Fighting with myself

What a struggle decision making can be at times, especially when those decisions can impact your life in ways that may not always be positive. I have a big decision to make and I don't know what to do. I've been struggling with this decision for several weeks now. Weighing the pros and cons hasn't made it any easier. Talking with my husband hasn't brought me any peace either. I've taken it to God and haven't received a clear answer....it's been really challenging. So what's the big decision? Well, here goes.

When you have breast cancer, no one gives you a set plan on how things are going to proceed. Sure, the doctors tell you what they want to do and supposedly they gather together with all the physicians on your "team" and meet to discuss you case. This meeting is called a "tumor board." It allows the doctors to share their opinions and suggest the best course of treatment for their patient. (I would have liked to have been a fly on the wall when my doctors were meeting about me. I wonder what they said. But, regrettably, I wasn't invited to attend.) When the decision was made for my healthcare, I was told what they had decided. Of course, I had the right to refuse their treatment plan, but who was I? I didn't have the medical expertise to balk at their suggestions so I accepted them and followed them, to a degree.

Before deciding what I'd do, I did a lot of research. I read many books. I searched for hours on the web. I wanted to make an informed decision and when I met with my oncologist to discuss the treatment plan, I was able to present my reasons based on case histories and test results. I think Dr. Feinstein was impressed.

The original plan in my case was to be surgery, chemotherapy and radiation followed by anti-hormone therapy for five years. I'd read so many horror stories about chemo so I made a  point to talk with my doctor about it. When I asked him point blank to tell me, if I were his wife or daughter, if he would recommend chemotherapy for me, he was frank. He told me no. I was surprised by his answer but I was glad he was truthful. It made me respect him even more. So, I didn't do chemo. I did, however, do radiation treatments. Don't ask me why because I really don't know. I knew chemo was really bad for me because it was putting poison into my system. I knew it would make me extremely ill, cause my hair to fall out and cause me to become extremely nauseated and fatigued. I knew I would get much worse before I got any better. With the radiation, I figured it wouldn't be too bad because I'd already had a good bit of radiation from past x-rays and other tests. I knew you couldn't really feel it, so I did it. Boy was I wrong. About halfway through my treatments, my skin was burned severely and I became so fatigued I could barely move. (But, I made it through 28 rounds! In fact, I was supposed to have had 33 rounds with 5 booster rounds at the end and the radiation oncologist told me I'd done so well she was able to reduce my treatment plan. I was so glad to hear that.) Now those treatments are over and the next phase of my treatment should have already begun. In fact, it should have begun last August.

The third phase of my treatment was to be anti-hormone therapy. Since I was post menopausal, the oncologist wanted to put me on an aromatase inhibitor or AI, as they call them, so he started me on Arimidex. Arimidex was fairly new and there wasn't a lot of data on it. I tried to read and find as much as I could on it. I read about the side effects and prayed I wouldn't have any of them as I started the medication. Unfortunately, I had all of them! I knew after a few weeks, I wouldn't be able to stay on this medication. I called the doctor and told him. He explained the type cancer I had (invasive ductal carcinoma stage 2B with metastasis to the lymph nodes) was fed by both Estrogen and Progesterone. He told me if we didn't block those hormones, the chances of the cancer coming back were very real. He suggested I try Tamoxifen, the old tried and true breast cancer medication. So, being the good girl that I am, I tried it. It did the same thing Arimidex did plus some.

After having been on 2 different anti-hormone therapies and having bad results, I decided to go the natural route. I made huge changes to my diet. I began taking all sorts of supplements. I was determined I was going to live and I talked to God about it. I felt like I was doing the right thing, until this past doctor's visit with a new oncologist.

The new doctor wanted me to be on anti-hormone therapy and was insistent about my taking a drug and taking it now. He wanted me to be on Aromasin, also called Exemestane. He made me feel like it was urgent and that's where my struggle comes in. I just don't know what to do. While I want to do what's best for my body, I also want to live.

I looked at my face in the mirror today and I saw tiny little peach fuzz hairs all along the outer edges of my face. This is an indicator that my body is continuing to produce Estrogen...not a good sign where cancer is concerned, especially cancers that are fed by Estrogen. And I thought maybe I should be taking the medication to block it. But then again, I thought God made my body produce Estrogen for a reason...to give me healthy skin, hair, bones, nails, etc. If I took some medication that blocked that hormone, wouldn't that be detrimental to my body? Of course, it would! That's why my hair would start falling out and my bones would start thinning and I'd be at a greater risk of fractures and moods would change and I'd be so tired and fatigued all the time. So what's a girl to do????

I've been fighting with myself all day trying to justify doing what the doctor said. I talked to my husband about it and he wants me to try the medication for one month and see how I do on it. I'm afraid.

Sometimes I just wish God would speak in a loud, clear, audible voice and tell me what to do. I wish I could hear Him say, "YES, BONNIE, TAKE THE MEDICINE OR NO, BONNIE, JUST TRUST ME." I have a big faith and I know God's in control but sometimes, I think he uses doctors to accomplish His plan too. Maybe I'm totally wrong on this. Maybe I'm not making the right decision, but I guess I'll do what my husband and the doctor want me to do...I'll try the medication for one month. If I experience any bad side effects, I can stop the medication immediately. And maybe, just maybe, I won't have any at all and that would be wonderful!

There are days when I wish I could just turn back the hands of time. I wish I could go back to my pre-cancer days. I wish I had found a doctor who would have been a little less aggressive in being so eager to perform surgery and follow the standard breast cancer treatment plan. It's so hard to know the right thing to do. All you can do is trust your heart and do what you feel is best for you. Sometimes you make a great decision and other times, maybe not, but really and truly, it's your body and you're the only one who can decide what's best for you and your situation.

I'm still not really sure what I'm supposed to do, but I'm going to do it anyway and hope for the best. I'm not taking the attitude that I'll just make a decision and expect God to bless it...I'd never be so bold or presumptuous. But even if I take the medication, I can choose to trust God while taking it. I can ask Him to protect me from severe side effects and I believe He will. On the other hand, if I don't take it, I trust God enough to know He is fully capable of completely healing me if He chooses to do so. He's also capable of keeping the cancer from ever recurring.

Maybe my sister's voice keeps echoing in my head. When I told her, after my last medical report that I was cancer free, she said, "you've dodge a bullet this time." Maybe I keep thinking she was right and maybe I should have stayed on medication the entire time instead of taking almost an entire year off with nothing.

Tomorrow is the first day of the new year. I'll be entering my second year of life after being diagnosed with breast cancer. I want to be around for as long as God will allow. Medicine or no medicine...that is the $50,000 question...

That bottle of Aromasin is sitting in my cabinet. I see it every day when I open the doors. I keep feeling like I'm supposed to take it. Would God prompt me to take the medicine? Maybe. I just don't know...but tomorrow, after we've rung in the new year, I'll take the first pill out of the bottle. I'll get a glass of water and chase it down while saying a prayer asking God for His protection. Some folks might think I'm making a big deal out of nothing but really, I'm not.

Every decision I make in my life, I bathe in prayer. I have to because my faith is my anchor. I don't always have a clear answer and those are the times I think God really wants me to step out in faith, so I do. This is one of those times. I'll keep you posted. In the meantime, happy New Year's eve.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved