From the very moment I heard the words come through the phone receiver, I felt weak in the knees. I couldn't believe my ears as the radiologist said, "I'm sorry to report that you have Cancer." I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs and say, "WHAT DID YOU SAY, CAN YOU REPEAT THAT???" but I didn't. I stood there, in the middle of my living room, all alone, in total silence. I tried the best I could to comprehend what my brain had just received.
It took a little while for me to process. I mulled it over in my mind and thought what I'm sure thousands of women before me have thought...no, not me. Why me? Are they sure? How will I tell my husband? How will I tell the kids? All of those probing, deafening questions pounded my brain and I'm sure I didn't handle them well. In fact, I know I didn't. How would you like to receive a text message that just says "I've got Cancer?" Well, that's exactly what my kids got...a simple but profound statement. I couldn't handle anything more at the time. I knew I needed to tell them face to face but they're all scattered and getting them all together would have been a struggle. I sent a text to my husband as well. He was at work when I got the news and I needed him to know right away. He can't use the phone during work hours so I texted. How cold and callous is that? I guess I could have waited until he got home from work and sat him down and cried and said "honey, our future is about to change. I've just received devastating news..." No. I'm a spur of the moment type of person. I love technology and I wanted to get the word out as quickly as possible. I didn't think how they might react. I wasn't trying to be selfish, I just was trying to be real.
I did the same thing with my Facebook friends. I posted an announcement of sorts letting them all know my dreadful news. I decided selfishly that it would be easier to send out a blanket statement instead of getting in touch with them one by one. It worked. The people who care about me read my post and immediately started to correspond with me. As each message of love and support came through, I tried to respond with more detail.
I just re-read all of my blog posts to date. Wow, I was impressed. They sounded so "together" and so strong. They sounded a little too good to be true, even to me. That's why I want to start over. I want to begin at the beginning. I want to take you on this journey with me as if you're right here beside me. I want you to feel like we're best friends and that we have been best friends for a long, long time. I want to be open and honest with you. I want to cry when I need to and I want you to be the shoulder I cry on. I want to be angry when I feel like it and I want to slam my fist into the wall as I see the startled look on your face. I don't intend to scare you, I just want you to experience the rawness of Cancer. I want you to see and feel what it does to someone who gets it.
It won't be pretty, I can almost guarantee you that. I'm sure some days will be better than others and on the good days, I'll be cheerful and happy and upbeat. I'll focus on what God's doing in my life and how much I'm learning to lean on Him. On the bad days, I might be sad, lonely, or depressed. I might get angry (although I don't usually do that), but I just might. I'll still try to focus on what God's doing but I may have more questions for Him than not.
So let me continue and get you back up to speed. So after I texted my family members and let them know I had Cancer, and after I posted on Facebook that I had Cancer, I went into my bathroom and cried. I cried so hard that I couldn't breathe. After I calmed down a little, I went into my office and decided to write a few emails, but as I sat at my computer, all I could think about was CANCER. I slid out of the chair and onto the floor. I lay there crying and praying all at the same time. I asked God why I had Cancer...had I done something to cause it? Had I eaten the wrong foods, had I said or done something in my life to deserve this but I knew that God didn't really work that way. I also asked God if it was an answer to a prayer that I had prayed a while back asking Him to restore my extended family and to do whatever it took to make that happen...but He didn't answer. The only thing I heard was silence.
I lay there for a long time. I don't remember how long I lay there but I was tired of crying. So I decided to get up and then something came over me. It was God's peace. I didn't hear an actual voice, but I felt Him speaking to my heart and saying that the reason I got Cancer was for His glory...that's it....just for His glory. I know that sounds so weird to say but it's the truth. I don't understand it any more than you do, but for whatever reason, God's chosen to allow me to have Cancer.
On the way to meet with the surgeon the next day, I got a call from their office. They said the doctor was delayed and that I should wait and come an hour later. I was already on my way, so I kept driving and just decided I'd read a book while waiting in the waiting room. I waited 2 hours for the doctor to arrive and then waited another 30 minutes in the examining room. When she finally came in, she did a quick breast exam and told me that she had to run into the room next door to drain a cyst for another patient. I was a little peaved that she was leaving me after I'd waited so long but I'm a pretty patient person so I waited again. When she came back in, she sat down and talked to me. She talked to me for over 2 hours. She drew diagrams and charts, explained terminology and asked if I had any questions. She answered all of my questions and by the time we were through, I felt like I had a new friend. She was young, 38, and had been doing breast surgeries for 6 years. She had 2 little boys and a wonderful husband. She was funny and caring and attentive. I felt good knowing that she would be doing my surgery.
I drove home and on the way, I thought about everything we'd discussed. I wanted to be sure I kept all the details in order so I could share them with my husband when he came home from work. I had been told that I'd get a call with a surgery date in a day or two.
After supper, I sat with my husband and we cried together. We cried because we don't know what the days ahead will hold. We reaffirmed our love for one another. We remembered our vows "for better or worse, in sickness and in health...til death do us part." We never dreamed that it might come so soon in our lives.
The phone still hasn't rung. No surgery date has been set but I'm expecting that call to come this afternoon. I'm certainly not looking forward to it. I'm scared to death to pick up the phone when I see the doctor's office on the caller ID. But I will answer it because I'm a planner and I have to plan. I have to figure out a way to fit this surgery into my life.
I just got a Facebook message from a new friend I've made because of Breast Cancer. She's the one who's encouraged me to be real. You see, several years ago, she was given the same exact diagnosis that I received. She's now in the end stages of Cancer...stage 4. She knows that unless God chooses to do an amazing miracle in her life that she's going to die of this disease. She told me that we're not warriors and that we're not in a battle. She said we're just women survivors of a horrible disease. I have used the analogy of war and warriors in my previous blog posts but out of respect for her, I won't do that any longer. She's right you know...we're just women surviving. Cancer just makes things a little more complicated.
Breast Cancer is an unwelcomed guest. It barges into your life without knocking. It storms into your house and raids the refrigerator, smears muddy footprints on your carpet and reeks havoc while you hide behind the counter. It toys with your emotions and wraps tentacles of anguish tightly around you squeezing the air from your lungs. It confuses you, jeers at you and mocks you. It is evil and I hate it.
Do you have a small taste of what Cancer feels like? I hope you do. I hope you never have to experience it first hand. I hope you never have anyone in your family go through it either. I do hope you can get a tiny glimmer of what the world of a Cancer patient is really like and if you think this is difficult, just wait...there's more coming.
© Bonnie Annis all rights reserved
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