Don't look for trouble

I've been off of the Aromasin for 4 days now and I feel so much better! I know it's still going to take some time to get all of it out of my system, but I can feel a marked difference. 

Saturday morning I began to get very nauseated. At first, I thought it was something I had eaten, but I quickly ruled that out as I remembered I'd gone cold turkey from my cancer medication. It was terrible! My stomach felt worse than it ever had before...even worse than morning sickness or the flu! I couldn't keep anything down, not even saltines or ginger-ale. I was pitiful. My sweet husband tried his best to take care of me. I spent the entire day in the bathroom clinging to the toilet or in the bed moaning and groaning. It was not a pretty sight. 

Maybe I should have researched the medication a little before deciding to abruptly stop taking it. I didn't even think about the dangers of going cold turkey...I just knew I had to stop because of what it was doing to my body. I prayed before deciding to stop and felt a peace about my decision. My husband agreed with me, so I knew it would be okay. (I haven't discussed it with my oncologist yet, but I plan to call him soon and let him know. I'm sure he won't be happy about my decision, but he'll just have to accept it. I have to do what is best for my quality of life, after all, it's my body.)

It was no surprise when fear came creeping in later that day and the "what ifs" started filling my head with nonsense. I had to quickly rid my mind of wondering about a recurrence of cancer now that I had no medication to keep it away...funny how Satan always tries to attack me with that, but my God is bigger! And why would I go looking for trouble anyway??? 

The more I thought about it, the more I wondered how often we worry needlessly, seek out problems, or fret over things we can’t control? God tells us, “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” Philippians 4:6. Our minds can get so wrapped up in worry that we miss the blessings of the day. I have a choice to worry about the cancer coming back or to celebrate the fact that it is gone. I want to spend every day praising God for healing me and giving me cancer free days, not anxiously wondering if it will return.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” Matt. 6:25-34

What does worry do for us anyway? There is no good in it. While we are to be responsible with our lives and our health, there is no need to fear. I plan to take good care of my cancer free body: eat nutritious food, exercise, actively manage stress, rest well, praise the God who saved me, spend time with family and friends, and refuse to worry! I'm not going to go looking for trouble. Each day God chooses to give me is a gift and I plan to look forward to it and celebrate it. 

This is a new year and it's high time I start focusing on the blessing of life God has set before me. I refuse to let fear have power over me any more. I am no longer going to allow those thoughts of recurrence to enter my mind. The Bible tells me I am to hold EVERY thought captive. 2 Corinthians 10:4–5 says, “For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh. But the weapons of our warfare have divine power to destroy strongholds.[First,] we destroy arguments and every lofty or proud opinion raised against the knowledge of God and [second,] we then take every thought captive.” 

I know I'm in the midst of warfare. Satan wants me to be fearful and worry. He wants me to wonder every day if the cancer has returned and is growing somewhere in my body. But God wants my focus to be on Him and to remember He is in control! That is why it's so important for me to keep my blinders on and to keep my eyes fixed on Christ. If I don't keep looking straight ahead, I might just find myself looking for trouble and I certainly don't want that!

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

The word is Joy

Every New Year's Eve, I ask God to give me a word on which to focus throughout the year. Last year, my word was TRUST. This year, God gave me the word JOY. I have to admit, I wasn't expecting this to be the word He'd chosen for me, but I know He has His reasons. Last year, when He gave me the word TRUST, I never dreamed I'd rely on that one word so much in my life, but God knew. Last year was filled with challenges that I never could have managed to meet without trusting Him for wisdom, guidance, and direction.

Years ago, I started the tradition of seeking God for His specific word for me at the beginning of the new year. I don't remember what prompted me to do it, it must have been something I'd read somewhere. Maybe it was something one of my favorite Christian authors encouraged or maybe it was a blog post I'd read on the internet...in any event, I thought it was a good habit to get into, so I adopted it for myself.

So this year's word is JOY. When I feel God speaking to my heart about a specific word, I usually begin by asking Him to confirm what I'm hearing. I do this by spending a lot of time in prayer and by digging into the Bible. When I am sure of the word He's given, the next thing I do is look up all the definitions I can find of that word, even if I already know what it means. By doing this, I always learn something new.

Joy's definition:
1, the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation.
2. a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated.
3. the expression or display of glad feeling; festive gaiety.
4. a state of happiness or felicity.

Okay, so I've got the meaning of the word. The next thing I do is find verses in the Bible that contain the word and then I study them individually. My Bible is the Amplified version and I love it because it contains extra information gleaned from the original Greek and Hebrew. For example, here's the first couple of verses I want to focus on this year, James 1:2-3. The New International version of the Bible says it this way: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,
3 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." But look at how much more detail the Amplified Bible gives: "Consider it nothing but joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you fall into various trials. Be assured that the testing of your faith [through experience] produces endurance [leading to spiritual maturity, and inner peace]." With that verse in mind, I then begin to apply it to my life and ask God to help me understand what He has to say to me from that verse. 

If you've been reading my blog since it's inception, you'll know I've written a little on this subject before, but please allow me to touch on it once again. How is it possible to consider cancer with joy? The only way to do it is to see it through God's eyes and to know He allowed it into my life. And no, when I was first diagnosed, I did not in any way, shape, or form consider breast cancer to be joyful. I felt abandoned and forgotten. I felt bewildered and alone. But, since my diagnosis, God has taken me on a wonderful journey. He's increased my faith exponentially throughout this ordeal. 

It's only been 18 months since I received my initial diagnosis. In that year and a half, I have been through so much emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Would I change anything over that period of time? Not really. I might have changed the way I reacted and the way I perceived things, but I wouldn't change anything else. Oh, sure! I wish I'd never been given the horrible news that cancer was residing in my body, but looking back...even what was meant to destroy me has been used for my good. 

Only God could know that sending the trial of breast cancer my way would produce in me the desired spiritual maturity He deemed necessary. Don't get me wrong...I certainly have not learned all He wants to teach me through this and I'm sure there are still many bumps in the road ahead. With His grace and mercy, I'll meet those difficult times and hopefully, I'll be able to squeeze a little joy into the journey. 

Joy. Yes, Lord. I agree. It's a fitting word for me this year. I haven't focused much on joy lately, in fact, I think I've been far from it with my complaining and my griping. I've been caught up in all the discomfort I've been feeling with my swollen arms, the bulging discs in my back, and the physical fatigue. Pain isn't very joyful. I haven't been feeling joy at all. I can't even remember the last time I rejoiced. So thank you, God, for giving me this word for the year. I look forward to what you have to teach me about joy and rejoicing. Today, another Bible verse just popped into my head as I was about to wind up this post - "This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24. 

Yes, it's often easier, especially when you're feeling rotten to complain, but I don't want to always do that. Joy is a choice and today, I choose joy!

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Another new year

It's so hard to believe today is January 1, 2016. It sounds so unreal...two thousand sixteen...wow! When I was a child growing up in the late 1950's and early 1960's, I never dreamed I'd even exist in the year 2016. It was fun to watch the Jetsons on TV and dream of the future, but to be in the middle of it is incomprehensible. Celebrating another new year has caused me to really take things in perspective and to really focus on time.

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, I removed my watch and haven't put it back on since. I didn't want to be cognizant of time. I wanted to learn to live in the moment and for the past year and a half, it's been wonderful to do just that very thing. I've found myself being more present. Time has taken on a new meaning. Isn't it strange that it took cancer to give me this gift? The beautiful ugliness of cancer has caused all things important in my life to rise to the surface. I've learned to let the things that didn't matter slough off like dead skin on the bottom of dry, hard, calloused feet. The things that matter are in front of me now...front and center...my faith, my family, my friends.

Today, I was forced to consider time in a new way. Instead of focusing on the present, I looked to the future. I wondered how much time I have left on this journey. I don't think about my life that way very often, but as I looked at the bottle of Aromasin sitting in my cabinet, I couldn't help but wonder if it would help prolong my life...perhaps help buy a little more time.

I'd had that bottle of Aromasin sitting in the cabinet for a little over a week and a half. The oncologist had given it and instructed me to begin taking it right away but I didn't. I had to think long and hard about it, but this was the day. I'd talked with my husband about whether or not he thought I should take it. We'd sat at the kitchen table joining hands and asking God for wisdom and direction. We'd asked for His protection. I picked up the pill bottle and held it in my hand turning it around and around. Should I or shouldn't I? I wasn't really sure but Phil said I should at least try it for a month. One month. We'd decided it was a good idea to try this medication for one month, kind of a trial run. We wanted to see if it would really help. Our hope was it would provide a way to gain more time.

I looked at the tiny white pill as it rested in the fleshy folds of my hand. It was so minuscule and yet, it contained a very powerful formulation of medication. How could such a little pill pack such a powerful punch to the hormone Estrogen in my body? I didn't understand it and didn't pretend to, I just took the pill.

The Aromasin went down easily with a glass of water. As I took it, I prayed I wouldn't experience the nasty side effects that went along with this type of medication. I didn't want my hair to fall out and I didn't want to have my bones become brittle and weak. It was scary taking this risk.

Time. Before me lie 365 days of unknown future. As I write this, I stare at a little plaque that sits on my desk. It says, "I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know who holds tomorrow." As I think about my past, my present and my future, I know God has always been there and always will be. As I wonder about what's in store for me in this new year, one of my favorite verses of Scripture pops into my head - " For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 That verse is one I cling to on a daily basis, especially now.

It's hard to explain the way breast cancer has changed my perspective on life. Others who've suffered from cancer or debilitating diseases can probably understand a little more easily than those of you who are in perfectly good health. I guess what I hope to convey in this post is my desire to cherish each and every moment God sees fit to give me. I don't want to take any of them for granted like I did in the past and that is why I can honestly say cancer has been a gift. It's been a teaching gift, one that has taught me such valuable lessons I might never have learned had I not been given the opportunity to walk this path.

Have you ever noticed the name of my blog? I named it Journey Into Pink. I wanted to choose a name that would embody how I saw my experience with cancer. A journey is defined as:

1. a traveling from one place to another, usually taking a rather long time
2. a period of travel
3. passage or progress from one stage to another

I never intended to spend any length of time on the road with cancer. My intention was to walk through it and come out victorious on the other side. I always have seen myself as a sojourner, a traveler passing through this life. One thing I've learned on my journey is God's timing determines the length and duration of my journey. 

So this year, as I begin the first day of this new segment of my life, I am grateful. When I got out of bed this morning, the first thing I did was give thanks to God for another day of life. I may not know how many days I have left, but I know who holds my future. 

There are 29 pills left in that bottle. I will take another tomorrow morning. Yes, I will pray again and hope for the best but I will choose not to be afraid of tomorrow. My time is in His hands and I will choose to take it one moment at a time.

Before my cancer diagnosis, I waited on the big moments in my life while trying to live faithfully through the small ones. Now, that way of life feels so strange to me. I live in the big, open grace of the small moments and wait expectantly and humbly for the big moments to come. The small things have come to matter so much more...a fire in the fireplace, a mug of tea in my hand, the smile of a grandchild, a kiss from my husband...all of those things are priceless treasures of time. Cancer has slowed me down and caused me to see more clearly. I hope this new year will help you see things in a new light. It's so easy to take moments for granted...they slip away so quickly and when they're gone, you can never get them back. Hold on tightly to the things that matter most and let the rest fall away. It's a new day...a new year, a new chance at learning to live life well. I hope you choose wisely. 

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Fighting with myself

What a struggle decision making can be at times, especially when those decisions can impact your life in ways that may not always be positive. I have a big decision to make and I don't know what to do. I've been struggling with this decision for several weeks now. Weighing the pros and cons hasn't made it any easier. Talking with my husband hasn't brought me any peace either. I've taken it to God and haven't received a clear answer....it's been really challenging. So what's the big decision? Well, here goes.

When you have breast cancer, no one gives you a set plan on how things are going to proceed. Sure, the doctors tell you what they want to do and supposedly they gather together with all the physicians on your "team" and meet to discuss you case. This meeting is called a "tumor board." It allows the doctors to share their opinions and suggest the best course of treatment for their patient. (I would have liked to have been a fly on the wall when my doctors were meeting about me. I wonder what they said. But, regrettably, I wasn't invited to attend.) When the decision was made for my healthcare, I was told what they had decided. Of course, I had the right to refuse their treatment plan, but who was I? I didn't have the medical expertise to balk at their suggestions so I accepted them and followed them, to a degree.

Before deciding what I'd do, I did a lot of research. I read many books. I searched for hours on the web. I wanted to make an informed decision and when I met with my oncologist to discuss the treatment plan, I was able to present my reasons based on case histories and test results. I think Dr. Feinstein was impressed.

The original plan in my case was to be surgery, chemotherapy and radiation followed by anti-hormone therapy for five years. I'd read so many horror stories about chemo so I made a  point to talk with my doctor about it. When I asked him point blank to tell me, if I were his wife or daughter, if he would recommend chemotherapy for me, he was frank. He told me no. I was surprised by his answer but I was glad he was truthful. It made me respect him even more. So, I didn't do chemo. I did, however, do radiation treatments. Don't ask me why because I really don't know. I knew chemo was really bad for me because it was putting poison into my system. I knew it would make me extremely ill, cause my hair to fall out and cause me to become extremely nauseated and fatigued. I knew I would get much worse before I got any better. With the radiation, I figured it wouldn't be too bad because I'd already had a good bit of radiation from past x-rays and other tests. I knew you couldn't really feel it, so I did it. Boy was I wrong. About halfway through my treatments, my skin was burned severely and I became so fatigued I could barely move. (But, I made it through 28 rounds! In fact, I was supposed to have had 33 rounds with 5 booster rounds at the end and the radiation oncologist told me I'd done so well she was able to reduce my treatment plan. I was so glad to hear that.) Now those treatments are over and the next phase of my treatment should have already begun. In fact, it should have begun last August.

The third phase of my treatment was to be anti-hormone therapy. Since I was post menopausal, the oncologist wanted to put me on an aromatase inhibitor or AI, as they call them, so he started me on Arimidex. Arimidex was fairly new and there wasn't a lot of data on it. I tried to read and find as much as I could on it. I read about the side effects and prayed I wouldn't have any of them as I started the medication. Unfortunately, I had all of them! I knew after a few weeks, I wouldn't be able to stay on this medication. I called the doctor and told him. He explained the type cancer I had (invasive ductal carcinoma stage 2B with metastasis to the lymph nodes) was fed by both Estrogen and Progesterone. He told me if we didn't block those hormones, the chances of the cancer coming back were very real. He suggested I try Tamoxifen, the old tried and true breast cancer medication. So, being the good girl that I am, I tried it. It did the same thing Arimidex did plus some.

After having been on 2 different anti-hormone therapies and having bad results, I decided to go the natural route. I made huge changes to my diet. I began taking all sorts of supplements. I was determined I was going to live and I talked to God about it. I felt like I was doing the right thing, until this past doctor's visit with a new oncologist.

The new doctor wanted me to be on anti-hormone therapy and was insistent about my taking a drug and taking it now. He wanted me to be on Aromasin, also called Exemestane. He made me feel like it was urgent and that's where my struggle comes in. I just don't know what to do. While I want to do what's best for my body, I also want to live.

I looked at my face in the mirror today and I saw tiny little peach fuzz hairs all along the outer edges of my face. This is an indicator that my body is continuing to produce Estrogen...not a good sign where cancer is concerned, especially cancers that are fed by Estrogen. And I thought maybe I should be taking the medication to block it. But then again, I thought God made my body produce Estrogen for a reason...to give me healthy skin, hair, bones, nails, etc. If I took some medication that blocked that hormone, wouldn't that be detrimental to my body? Of course, it would! That's why my hair would start falling out and my bones would start thinning and I'd be at a greater risk of fractures and moods would change and I'd be so tired and fatigued all the time. So what's a girl to do????

I've been fighting with myself all day trying to justify doing what the doctor said. I talked to my husband about it and he wants me to try the medication for one month and see how I do on it. I'm afraid.

Sometimes I just wish God would speak in a loud, clear, audible voice and tell me what to do. I wish I could hear Him say, "YES, BONNIE, TAKE THE MEDICINE OR NO, BONNIE, JUST TRUST ME." I have a big faith and I know God's in control but sometimes, I think he uses doctors to accomplish His plan too. Maybe I'm totally wrong on this. Maybe I'm not making the right decision, but I guess I'll do what my husband and the doctor want me to do...I'll try the medication for one month. If I experience any bad side effects, I can stop the medication immediately. And maybe, just maybe, I won't have any at all and that would be wonderful!

There are days when I wish I could just turn back the hands of time. I wish I could go back to my pre-cancer days. I wish I had found a doctor who would have been a little less aggressive in being so eager to perform surgery and follow the standard breast cancer treatment plan. It's so hard to know the right thing to do. All you can do is trust your heart and do what you feel is best for you. Sometimes you make a great decision and other times, maybe not, but really and truly, it's your body and you're the only one who can decide what's best for you and your situation.

I'm still not really sure what I'm supposed to do, but I'm going to do it anyway and hope for the best. I'm not taking the attitude that I'll just make a decision and expect God to bless it...I'd never be so bold or presumptuous. But even if I take the medication, I can choose to trust God while taking it. I can ask Him to protect me from severe side effects and I believe He will. On the other hand, if I don't take it, I trust God enough to know He is fully capable of completely healing me if He chooses to do so. He's also capable of keeping the cancer from ever recurring.

Maybe my sister's voice keeps echoing in my head. When I told her, after my last medical report that I was cancer free, she said, "you've dodge a bullet this time." Maybe I keep thinking she was right and maybe I should have stayed on medication the entire time instead of taking almost an entire year off with nothing.

Tomorrow is the first day of the new year. I'll be entering my second year of life after being diagnosed with breast cancer. I want to be around for as long as God will allow. Medicine or no medicine...that is the $50,000 question...

That bottle of Aromasin is sitting in my cabinet. I see it every day when I open the doors. I keep feeling like I'm supposed to take it. Would God prompt me to take the medicine? Maybe. I just don't know...but tomorrow, after we've rung in the new year, I'll take the first pill out of the bottle. I'll get a glass of water and chase it down while saying a prayer asking God for His protection. Some folks might think I'm making a big deal out of nothing but really, I'm not.

Every decision I make in my life, I bathe in prayer. I have to because my faith is my anchor. I don't always have a clear answer and those are the times I think God really wants me to step out in faith, so I do. This is one of those times. I'll keep you posted. In the meantime, happy New Year's eve.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Abiding

Serenberry Vineyards

This time last year I was doing an intense amount of reading, studying, and journaling. It was a very difficult time for me as I was understanding how to deal with the diagnosis of breast cancer. And just like always, when I'm lost and feel out of control...I always turn to the Bible for direction. God is my constant. His Word is my compass for navigating life. When I need answers, I can always find them there. 

Inevitably, as I was reading, I was drawn back to one of my favorite passages of all times found in the book of John, chapter 15.  I've read this chapter over and over again and it always speaks to my heart. In fact, John 15:5 is my life verse. ("If you abide in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit, for without Me, you can do nothing.") This time, while reading, one word kept jumping off the page at me. The word was ABIDE. I felt strongly that I needed to do some research on the word and its history, so I did. 

There were two definitions I came across:

1. accept or act in accordance with (a rule, decision, or recommendation)

synonyms: comply with, obey, observe, follow, keep to, hold to, conform to,adhere to, stick to, stand by, act in accordance with, uphold, heed, accept, go along with, acknowledge, respect, defer to 

2. (of a feeling or a memory) continue without fading or being lost.
synonyms: continue, remain, survive, last, persist, stay, live on

Grapes on the vine

Abide. God was teaching me that it was to be my word for the year. The more I mulled over the definitions for the word abide, the more I felt God wanted to wrap me up in it! And He didn't just want me to be wrapped up in it, He wanted me to feel the coziness of it too...just like being wrapped up in a warm, fuzzy blanket sitting in my recliner sipping hot chocolate in front of a roaring fire in the fireplace kind of cozy. He wanted me to understand it deeply. He wanted me to learn to abide in Christ. To abide in His love, His sacrifice, His plan, His purpose, His perfection, His life.

A vineyard is the perfect place to learn and understand about abiding. When I was in the mountains of North Georgia last fall, I took these photos of a little vineyard there, Serenberry Vineyards. It was a great weekend trip and the weather was perfect. We got to meet the owners of the vineyard and ask them questions about how their wine was made. As we listened, we understood how much they loved their grapes and how they devoted such tender care to them. They explained it took a lot of hard work to prune and trim the vines, but it also took a lot of dedication to make sure the vines were strong and healthy enough to produce good fruit. The vine held all the sustenance. The grapes, the fruit, were only byproducts of what the vine had freely given. 

The word Abide has become a balm to my soul. It is so deep and rich with meaning. It's a beautiful five letter word that sends my mind directly where it should, toward my Father, the One in Whom I abide. It has become a pathway I trail over and over again. I want it to become a daily habit, an involuntary action of life's journey. My heart's desire is to Abide in Him every day, in everything. 

Ripe lucious fruit

Learning to abide may be just one of the most freeing, most exciting, very best lessons God has ever taught me. When I abide, I don't have to DO anything. I just rest in His love and trust in His person. I am IN Him and He is IN me. We are one....that is abiding. And believe me, it feels so good to be wrapped up in that kind of cozy!

It's not so bad being a sheep!

Have you ever really thought about Psalm 23, you know, the Lord is my Shepherd? You've probably heard it a millions times but I bet you haven't thought about this part.

First of all, get the picture in your mind. The Bible says the Lord is your Shepherd...that means, you're a sheep. It says He leads you, He restores, you, He guides you...He's in charge and you are not. You follow. He leads. Got it?

Well, as you continue on, you'll read this in verse 6, "surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever." Did you see it? Goodness and mercy will FOLLOW you. That means, they come behind you. They follow.

You don't see the goodness and mercy until you look back on what God's done in your life. Yes, He's always working ahead of us preparing and protecting and providing but we don't usually realize what He's done until we look back and remember!

When we look back and recount all the wonderful blessings He's given us, how He's provided for our needs, how He's been with us every step of the way, we can surely say "surely goodness and mercy will follow me..."

Aren't you glad He's the Shepherd and you're the sheep? That's why it's so important that we learn to follow His leading. That's why we need to remember to look back and remember all He's done and we also need to understand that we are never to lean on our own understanding. Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us to "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."

It's not so bad being a sheep! We have a great Shepherd who goes before us and makes sure the path is straight. He is such a good Shepherd and we should be very grateful sheep.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Have you ever robbed someone of a blessing?

It was in the summer of 1991. I remember it so well. I'd just gotten out of the hospital. I'd been involved in a serious motor vehicle accident and I'd almost lost my right leg. The orthopedic surgeon told my family I was lucky he'd been on call. He was the best Orthopedist in Northeast Georgia. Instead of losing my leg to amputation, he'd been able to put it back together with 5 steel rods and an external fixator. Yes, he was very good at what he did, but I know God had orchestrated many events during that year and I'm going to tell you about a few of them.

I'm pretty stubborn and even though I was in a wheelchair, I tried to do everything myself. (At that time, I was divorced with 4 young children.) Life was really hard but I wasn't about to give up. Little did I know it, but God was about to teach me a valuable lesson in pride.

We lived in the country about an hour away from any close family and while I did the best I could, it was difficult not having a car and not being able to drive. Day in and day out, I'd roll around in my wheelchair trying to take care of the children and the housework. My oldest child, a son, was almost 16 at the time. He did what he could to help but he had highschool and friends. I didn't want to have to need him, but I did. He shouldered a lot more responsibility than he should have at that young age because he knew I was limited in my physical abilities. I relied on him a lot. He did the yard work, dishes by hand, helped with laundry, and helped with the younger children. But try as he might, he just couldn't do all I needed him to do.

The girls helped too. I had three daughters, the youngest at the time was almost 2 years old. Girls are a little more domestic and my oldest daughter was such a big help. She did the things I couldn't ask my son to do...like bathe her little sister. (Our house wasn't wheelchair accessible and I couldn't get through the doors.)

Preparing meals was difficult too. I barely could reach the kitchen counters from my seated position. Often times, I'd have to call on one of the children to reach things for me and through teamwork, we made things happen.

There were complications after surgery. I got a staph infection and was in a lot of pain. My leg wasn't healing and there was no bone growth. Monthly visits to the surgeon were stressful and he was honest in his concerns. If my leg didn't start to heal, I might indeed lose it. My circulation was so bad that my foot was a dark bluish black. I was worried.

It was a very difficult time for all of us and many nights I went to bed in tears. I was in a lot of physical pain although I tried my best to hide if from the children. I cried over the things I couldn't do. I wept for my children and for the responsibilities they were carrying. I prayed an awful lot, especially for our financial situation, which was non-existent. At first I felt like all of my prayers were just bouncing off the ceiling but then things started happening.

We were members of a tiny little country church called Harmony Hall Baptist Church. The people there were loving and kind. We'd been members there before the accident happened and had been regular attenders. After the accident, I was unable to drive us to the services so I called the church one afternoon. I knew we needed to be spiritually fed. I told the preacher about our predicament. We had a very long conversation. Before we hung up, he offered to have his wife come pick us up for services on Sunday morning. I was so thankful!

Before Sunday rolled around, I heard a knock at the door one morning. When I opened it, there was no one there but on the steps was a large box of food. I had no idea who had brought it to us, but we were desperately in need and very grateful!

The next day, I received a phone call. When I answered the call, a man's voice told me that he was going to pay our electric bill for the next year. I thought it was a prank call and as I was about to hang up, the gentleman said, "I'm not going to reveal my name, but I am telling you the truth. I will pay your electricity for one year. God has told me to do this." I could barely believe my ears and as I hung up, I wondered if it was really true...the following month, I found out he had been telling the truth. The day our power bill was due, I didn't have money to pay it. I called the power company to make arrangements and was told I didn't need to worry about it. There was a large credit placed on our account and it would cover our bill for the next 12 months!

God continued to bless us during my recovery period with material gifts like that. Members of our church blessed us with homemade meals and transportation to events for the children. Baseball uniforms were purchased and team dues were paid. Christmas gifts were provided. God did so much for us...more than we could have ever imagined, and then He sent Mrs. Inez.

Mrs. Inez was a widow in our church. She must have been in her late seventies or early eighties. She was a petite woman and very frail. She lived alone and enjoyed her independence. She drove a big 1969 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Everyone in the church knew her car because it was so big and long. I always wondered how she could see over the dashboard when she drove because she was so small.

One day, Mrs. Inez pulled up into my driveway. The children were at school and I was there alone. When she rang the doorbell, I rolled my wheelchair over to answer it. Mrs. Inez stood there in her little sweater and plaid skirt. She looked so prim and proper. In her soft but shaky voice, she said "Hello, I'm here to mop your floor." My mouth must have dropped open as I couldn't believe what I was hearing. After I'd processed it, I let her in and said, "Mrs. Inez, it's so nice to see you. I understand you want to mop my floor but I can't let you do that. Why don't we just sit in here and visit a little while?" She looked at me and didn't say anything for a few minutes, then she said, again, "I've come to mop your floor." I'm sure I looked surprised when I told her my floor was "just fine and didn't need mopping." She came in and I motioned for her to take a seat on the sofa. I kept talking and trying to think of interesting things to share with her and keep her mind off of the mopping. We visited and talked for about thirty minutes. Suddenly she stood up and began to walk toward the door. I noticed how tiny she was and how her back was bent from aging. She turned to look at me and when she did, I saw the tears in her eyes. I wondered what in the world was wrong. I thought we'd had a nice visit. She looked at me intensely and said in a determined tone, "Today God told me to come and mop your floor. You have robbed me of a blessing." Her hand opened the door and she went out. Before she shut the door, her words hit me like a ton of bricks. What was I thinking? I'd prayed and asked God to provide help for us. He'd heard and honored my prayers by sending groceries, meals, transportation, and even an old lady to mop my floor. I'd never heard of robbing someone of a blessing before...had I really robbed her?

I watched as Mrs. Inez pulled out of my driveway. Suddenly, I felt so ashamed. Mrs. Inez was a godly woman. I knew she devoted much time to prayer and studying the Word of God. If God had spoken to her heart and told her specifically to come and mop my floor, who was I to deny her that privilege? I realized in that instant that I had been very prideful. I hadn't wanted Mrs. Inez to mop my floor because I was afraid of her inability to do so. I hadn't been worried about this little old lady slipping and falling. I hadn't given one thought to how she would manage to pick up the heavy bucket filled with water or how she'd be able to wring the mop. My concerns were all about me. I didn't want Mrs. Inez to see my dirty floor, the one that hadn't been mopped in months since my accident. There was a lot of dirt on that floor with four children tracking in and out several times a day.

To this day, I'll never forget the sight of poor Mrs. Inez with her head hung low and tears in her eyes walking out my front door. I'll never forget the words she spoke, "...you've robbed me of a blessing." I was a thief. I'd taken away a blessing that God wanted to give her by honoring her obedience. Who did I think I was?

If only I'd met her at the door and agreed to let her mop my floor...we'd both have received a blessing. I would have had a shiny, clean floor and she would have received God's blessing, too, for doing as she'd been told.

It's been 24 years since Mrs. Inez came to visit me. I can hear her words echo in my heart like they were yesterday. What a valuable lesson God taught me that day and one I'll never forget. To this day, if someone offers to do something for me, I happily agree. I don't ever want to be accused of robbing someone of a blessing again.

The Bible says in James 2:16-17 "And one of you says to them, “Go in peace [with my blessing], [keep] warm and feed yourselves,” but he does not give them the necessities for the body, what good does that do? So too, faith, if it does not have works [to back it up], is by itself dead [inoperative and ineffective]." Mrs. Inez put her faith into action. How about you? Do you practice what you preach?

God works in mysterious ways and you never know when He's going to answer your prayers by sending someone to do something you'd never expect. Be on the lookout...His angels are everywhere, and sometimes they're driving 1969 Delta Olds 88s.

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

The Unexpected

The pain in my spine prompted the Radiation Oncologist to order a complete spinal MRI which revealed a mass at L5. Next week, I'm scheduled for a PET scan. Now, I could choose to look at this from the perspective that most folks would, the practical, in your face, way...oh no, there's a mass at L5! Has the cancer metastasized? Or...I could choose to look at it the way a person of faith would, hmmm...the pain I was having in my back got so uncomfortable that I mentioned it to my doctor, who in turn, decided to be proactive and ordered an MRI of my full spine. The results of that test, while not what I expected, revealed several things...degenerative disk disease, a couple of bulging disks and something suspicious at L5. The L5 problem might never have been discovered had I not had pain in my upper back so I have to be thankful God allowed me to have the pain. No, I don't understand it and I certainly didn't expect to hear that anything showed up on the MRI report, but I'm thankful it did.

Two Radiologists read the MRI report and both of them concurred. One of them wanted to biopsy it but felt it was too dangerous to attempt. I've prayed about all of this and I've asked God to take complete control...so even if I find out the cancer has spread, I have to continue to trust that He knows what He's doing in allowing it to progress.

I have a large vinyl wall graphic up in one of my guest bedrooms. It says, "When you can't see God's hand, Trust His heart." It's so hard to trust what you can't see, isn't it? It's really hard for a visual person like me, but...God has an excellent track record and I've learned through my life that He is trustworthy. It takes great effort to trust what you can't see but it's doable and the results are in His hands.

The human side of me admits that I'm scared. I watched as my aunt died from breast cancer that metastasized into her bones. She was in a tremendous amount of constant pain. I remember visiting her in hospice, during her last days, and she told me to be sure and love others. Even in her terrible pain, she wanted to impart that knowledge. I prayed that day and asked God to never let me experience her type of pain, that deep, down, in the bone, pain. I didn't think I could ever bear it but could I?

The Bible tells me that by His stripes, we are healed. Jesus bore more pain than we could ever imagine when he took all of our sins, past, present, and future upon Himself at the cross. If He chooses this road for me, I have to trust He'll equip me to walk it, even though I don't want to...

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Is God still good?

Jason and his wife, Kara

Yesterday afternoon I lost another friend. Her battle with breast cancer had been going on for the past two years. We never met in person but connected through Facebook and emails. As our friendship flourished, I felt I'd gained another sister.

Kara Tippetts was an amazing woman of God. She was born in 1976, the same year I gave birth to my oldest child. She grew up in Indiana, and earned her BS in English Education at Indiana University. She met her husband Jason at a Christian camp located in Colorado Springs, Colorado. They were married on May 16, 1998.

Kara met Jesus while in high school. Her youth leader read her a tract about Christianity and a friend invited her to youth group. Hearing a message about forgiveness prompted her to seek a relationship with Jesus, where she found total acceptance, kindness, and grace. While she didn’t experience instant change in her life, dramatic changes were slowly occurring in her heart. Kindness became Kara’s passion; it defined her relationship with Jason, and her four children: Eleanor, Harper, Lake, and Story Jane.

Answering a call to plant Westside Church in 2012, the Tippetts moved to Colorado where they soon after had to evacuate their home due to the Waldo Canyon Fire. It was this same summer that Kara received her breast cancer diagnosis. Despite beginning aggressive treatment for the cancer, Kara put her whole heart into growing and developing the new community that would become Westside, reaching out to others and teaching by example how to love and care for people well and sacrificially.

As the cancer spread, Kara courageously embraced her situation, trusting in a Sovereign God. She believed that cancer was not the point, but Jesus was; how she responded and trusted Christ in the midst of this hard was where she would find grace.

In the fall of 2014, David C. Cook published her story, "The Hardest Peace." The response to Kara’s book has been overwhelming. Kara fought harder than ever to live well and love others well and with intentionality. She refused to be defined by cancer and considered every moment a gift and an opportunity to learn more about grace and trusting God; she believed suffering was not an absence of beauty, but an opportunity to understand God’s love on a deeper level. 

Kara fought valiantly for almost 2 1/2 years. During her struggle with cancer, she asked herself a question, "in the midst of life's hard, is God still good?" That question made me begin to think about my own life and how I would answer. 

In the middle of trials, we pray for the courage to get through. We pray that our faith will not fail. We pray asking God to help our unbelief, we pray for a miracle...yet often, God seems quiet. Tears stream down our faces and we wonder if He hears us at all. 

Nancy Guthrie, in her book "Holding on to Hope," says "Trusting God when the miracle does not come, when the urgent prayer gets no answer, when there is only darkness - this is the kind of faith God values perhaps most of all. This is the kind of faith that can be developed and displayed only in the midst of difficult circumstances. This is the kind of faith that cannot be shaken because it is the result of having been shaken." 

God's grace meets us every day. Some days we see it and other days we barely notice it. Walking through the valley of breast cancer, the moments we cling to grace seem to multiply. When we realize we are absolutely powerless to control, change, or fix our current condition we find ourselves clinging to the cross. 

Kara lived her life well. She loved others well. She walked with Jesus daily even in the midst of life's hard. Yesterday, she finished well. As she entered the glorious gates of heaven, I imagine she walked straight into her Savior's arms and as He lovingly embraced her, heard the words, "well done though good and faithful servant."

Yes, God is good all the time. He is good in the hard things and in the easy things. Nothing is too difficult for Him. No, we may never understand the reasons He allows us to suffer but if we can just learn to trust Him in the good times and the bad times, we'll be able to embrace the grace He bestows upon us. His perfect peace meets us when we need it most. 

Can I dare say that God is good in the midst of my battle with cancer as Kara did? Yes! I have learned to accept both the good things and the not so good things from His hand. I have learned that nothing slips through His fingers into my life without His permission. Coming to grips with this fact has given me the most profound sense of peace I've ever experienced in my life and allows me to emphatically state that yes, God is still good. 

It was a very emotional day for me yesterday. This was the second friend I'd lost to breast cancer over the last 6 months. They both were so young. They both had small children. It seemed so unfair. But I had to remind myself that God is a just God. I don't understand His ways nor am I supposed to because He is God and I am not. I am thankful I had the opportunity to interact with them and get to know them well. They both impacted my life deeply. 

Perhaps my tears were not only for my friend, but also for myself. Perhaps they were for the countless women who will travel this road in the future. Perhaps they were the result of dread and fear that I will meet the same fate, I'm only human, you know? 

I love this quotation from the book, "Hind's Feet on High Places," by Hannah Hurnard - "Then the Shepherd smiled more comfortingly than ever before, laid both hands on her head and said, "Be strong, yea, be strong and fear not." Then He continued, "Much Afraid, don't ever allow yourself to begin trying to picture what it will be like. Believe Me, when you get to the place which you dread, you will find that they are as different as possible from what you have imagined, just as was the case when you were actually ascending the precipice. I must warn you that I see your enemies lurking among the trees ahead, and if you ever let Craven Fear begin painting a picture on the screen of your imagination, you will walk with fear and trembling and agony, where no fear is." 

I have no idea what the future holds for me. As hard as it may be, I will fight to walk in faith. I don't want to live in fear and dread....I don't want to listen to those "what ifs" that Satan continually whispers to my mind. May I hold tightly to God's hand and walk in confidence and hope as I trust Him to lead me daily step by step. Yes, life is often hard, but God is still good, all the time. 

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Remembering brings blessing

Alberta and I
(She's a dear sweet friend and encourager)

8 months ago, I'd just had both breasts removed along with 6 lymph nodes. I was home recovering and in a great deal of pain. I felt like I'd been hit by a MACK truck and left on the side of the road for dead. I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel. But that was then and this is now.

In those long months that have passed since my surgery, the feelings of hopelessness and pain have all but disappeared. I've allowed the memory of all that God's done to become clouded just a bit and today, I was reminded that I need to focus on remembering.

It hasn't been that long ago, so the wonderful things He's done in my life should still be very fresh and new... but isn't it funny how Satan loves to steal our joy by hazing over those important times in our lives where God has done amazing things?

There's a verse in the Bible in the book of Psalms that says, "Then they believed His words; they sang His praise. They soon forgot His works." How easy it is for new believers to trust...to get on the spiritual band wagon...to be filled with praise when things are going great...to marvel at the awesomeness of God, but let the times get hard and those songs of praise die down in a hurry. Sometimes when the "new" wears off, just like these people in the Bible, we become complacent. We forget. A leanness enters our soul.

In the midst of trial or suffering, I'm always bold enough to pray and ask God for what I need. I'm brave in my faith and in my expectations. But sometimes, after He's answered my prayer and the crisis is over, I slowly begin to forget. My prayers become less adventurous and less brave. I begin to pray for smaller things instead of greater things. It's not that my faith has become weak, it's just that I've forgotten the many blessings He's given me.

Today, I asked God to quicken my memory. To help me remember things He's done for me over the past 8 months. It's important to me to refresh my thoughts and keep His great blessings at the forefront of my mind. And so, I thought it would be helpful to make a list as He reminded me of ways He'd been faithful to me:

• In May, God allowed me to find the mass in my breast as I was showering. He could have allowed it to remain hidden and for it to have been years before it was discovered, but His timing is always perfect in every thing. 
• We were busy moving so I didn't have time to focus on the mass, this was a brief respite from the initial panic I felt on the day I found the mass. I think this was His way of protecting my heart until I was ready to handle the real news. 
• When things slowed down and we were settled, He prompted me to find a doctor and get it checked. He did not let me forget about it. Day after day, I felt Him reminding me, "you need to get this checked...you really need to get this checked." 
• He led me to an OB/GYN who immediately sent me for tests. The doctor originally thought it was just a fluid filled cyst but she was diligent and ordered diagnostic mammograms, an ultrasound, and core needle biopsies immediately. I know God had imparted that wisdom to her in order to save my life. 
• He knew I would be fearful and sent one of my daughters to accompany me to the procedures. He used her to remind me of His love. I was never alone, even when I couldn't see someone with "skin" on. 
• When I needed to find a surgeon, He led me to the very best breast surgeon in our area. She was very attentive and kind. She never made me feel rushed and spent hours discussing in detail exactly what she was planning to do.
• Through a string of amazing events, God provided the resources for my husband and I to go to the beach so I could process everything that was happening to me. During our time there, God spoke to my heart in such a tender, loving way. He used His beauty in nature to show me that in every tiny detail, He is present. 
• During surgery, my doctor was able to remove the entire mass and found only one lymph node that was cancerous. Although I had 6 lymph nodes removed, only one was malignant. God gave my surgeon the wisdom to check my lymph nodes. Had she not done that, the spreading cancer may have gone undetected and traveled to various organs in my body.
• As I was healing, God provided the means for my oldest daughter to come and be with me. She was a great source of encouragement and help. God knew I would need her so He laid it on her heart to plan on coming. Her husband and children were so gracious to part with her and, she was pregnant to boot!
• Through the internet, on a Facebook Breast Cancer site, I made a new friend who became my mentor. She traveled over an hour and a half to visit me. She brought a special wedge pillow and a padded seat belt strap for me as she knew I'd need them. God spoke to her heart and gave her the courage to come visit a total stranger. I'm so thankful He did!
• God prompted family and friends to call, write letters, send cards and gifts and to lift me up in prayer. Those little symbols of love always arrived at the perfect time. I know God orchestrated those gifts just for me.
• God has used my sweet husband to minister His love to me throughout this entire journey. He has gifted him with patience, caring, and understanding. He has laughed with me, cried with me, prayed with me and just loved me. He is a wonderful example of God's tender loving care.
• God knew, even before we moved to this area, that I would experience cancer. The radiation oncology clinic where I'd need treatments is very close to our house...that wasn't a coincidence because right after we'd first moved here, my husband and I were driving around the area to get familiar with it. As we passed the radiation oncology clinic, I heard God speak to my heart and say, "You'll be going there soon." Months before I would be diagnosed, He forewarned me. He knows I don't do well with surprises. I'm so thankful He speaks to me in that still small voice and prepares me for the hard things that come my way.
• When I started radiation, God allowed me to meet 2 women who became my cheerleaders. They were going through treatment too, but they helped me know what to expect. Every morning, as I arrived at the clinic, they'd great me. One of them sat and talked to me as I was preparing to have treatment and the other talked to me on the way out. One was an elderly lady with cancer of the nose and the other was a woman about my mother's age who also had breast cancer. They looked after me like a mother hen watches after her chicks. God planted them there at the exact moment in time I needed them! 
• As the months have passed, God has allowed me time alone to draw closer and closer to Him. Each day is sweeter than the one before as He continues to teach me and allow me to see more deeply into His heart. 
• God led me to my Oncologist and to the Cancer Wellness Center where I can take part in free art therapy lessons, writing programs, cooking or exercise programs. God knew I would need someone I could trust. My doctor is Jewish and very soft spoken. He's gentle and caring. God knew I'd need someone who would be understanding and kind. The classes at the wellness center provide a way for me to get out and meet people. Once again, God knew I didn't need to be alone and He made provision for me. 

I could go on and on about the things He's done to show me He's never left me alone throughout this trial but I won't. He's used this time of testing to continually teach me and prepare me. I don't know yet what He's preparing me for, but I'm sure He'll reveal it to me soon. I don't think God ever allows you to go through a trial or time of testing without a purpose behind it. Perhaps He's going to use me to minister to others in some way. It will be interesting to see what the future holds.

Has God done amazing things in your life? Have you allowed the newness of it to wear off? Why not stop and take time to remember all that He's brought you through. Remembering brings blessing...the blessing of understanding that you are unique and special to God. You are precious to Him. He loves you so much more than you will ever know. Don't forget the times He's been right by your side when you needed Him most...when He's answered prayers you've cried in the dark...when He's provided for your needs when you least expected it. Let's give Him praise where praise is due! Remember.

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Clarity

For the past few weeks, I've been struggling with a huge decision regarding my healthcare and finally, after much prayer, I have some clarity. Last month, I visited my Oncologist. While there, we discussed my health as well as 2 previous medications I'd tried at my doctor's request. Both of those medications had given me bad side effects and had made me feel like a totally different person. While in the doctor's office, he told me there was only one more medication we could try. When he said that, I wanted to laugh...WE? Was he going to join me in taking the medication? I don't think so. I explained to him that my husband and I had a trip coming up and that I'd like to wait to begin the medicine until after we had completed our trip and were back home. Dr. "F" agreed it would be a wise decision. He didn't want me in another state if I was experiencing bad side effects. I left his office feeling good about the visit and went home to pack for our trip.

The entire time we were in Texas, I felt an uneasiness about beginning the new medication. I didn't want to experience the same bad side effects as I'd had on the past 2 cancer meds. The more I thought about it, the more I didn't want to take the medication but I knew I needed to gain understanding through prayer.

For the past 2 weeks, I've gone before the Lord with my dilemma. In the Bible, we're told
"If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." James 1:5 I knew I needed answers for my problem and I needed godly wisdom. I didn't want to trust making the decision on my own. James 1:5 promises that if we will go to Him when we need wisdom, He will give us the answers we need!

The word "lack" is the Greek word leipo, a Greek word that pictures a deficit of some kind. In modern English, we might call this a shortfall, a shortage, a scarcity, or a deficiency. For instance, people often speak of a "shortfall" of finances. When they experience such a financial shortfall, it greatly impairs their ability to do business as necessary. Years ago, we had a shortage of gasoline. People had to wait for hours to get a few gallons of gas and when the gas ran out, the ones at the back of the line had to go home on empty. In my grandparents' day, food was rationed. There was a great lack of precious staples like flour, eggs, sugar, bread, meat, and milk. These kinds of scarcities and deficits could be described by the Greek word leipo, which is translated "lack" in the King James Version of James 1:5. But the "lack" James is referring to is not sugar, flour, eggs, milk, butter, meat, or gasoline. James says, "If any of you lack wisdom.…"

A lack of "wisdom" is the most devastating kind of deficit a person or country can face. Wisdom has the answers, solutions, and principles needed to reverse any situation and turn it around for the better. A person is at a great disadvantage when he is void of wisdom about how to pay his bills, how to reverse a decline in his business, how to resolve challenges with his children, spouse, boss, or coworkers; or even how to make important decisions that will affect his future. When a person lacks wisdom, it nearly paralyzes him, because he doesn't know what to do!

When James says, "If any of you lack wisdom," the word "wisdom" is the Greek word sophos. This word sophos could describe enlightenment, or special insight. Just because someone has a college degree doesn't mean he possesses wisdom. You need to treat education like it is important, for it definitely is. However, you also need to understand that having an education is not the equivalent of having wisdom. Education gives information and facts; but wisdom gives you principles, solutions, and answers. Wisdom gives you special insight that helps you know what to do. Wisdom contains the principles that will lead you out of that baffling situation and into a place where things begin to work again! Wisdom guides you to do what is right. Man has education; but God has wisdom.

Are you experiencing a time in your life right now when you need wisdom about a particular situation? Even though you've studied and tried to find solutions on your own, have those solutions been evading you? If so, it's time for you to get a good dose of wisdom from on High! That's why James says, "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God.…"

The word "ask" is the Greek word aiteo. The word aiteo means "to be adamant in requesting and demanding assistance to meet tangible needs, such as food, shelter, money, and so forth." This person may insist or demand that a certain need be met, but he approaches his superior with respect and honor as he makes his very strong request. The word aiteo also expresses the idea that the one asking has a full expectation to receive what has been firmly requested.

When James tells us to "ask" God for the wisdom we need, the Greek tense used is a command. This plainly means God isn't suggesting that we come to Him for wisdom; He is commanding us to do so!
When these words are used together in one phrase, it could be translated:
"If anyone lacks insight, let him firmly request it.…"
"If anyone has a shortage of wisdom, he should demand it.…"
"If anyone is baffled and doesn't know what to do, he should be bold to ask.…"

The Greek word studies in this verse of Scripture helped give me even more clarity. I finally understood that God really wanted me to come to Him for wisdom first instead of trying to figure things out on my own. Instead of relying on my education and the books on my shelf to give me the answers I needed, I knew I had to go to God first and firmly ask Him for wisdom and that is just what I did. I approached Him with respect and honor, but was also bold. As a child of God, I knew I had a right to request wisdom from God when I needed it!

This morning, I reached up into the top of my closet and took down my prayer shawl. It was a beautifully crocheted shawl made by ladies from a local church. A friend of mine had given it to me right after I was diagnosed with breast cancer. As I placed the shawl over my shoulders, I sat for hours before God pouring out my heart to Him. With the shawl over my shoulders, it was as if I could feel God's very arms wrapped around me. The feeling was so filled with love and peace. I'd never felt that way before underneath the prayer shawl.

I admitted I didn't know what to do regarding taking the new medications. I struggled with just doing what the doctor told me to do and following what I felt in my heart that I needed to do. My heart said, "trust God. Remember your Oncotype DX number was a 7...the number of completion! It also meant that there was a very low rate of recurrence." My head said, "but the doctor knows more than you do. He says I have to take this medication for the next 10 years to prevent the cancer from returning. I should do what he says to do." My heart said, "you need to trust that God made your body. He knows every single cell and knows the number of days He's allotted to you. He has your best interest in mind. The doctor is only following recommended treatment plans as indicated by statistics." 

I cried and cried as I read my Bible and poured out my heart to God. I told him everything I was thinking even though I knew He already knew my thoughts before I verbalized them. As I prayed, I felt such a peace come over me and He led me to Psalm 56:3-4, "What time I am afraid, I will have confidence in and put my trust and reliance in You. By [the help of] God I will praise His word; on God I lean, rely, and confidently put my trust; I will not fear. What can man, who is flesh, do to me?" He also gave me Psalm 57:1-2, "Be merciful and gracious to me, O God, be merciful and gracious to me, for my soul takes refuge and finds shelter and confidence in You; yes, in the shadow of Your wings will I take refuge and be confident until calamities and destructive storms are passed. I will cry to God Most High, Who performs on my behalf and rewards me [Who brings to pass His purposes for me and surely completes them]!" As I read these verses, I got a mental image of the beautiful, powerful, huge wings of God and I saw myself tiny, and powerless huddled beneath them. I could see a great and powerful whirlwind swirling all around me, but I was completely safe and secure beneath His wings. I felt no fear whatsoever. I knew everything was going to be okay. 

My decision is clear. I will not be taking any more cancer medications. The two bottles sitting on my counter will soon be in the trashcan. I am going to trust the One who holds my future in the palm of His hand. When I call to tell my doctor of my decision, I don't know if he will understand it but I'm going to try to help him see where I'm coming from. I'm thankful my doctor is Jewish because that means he's a man of faith. I'm going to use that as my segway into explaining my decision. He is a man of faith and I am a woman of faith. It doesn't matter that we are of different faiths because we both believe in the same Almighty, Omnipotent God. 

I'm sure Dr. "F" won't be too happy that I've chosen not to take the prescribed medications. I'm wondering if he'll even still agree to be my Oncologist. If he decides he doesn't want to support me in my decision, I'll have to find a new doctor and that's okay. I'm trusting God with that decision too. 

Of course, every now and then, I'm sure Satan will whisper fearful words to my heart and mind trying to scare me into thinking I've made the wrong decision. He'll use the tool of fear to prod me into thinking the cancer will come back but I know, even if God does allow the cancer to return, He'll have a purpose for it and I can live with that. I've trusted Him throughout this whole ordeal and I'm not going to stop trusting Him now. 

If you're facing a dilemma of some kind today, rather than continue to struggle in your own strength, why don't you go to God and ask Him to give you the necessary wisdom to conquer the situation you are facing in your life right now? As a child of God, you have every right to ask Him. In fact, God commands you to come to Him when you lack wisdom! So take a few minutes today to obey that command. Ask God to give you the wis­dom you need!

My Prayer for Today
Lord, help me to come to You when I find myself struggling to know what to do. Help me to rely on You instead of on my own strength and understanding. Every answer I need resides with You. Your wisdom holds all the answers I am looking for therefore, I am making the decision to come to You now with a listening ear. Please speak to my heart and guide me according to your perfect will for my life. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen. 

My Confession for Today
I boldly confess that I go to the Father when I need wisdom from above. He has the answers to all my problems, and He is standing before me, ready to help. God is on my side. He wants to help me. He is waiting for me to come into His Presence so He can give me the wisdom I need to confront and overcome every situation I am facing right now. God wants me to suc­ceed, and His wisdom is what I need to achieve what is in my heart. So rather than try to figure it all out on my own, I run to the Father and ask Him for wisdom - and He is swift to give me the wisdom I need! I declare this by faith in Jesus' name!

© Bonnie Annis all rights reserved.

The last day of 2014, a time of reflection

Another year draws to a close and today I will spend the day reflecting. This year has been filled with change and many unexpected events. It's been filled with difficulties but along with the hard times came times of great blessing. 

In January, my husband and I began thinking seriously about putting our house on the market. We'd lived there for over 21 years. The house was too big for just the two of us and we needed to live a little closer to my husband's workplace. His company had moved 2 years prior forcing him to drive a 100 mile round trip daily just to get to work and home again. The wear and tear on our vehicles was rough but the mental wear and tear on my husband was even rougher. Driving in Atlanta traffic for just a few minutes is enough to drive anyone mad...can you imagine having to be in it for an hour each morning and then another hour during rush hour in the evening? It was total insanity. 

Our home was built in 1973, so needless to say, it wasn't very modern. There was oak paneling in the family room, hardwood floors throughout, 4 bedrooms, 3 full baths, a full finished basement, screened porch and deck but all of it was very dated. We'd done our best to remodel and revamp, but still we had no idea that anyone would want a home built in the 70's. We began painting and replacing flooring. We walked through the house thinking "what would I change if I were looking at this house as a perspective buyer?" Every thing we noticed and thought needed changing got changed. 

In February, toward the end of the month, we decided it was time to put the house on the market. We contacted a real estate agent and had her come and walk through the house. We asked her advice on a listing price and whether or not she thought the house would sell. She assured us it was a "buyer's market" and she was sure the house would sell quickly. We had no idea how quickly it would sell. 

We had the house on the market for 2 days before we had a contract on it. God knew it was the perfect time and He answered our prayers to send the "right people" to buy our home. We were dumbfounded that it happened so quickly. We were even more amazed when the buyers did not ask for any major repairs or renovations. They loved the house exactly as it was at the time. Of course, we were asked to do some small upgrades like installing GFCI receptacles in kitchen and bathrooms and a few other things, but nothing major. 

With the house under contract, we began frantically looking for a new home in the area where my husband worked. At the time we were looking, there was NOTHING for sale. We waited a week and tried again. This time we found a few homes on the market that were currently occupied. We looked and looked but couldn't find anything that met our needs. Finally, the first week of March, we found a new build that had just been completed and immediately put a contract on it. We got our contract in just minutes before another couple tried...we knew that was God's perfect timing once again.

Packing up 21 years of stuff in less than a month was a huge feat. I began going through every single room, drawer by drawer, and reevaluating material possessions. I began donating and giving away things we no longer felt we needed. I was able to cut our possessions in half. I packed like a mad woman and had boxes along one wall of each room in the house, trying to make it easy on the movers. We gave and gave and gave until we had nothing left to give. Our neighbors received the blessings with happy smiles and thankful hearts.

One day, during an early morning shower, in March, I felt a hard mass in my right breast as I was soaping up. I regularly got yearly mammograms but never did breast self exams so I was shocked to actually feel something. I didn't give it too much thought in the days that passed since I was focused on packing and preparing for our move. About a week later, I mentioned to my husband that I'd found "something" in my breast. I let him feel it and he said, "you'd better get that checked out." I made a mental note to do that. 

We closed on our house and moved in by the end of March. It was exciting to be starting our new, "downsized" life. My daughters helped us unpack and get everything neatly arranged and organized and soon, we were feeling at home in our new place. It took some time to get used to our new surroundings...finding new grocery stores, finding new shopping malls, just learning our way around, but things fell into place. God gave us a peace that this is where He wanted us to be.

One day, mid April, I heard this nagging voice inside my head reminding me that I needed to get that mass in my breast checked out. I didn't know any doctors in this new city. I didn't know anyone at all other than my husband. I got on the internet and began doing a search. Finally I found a doctor fairly close by and set up an appointment. One of my daughters agreed to go with me to the appointment, she knew I was very afraid. 

The appointment date was for May 27. When I went in to see the new doc, even before she examined me, I had a gut feeling it was cancer. Upon palpitation, the doctor said it felt like a fluid filled cyst and that I shouldn't be too worried but she wanted to check it out anyway. She scheduled me for a diagnostic mammogram the very next day. On May 28, I had 2 diagnostic mammograms done as well as an ultrasound. The radiologist didn't like what he saw and told me I needed to have the mass biopsied. 

June 2, I went to the medical center for a core needle biopsy. Again, my precious daughter was with me for moral support. It was a painful procedure and I was really scared. On Thursday, June 5, at 4:25 in the afternoon, I got the dreaded call that informed me I indeed had breast cancer. At that very moment, I felt like I was on the outside looking in at someone else's life. I never, in a million years, dreamed that I would have cancer although I knew in my heart, on the day I first felt it, that it was true. On June 11, I met with the breast surgeon to discuss my options and after meeting with her, decided to have a bilateral mastectomy performed. God gave me such a peace that day. I've never felt anything like it before but I just knew that everything was going to be okay.

July 3, I had to go to the hospital for pre-operative procedures and on July 8, I had to return for dye injections that would illuminate the "hot spots" in any lymph nodes near my breasts. The evening of the 8th, I became very sad and tearful. My whole world was about to change. On July 9th, I went in for surgery and cancer marked me forever.  Recovery was very difficult and the first few weeks were the most painful. It was a challenge to daily strip and drain the bulbs that had been inserted at the surgical wound sites. Thankfully, my husband and two of my girls helped me get through it. God provided 3 new friends for me during the next two weeks. One of them I met through a breast cancer survivor website. She was so helpful and kind. She traveled all the way from Smyrna to come visit me and answer a zillion questions. Another of my new friends was one of my husband's old classmates from high school and she'd found us through Facebook. She and one of her friends, a fellow breast cancer survivor, came to visit and brought several meals to us. Their love and encouragement were unexpected blessings. God prompted them to come support us and we were very thankful.

August brought many more visits to doctors...followups with the breast surgeon, new visits with the Radiation Oncologist and my new Oncologist. I also began Lymphedema treatments and manual lymphatic drainage during this time. I was fitted for my prostheses and got new mastectomy bras. Throughout every new challenge that came my way, God provided His perfect peace. 

September brought radiation treatments and lots of them. I had treatments Monday through Friday for 28 days and then had a few days off when my skin got so terribly burned that it began peeling off. My energy level went from 100 to zilch in just a few weeks and I found that radiation sickness was not something to take lightly. Every movement I made took a huge effort. I felt like I was an old, old woman. Radiation continued into the third week of October and new challenges came. My heart began skipping beats and I had to wear a heart monitor for several days. The cardiologist wasn't sure if the radiation may have affected my heart, but since it was in the field where the radiation was beamed, he wanted to do everything possible to ensure I would be okay. 

October was a month I dreaded because of the pink everywhere! (October is Breast Cancer Awareness month.) As I continued my radiation treatments, I tried my best to realize that I was coming down the home stretch. 

November was filled with more doctor appointments and followup visits. On the 14th of the month, I began taking an aromatase inhibitor, Arimidex, which was supposed to block the production of Estrogen in my body and keep cancer cells from growing. That medication brought on a whole new set of challenges and after two weeks, the doctor was taking me off of it. Thanksgiving was a very special time with loved ones. We thanked God for the many blessings He had provided throughout the year...for the wisdom and guidance of the medical staff who'd cared for me and for them taking such good care of us. 

December was a joy filled month, as we prepared to celebrate the birth of our Savior. Christmas music and decorations helped usher in the special day. We were surrounded by family love which made each moment memorable. On December 27, I began taking Tamoxifen, another chemotherapy drug, to block Estrogen in my body, and once again, the challenges of side effects have come. 

Throughout each month, there have been challenges, but God has met them with His awesome provision and power. I have felt His peace surrounding me and guiding me on this journey. He's never left me alone. Sure there have been days where I've done nothing but cry all day long as I've held my own pity party, but those days don't come often. I have been learning to keep my eyes fixed on Christ instead of focusing on my current circumstances and when I do that, I realize that my suffering is NOTHING in comparison to what He did for me on the cross. 

This year has hurried by although some days felt as if they would never end. I can hardly believe we're at the end of 2014. In my last post, I wrote about looking in the "rear view mirror" and how, if we're not careful, we can lose our perspective and fall off the path of where today is taking us. In 2015, I want my focus to be very mindful. I want to make each moment count. I don't want to look behind and I don't want to look ahead...I want to focus on what God is doing at that exact moment in my life. I know He has great plans for me. I don't ever think any form of suffering is wasted. God uses it to teach us about His mercy. I have learned so much more than I could ever share in a blog post and I am so grateful for this past year although I never expected to experience any of the things I did. And so, I will leave you with my New Year's prayer. Hopefully it will touch your heart and prompt you to pray your own. May God fill you with His richest blessings and may you find His perfect peace sustaining you as you enter into the new year. In the words of an old Southern Baptist hymn, "Every day with Jesus is sweeter than the day before!"

Oh Gracious Heavenly Father,
Oh how I thank you for bringing me through another year of my life. Lord there have been some very scary moments and some really happy ones, too. Lord…I thank you so much that I am your child and you are my Father. You have been by my side throughout this year. As I focused my mind on You…You filled me with so much peace, and oh, the grace! I can't forget the grace you offered to me daily. Every day Your mercy was there to greet me in the morning. Your faithfulness was overwhelming to me. I never would have made it…without You!

Lord the greatest lesson I have learned this year is to trust You completely. When I started writing this blog…I didn’t know that talking with You so much and having to dig into Your Word would have such a profound effect on me. I learned more about you than I have ever learned in the past. Throughout all my years of walking with You, now I find that I’m more focused and less stressed. When troubles came my way it was easier to just cast my burdens on You and trust that You would be there for me and you were. Lord this year, we experienced loss in our family but even still, You’ve given my family so much comfort. We have so much peace knowing that our loved one is with you. Father God…I saw so many miracles this year that You have done in my life and in the lives of others. I have shared your miracles publicly because I want you to receive the glory. I want others to see that You indeed do take care of your children.

I’m so glad that You are not a far away God…that you are an ever present God. You are here with me and I feel Your presence. That presence has been here for the past 365 days of this year. You did not miss a single day, minute or a second of my life. I was totally covered with Your love. God… this is the last day of the year and I just want to express all my thanks to You for bringing me through another year. Thank you for being so faithful to me. You promised to be faithful and you were! With the big lesson I learned this year… to trust you completely in all things, I thank you for using cancer to teach me this lesson. 

My requests for 2015 are:
1. for wisdom and direction
2. for boldness to share what you've done in my life
3. for the ability to be more merciful, giving and loving like Jesus

My 3 requests for others:
1. for the lost to come to know you as their personal Lord and Savior and to know and understand that you are a loving and kind God, not a cruel and heartless task master
2. for parents to train up their children to love and follow after you....in an evil world, they need You so desperately
3. for Christians to pray for one another...to encourage and support one another with your BIG LOVE. 

Thank you, Father, that you hear our prayers. May Your will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. Amen. 

©bonnie annis all rights reserved