Day 4, so far so good

Today is the fourth day I've been on Aromasin and so far, knock on wood, I haven't noticed any side effects whatsoever! This is great news and I'm hoping it will last. I've been dreading side effects because Aromasin has some pretty severe ones associated with it.

When I first decided to take the medication, I looked up all of the side effects. The ones that scared me the most were hair loss and bone fractures. Isn't that funny to think I'd be afraid of hair loss? But I am. I don't think I'd look good without hair. Some people have great face shapes and look beautiful even with bald, shiny heads but I wouldn't be one of those. I have a very round face and my head would look like a big, giant melon. To top it off, my hair has just finally reached shoulder length. It has taken me from June of 2014 to get it here. I like my hair and want to keep it, but I have been noticing several loose hairs on the shower floor lately...

I was also terrified of bone fractures. Apparently this medication can cause severe bone thinning. I've only had a few broken bones in my life. Once, when I was very young, my forearm was accidentally broken by my sister. She was running and jumping (according to stories my Mom tells) and somehow, ended up landing smack dab on my arm. I don't remember it, but I was told it was a "greenstick" fracture. The only other bones I've had broken were my tibia and fibula on my right leg. Those were nasty breaks from a terrible motor vehicle accident. I remember those well and I remember the pain. On a level of 1-10, those breaks ranked off the charts. That is one reason I don't ever want to experience any bone fractures again and I couldn't even imagine just walking across the floor and a leg bone snapping into pieces. Or, heaven forbid, bumping up against something and a bone shattering....

To say I've been living in dread, while on this medication, is quite accurate. There are many more side effects I haven't mentioned like the possibility of heart attack or stroke, difficulty breathing, severe fatigue, weight gain (my worst nightmare), and others. But, as I said in the beginning of this post, so far, so good! I'm so happy. It's almost too good to be true and I'm waiting for something drastic to occur although I shouldn't be.

Today, I came across a verse of Scripture that addressed my fears. It's found in the book of Proverbs chapter 1 verse 33 and it says, "whoever listens to me will dwell secure and will be at ease, without dread of disaster." When I first read it, it didn't sink in, so I read it again. The second time I read it, I realized I've been dreading disaster while on this medication. I've been expecting the worst. Isn't that just like us, as humans, to always be expecting the "other shoe to drop?" And that's exactly where Satan wants us to be...in a state of fear. He wants us to be fearful because he knows he has power over us when we don't walk in truth. This is a dangerous time because when we are afraid, we do our best to control things and fix things and make things all right. Our fears can overpower us and hold us captive. But look back at the verse in Proverbs. It says, ""whoever listens to me will dwell secure and will be at ease, without dread of disaster." Whoever listens to me (that's Jesus speaking) will dwell secure and be at ease without dread of disaster. That tells me that no matter what I think or feel or expect to happen, it's not necessarily going to happen and if I choose to listen to what God says, over those screaming, fearful voices in my head, I will be at peace...at ease...it will be okay. I won't have to dread disaster coming. I won't have to be afraid. Whew!

One of my favorite books of all time is Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. It's filled with allegories of Biblical truth. If you've never read it, you should! One of the characters in the book is called Much-Afraid (she symbolizes a young, fearful girl who has much to learn about life and I see myself in her character.) The Shepherd (Jesus) is talking to Much-Afraid encouraging her to continue on in her journey. Craven Fear is symbolic of Satan. This is an except from the book:

Then the Shepherd smiled more comfortingly than ever before, laid both hands on her head and said, "Be strong, yea, be strong and fear not." Then He continued, "Much-Afraid, don't ever allow yourself to being trying to picture what it will be like. Believe Me, when you get to the places which you dread you will find that they are as different as possible from what you have imagined, just as was the case when you were actually ascending the precipice. I must warn you that I see your enemies lurking among the trees ahead, and if you ever let Craven Fear begin painting a picture on the screen of your imagination, you will walk with fear and trembling and agony, where no fear is." 
That little segment speaks volumes and certainly ties in with the Scripture in Proverbs.

God doesn't want me to live in a state of fear or dread expecting the worst, but Satan does. God wants me to walk in freedom knowing He's got me in the palm of His hand and He's not going to let anything happen to me. He's in control. And with that in mind, if He chooses to allow any side effects to touch my life, it'll be okay. He'll take care of me. I can always talk to my doctor and let him know the medication is causing problems. I can stop taking it at any point. But, I'm going to trust God in this because I know that's what I should do.

Before I started taking the medication, I waited two weeks. I prayed about it. I asked God what I should do. I didn't know if I should take it or not. My doctor was pushing me to take it, but doctors sometimes have other reasons for wanting you to take medication and the Great Physician trumps any medical doctor I currently see.

So....I'm just thankful! I'm so happy to be able to take the medication without any side effects. This was an unexpected surprise! I don't know why I wasted so much energy on fearing the worst. Hopefully, this month, of trial on the Aromasin, will be a good one and I can continue for the next 5 years as the doctor hopes. It will be a good thing if it works out that way. Keeping cancer at bay is my goal and I don't ever want to experience a recurrence. I've got too much life ahead of me to live as Much-Afraid did.

Tomorrow will be day 5. I'll take one day at a time and I'll trust my Shepherd to lead me all the way. It's so much nicer to be free from the heavy burden of dread. It can leave me on the edge of my moments feeling exhausted and that's no way to live. Thank goodness, I can trust in Jesus and be at ease!

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Another new year

It's so hard to believe today is January 1, 2016. It sounds so unreal...two thousand sixteen...wow! When I was a child growing up in the late 1950's and early 1960's, I never dreamed I'd even exist in the year 2016. It was fun to watch the Jetsons on TV and dream of the future, but to be in the middle of it is incomprehensible. Celebrating another new year has caused me to really take things in perspective and to really focus on time.

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, I removed my watch and haven't put it back on since. I didn't want to be cognizant of time. I wanted to learn to live in the moment and for the past year and a half, it's been wonderful to do just that very thing. I've found myself being more present. Time has taken on a new meaning. Isn't it strange that it took cancer to give me this gift? The beautiful ugliness of cancer has caused all things important in my life to rise to the surface. I've learned to let the things that didn't matter slough off like dead skin on the bottom of dry, hard, calloused feet. The things that matter are in front of me now...front and center...my faith, my family, my friends.

Today, I was forced to consider time in a new way. Instead of focusing on the present, I looked to the future. I wondered how much time I have left on this journey. I don't think about my life that way very often, but as I looked at the bottle of Aromasin sitting in my cabinet, I couldn't help but wonder if it would help prolong my life...perhaps help buy a little more time.

I'd had that bottle of Aromasin sitting in the cabinet for a little over a week and a half. The oncologist had given it and instructed me to begin taking it right away but I didn't. I had to think long and hard about it, but this was the day. I'd talked with my husband about whether or not he thought I should take it. We'd sat at the kitchen table joining hands and asking God for wisdom and direction. We'd asked for His protection. I picked up the pill bottle and held it in my hand turning it around and around. Should I or shouldn't I? I wasn't really sure but Phil said I should at least try it for a month. One month. We'd decided it was a good idea to try this medication for one month, kind of a trial run. We wanted to see if it would really help. Our hope was it would provide a way to gain more time.

I looked at the tiny white pill as it rested in the fleshy folds of my hand. It was so minuscule and yet, it contained a very powerful formulation of medication. How could such a little pill pack such a powerful punch to the hormone Estrogen in my body? I didn't understand it and didn't pretend to, I just took the pill.

The Aromasin went down easily with a glass of water. As I took it, I prayed I wouldn't experience the nasty side effects that went along with this type of medication. I didn't want my hair to fall out and I didn't want to have my bones become brittle and weak. It was scary taking this risk.

Time. Before me lie 365 days of unknown future. As I write this, I stare at a little plaque that sits on my desk. It says, "I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know who holds tomorrow." As I think about my past, my present and my future, I know God has always been there and always will be. As I wonder about what's in store for me in this new year, one of my favorite verses of Scripture pops into my head - " For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 That verse is one I cling to on a daily basis, especially now.

It's hard to explain the way breast cancer has changed my perspective on life. Others who've suffered from cancer or debilitating diseases can probably understand a little more easily than those of you who are in perfectly good health. I guess what I hope to convey in this post is my desire to cherish each and every moment God sees fit to give me. I don't want to take any of them for granted like I did in the past and that is why I can honestly say cancer has been a gift. It's been a teaching gift, one that has taught me such valuable lessons I might never have learned had I not been given the opportunity to walk this path.

Have you ever noticed the name of my blog? I named it Journey Into Pink. I wanted to choose a name that would embody how I saw my experience with cancer. A journey is defined as:

1. a traveling from one place to another, usually taking a rather long time
2. a period of travel
3. passage or progress from one stage to another

I never intended to spend any length of time on the road with cancer. My intention was to walk through it and come out victorious on the other side. I always have seen myself as a sojourner, a traveler passing through this life. One thing I've learned on my journey is God's timing determines the length and duration of my journey. 

So this year, as I begin the first day of this new segment of my life, I am grateful. When I got out of bed this morning, the first thing I did was give thanks to God for another day of life. I may not know how many days I have left, but I know who holds my future. 

There are 29 pills left in that bottle. I will take another tomorrow morning. Yes, I will pray again and hope for the best but I will choose not to be afraid of tomorrow. My time is in His hands and I will choose to take it one moment at a time.

Before my cancer diagnosis, I waited on the big moments in my life while trying to live faithfully through the small ones. Now, that way of life feels so strange to me. I live in the big, open grace of the small moments and wait expectantly and humbly for the big moments to come. The small things have come to matter so much more...a fire in the fireplace, a mug of tea in my hand, the smile of a grandchild, a kiss from my husband...all of those things are priceless treasures of time. Cancer has slowed me down and caused me to see more clearly. I hope this new year will help you see things in a new light. It's so easy to take moments for granted...they slip away so quickly and when they're gone, you can never get them back. Hold on tightly to the things that matter most and let the rest fall away. It's a new day...a new year, a new chance at learning to live life well. I hope you choose wisely. 

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Doctors may surprise you

Night before last, I tossed and turned all night long. I just couldn't get to sleep. No matter what I did, sleep would not come. I know my insomnia was partly due to stressing out about visiting my oncologist. I tried not to worry. I tried not to even think about the visit at all but I couldn't help it. I don't like confrontation. I've done my best to avoid it at all costs. How would the doctor respond when I told him point blank that I was not going to do what he wanted me to do? And who was I, to think I had this right?

The clock kept ticking down the hours until it was almost time to go. I looked at my husband through tear filled eyes. He knew. Without me saying one single word, he knew. He knew I was afraid. 

As we got into the car, he took my hand and held it all the way to the doctor's office. I was so thankful he'd taken the day off work to go with me. He's such a sweetheart! We pulled into a parking spot and I looked up at him. "I don't want to do this," I said. He said he understood and that maybe, just maybe the doctor would listen and not give me a hard time. That's what I was hoping for...

The nurse called my name and took me back to the scale. Oh how I hate the scale! It's so intimidating. It would be so nice if his office, like my breast surgeon's office, didn't even have a scale. (My breast surgeon says there's no point in it. I agree with her, but I guess oncologists have to keep up with how much weight their patient's are losing...if only I could lose.) 

After the weigh in, the nurse ushered us into an exam room. She brought in the little rolling vital sign machine thingy (I'm not sure what the real medical term is but it has the blood pressure cuff, digital thermometer and pulse oximeter all in one.) Here we go again. She recorded my vital signs on the computer and said the doctor would be in shortly.

About ten minutes passed before I heard a slight knock at the door.  Dr. Feinstein entered the room and greeted my husband and I. He sat down on his little rolling doctor's stool and rolled over close. "So how are you feeling?," he said. I told him I was feeling really good and I knew it was coming...then he said, "so tell me about your decision not to take the medicines? I got the voicemail you'd left on the nurse's line." Oh snap! Now what did I say??? Where did I begin? 

I don't stutter but boy I wish'd at that moment I had because it would have bought me some more time. Slowly and quietly, I began to explain that I'd decided to take a more natural approach to healing. "Tell me what you mean," said the doc, "what kind of things are you doing?" I told him that I'd done a lot of research on natural things that helped with cancer recovery. I explained that I'd decided to eliminate sugar from my diet as well as processed foods. I told him I was trying to do more raw fruits and vegetables. He nodded his head still listening attentively. I told him I'm incorporating organic green tea into my diet, 2 or 3 times a day, and that I'd found information on Ashwaganha root that sounded interesting. He continued to listen and I waited for the comeback.

I talked a little longer on essential oils and Chlorophyll, and then I was quiet. 

The doctor looked me straight in the eyes and I thought oh, no...he's going to berate me now. I braced. The silence was deafening. I couldn't stand it any longer and I said, "Dr. Feinstein, I've done a lot of praying about it. I just don't feel the medications are right for me. I know you're a man of faith (he's Jewish) and I know you understand where I'm coming from." And then he spoke.

I was amazed when he said he had no problem with the green tea. (I guess medical research has proven the benefits in using it with cancer patients.) He said, "I understand your desire not to take the medication. You've already tried 2 and they didn't work for you. If you'd only tried one, I would have encouraged you to try another, but in your case, you've given it your best shot." (Wow, I was impressed. This wasn't what I expected.) He told me that there were many "remedies" out there claiming to cure cancer and that I'd have to be very careful. I explained to him that I do a lot of research before trying anything new that affects my health. He told me just to be wise. He said he didn't want me to spend a lot of money trying one thing after another. I told him I wouldn't. 

Walking over to the exam table he patted the paper protective layer indicating he wanted me to hop up there so he could check me out. He listened to my lungs and heart. He looked in my throat. He asked if I'd been having any headaches that wouldn't go away, any bone/joint pain, any stomach pain and I responded no to all of them. I knew he was asking these questions to determine whether the cancer might be spreading in my body, but I didn't let on that I knew why he was asking these questions. 

When he was done with the exam, he said, "you know, the cancer may never come back but if it does, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. In the meantime, you keep doing your natural plan and I'll check your blood work ever 3 months. If anything starts to go off track, we'll address that then." I knew that was the best I was going to get from a medical professional. 

Dr. Feinstein started toward the door and I asked if he was going to do blood work today. He said it would be a good idea and went to get the nurse to tell her. When he came back into the room, I asked if he'd let me take a picture with him. I told him I was trying to document my journey for my children and grandchildren. He was nice enough to agree to the photo. 

Before he left, I told him I had been afraid to come see him for this appointment. He looked at me strangely and said, "Why? I never want you to be afraid of me." I told him I didn't think he'd agree to be my doctor if I didn't agree to his prescribed medical treatment and he said, "if all of my patients did exactly what I said, it would be pretty boring and I'd be treating a bunch of robots. It's your body and you know it best. You have a right to refuse any treatment you feel isn't for you." At that point, I wanted to jump up and give him a high five or a great big bear hug but I didn't. I just smiled a big smile and breathed in a sigh of relief. I had stressed out about this visit for nothing! I was so glad my doctor agreed to support me. It was so encouraging. 

One last thing before he left the room. He wanted me to see a nutritionist. If I was going to do a natural healing approach, he said it was important to see a nutritionist. He explained that my cancer was fed by both Estrogen and Progesterone and to keep the cancer from recurring, we needed to stop the Estrogen in my body as much as possible. Estrogen is made by your ovaries, your adrenal gland, and by fat cells. Since I was already post menopausal, we didn't have to worry about the ovaries but, I could stand to lose a little weight. In fact, Doctor Feinstein said the more weight I could lose, the better. With cancer it was better to be skinny! So, next week I have an appointment with a nutritionist. 

Maybe it would have been easier and more convenient to just pop a few pills to ward off the cancer. It's going to take a lot of effort to go the natural healing route, but I know that's the path God has pointed me toward. I really want to live as long as I possibly can and anything I can do to facilitate that objective...well, I'm all in! 

My thoughts: 

I'm going to keep close tabs on my lab reports from each visit forward. I've determined not only to be my own best health advocate but also to partner with my oncologist to obtain the best results. It's going to take time to get used to drinking all that organic Matcha Tea. It tastes pretty nasty. Taking the Ashwaganha root capsules, the DDR essential oil capsules, the Zendocrine capsules, the Chlorophyll capsules and all my vitamins, cutting out the sugar and processed foods, trying to lose weight and walking more than ever before will be challenging but hopefully, it will allow my body to regenerate good cells that can keep the cancerous ones at bay. If I can create a healthy cellular environment in my body, my chances of recurrence will greatly diminish. I'm pumped about seeing the changes to come in the days ahead. I'm so happy Dr. Feinstein didn't jump my case about going natural. I need to eliminate stress from my life and the tendency to worry. Hopefully the nutritionist can help me see where I need to revamp my diet. I don't think I eat enough protein. 

Clarity

For the past few weeks, I've been struggling with a huge decision regarding my healthcare and finally, after much prayer, I have some clarity. Last month, I visited my Oncologist. While there, we discussed my health as well as 2 previous medications I'd tried at my doctor's request. Both of those medications had given me bad side effects and had made me feel like a totally different person. While in the doctor's office, he told me there was only one more medication we could try. When he said that, I wanted to laugh...WE? Was he going to join me in taking the medication? I don't think so. I explained to him that my husband and I had a trip coming up and that I'd like to wait to begin the medicine until after we had completed our trip and were back home. Dr. "F" agreed it would be a wise decision. He didn't want me in another state if I was experiencing bad side effects. I left his office feeling good about the visit and went home to pack for our trip.

The entire time we were in Texas, I felt an uneasiness about beginning the new medication. I didn't want to experience the same bad side effects as I'd had on the past 2 cancer meds. The more I thought about it, the more I didn't want to take the medication but I knew I needed to gain understanding through prayer.

For the past 2 weeks, I've gone before the Lord with my dilemma. In the Bible, we're told
"If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." James 1:5 I knew I needed answers for my problem and I needed godly wisdom. I didn't want to trust making the decision on my own. James 1:5 promises that if we will go to Him when we need wisdom, He will give us the answers we need!

The word "lack" is the Greek word leipo, a Greek word that pictures a deficit of some kind. In modern English, we might call this a shortfall, a shortage, a scarcity, or a deficiency. For instance, people often speak of a "shortfall" of finances. When they experience such a financial shortfall, it greatly impairs their ability to do business as necessary. Years ago, we had a shortage of gasoline. People had to wait for hours to get a few gallons of gas and when the gas ran out, the ones at the back of the line had to go home on empty. In my grandparents' day, food was rationed. There was a great lack of precious staples like flour, eggs, sugar, bread, meat, and milk. These kinds of scarcities and deficits could be described by the Greek word leipo, which is translated "lack" in the King James Version of James 1:5. But the "lack" James is referring to is not sugar, flour, eggs, milk, butter, meat, or gasoline. James says, "If any of you lack wisdom.…"

A lack of "wisdom" is the most devastating kind of deficit a person or country can face. Wisdom has the answers, solutions, and principles needed to reverse any situation and turn it around for the better. A person is at a great disadvantage when he is void of wisdom about how to pay his bills, how to reverse a decline in his business, how to resolve challenges with his children, spouse, boss, or coworkers; or even how to make important decisions that will affect his future. When a person lacks wisdom, it nearly paralyzes him, because he doesn't know what to do!

When James says, "If any of you lack wisdom," the word "wisdom" is the Greek word sophos. This word sophos could describe enlightenment, or special insight. Just because someone has a college degree doesn't mean he possesses wisdom. You need to treat education like it is important, for it definitely is. However, you also need to understand that having an education is not the equivalent of having wisdom. Education gives information and facts; but wisdom gives you principles, solutions, and answers. Wisdom gives you special insight that helps you know what to do. Wisdom contains the principles that will lead you out of that baffling situation and into a place where things begin to work again! Wisdom guides you to do what is right. Man has education; but God has wisdom.

Are you experiencing a time in your life right now when you need wisdom about a particular situation? Even though you've studied and tried to find solutions on your own, have those solutions been evading you? If so, it's time for you to get a good dose of wisdom from on High! That's why James says, "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God.…"

The word "ask" is the Greek word aiteo. The word aiteo means "to be adamant in requesting and demanding assistance to meet tangible needs, such as food, shelter, money, and so forth." This person may insist or demand that a certain need be met, but he approaches his superior with respect and honor as he makes his very strong request. The word aiteo also expresses the idea that the one asking has a full expectation to receive what has been firmly requested.

When James tells us to "ask" God for the wisdom we need, the Greek tense used is a command. This plainly means God isn't suggesting that we come to Him for wisdom; He is commanding us to do so!
When these words are used together in one phrase, it could be translated:
"If anyone lacks insight, let him firmly request it.…"
"If anyone has a shortage of wisdom, he should demand it.…"
"If anyone is baffled and doesn't know what to do, he should be bold to ask.…"

The Greek word studies in this verse of Scripture helped give me even more clarity. I finally understood that God really wanted me to come to Him for wisdom first instead of trying to figure things out on my own. Instead of relying on my education and the books on my shelf to give me the answers I needed, I knew I had to go to God first and firmly ask Him for wisdom and that is just what I did. I approached Him with respect and honor, but was also bold. As a child of God, I knew I had a right to request wisdom from God when I needed it!

This morning, I reached up into the top of my closet and took down my prayer shawl. It was a beautifully crocheted shawl made by ladies from a local church. A friend of mine had given it to me right after I was diagnosed with breast cancer. As I placed the shawl over my shoulders, I sat for hours before God pouring out my heart to Him. With the shawl over my shoulders, it was as if I could feel God's very arms wrapped around me. The feeling was so filled with love and peace. I'd never felt that way before underneath the prayer shawl.

I admitted I didn't know what to do regarding taking the new medications. I struggled with just doing what the doctor told me to do and following what I felt in my heart that I needed to do. My heart said, "trust God. Remember your Oncotype DX number was a 7...the number of completion! It also meant that there was a very low rate of recurrence." My head said, "but the doctor knows more than you do. He says I have to take this medication for the next 10 years to prevent the cancer from returning. I should do what he says to do." My heart said, "you need to trust that God made your body. He knows every single cell and knows the number of days He's allotted to you. He has your best interest in mind. The doctor is only following recommended treatment plans as indicated by statistics." 

I cried and cried as I read my Bible and poured out my heart to God. I told him everything I was thinking even though I knew He already knew my thoughts before I verbalized them. As I prayed, I felt such a peace come over me and He led me to Psalm 56:3-4, "What time I am afraid, I will have confidence in and put my trust and reliance in You. By [the help of] God I will praise His word; on God I lean, rely, and confidently put my trust; I will not fear. What can man, who is flesh, do to me?" He also gave me Psalm 57:1-2, "Be merciful and gracious to me, O God, be merciful and gracious to me, for my soul takes refuge and finds shelter and confidence in You; yes, in the shadow of Your wings will I take refuge and be confident until calamities and destructive storms are passed. I will cry to God Most High, Who performs on my behalf and rewards me [Who brings to pass His purposes for me and surely completes them]!" As I read these verses, I got a mental image of the beautiful, powerful, huge wings of God and I saw myself tiny, and powerless huddled beneath them. I could see a great and powerful whirlwind swirling all around me, but I was completely safe and secure beneath His wings. I felt no fear whatsoever. I knew everything was going to be okay. 

My decision is clear. I will not be taking any more cancer medications. The two bottles sitting on my counter will soon be in the trashcan. I am going to trust the One who holds my future in the palm of His hand. When I call to tell my doctor of my decision, I don't know if he will understand it but I'm going to try to help him see where I'm coming from. I'm thankful my doctor is Jewish because that means he's a man of faith. I'm going to use that as my segway into explaining my decision. He is a man of faith and I am a woman of faith. It doesn't matter that we are of different faiths because we both believe in the same Almighty, Omnipotent God. 

I'm sure Dr. "F" won't be too happy that I've chosen not to take the prescribed medications. I'm wondering if he'll even still agree to be my Oncologist. If he decides he doesn't want to support me in my decision, I'll have to find a new doctor and that's okay. I'm trusting God with that decision too. 

Of course, every now and then, I'm sure Satan will whisper fearful words to my heart and mind trying to scare me into thinking I've made the wrong decision. He'll use the tool of fear to prod me into thinking the cancer will come back but I know, even if God does allow the cancer to return, He'll have a purpose for it and I can live with that. I've trusted Him throughout this whole ordeal and I'm not going to stop trusting Him now. 

If you're facing a dilemma of some kind today, rather than continue to struggle in your own strength, why don't you go to God and ask Him to give you the necessary wisdom to conquer the situation you are facing in your life right now? As a child of God, you have every right to ask Him. In fact, God commands you to come to Him when you lack wisdom! So take a few minutes today to obey that command. Ask God to give you the wis­dom you need!

My Prayer for Today
Lord, help me to come to You when I find myself struggling to know what to do. Help me to rely on You instead of on my own strength and understanding. Every answer I need resides with You. Your wisdom holds all the answers I am looking for therefore, I am making the decision to come to You now with a listening ear. Please speak to my heart and guide me according to your perfect will for my life. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen. 

My Confession for Today
I boldly confess that I go to the Father when I need wisdom from above. He has the answers to all my problems, and He is standing before me, ready to help. God is on my side. He wants to help me. He is waiting for me to come into His Presence so He can give me the wisdom I need to confront and overcome every situation I am facing right now. God wants me to suc­ceed, and His wisdom is what I need to achieve what is in my heart. So rather than try to figure it all out on my own, I run to the Father and ask Him for wisdom - and He is swift to give me the wisdom I need! I declare this by faith in Jesus' name!

© Bonnie Annis all rights reserved.

Insurance changes and Cancer meds

President Obama's affordable health care act has adversely effected the health insurance plans of many companies. A number of employers have been overhauling the health benefits they offer employees, citing rising costs. There are two themes to what they are doing. In trying to control their own spending, employers often are shifting health costs to employees. So the average annual deductible for an individual has nearly doubled in the past seven years. But employers aren't just making workers pay more. They're trying to make them think more about health-related expenses and behavior. Some companies have decided to stop covering working spouses if they have access to coverage at their own jobs. The health law does not require employers to cover spouses, but surveys show that only a minority of companies have implemented a "spousal exclusion." However, employers increasingly offer incentives to get spouses off their plans. They may charge workers extra if a covered spouse has access to other insurance, or they may pay bonuses when spouses are not on the company policy. The health law requires employers who offer coverage to employees to also offer coverage to dependent children, or pay a penalty.

The affordable care act mandates that prescription drugs are one of 10 essential health benefits that insurance plans must offer — among maternity and newborn care, preventative care, hospitalization and mental health — the ACA makes drug coverage a core part of health insurance, and it eliminates insurers’ ability to tack on a prescription drug benefit plan to a health care plan at an additional cost. Patient copays vary regarding the type of plan, type of medication, and the prescription drug company's formulary. The ACA requires insurance plans to cover at least one drug in every category and class in the U.S. Pharmacopeia, the official list of approved medicines. Patients and their doctors can request and gain access to clinically appropriate drugs that aren’t covered. Plans maintain their own preferred-drug lists, or formularies, and the cost for the same drug can vary significantly between plans, which is especially important to note for consumers with chronic conditions such as cancer.

Yesterday, I received a call from my prescription drug company. My oncologist had sent in two prescriptions for me. One of the medications was not listed on the company's formulary. The voice on the other end of the phone advised me that the cost of this medication might be higher than others in the same class of aromatase inhibitors. She suggested I contact the insurance company and inquire about the cost of this medication, just hearing her say those words concerned me. We'd already noticed many changes in our health insurance plan since the first of the year and most of those changes were negative changes.

I called the insurance company to ask about the monthly charge for Aromasin and almost fell off of my chair when the clerk told me the fee would be $275 for a 30 day supply. While that might not seem expensive to some people, it was definitely expensive to us especially since we only have one monthly income. After discussing it with my husband, we decided it would be a good idea to call the doctor's office and see if there was an alternative medication. Thankfully, when I called and spoke with my doctor's nurse, she gave me some peace of mind. She assured me they would do everything they could to find a medication that would fit into our budget as well as combat the cancer. 

My heart goes out to those who need expensive medications and are unable to afford them. Some prescription manufacturers offer programs for those on low incomes but many do not. Many doctors offer prescription samples to patients who are unable to purchase their medications but there are also those who do not. It's a sticky situation for those of us who need medications on a daily basis. I am so thankful that my husband's company provides the opportunity for us to participate in their health insurance program and although they require annual documentation to insure me, we have yet to be denied benefits.

There are many different opinions on the Obama Affordable Care Act. Some people are very opposed to it and others are very thankful for it. I have my own personal opinions on it and I won't share them here. Hopefully, most of us realize how blessed we are to live in a country where we can easily obtain necessary medications for illnesses. There are so many countries where this is not the case. Wouldn't it be nice if none of us ever needed any medications? But with the world we live in today, that would never be possible. Good health should never be taken for granted.

Thankful Thursday

Tuesday I had my six month check up with my Oncologist. We sat and talked for a while about how I've been feeling before he broached the subject of medication. I was really hoping he'd just forget about it, but that was just wishful thinking.

Dr. "F" explained that I had to be on medication because my cancer was fed by Estrogen and Progesterone. He said, "if we can't keep those hormones in check, the cancer will return and grow somewhere else in your body so it's important that we stay on top of it." I'd already been on Arimidex and Tamoxifen, so I wondered what he was going to recommend now.

We talked about the differences between the way Tamoxifen and aromatase inhibitors work. Dr. "F" explained that Tamoxifen doesn't actually block the production of Estrogen in your body, it only binds to it and slows it down. Arimidex and other aromatase inhibitors block the production of Estrogen. Since Arimidex gave me such dreadful joint and bone pain, he didn't want me on that drug any longer. Tamoxifen was a nightmare for me, giving me crazy hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings, and a lot of other unacceptable symptoms.

I'm glad Dr. "F" was sympathetic toward me. He said, "I really want you to have a good quality of life." Gee thanks, doc! I want a good quality of life too. So what's the plan? He's going to try me on another aromatase inhibitor called Aromasin and he's going to add a drug called Effexor along with it. Effexor, although known as an antidepressant, is one of the only known drugs that eases and almost eliminates the dreaded hot flashes and night sweats. I'm going to be on a very low dose of it at first and then he'll adjust it as we see how it affects my body.

The good news is, I get to wait to start taking the new meds until I return from my trip to Texas! I'm so happy about that. Having one month of feeling semi normal is a gift I can't even begin to explain to you. I do worry a little about the time I'll be off meds however; I can't help but wonder if those nasty cancer cells are playing hide and seek somewhere in my body. But instead of focusing on that, I'm going to just be thankful I have one month without any weird side effects!

It's amazing how just being off of the medication for a few days has changed me physically. I actually FEEL GOOD. I haven't felt good since early March of last year before I discovered the mass in my breast. It feels good to feel good. I've missed it! I feel so good, that I've started doing things that I love again.

Health is something most people take for granted but when you don't have good health, your world turns upside down. I am grateful for medications that will help prolong my life, but I sure wish I never had to take any of them. I'm going to enjoy every single day of my month's worth of freedom and I'm going to hope for very minimal side effects from the new medication I'll start near the end of February. Let's hope this new one will be a good fit. Dr. "F" told me, at my office visit, that this was our last option but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Today is a good day and I am very thankful to be me and actually feel like myself for a change.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

An unexpected birthday present

Yesterday was my birthday. This year was more special than most because, I really was thankful to be having a birthday...yes, I was another year older, but I was thankful! I was thankful that I made it to this birthday, because in March, when I found the mass in my breast, I thought surely I would die this year....after all, when we hear the word CANCER don't we immediately associate it with the word DEATH? I know I did. So that's why I was so thankful...I was ALIVE AND NOT DEAD!

The day turned out to be a a good day. Nothing exciting happened really, it was just a peace filled day...that is, until the mail came. Amid the cards, letters, and bills, was a small package. When I opened the package, I was disappointed at this unexpected "present"...a bottle of Tamoxifen.Tamoxifen is a Breast Cancer medication that has been around for about 30 years. It's become the drug of choice for doctors to prescribe for pre-menopausal women with Breast Cancer but for post-menopausal women, like myself, aromatase inhibitors are used instead.

I had been taking an aromatase inhibitor called Arimidex as adjuvant therapy for the Breast Cancer after radiation and surgery. Five to ten years, is what I was told...I'd be taking medication for five to ten...sounded a little like a prison sentence, but hey...you have to do what you have to do to live, don't you? When the Arimidex started making me have really weird symptoms, like mood swings and deep depression, I called the Oncologist. He had me stop taking it immediately and told me to stay off of it for 4 weeks to allow my body to completely get rid of any residual medication. So I did. I thought that was that...no more meds...boy, was I wrong!

I've felt pretty good other than fighting constant fatigue, insomnia, and the Lymphedema. It's been nice not having to deal with the side effects from medication. I don't think I could have made it through those hot flashes, mood swings, depression, and the bone pain much longer. I've enjoyed my mini vacation from medication and wish I could continue forever, but I have to face reality.

It's frustrating knowing that in a couple of weeks, I'll have to start on medication once again. Every single anti-hormone therapy medication has a long list of side effects. To say I'm anxious about starting another one is an understatement. I don't relish the thought of being a medical guinea pig again. Why can't I just do nothing? Why can't I try natural things like going Vegan? Hmmm...I guess that's where trust comes in...I have to learn to trust my doctor and trust that he knows a whole lot more than I do when it comes to treating Cancer.

But how can medication that is known to cause blood clots, strokes, cataracts, hair loss, etc. be a good choice for someone who's already gone through the trauma of having both breasts removed and lymph nodes too? It doesn't make much sense to me, but then, I guess that's why he's the doctor and I'm not. Where do you draw the line though? When do you say enough is enough? It seems I have more questions than answers right now...

My unexpected present wasn't much of a gift after all, that is, unless it prolongs my life...if it can do that, then it will be a wonderful blessing. I guess I'll just have to wait and see...trial and error...that's all I can do. I guess if worse comes to worse, Dr. Feinstein will just have to take me off of this medication and try another. I should be thankful there are medications available to keep the Cancer at bay. I won't look a gift horse in the mouth...no! I'll do as I'm told and hope for the best.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

 

Oncology visit

What I want you to know:
When I walked into the Oncology center, I was nervous. No one had come with me today and I felt so alone. I entered the lobby and took the elevator up to the third floor. I had no idea what was going to be done today. I signed in at the receptionist's desk and sat down in the waiting room. No one else was there. It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.

I'd only met Dr. Feinstein once before and that was shortly after my cancer diagnosis. It's amazing how my illness has given me an entire team of doctors. Each one of them specialize in different areas, but they all work together for my benefit. Some days I feel like a rock star.

I waited about fifteen minutes before being called back. Of course, the nurse ushered me into a little alcove with the infamous scale. In a chipper voice, she said, "Let's get your weight." In my head I said, 'no, let's don't and say we did." I hate having my weight done, partly because I know I've gained weight since surgery and partly because there's nothing I can do about it at this time. I haven't been able to do any kind of exercise for months.

The nurse with her little clipboard guided me into the exam room. Once again, I see the blood pressure machine coming my way. I explained that she couldn't use my arms because of the Lymphedema and she gave the same reaction as the nurse yesterday in Dr. Smith's office. She wasn't too happy to have to take my blood pressure on my calf. She had to try 3 times to get the machine to register. It was really hurting as it pumped up higher and higher. I'd never seen a cuff pump up to 243 before and I could feel pain on my leg. I commented to her that it was really hurting, but she did nothing. When the machine finally stopped pumping, I was shocked to see my blood pressure at 179/110. I commented that my blood pressure was extremely high and she told me not to worry because it always registers higher on the leg. "Oh, okay," I said.

Dr. Feinstein came in and sat down. He always sits so close that kind of freaks me out. He is so calm and so soft spoken. I'm sure that helps put his patients at ease. I listened as he went over my lab results. He wants to keep a close eye on my Vitamin D level which is still very low. As he reviewed my bone density scan, he commented that I'd need to have it redone every two years. Apparently the aromatase inhibitor, Arimidex, can cause severe Osteopenia and Osteoporosis. He explained that those in turn can cause frequent bone fractures.

As the doctor finished reviewing my labs, he leaned in closer to me and began to tell me all the side effects of Arimidex. He said hair loss, hot flashes, bone/joint pain, fatigue, mood swings and mental changes are all side effects that can occur. He wants me to try the medication for 30 days and then report back to him. If Arimidex doesn't work well for me, he'll put me on Tamoxifen but in the next breath, he said Tamoxifen causes blood clots.

For the next five to ten years I'll need to be on this medication. Dr. Feinstein wants me to wait two weeks to start since I just finished radiation. He said that will give me a little more time to recover and get my energy back before starting the new medication. It scares me.

What I'm thinking:
Will I ever be through with treatment for cancer? Will I have doctors appointments every month? Will I think every new ache or pain is the cancer returning? Will I ever get my energy back? I don't know what to do...do I just trust that the doctor knows more than I do and take the medication just because he tells me to take it? Do I need to research it more and ask about alternative therapies? I wonder if I'm just a lab rat...being used to gather statistical information on how Arimidex does or does not affect estrogen in my body. I know the medication is supposed to better my odds of having a recurrence, but all of those side effects...are they worth it? I'm going to pray I don't get any of the side effects but if I do, I hope I don't experience any of the more severe ones...is that too much to ask? I don't want to go through hot flashes again...been there and done that...it was definitely no fun! Hair loss...don't want to experience that either...it takes my hair forever to grow and it's already very fine and thin. Mood swings/mental changes...I definitely don't want any of those and I know Phil won't either! I don't want him to wonder what ever happened to his sweet loving wife! I'm afraid the medication may make me be a horrible, irritable person. So much to worry about, but I can't go there. I don't want to borrow trouble. All I can do is trust my doctors and hope for the best. I know God's in control and that's all that matters. Sometimes I think Cancer sucks.