the days ahead and you will need all your strength." Wow. That's the first time I've ever had a doctor's office tell me NOT to worry about losing weight!

We went into an exam room and the doctor came in to talk with me. She asked how I was feeling and explained that every Monday I would meet with both she and the nurse. They would check my general health but also closely monitor my skin. She explained that they would also watch my right rib, lung, and my liver because the radiation could cause some definite changes. One of the main things they were concerned about was damage to my right lung. She explained that they would also be targeting lymph nodes in my neck and shoulder area and may even go up into my throat. This could cause some changes in my vocal abilities. I sat there and listened intently, trying to remember everything she'd said. As we wrapped up our conversation, she handed me a prescription for Radiaplex, a special type of gel that would need to be applied 3 times a day to the radiated area.

On my way home, I was emotionally numb. It had been a lot to process although I hadn't experienced any physical pain. My cell phone was buzzing with messages coming in and there were several missed calls and Facebook messages. While I'm thankful to have so many people who love and care about me, I just didn't feel like rehashing the events of the day over and over again. I turned it on silent and slipped it back into my purse.

I looked at the clock when I got home. It was 12:30 p.m. and I realized I hadn't had lunch yet. As I was preparing my lunch, the house phone rang and just a few minutes later, my cell phone was ringing. Oh my goodness! "Can't people just leave me alone for a little while?" I thought. I am not used to having sensory overload... I realized at the moment that I was suffering from PTSD, (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), a very common occurrence after Breast Cancer. Medical dictionaries describe it as an anxiety disorder that can be brought on by a traumatic event. Symptoms include:

• nightmares or flashbacks about the cancer experience (yes)
• continuously focusing on the cancer experience (yes)
• avoiding people, places, and events that remind you of the experience (yes)
• trouble sleeping (yes)
• extreme irritableness (yes)
• intense feelings of fear (yes)
• being overly excitable (yes)
• feeling helpless or hopeless (yes)
• shame or guilty feelings (yes)
• bouts of crying (yes)
• feeling emotionally numb (yes)
• sadness or depression (yes)
• loss of appetite
• trouble maintaining personal relationships (yes)
• self-destructive behavior (alcohol or drug abuse, for example)
• memory problems (yes)
• concentration problems (yes)
• being startled or frightened easily (yes)
• getting no joy from activities you used to enjoy (yes)
• hallucinations

Now it made a little more sense. I wasn't going to be so hard on myself any longer. I had a legitimate excuse. Cancer had totally changed my life and now it was altering my personality. I don't like feeling this way and I'm going to ask God to help me overcome these feelings. I'll also talk to my doctor about them at my next appointment. But for right now, for self preservation, I hope my friends and family will understand that I just don't want to go over and over details. I'm working on processing things in my own head. I love all of my family and friends dearly but I just can't handle the extra mental anguish right now. I just need some time and a little bit of space. I'll be okay, it's just going to take a little time.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

A new attitude

Last night, I tossed and turned all night long. No matter what I tried, I just couldn't get comfortable. Although my incisions have healed fairly well on the outside, the muscles and tissues on the inside are still in the process of healing. Turning my body in certain ways causes extreme pain and tenderness. It's not easy to learn to sleep on your back when you've always been a side sleeper!

After a fitful night's sleep, I woke up around 4:00 a.m. I reached over and felt to see if Phil was still in bed and was surprised to find him there. It wasn't quite time for him to get up and go to work. He moved a little and rolled over going back to sleep. Although I was wide awake, I just lay there in the darkness thinking.

I must have dozed off shortly afterwards because when I woke up and looked at the clock again, it was 5:30 a.m. I got up and walked into the living room expecting to see Phil sitting there reading his Bible as he did every morning, but he'd already left for work. I picked up my Bible from the table beside my recliner and went back into the bedroom. Early morning devotions have always been routine for me and this morning was no different. I read several passages of Scripture, had my devotion and spent time in prayer. When I was done, I got up and got dressed.

I proceeded to make the bed and opened the blinds to allow the early morning light to filter into the bedroom. I love watching the sun come up! When I opened the blinds, a stream of light fell onto our bill basket. Phil always tries to keep it out of my sight because he knows I worry when I see the ever growing stack of bills. I picked up the basket and started going through the bills looking at due dates. Several of them needed immediate attention. I noticed the car insurance bill was past due. Quickly, I shot off a text message to Phil asking him to contact the insurance company and make arrangements to pay it. His response, "don't worry...be happy." Phil's always been one not to stress over things he can't control. I took the basket of bills and laid my hands over them asking God to please provide a way for us to pay them. Although Phil is constantly telling me not to worry about them, I find it difficult to leave them alone.

By this time of the morning, I was getting hungry so I went into the kitchen to fix breakfast. Sitting down at the table, I enjoyed my bowl of cottage cheese with pineapple while reviewing instructions from the radiologist on my first treatment. There were detailed instructions on what to do to keep my skin moisturized and helpful tips on things to do in order to minimize radiation burns. A long list of side effects was also listed but I tried not to pay attention to those.

As I sat there reading over medical information, it was as if a light bulb went off in my head....I needed to change my attitude! Instead of focusing on the negative things, I needed to focus on the positive things. Yes, I'd had a fitful night's sleep and was exhausted, but I did have a nice, cozy bed to sleep in and a comfortable, safe home. Yes, we had a huge stack of medical bills that we couldn't pay right now but that meant I was being able to receive treatment for my cancer. Yes, Phil was working 10 hour days, 6 days a week, but that meant he had a job and God was providing for our needs. When I began to see things in a more positive light, all of the negative things seemed to slip away. Phil's text message was still on my phone so I looked at it once again- "don't worry....be happy!"

I felt God speaking to my heart and saying, "my child, this is what I've wanted you to understand all along. There's no need to worry! I have everything under control. Be still and rest in me." With tear filled eyes, I picked up my cell phone intending to read Phil's text one more time, instead, my eyes focused on the Scripture verse for the day, Psalm 46:10, "Be still and know that I am God." It was no coincidence that God allowed me to see that verse at the exact moment I did. He was reiterating what He'd spoken to my heart a few minutes earlier. Sitting in my kitchen, I pondered all God had given me this morning. Indeed I needed a new attitude. I was determined to eliminate the negative and accentuate the positive. From this point forward, I'm going to choose not to worry. I'm going to take Phil's sage advice and just be happy. I'm alive and fighting to continue living. God is good. My husband is hardworking, loving, and kind. It's a beautiful new day and everything's going to be all right, I'm sure of it!

©bonnie annis all rights reserved