Art therapy and writing class

Today was Cancer Wellness Center day for me. On Thursdays, they offer an art therapy class and a writing class. I've been trying to make myself get out and attend the classes because I know it's good for me to have fellowship with other ladies. It's fun to be around them and just enjoy laughing and talking with them. Even though the classes are a fun, creative outlet, I'm amazed at what they bring out of me emotionally.

Today we worked on another tissue paper mosaic. Tearing the colored pieces of tissue paper was monotonous, but while we were preparing our medium, we had some good conversation. I got to know a couple of the ladies a little better as we talked and found out that I was the youngest one in the class. I was surprised about that. The other ladies looked about my age but they were in their mid 60's and 70's.

We worked for about an hour and a half tearing and gluing, gluing and tearing...making a water scene from blues, purples, blacks, and greens. They we added in some oranges and yellows for reflections of leaves. As we were working, I realized I wasn't thinking about anything except putting the next piece of tissue paper on my canvas. It was so relaxing and methodical.

Before I knew it, it was time to clean up. Art class was over and we were told we'd finish up next week. Where did the time go? It had flown by! There were jiblets of tissue paper all over the tables and on the floor. Spatterings of glue were flecked here and there. I took a sponge of hot water and began wiping up my area. After it was clean, I left for lunch.

One of the other ladies asked me to join her for lunch in the hospital cafeteria. I had no idea where it was, so I followed her there. It was a nice, open area with a salad bar, hot bar, drinks and desserts. I opted for a salad since I'm trying to eat healthier. During lunch, we talked about our diagnoses and treatment. I don't guess I'll ever be able to get away from having to share my journey.

Lunch ended and it was time for writing class. It was a small class today, just the instructor, myself and another woman. The journaling prompts were pulled out again and I chose the first one from the jar. It was a thought provoking prompt and we all got busy writing. It was fun to hear the different thoughts as we each read our journaling aloud. It's funny to me how we could all hear the same prompt and all have very different opinions as to where it should go and how the story should end, but that's what makes writing so unique.

We worked on several journaling prompts and then listened as the therapist read from the book, The Song of the Bird, again. I don't like that book very much because it's so New Age, but the therapist likes to use it for some reason.  I tried to weave my faith into this assignment to counter the New Age principals. Hopefully, the therapist will come to know and respect the fact that I'm a devout Christian.

When class was over, I said my goodbyes and headed home. In the car, I realized I was pretty tired. I don't understand how it takes so much out of me every week to just drive to and from class and be at the wellness center for 4 hours. I keep wondering when I'm going to get my strength back.

Through generous donors, the cancer wellness center can offer programs that cater to women going through different stages of healing. I'm so thankful for those people who give so generously so we can reap the benefits. I'm building up quite a portfolio of artwork and my creative writing skills are growing exponentially! Maybe one day, I'll get that book written...

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Creative therapy

 I've been struggling lately with getting out of the house and doing something...anything. I've become so comfortable just being here with me, myself and I all day long every day. I can do what I want when I want without any disruption, but I know it's not healthy to isolate myself...so, I decided to make myself do something.

The hospital near me has a Cancer Wellness Center and they offer classes at no cost to breast cancer patients and survivors. My Oncologist told me about it right after I was diagnosed and I was scared to death to walk down the hallway to see where the classes were even held. If my oldest daughter hadn't been with me, I'm sure I would not have gone to see it at all, but she insisted telling me it would be good for me.

Several months passed after that first visit to the wellness center and she kept asking me if I'd gone to any classes yet. I had to respond that I hadn't. She kept prodding me, telling me to try it but I was afraid to go alone to a place where I knew no one. I didn't want to go, but I promised her I'd go at least once and so I did.

My first visit was okay. There weren't a lot of people there. I was very nervous and tried to fit in as best I could. The ladies were nice but not overly friendly. It was apparent they had known each other for some time and had their own little cliques. I wondered if I'd ever fit in. When I left that first day, I didn't think I would be back. I had kept my promise and that was all I felt I needed to do.

Since the beginning of the year, I'd promised myself that I'd be brave...that I'd try something new. I really needed to be around other people and the only people I knew here were medical staff...I didn't want to be around them unless I had to be!

Last night, I sent my daughter a text and told her I needed a cheerleader...I needed her to encourage me to go to the wellness center. She responded with several texts filled with verses of Scripture that reminded me to be brave and courageous. I went to bed thinking I'd give it a try if I felt good enough in the morning.

This morning, after waking up from one of the best night's sleep I'd had in months, I decided to go to the center. Today was art therapy day and afterwards, there was a creative writing class. I loved both of those things so I thought it would be a good day for me to venture out.

I ate breakfast and then checked the clock. It was a little before 8.  I hurried to get a shower and then got dressed and put on a fresh coat of makeup. I looked in the mirror and started to feel shaky. I wasn't feeling very brave...but wait! I had my lions! I'd collected a small brood of lions since my diagnosis. Friends had sent them to me to remind me to be brave while going through treatment. They had been my constant companions as I'd worked through radiation treatments for 7 weeks, I knew they could help me now too.

I went into the bedroom and gathered them up in my arms. "Come on guys," I said, as I whisked them into the front seat of my car. I glanced at the clock, it was almost 9:30 a.m. Traffic was a little heavier than normal but I pressed on, determined not to be late.

When I arrived at the hospital, the parking lot was extremely full. I parked in the first space available and walked about a block to the front door of the wellness center. I took the elevator up and took a deep breath as I reached my floor. The door opened and I made a b-line for the bathroom, nerves, I guess. After I composed myself, I went down the long corridor to a set of glass doors that led to the classrooms.

I entered the classroom and NO ONE was there! I started to freak out but then noticed it was not quite 10 a.m. ...maybe I was just early and others would come soon. I noticed that the room was fairly dark, so I began opening the blinds to let in the morning light...that was much better, I thought to myself and sat down at a round table.

Gayle, the art therapist

Promptly at 10 a.m. the art therapist came into the room. She introduced herself to me again. Her name was Gayle and she remembered me from my very first visit...I was surprised! She started pulling out supplies for the class and I volunteered to help. We sat up a table and got everything ready as other ladies came into the room. Each one told me her name and a little about herself.

We got started with our project and soon, I was immersed in what I was doing. I totally forgot about what was going on around me. I was so busy making my mosaic and getting it just the way I wanted it. It was so nice not to have to think about anything other than what I was doing at that very moment.

Time went by so quickly and soon it was noon, time for lunch. I went downstairs to the new cafe and ordered a sandwich. It was so beautiful outside. I chose to sit in the sunshine. There was a small picnic area set up in between buildings and it looked so inviting.

When lunch was over, I headed back up to class. The creative writing class was a very small group. I guess not many ladies enjoy writing. I was kind of glad because I prefer to be in a small group. Since this was my first writing class at the center, I didn't know what to expect. The art therapist pulled out a mason jar filled with slips of paper and asked me to pick one. As I read it, I saw that it had a journaling prompt on it. Each of us would now take the prompt and write from it.

Gayle gave us a certain amount of time to complete our assignment. When we were done, she asked if anyone wanted to read portions of their work. When she asked me, I was nervous, but agreed to read my writings. Everyone in the class was amazed. They asked me to read my work again. I was shaky and wondered why they wanted to hear my work read aloud once again. After reading, they all told me I had wonderful talent and that I should write professionally. I explained that this was a lifelong dream but I'd never pursued it. I felt honored to hear their words of praise.

I was thankful I'd made myself go to the classes. It was very cathartic and I could actually feel the stress leaving my body. It was also nice to be around other people. I didn't realize how much I'd missed it.

Next week will be easier since I know some of the ladies. I'm actually looking forward to the classes and can't wait to see what type of things we'll do.

I felt a little silly writing about this topic today, but I wanted to share my vulnerability with you. I don't just struggle with my physical appearance, I struggle emotionally too. Breast cancer can really do a number on your self esteem. I know it has on mine, but I'm fighting hard to get it back to a new normal.

Working on our mosaics

I'm so thankful to have my own personal cheering section! My daughters know me so well and they can tell when I'm fearful. Grownups aren't supposed to be afraid of little things like going out in public, are they? I was never afraid before surgery so I don't know why I am now. Hopefully things will get better with time. I did actually have a lot of fun today and I know that it was really good medicine.


© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Oncology visit

What I want you to know:
When I walked into the Oncology center, I was nervous. No one had come with me today and I felt so alone. I entered the lobby and took the elevator up to the third floor. I had no idea what was going to be done today. I signed in at the receptionist's desk and sat down in the waiting room. No one else was there. It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.

I'd only met Dr. Feinstein once before and that was shortly after my cancer diagnosis. It's amazing how my illness has given me an entire team of doctors. Each one of them specialize in different areas, but they all work together for my benefit. Some days I feel like a rock star.

I waited about fifteen minutes before being called back. Of course, the nurse ushered me into a little alcove with the infamous scale. In a chipper voice, she said, "Let's get your weight." In my head I said, 'no, let's don't and say we did." I hate having my weight done, partly because I know I've gained weight since surgery and partly because there's nothing I can do about it at this time. I haven't been able to do any kind of exercise for months.

The nurse with her little clipboard guided me into the exam room. Once again, I see the blood pressure machine coming my way. I explained that she couldn't use my arms because of the Lymphedema and she gave the same reaction as the nurse yesterday in Dr. Smith's office. She wasn't too happy to have to take my blood pressure on my calf. She had to try 3 times to get the machine to register. It was really hurting as it pumped up higher and higher. I'd never seen a cuff pump up to 243 before and I could feel pain on my leg. I commented to her that it was really hurting, but she did nothing. When the machine finally stopped pumping, I was shocked to see my blood pressure at 179/110. I commented that my blood pressure was extremely high and she told me not to worry because it always registers higher on the leg. "Oh, okay," I said.

Dr. Feinstein came in and sat down. He always sits so close that kind of freaks me out. He is so calm and so soft spoken. I'm sure that helps put his patients at ease. I listened as he went over my lab results. He wants to keep a close eye on my Vitamin D level which is still very low. As he reviewed my bone density scan, he commented that I'd need to have it redone every two years. Apparently the aromatase inhibitor, Arimidex, can cause severe Osteopenia and Osteoporosis. He explained that those in turn can cause frequent bone fractures.

As the doctor finished reviewing my labs, he leaned in closer to me and began to tell me all the side effects of Arimidex. He said hair loss, hot flashes, bone/joint pain, fatigue, mood swings and mental changes are all side effects that can occur. He wants me to try the medication for 30 days and then report back to him. If Arimidex doesn't work well for me, he'll put me on Tamoxifen but in the next breath, he said Tamoxifen causes blood clots.

For the next five to ten years I'll need to be on this medication. Dr. Feinstein wants me to wait two weeks to start since I just finished radiation. He said that will give me a little more time to recover and get my energy back before starting the new medication. It scares me.

What I'm thinking:
Will I ever be through with treatment for cancer? Will I have doctors appointments every month? Will I think every new ache or pain is the cancer returning? Will I ever get my energy back? I don't know what to do...do I just trust that the doctor knows more than I do and take the medication just because he tells me to take it? Do I need to research it more and ask about alternative therapies? I wonder if I'm just a lab rat...being used to gather statistical information on how Arimidex does or does not affect estrogen in my body. I know the medication is supposed to better my odds of having a recurrence, but all of those side effects...are they worth it? I'm going to pray I don't get any of the side effects but if I do, I hope I don't experience any of the more severe ones...is that too much to ask? I don't want to go through hot flashes again...been there and done that...it was definitely no fun! Hair loss...don't want to experience that either...it takes my hair forever to grow and it's already very fine and thin. Mood swings/mental changes...I definitely don't want any of those and I know Phil won't either! I don't want him to wonder what ever happened to his sweet loving wife! I'm afraid the medication may make me be a horrible, irritable person. So much to worry about, but I can't go there. I don't want to borrow trouble. All I can do is trust my doctors and hope for the best. I know God's in control and that's all that matters. Sometimes I think Cancer sucks.