Space Cadet-ish

Space cadet:

n. A person who tends to "space out" often. He or she does not respond when directly spoken to. The space cadet is not necessarily a person of low intelligence or a heavy drug user, but rather one who is so easily lost in reverie that he or she loses all awareness of the surrounding physical world.

Yep...that's me. I haven't been able to focus on anything over the past few weeks, and while that's not too unusual, since I have probably been this way to one degree or another since I was a child, I've noticed it more of a problem recently. I have no explanation. I could try to blame in on the new medication, Tamoxifen, or I could try to blame it on post surgical depression and truth be told, it's probably a combination of both...but, I just have no desire to do anything.

To give you an example of how spacey I've been feeling, I actually deleted my blog this morning. I thought it was time to take it down. I figured no one was reading it but a few family members and maybe one or two friends, so why keep it going? Why would anyone want to read it anyway? It's full of ramblings and occasionally a philosophical post or two. I've tried to infuse my strong faith in God in most of my posts, but often, I've fallen short and have just written exactly what I was thinking at the time. No train of thought...nothing cohesive. I pity you for being here reading today if you are, because I have no unearthly idea where this post is going right now. 

The hot flashes and night sweats from the Tamoxifen have been about to drive me insane. I've already been there and done that when I went through menopause about 10 years ago. I certainly don't want to experience those symptoms again! I've even noticed some mood swings and being back on the emotional roller coaster again...oh what a fun ride, NOT! My breast surgeon told me when I was there for my 6 month check up that she would be happy to write a prescription for Effexor for me. She said it practically eliminates the hot flashes and other symptoms related to Tamoxifen. But I looked it up. Thanks Google....thanks for giving me more information I didn't need to know. Effexor is an anti-depressant. Oh. Well, I guess I could need that but why would they prescribe it for the side effects from Tamoxifen? I did more research. Apparently, Effexor has the magical medicinal properties that cancel out those hot flashes etc. because it can overpower your brain and do some weird VOODOO on your Serotonin levels making you feel good...real good. Hmm. 

If I'm a space cadet now, I wonder how I would be while taking Effexor. Would I just be a happy little space cadet? Would I just be happy to have no direction or purpose? I guess the Serotonin levels being bumped up a little couldn't be a bad thing could it? But then, I think about all the medications I am currently taking...there are 3 blood pressure meds, the medication to replace my thyroid hormone, the medication to control my acid reflux/GERD, the medication to chill out my adrenal gland hormones, the Tamoxifen - to supposedly ward off any recurring cancer by binding to and blocking any production of Estrogen in my body, and then there are all the vitamins I have to take...Potassium, Magnesium, Vitamin D, and Calcium, none of which are optional because they support the work that some of the other medications are doing.

I think I'm on a Ferris Wheel. I can see the empty seats in front of me and I know there are empty seats in back of me, even though I don't want to look and see them. The guy is about to throw the switch. I see him with the huge lever in his hands as I look way down from my position at the top. Is that a grin on his face? I think it is! My seat is starting to rock slowly backward and forward even before we begin moving. I'm trying to keep still as much as I can but it's futile. Suddenly, the lights come on along the edge of the Ferris Wheel. They look pretty! They're glowing like twinkly little Christmas lights. The music begins to play, an indescribable, unfamiliar circus tune and then....I want to get off. I know where this is going...nowhere. It's going to go around and around and around. I won't be getting anywhere. I won't be making any progress. I'm feeling a little light headed. 

So should I or shouldn't I? Do I need the new medication to help with my spaciness? I don't know. I'm afraid to take another medication. With all the ones I'm on and with all of their side effects, how can I even function? It's a wonder I can function at all...prescription medications aren't so very different from street drugs other than they are a little more controlled and regulated. They all mess with your mind and I want to keep my mind as clear as possible. I want to be able to think and remember what I was thinking. I want to keep a train of thought. I don't want to feel spacey. 

And here I am on a rainy, dreary, Sunday afternoon wondering what to do. I reinstated my blog, as you can see, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this today. I want to keep it. It's a kind of therapy. It lets me process my thoughts and nobody has to read it unless they really want to read it, but maybe, just maybe, there's someone else out there who feels the way I do at times and perhaps my blog will help them in some small way. I sure hope so. 

William Shakespeare said "Give sorrow words, the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break." I guess I'm still feeling the side effects of the emotional trauma from my surgery. Daily I feel the physical trauma but it's easier to deal with than the emotional aspects of breast cancer. I am still grieving the loss of the life I once had. For some, that may seem silly. They may take the attitude, "just suck it up and get over it. Be thankful you're alive. Be thankful they found the cancer in time. You should be overjoyed." Well, unless you've traveled a mile in my moccasins, don't judge me. I'm doing the best I can. Some days are better than others but today, I'm a little spacey. I'm sure tomorrow will be a better day.

Why do I suddenly feel the need to speak in movie lines right now. I just thought about Scarlett O'Hara and her famous movie line as she lies crying on the beautiful red carpeted staircase. She's lying there bawling and hearing the voice of her father telling her that land is the only thing that lasts, the only thing that matters. She listens intently and starts thinking about returning to Tara, her beloved home, and devising a plan to get Rhett Butler back. As the movie ends, Scarlett raises her tearful face and says..."After all, tomorrow is another day." Her comment implies there is hope...there's always hope. And I know there is. I haven't given up, I'm just on the ferris wheel trying to get there. 

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