Sometimes the hard is too hard

Today I had the honor and privilege of listening to my oldest daughter, Erin, share her heart with me. Yesterday, she'd had the opportunity to go and visit a very sick friend, Heather. Heather is dying from breast cancer that's metastasized into her brain and liver. I knew before Erin even began talking that this was going to be a difficult conversation to have with her. I know her heart, you see,...it's so tender and loving and kind.

"She was so yellow, Mama," she said. I knew what that meant...Heather was jaundiced. Her liver had completely shut down and her kidneys weren't functioning well. I've witnessed this phenomenon before in another dear friend as she was on her death bed. It's a shocking thing to see, especially when the entire body turns yellow and the whites of the eyes turn a deep, golden yellow too. It looks so unnatural and scary...alien-like. I felt so badly for my daughter. Sometimes the hard is too hard.

Isn't it only natural for mothers to want to shield their children from the hard, hurtful things in life? I wish she wasn't having to go through this, but I knew it was necessary. She'd wanted to go to the hospital to say goodbye to her sweet friend. She needed to be there. I didn't want her to witness the very ugly side of cancer, but she's strong, this daughter of mine. Underneath that tough exterior, though, that carries her through the hardest of challenges, she's got a heart of gold. She's loving and merciful, tender and caring. Her friends love her because she loves them so well and is always so giving of herself. She makes me proud.

And life isn't fair. We both wanted to scream this at the top of our lungs and we're wondering why...why would God allow such a terrible thing to happen to such a young woman...a woman with 4 little ones who love and depend on her...a husband who'll be lost without her, who hasn't even had time to think about grieving over the fact that soon she'll be gone because he's been so busy...busy trying to hold things together, trying to be the glue that makes the things that are important cohesive.

My heart broke for Heather, the young mother, who lay dying in a cold, sterile, hospital bed. This young woman all yellow and swollen and her body wracked with pain. This sweet friend that my daughter loved and wanted to spend more time with but the pain medication kept her doped up and groggy. So she mostly slept while Erin was there visiting. Numbed to the reality that soon she'll be no more...

Tears streamed down my face as Erin told me how she'd felt led to grab a bottle of lotion on the way out the door to see Heather that morning. She knows God speaks to us in a still, small voice. He was preparing her for something bigger and she obeyed. She knows how important the gift of touch is to someone who's in pain. I listened as she told me about massaging Heather's back for her and how, as she gently rubbed for hours, she silently prayed. That's my girl...a heart of gold. And then, when Heather's Mom came back into the room, she commented on how Heather looked so much better, not as yellow, and Erin was glad the massage had helped. She was glad she'd listened to the voice of God and had picked up that lotion. He had a plan and Erin had been His instrument.

Our conversation continued and I listened between the words to hear Erin's heart...a hurting heart. She knows what's coming and knows it's going to be devastating. And this reality of cancer hits too close to home, I knew what she was thinking...my Mom has cancer...this could be her one day...While in the hospital room keeping watch at her friend's bedside, Erin's thoughts are tangled. Her own little ones are home with their Daddy so she could come and be with her friend. She probably wonders if he's fixed them lunch yet and whether the smallest made it down for his nap on time and then she thinks about Heather's little ones who'll soon lose their Mommy and it's overwhelming...sometimes the hard is too hard.

But even in the midst of the hard, God gives His grace. He provides a way for us to be strong and hold on. He reminds us that we can do ALL things through Him because we don't have to rely on our own strength, we have Him to cling to and He provides. He knows the needs. He sees everything and even when it seems like life is so unfair and unjust and cruel, He always shows up...just in the nick of time. He's there with us. He never leaves us alone or forsaken.

Suffering is such a vital part of life. It teaches us things we can never learn without it. It teaches us to have compassion and patience. It teaches us to understand and let go of the things that don't matter. Suffering is a great teaching tool that God uses in our lives but most people don't see it that way.

"The doctors have said two weeks...two weeks is all the time she's got left," Erin said. But we both know they're only guessing, they aren't God. That time frame is just a reminder that Heather's time here is so very short, but then again, none of us are promised tomorrow.

The visit was over and it was time to say goodbye. Erin knew it was going to be a hard thing to say her final goodbye to her friend but she did it in the most beautiful way...she told Heather she loved her and was so thankful they'd become friends and then she prayed over her. Heather may or may not have heard all the words Erin said but I know she felt Erin's heart.

Yes, sometimes the hard is too hard, but God always sees us through it. He gives strength when we need it most and He orchestrates everything according to His plan. And when we look at life that way, we can accept and even welcome the hard that comes because we know He is all sufficient and He is the rock we can cling to when life seems too hard to bear.

Please, won't you say a prayer for Heather as she prepares to go home to heaven? Pray that God will allow her journey to be swift and free from pain. Pray for her husband as he prepares to face the reality that his wife will soon be gone. Pray for God to give him strength to face the difficult days ahead. Pray for grace as he walks through his own hard dealing with the overwhelming grief that will come. Pray for the little ones and for God to hold them close as they come to understand the finality of death. Pray for the community to surround all of them with love and kindness in the days ahead and for God's provision for all of their needs, financial, emotional and spiritual. And one last request, would you say a special prayer for my daughter, Erin, that God would continue to use her to minister His love to others who are hurting but that He'd also protect her heart as she walks through her own hard of learning to lose a friend graciously?

Thank you so much. I know you'll lift up these needs as God places them on your heart. Sometimes the hard is too hard but we must always have hope. May the God of all comfort be everything you need as you travel your own hard and may you never forget His promise to never leave us to face the hard alone.

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Just enough grace

This morning, I woke up really, really tired. I feel like I'm trudging through the day like an old diver in a lead suit on the bottom of the ocean floor. Every movement takes such effort. Since my cancer battle began, I've had both extremely good days and very challenging days. Today is one of the challenging days.

I drug myself into the kitchen for a bowl of cereal. Just getting the bowl out of the china cabinet was difficult. I felt like every cell in my body was revolting. What is wrong with me??? Why do I feel this way today??? I don't normally feel this tired.

I ate my bowl of cereal and sat there for a long time. I didn't even have the strength to think, I just sat. Staring out the window, I watched the leaves on the trees. The wind wasn't blowing, I just stared at them.

Getting up from the table, I put my bowl in the sink and began to walk down the hallway toward my office. Instead of continuing on toward my destination, I opened the door to our guest bedroom and went over to the bed. I just needed to lie down. I was so very, very tired.

I lay on the bed for about 30 minutes. I didn't sleep, didn't think, didn't do anything but lie there. I didn't have the energy to move. The bed felt so nice and comforting. It was cool in the bedroom and a little dark since I hadn't turned on the light. If I could have, I would have fallen asleep, but I wasn't really sleepy...just physically drained.

After I'd been on the bed for a while, I prayed for God to give me the strength I need to get through the day and this is what I felt Him saying to me: "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness..." I was surely weak today, so He must surely be strong!

I was reminded, as I made myself get up,  that He gives us just enough grace to get through each day. I know He expects me to live this day in the power of His strength, leaning on His wisdom, drawing on His presence and power. I know I can't make it on my own strength, because I don't have any today.

I can't put my finger on why I'm so tired. I slept fairly well last night. I'm wondering if my Vitamin D level is extremely low again. I don't want to even consider the fact that it might be something else...something like a recurrence, so I refuse to let my mind go there.

"It's okay to rest today, Mom," said my daughter as we talked on the phone. I tell her that I feel so guilty when I'm not doing something and she chides me lovingly. I guess I'll take her advice and just watch a movie or read a book. Maybe tomorrow I'll have more energy. I sure hope so because I don't like feeling this way at all.

Maybe on the days when I feel so wiped out, that's God's way of alerting me to the fact that I need to slow down just a little. I've been trying so hard to do all the things I did B.C. (before cancer). My husband tells me we're getting older too and while I know that's true, I don't want to make excuses for my lack of energy.

Would you say a prayer for me today? I know I surely need it. Thank you in advance and now, I'm going to just go sit and do nothing for a while.

p.s. It was really hard to make myself come into the office and type this today but I want to always give you a clear picture of the challenges I'm facing. I try to be brave and fight through things like this daily but honestly, it's really difficult some days.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved


Scripture references:

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

"Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16

"The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. 23They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

His Grace is enough

 Oh readers! I have so much to share today. God has been teaching me so many important truths as I've journeyed through the trial of Breast Cancer. As you've read, I'm sure you've been able to tell if I was having a good day or a bad day...if I was walking in the flesh or in the spirit. I am human. I have not always pleased God in the ways I've responded to this season of suffering, but He has been so gracious to me. In His love and mercy, He's been patiently waiting for me to understand His purposes. He's allowed me to fall into the deepest pits of despair, and He's lifted me out with His mighty, strong arm. Today, I was given a glimpse into a Scripture I've read thousands of times over, but today, I understood it as it related to my own personal journey and I'd like to share just a little of that with you. 

In 2 Corinthians chapter 12, Paul is speaking to the Corinthians trying to help them understand God's grace. Listen to what he says: " But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!" 2 Corinthians 12:9Amplified Bible (AMP) 

Isn't that powerful?! God says His grace is ENOUGH! It's not too much or too little, it's perfectly enough...exactly what we need, when we need it and He knows exactly how much that is because He loves us so very much. Did you catch the next part of the verse? It says it "enables you to bear the trouble manfully"... But if you keep reading, you'll see that our strength and power comes from Christ. It isn't our strength that gets us through trials and tribulations, it's His strength! The part I love the most is the part where he says "My strength and power are made PERFECT and show themselves MOST EFFECTIVE in your weakness." Wow! 

God's grace has been ENOUGH to sustain me, to guide me, to protect me, and to teach me during this whole Breast Cancer ordeal. From the very first time I felt the mass in my breast until just a few minutes ago, God has decided exactly how much grace I'd need at the very moment I needed it. He never gave me an overabundance of grace and said, "save some of that grace so you can use it tomorrow or next week," no! He gave me just enough to get me through that exact situation, that exact trial, in His perfect timing too. 

So, what else do I have to say about the fact that God's grace is enough? Well, I can only say that I agree with Paul. Even though he suffered terribly and was treated unkindly over and over again, God was there with Him. He saw the suffering. He saw the trials. He knew exactly what Paul needed and that was grace. Paul knew that God's grace gave him the strength to bear the trials God allowed to come into his life. When he understood that clearly, he was able to not only accept his trials but to GLORY in them! Glory??? Yes, the Amplified version of the Bible says he will "all the more gladly glory in weaknesses and infirmities." Now, it's pretty awesome when you can thank God when you're going through some sort of trying time but to GLORY in them, that's downright amazing! But, if you really understand how God's grace IS SUFFICIENT, then you can be thankful when trials come. You can be okay when you experience physical suffering. I speak from personal experience! I have hurt so much physically that I have cried and pleaded and begged God to take the pain away from me but, He hasn't. He has allowed me to go through it with the power of His grace. When I've finally come to a point where I realized that my struggling against the trial wasn't doing me any good whatsoever, I learned to lean back into His grace and just relax knowing that everything was going to be okay and that He was taking good care of me. 

The last part of that verse, "that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!" nearly jumped off the page at me when I read it! I'm a visual person and I'm also a camper. I don't camp in an RV, I camp in a tent and when I camp, there's nothing between me and bad weather or dangerous animals but a thin sheet of nylon material. But even with that thin layer of nylon over me, I feel safe and secure. That's the visual I got when I read the last part of this verse...I visualized God's grace resting over me like a tent...enveloping me, protecting me, covering me. So now can you understand how Paul, or how I, can say we glory in our weaknesses or infirmities? It's because we know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that no matter what God allows into our lives, He's going to provide just ENOUGH grace to get us through it! He's going to be there...HIS GRACE WILL NOT ONLY BE ENOUGH, IT WILL BE SUFFICIENT. He knows exactly how much we need and when we need it. Isn't that so reassuring? 

When your next trial comes, don't be overcome with despair. Rest knowing that God's grace will be sufficient for you. And maybe, just maybe, you'll even look at your trial and glory in it. It won't be easy the first time or two, but let me tell you...when you get to the point where you can look at physical suffering, trials, or tribulations through the eyes of Christ, you'll see that EVERYTHING He allows into your life is for your benefit and will be a teaching tool. His grace will be enough to get you through the death of a loved one, an unexpected illness, a painful surgery...even through Cancer. It will be exactly ENOUGH...no less, no more, and that's because He loves you, my friend, more than you'll ever know!

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Patient in affliction

Oh how wonderful it was to sleep late this morning. Just knowing I didn't have to get up and get ready for radiation was a huge blessing. Finally my skin could begin to heal and I hoped it would hurry up, because it's really gotten bad over the last few weeks. The burns on my neck are much more painful right now than the ones on my chest. (Did you catch that...I just said, I hoped it would hurry up...)

As I started to get out of bed, I heard this scripture in my mind -

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”

Romans 12:12

Be patient in affliction...patient. BE patient. BE PATIENT IN AFFLICTION. Okay, Lord. What are You telling me here? Have I not been patient over the last several months of treatment? Have I been impatient? As I continued to seek Him, He continued to impress upon my mind the need to be patient. 

As a believer, I know my life will be filled with various trials. In fact, it's a given. His Word tells me in the book of 1 Peter that I shouldn't be surprised when I face trials that come to test me. But my response to the affliction or trial is a clear indicator of the depth of my love for God. This was really disheartening to me to realize because my response to affliction, trials, and difficult days was not a response that often pleased the Lord. More often than not, I found myself complaining. When I was in pain, I didn't respond first with a calmness and a patient heart...I griped and complained. After all, isn't that our nature as humans? We want others to share in our suffering? We want them to know and understand the intensity of our pain? We moan and groan hoping for sympathy. That was not the epitome of patience. Patience is long suffering. Patience waits in surrender. Patience. Did I even have any?

As I thought about how I should respond to afflictions, my thoughts turned toward 2 men in the Old Testament.  Job, of course, immediately came into my thoughts.  He is known for his patience during unbelievable circumstances. I've written about him in my posts before. Whenever a Christian experiences suffering, 9 times out of 10, solace can be found by studying the book of Job. Job must have been an amazingly strong man of faith. He lost his children, his livestock, his health and yet he never cursed God.  Scripture tells us that Job was “blameless and upright; he feared God and shunned evil.”  He was not a bad person, he loved God and lived his life to God’s glory.  So when his life fell apart, if anyone had a reason to say, “I don’t deserve this, this is not fair!  It was Job.  But, he didn’t do that.  He knew that his God loved him deeply and even if he never gained back all that he'd lost, he would always love his God.  Do I love that deeply?  Can I be as patient as Job?  Can I say, “If you take it all away, I will still love you and live for you?"  I really can’t honestly answer that.  I would like to think that I could, but I don’t know.  I know that my family has lost things that we once thought were "great," but looking back, we realized they were not so "great."  So there was really no loss.  Job experienced great loss and yet he remained patient in his affliction and God restored all that he had lost and blessed him twice as much.

Next I began to think about Joseph, the 11th son of Jacob.  His brothers were very jealous of him as he held the favor of his father.  They sold him into slavery where he ended up in Egypt.  His father Jacob was a godly man.  Though his sons were not as upright as Jacob, God still used them to build Israel.  But God set Joseph apart from the rest in order to fulfill a very special plan.  After Joseph had been sold into slavery he was sent to be a servant in the house of the Captain of the guard.  This was a great start for Joseph, until Potiphar's wife decided she wanted him for herself.  She was a very deceptive woman and had the trust of her husband.  She lied to him saying that Joseph tried to take her to bed and Joseph was sent to prison.  He stayed there for 2 years.  Genesis 39:21 says, “while Joseph was in prison, the Lord showed him kindness and granted him favor in the eyes of the prison warden.”  It says over and over that the Lord was with Joseph…in prison. So, I began to think...if I were Joseph, I would just want out of there.  I would never want to remain in prison, even if I had a fantastic job. I don't think I would have exhibited any patience! I would want out! But, Joseph never asked God to get him out of prison even though he was there for 2 long years. He had a lot of time to think about himself and about God.  He was stuck in a pagan land and his God was all he had.  He could either believe that his God would deliver him, or he could lose all hope.  He could be patient in his affliction or he could try to figure things out himself.

The deeper my walk with Christ, the more aware I am of the reality that no matter the reason for the affliction, my patience and trust in the midst of it teaches me more about the greatness of God than anything else.  Learning to embrace my suffering rather than trying to run away from it brings me into a deeper understanding of the sovereignty of God. I am blessed when I am patient in my afflictions. I experience God in ways that I would not if I did not choose this response.  I am loved by the faithful God of Job and Joseph...the God who never left them, but prospered them because of their trust and love.

I'm not always patient in my afflictions but I'm trying.   Lord forgive me for wanting instant relief from my pain. Help me in my weaknesses! Help me keep my heart searching for Your truth and Your hope. Oh how I long to be joyful in hope and patient in my affliction. Thank you for always loving me even when I struggle to be patient. Help me to remember you have a purpose for allowing me to suffer...that You have chosen to allow this for my own good. Father, thank you for always being strong when I am so very weak. Thank you for loving me through good times and through difficult times. You are so gracious and so merciful toward me even when I don't deserve it. Thank you, most of all, for sending your Son, Jesus, to suffer and die for me...just to partake in a tiny portion of His sufferings helps me understand the magnitude of the great sacrifice He made for me.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved