I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster

It's been 459 days since I heard a voice on the telephone telling me I had cancer. It seems so long ago and yet, sometimes, it also feels like it just happened yesterday. That's the weird thing about cancer. It comes into your life and totally turns your world upside down and inside out. You're never the same after you hear those words and that's the part I'm learning to come to grips with. 459 days have passed since I received my life changing news. I'll never forget that day...that Thursday afternoon in June and I don't think God wants me to forget it.

I've done my best to process things on a day by day basis. It's been very difficult, I won't lie. Some days I've felt like giving up. Some days I've cried all day long but then there have also been days when I've been in a deep soul searching mode. It's felt like a roller coaster. Some days up and some days down. Some days I'm flying through the air gripping on so tightly to life that my knuckles are white with fear. But then there are other days, days when I'm so overcome with an indescribable, beautiful peace that can only come from God Himself.

I'm sure I could have attended support groups through the breast cancer wellness center in our town. I could have listened to other women sharing their struggles and pain, but I chose not to do that. I chose to fight my battle alone. It was something I had to do. I had to process things in my own way and in my own time. I cried out to God over and over. Sometimes I asked for an explanation. Sometimes I just cried and begged Him to hold me in His arms and let me feel His love surround me. Every once in a while, I dared to ask "why me?" and He lovingly chided me in His answer, "why not you?"

For people of faith, a journey like this causes immense introspection. It's a test that will prove the depth of your commitment. It's a huge floodlight shining into the deepest, darkest, crevices of your soul. For some, like me, faith is made stronger and more secure. For others, faith wavers and may crumble.

Why does God allow such suffering and devastation into lives? The answer is His alone. Sometimes He chooses to use suffering to reveal flaws...to refine and remold. Sometimes He allows it to show His great mercy and love. For whatever the reason, He allows it. He chooses it. He orders it...specifically for each individual. He deems the length of time for the suffering. He sets limits and boundaries on the pain. He mandates the beginning and the end of it. Sometimes He chooses to remove it completely and sometimes He allows it to linger a little longer.

Over these past 459 days, I've come to see things in a new light. Some days I've done extremely well and other days, I've failed horribly. It's been a roller coaster but through it all, I've learned to accept the fact that I'm not in control of the ride.

God has much to teach me still. I'm trying my best to be a diligent student and learn my lesson well. I know I've grown. I know my faith has been refined and for that, I'm very thankful. Cancer has been both a blessing and curse but, it has also been a great teacher.

Why did God handpick cancer for me? I may never know. I've spent many of the past 459 days trying to figure it out but I have no answers. Today, I listened to a beautiful song that may hold some clues as to His reasoning. The story is called "Blessings" and is by Laura Story. Listen to it by clicking on the link below and as you do, hear the verse that spoke to my heart today. It says "what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise." Could that be the answer? Could the trial of cancer in my life be His mercy in disguise? I am beginning to think so. I know He'll continue to reveal more to me in the days ahead as my ride continues. I'm so very thankful He loves me and even more thankful I trust Him in all of life's ups and downs.

Listen to Blessings by Laura Story

©bonnie annis all rights reserved