Just enough grace

This morning, I woke up really, really tired. I feel like I'm trudging through the day like an old diver in a lead suit on the bottom of the ocean floor. Every movement takes such effort. Since my cancer battle began, I've had both extremely good days and very challenging days. Today is one of the challenging days.

I drug myself into the kitchen for a bowl of cereal. Just getting the bowl out of the china cabinet was difficult. I felt like every cell in my body was revolting. What is wrong with me??? Why do I feel this way today??? I don't normally feel this tired.

I ate my bowl of cereal and sat there for a long time. I didn't even have the strength to think, I just sat. Staring out the window, I watched the leaves on the trees. The wind wasn't blowing, I just stared at them.

Getting up from the table, I put my bowl in the sink and began to walk down the hallway toward my office. Instead of continuing on toward my destination, I opened the door to our guest bedroom and went over to the bed. I just needed to lie down. I was so very, very tired.

I lay on the bed for about 30 minutes. I didn't sleep, didn't think, didn't do anything but lie there. I didn't have the energy to move. The bed felt so nice and comforting. It was cool in the bedroom and a little dark since I hadn't turned on the light. If I could have, I would have fallen asleep, but I wasn't really sleepy...just physically drained.

After I'd been on the bed for a while, I prayed for God to give me the strength I need to get through the day and this is what I felt Him saying to me: "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness..." I was surely weak today, so He must surely be strong!

I was reminded, as I made myself get up,  that He gives us just enough grace to get through each day. I know He expects me to live this day in the power of His strength, leaning on His wisdom, drawing on His presence and power. I know I can't make it on my own strength, because I don't have any today.

I can't put my finger on why I'm so tired. I slept fairly well last night. I'm wondering if my Vitamin D level is extremely low again. I don't want to even consider the fact that it might be something else...something like a recurrence, so I refuse to let my mind go there.

"It's okay to rest today, Mom," said my daughter as we talked on the phone. I tell her that I feel so guilty when I'm not doing something and she chides me lovingly. I guess I'll take her advice and just watch a movie or read a book. Maybe tomorrow I'll have more energy. I sure hope so because I don't like feeling this way at all.

Maybe on the days when I feel so wiped out, that's God's way of alerting me to the fact that I need to slow down just a little. I've been trying so hard to do all the things I did B.C. (before cancer). My husband tells me we're getting older too and while I know that's true, I don't want to make excuses for my lack of energy.

Would you say a prayer for me today? I know I surely need it. Thank you in advance and now, I'm going to just go sit and do nothing for a while.

p.s. It was really hard to make myself come into the office and type this today but I want to always give you a clear picture of the challenges I'm facing. I try to be brave and fight through things like this daily but honestly, it's really difficult some days.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved


Scripture references:

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

"Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16

"The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. 23They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

Why am I still so tired?

Early morning energy

I let my book slip gently from my hands to the floor. It was 10:30 p.m. and I was exhausted. As I lay in the bed, my mind wandered back over the days events. It hadn't been an ordinarily busy day and yet, I had been tired most of the day. Oh yes, I had made myself walk 2 miles at the park and I had kept a smile on my face the entire time I was doing it, but it was hard. I just don't understand why I'm still so tired. It's been 10 months since my surgery and 6 months since I completed radiation treatments. Shouldn't I have regained all of my energy by now?

Throughout the day, my children and my husband remind me to take time to rest. They tell me that even when I'm supposedly resting, I'm usually doing something else and I need to just stop and slow down. They know me well. I can't just sit and watch a movie on television. If I'm sitting there, I'm usually writing letters or crocheting or doing something else too. I've always felt the need to make the most of my time. "Remember, Bonnie, idle hands are the Devil's workshop." (I can almost hear my grandmother sharing this old idiom with me as I type this.)

I'm not used to having to slow down but my body is telling me otherwise. I guess I need to realize that I'm the only one who's set the bar high. No one else is expecting me to "be" or "do" anything. Why is it so hard to just relax? I'm tired but don't take time to let my body "catch up." Who am I comparing myself to anyway? Why do I feel the need to constantly stay busy? Is it to keep my mind off of things, perhaps.

For the past few days I've been fighting an upper respiratory infection. I've noticed it has affected me more severely this time than times in the past when I was ill. Maybe my white blood cells are low. Maybe that's why I'm feeling so very tired. Tomorrow I'm going to the doctor for a checkup and I'm sure he'll draw blood so we'll see.

I get so frustrated when I want to do things and can't do them. I guess I just need to learn to shift my focus from what I can't do to what I can do. I'm so thankful for the times of day when I have little spurts of energy. Those are the times I try to accomplish my biggest tasks. Friends wonder why I get up at 6:00 a.m. when I'm no longer working. I don't want to tell them it's because I know I only have a small window of time that I'll have energy to do what I need to do.

I'm still struggling with the swelling in my upper arms. I guess this is something I'm just stuck with from now on. Since having those lymph nodes removed, my lymphatic fluid just seems to collect around my armpit and upper arm area. It makes movement limited and I have to remember not to lift anything heavy.

Hopefully, my energy level will continue to improve. If it does, I'll be overjoyed but if not, I guess I'll have to learn how to do the best with what I've got. I need to remember my body is still in fighting mode.

It's amazing what a smile can hide! Even when I feel my lowest, I try to smile. I know it wouldn't do a bit of good to get down in the dumps and depressed. If I can just keep a positive outlook, I know things will be so much easier.

One day I'll be soaring again and be full of energy. I can't wait for that day to come!

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Sick and tired

Here I go again, complaining. I'm sorry. If you want to stop reading now, I completely understand. I don't mean to complain, really I don't, but I am just so sick and tired of being sick and tired.

The other day, I caught my husband's upper respiratory infection. He didn't mean to give it to me but he did. I was already feeling pretty crappy thanks to the general malaise after radiation therapy and surgery. Now, I have to deal with these extra germs on top of that.

My energy level is kaput! I could barely drag myself out of bed today. I don't ever stay in bed past 7 a.m. but this morning, I stayed in bed til 9 a.m.! That's very unusual for me but I was just so stinkin' tired.

I feel like all of my get up and go, got up and went. Have you ever been anemic? If so, you know what I'm talking about here. It takes every bit of effort I can give to just walk across the floor, but I make myself do it.

It isn't something I want to consider, but I keep hearing a nagging little voice in the back of my head saying, "what if it isn't just the upper respiratory infection that's bogging you down? What if the cancer has come back?!" I don't want to listen to that little voice. I don't want to even think about it but I have been having more and more aches and pains lately.

My upper spine, in between my neck and the middle of my shoulder blades, hurts all the time. A deep hurting, down in my bones....and that worries me. My left shin bone aches incessantly, again, deep down in the bone. I try not to dwell on the pain, but it is pretty annoying. At night, it gets even worse. I guess that's because I'm lying still and nothing is distracting me from feeling the pain.

Dr. "F" always asks me when I go for my checkups if I'm having any weird headaches, stomach pains or bone/joint pain and to date, I haven't had anything to report. I know he asks these questions to determine if there has been a recurrence. On this next visit, however, I'm going to have to tell him about my spine and shin. I wonder if he's going to finally order a PET scan for me. I haven't had one yet and most of my friends who've also been diagnosed with cancer have already had several of them. I don't want to borrow trouble, as my grandmother used to say, but I'm really tired of hurting. I'm really tired of being sick...and I'm really tired of feeling tired. I just want my energy back again.

My hiking boots are lying on the floor of my closet. They've been there for some time now. I don't want to retire them, but I wish I had the energy to just put them on and do some hiking. Usually, at this time of year, I'd be out in the woods on a trail somewhere. My mind says, yes...let's do it, but my body says, no, we can't.

So I guess I'll sit inside and read a book. Someone told me recently to listen to my body because it was telling me I needed to rest. I'm not used to resting. I'm used to being busy and going and doing...
When will this season of my life be over? I'm frustrated.

God, I don't know why I've been chosen to suffer these physical ailments, but I know you have a purpose for them in my life. I don't like them. I don't want them. Could you please take them away or at least spread the suffering around a little? I know my ailments pale in comparison to so many others but I can only complain about what I'm going through because these are the things that affect me personally right now. You say in your Word that we are to cast all of our burdens upon You, so that's what I'm doing right now. I'm taking these aches and pains and casting them onto your sturdy shoulders, and I'm trusting You to do with them what you will. Forgive me for having a pity party. Forgive me for complaining. Forgive me for focusing on myself today instead of keeping my eyes fixed on You. Forgive me for falling short. Forgive me for listening to the lies of the enemy whisper in my ear, "your cancer has returned." I know You are the only one who controls when or IF the cancer ever comes back in my body, and I'm choosing to trust you that it will NEVER come back again. But even if it does, I know you will give me the strength to face that day and You will provide everything I need to get through it. Thank you, Father, for reminding me that when I am weak, you are strong. I'm glad you're so very strong, because today, I feel so very weak. Thank you for loving me anyway, in Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved