That, my dears, is the story of my life right now. I feel I have the right to my tears and occasional questions and feelings of "why me." Some people, who shall remain nameless, have been critical of my blog posts and haven't "understood where I'm coming from." That was especially the case with yesterday's post. I took a huge risk sharing my own personal struggle with intimacy. It wasn't easy for me to bare my soul like that and truth be told, I probably won't ever share anything like that again. I wanted to do it hoping it would help someone, somewhere out there in the "blogosphere" know that they aren't alone in what they're feeling.
To take verbiage from an old Native American saying, "Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his moccasins." It might be easy for my readers to become judgmental thinking that as a Christian, I should be stronger in my faith. I should be able to lean completely on God and not question why He's allowed me to travel this Cancer road. Some of you might even think I'm whining and complaining too much...that I should be grateful to be alive...that I should just "suck it up" and move on. Those are easy viewpoints for you to take because, you aren't the one experiencing the entirety of this journey. You are only getting to see/feel/understand what I share with you and even with that, if I don't word things well, you might not get a clear viewpoint. Goodness, even Job had some days of questioning and complaining back in Biblical times,didn't he?
I am trying my best through this blog, to help others get an honest to goodness look at what Cancer has done to my life. It is an interloper...an uninvited guest that I am having to learn to accommodate although I would rather not have to do that. For those of you who know me well, you know that my faith has carried me through every challenge I've ever faced in my entire life. I have been through some deep, deep valleys and I've been on some extremely tall mountain peaks. I've learned through every experience that I have never been alone...that God has always been with me. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is with me even now and that He has allowed me to travel this road for some reason.Yes, there are days when I am not as "spiritual" as I should be. I'll admit that. I'll admit that some days I walk in the flesh. On days when the pain is great, I might just whine a little, but I think God understands that. He knows that our bodies are weak. In fact, I think He receives glory and honor when we admit our weaknesses and rely on Him for our strength. So please don't think negatively of me when my weakness is showing.
There are no instructions on how to "do Cancer." In fact, I'm willing to bet that anyone you ask will tell you that they've had to learn to get through it the best way they can. There's a lot of trial and error. Of course, we (the pink sisterhood), often compare notes and try to glean helpful hints and tips from the experiences of others, but every case is vastly different. I'm not going to apologize for baring my soul and sharing my feelings. This is my blog and what I write is cathartic and healing for me. If my words offend someone, they are perfectly free to stop visiting my blog and cease from reading my words. This is my journey. I've just invited you along if you'd like to join me. I'm doing the best I can and taking one day at a time.
Perhaps it would help for those critical readers to put themselves in my place for a day. Perhaps then they would understand how it truly feels to experience the full effects of Cancer. This blog is not for the faint of heart or the weak of stomach. I'm not going to sugar coat anything to make it more palatable for my readers. Cancer is ugly. I do not take pride in being able to say that I have it. One thing that I want you to remember is that even though I have Cancer growing inside my body, it does not define who I am. I am a daughter, a wife, a mother, a grandmother, a Gigi. I have real feelings, hopes, and dreams. I love and am loved. I cherish my life. I love God with all my heart and soul. And this is why I refer back to the lyrics of the song, "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to." Some days I will be crying. Some days I will be sad. More often than not though, I'll be happy and optimistic and full of hope because that's the kind of life a Christ follower lives. My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus and His righteousness. So naysayers...move on. Go find another blog to read. I'm flying by the seat of my pants but at least I'm flying...
©bonnie annis all rights reserved
YES, It is your 'party' and you can cry or write anything you want! Keep it up. I am sure that our honesty is helping others. This is such a scary disease, and there is no way to do it.....we figure it out as we go, to the best of our ability. It helps to know what to expect and what others have gone through and read how we handle it....good or bad. Keep it up and God Bless your day!
ReplyDeleteDon't give up. I see your deep faith in the articles you write. You are right. Until you have been through what the other person is experiencing, you should not judge or criticize. If your commenters don't like what you write, they can always not read it. There is always a place where you can click on "unsubscribe", and let those of us who wish to read it, do so. I am amazed at your great faith, and yes, we all question God at some time, and He expects it. Keep on doing what you are doing. God bless you. (Sarah Stainback)
ReplyDeleteI am going to quote Goldie now, "You go girl!" Keep writing. This blog is one way you have of expressing your fears and concerns. Sometimes just expressing yourself releases the pent up stress that could hinder your full healing. You are not on your journey alone although some of the feelings you are experiencing are yours and yours alone. We can't fully understand the fear and anxiety you feel. Although you write very beautifully, there is still the part about walking a mile in someone elses shoes. Much love, Karen G
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