Less of it to waste...indeed. Why should it take a serious illness or disease to really shake us to the core? Why does it often take a tragedy to make us realize how precious life really is? Why do we take life so for granted? When you go to bed at night, do you just assume you're going to wake up in the morning? Do you ever think about the possibility that you may not? We are never guaranteed tomorrow. Cancer helps you understand that concept. It causes you to re-evaluate even the most mundane things in life. Cancer forces you to focus.
One of my favorite hobbies is photography. Wherever I go, I have my camera with me. It's a constant companion, a way to memorialize special moments in my life. I love looking at things with a photographer's eye. Everywhere I turn, there's an opportunity to capture something new. A photographer sees things in ways that others often miss and that's because we're used to looking through the lens in order to frame the perfect shot. We know our subject. We frame it and spend time making sure the lighting is perfect. We adjust the shutter speed and the aperture until we achieve the desired effect. We focus.
Looking through the lens of cancer has caused me to change my perspective on a lot of things. Things that used to matter no longer hold importance to me and things that never mattered are now extremely important. Time is one of those things. I've always focused on time. I've always worn a watch. I've always been on time, in fact, I've always made a point to even be a little bit early. I don't like to be late. Since finding out I have cancer, I don't wear a watch any longer. I don't want to focus on the time. I want to treasure each second of every single day. My husband laughs at me when I ask him now what day of the week it is because I never look at the calendar either. Those things just don't matter any more.
One thing that does matter to me is my relationship with people. I find myself wanting to just sit and talk for hours. I want to look into their eyes and study their faces. I want to watch their mannerisms and read their body language. I just want to spend time with them. I'll admit I didn't use to be that way. I used to be in a hurry all the time. When someone was speaking to me, I was half listening...you know, hearing every other word they said while at the same time thinking about what I needed to do in the next few minutes...that kind of listening. I was really good at zoning out while they were talking to me. I could be looking someone straight in the face and occasionally nodding my head but not have a clue what they'd said to me...and all because I wasn't listening. I was too interested in my own agenda. Not any more. Life is precious and short and fleeting. I feel like I have to capture every frame of their lives in my memory.
It shouldn't take a serious illness to cause us to realize how very precious life is but sometimes it just does. I'm glad I have this chance to re-evaluate my life. I'm glad I have cancer to thank for prodding me in this direction. My eyes are wide open and I'm ready to see. I want to capture each moment, compose the perfect shot. But these photographs won't be digitally mastered, they'll be safely stored in the recesses of my mind and in the depths of my heart. Some things are only meant for the eye to see. Some things are only meant to be treasured in the heart. The lives of those I love will be stored there forever. I am thankful I have a second chance. Life is precious and I don't want to waste a single minute of it.
©bonnie annis all rights reserved
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