Hair today, gone tomorrow

I'm up at 4 a.m. Who does that??? I didn't want to be awake at 4. The room was cozy, dark, and cool...just the way I like it. My husband was in the bed next to me snoring his sweet little heart out. He'd be getting up soon to head out to work. I tried to re-adjust my pillows and close my eyes again but my bladder screamed NO. I hopped out of bed and padded into the dark bathroom then crawled back into bed. I lay there for a long time trying to drift off to sleep. I couldn't do it. Once I'm awake, I can't go back to sleep so I got up.

It wasn't long before I got a text from my daughter. Early morning texts from one or two of my four children are pretty typical. We exchanged a few texts and then my cell phone rang. I was surprised she was up early and ready to talk, especially with four little ones. We chatted for about half an hour while I inhaled a bowl of oatmeal. After we ended our call, I sat at the kitchen table and read my Bible. The early part of the day is always the best for my devotional and prayer time.

Glancing at the clock, I realized it was now mid morning. I hadn't even taken a shower! The day was getting away and I had so much to do. I headed into the bathroom and turned on the water. Oh, it was going to feel so good! I jumped in and soaped up. As I lathered up my bath pouf, I noticed my upper arms were already swollen. I get so tired of this aggravation, but know I'll deal with it the rest of my life. My lymphatic system has been disrupted. Lymphatic fluid pools around my arm pits thanks to breast cancer surgery and the removal of some of my lymph nodes. 

When I'd finished my shower, I glanced down at the shower floor. There amid the soapy bubbles were many strands of hair. I thought that would have stopped by now. I've been off of the Aromasin for almost 2 weeks. As far as I can tell, it's out of my system but I'm wondering why I continue to lose hair. I haven't studied a lot about Aromatase Inhibitors but I know hair loss is only one of the dark side effects I've experienced. 

Cleaning up the hair was gross. By the time I was done, I had a quarter sized wad in my hand. My poor hairs!!! I wondered if the follicles they used to be attached to had died. Perhaps that was the case and I'd never have hair in those follicles again. 

I towel dried and put on my clothes. Gently, ever so gently, I combed through my wet hair with a wide toothed comb. I didn't want to break or damage any of my remaining hair. I've always heard wet hair is weaker than dry hair.

I've been taking a Biotin supplement for the past few weeks and I've also been using Biotin shampoo. Biotin is supposed to help strengthen weak hair, promote healthier skin and provide stronger nails. Too much of it can make you prone to skin breakouts though so it's important to drink lots of water while taking it. 

My hair was almost completely dry now but I decided to use the hair dryer for just a few minutes to get the damp, underneath portions. As I was blowing my hair, I looked in the sink to see if any more hairs had given up and let go. There were a few dead guys lying on their backs, so I scooped them up when I was done. 

I looked in the mirror and saw a wide space on my scalp. My part had grown! I guessed this was where those rogue hairs had been attached before they'd decided to slide onto the shower floor. Hmmm...maybe it's time for a change in the way I'm wearing my hair. I took the boar bristle brush and gently moved the hair to the other side of my face. Yes, that was better! It looked a bit more full too. 

It's concerning to lose hair but I'm thankful I haven't lost it all. It's cold outside and I don't think my poor ears could go without some sort of warm covering for the next couple of months. If my part gets any wider, I guess I'll resort to wearing a scarf of some sort or a hat. If even more hairs decide to let go, a wig might be in order. I'm doing what I can to protect the hairs I have left and hopefully the Biotin will encourage new growth as well as strengthening the hairs I have now. 

Hair. It's a nice asset to have and it certainly helps define our style, but it isn't absolutely necessary. When I think about hair, I can't help but think of the Bible verse that says God knows the number of hairs on my head. What a concept! He knows the number of hairs on your head, too. I'm glad I don't know the original number of hairs allotted to me and I'm glad I don't know if that number has changed for better or for worse. I'm just thankful I've got some! It's certainly not my intention to sound vain here. I do have empathy toward other survivors or patients who've lost all their hair to chemotherapy. Thankfully, I didn't opt to take that form of treatment. 

I wish doctors could understand how hard it is for women to go through all the devastation of physical and emotional changes related to breast cancer. If they did, they'd be so much more understanding when prescribing anti-hormone therapy medications and they'd make sure to explain the potential side effects involved. But that isn't usually the case. It's up to us to read the information that comes with our prescriptions. It's up to us to do our research and talk to others. That's one of the reasons I wanted to share this post today...in hopes of helping someone else who may have just started taking Aromasin.

It's important for us to realize our physical appearance is just an outer glimpse into who we really are...we're so much more than that! Even though I've lost a good bit of hair, I'm not going to let it cause me to feel bad about myself or to feel less than others. It's something beyond my control, but I'm doing everything in my power to put the odds in my favor by taking supplements and drinking lots of water. 

So long little hairs...you're heading down the drain. I'm sad to see you go but I'm hopeful new hairs will grow in your place, and if they don't...well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it! 

"But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered [for the Father is sovereign and has complete knowledge]." Matthew 10:30 Amplified Bible (AMP)

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Don't look for trouble

I've been off of the Aromasin for 4 days now and I feel so much better! I know it's still going to take some time to get all of it out of my system, but I can feel a marked difference. 

Saturday morning I began to get very nauseated. At first, I thought it was something I had eaten, but I quickly ruled that out as I remembered I'd gone cold turkey from my cancer medication. It was terrible! My stomach felt worse than it ever had before...even worse than morning sickness or the flu! I couldn't keep anything down, not even saltines or ginger-ale. I was pitiful. My sweet husband tried his best to take care of me. I spent the entire day in the bathroom clinging to the toilet or in the bed moaning and groaning. It was not a pretty sight. 

Maybe I should have researched the medication a little before deciding to abruptly stop taking it. I didn't even think about the dangers of going cold turkey...I just knew I had to stop because of what it was doing to my body. I prayed before deciding to stop and felt a peace about my decision. My husband agreed with me, so I knew it would be okay. (I haven't discussed it with my oncologist yet, but I plan to call him soon and let him know. I'm sure he won't be happy about my decision, but he'll just have to accept it. I have to do what is best for my quality of life, after all, it's my body.)

It was no surprise when fear came creeping in later that day and the "what ifs" started filling my head with nonsense. I had to quickly rid my mind of wondering about a recurrence of cancer now that I had no medication to keep it away...funny how Satan always tries to attack me with that, but my God is bigger! And why would I go looking for trouble anyway??? 

The more I thought about it, the more I wondered how often we worry needlessly, seek out problems, or fret over things we can’t control? God tells us, “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” Philippians 4:6. Our minds can get so wrapped up in worry that we miss the blessings of the day. I have a choice to worry about the cancer coming back or to celebrate the fact that it is gone. I want to spend every day praising God for healing me and giving me cancer free days, not anxiously wondering if it will return.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” Matt. 6:25-34

What does worry do for us anyway? There is no good in it. While we are to be responsible with our lives and our health, there is no need to fear. I plan to take good care of my cancer free body: eat nutritious food, exercise, actively manage stress, rest well, praise the God who saved me, spend time with family and friends, and refuse to worry! I'm not going to go looking for trouble. Each day God chooses to give me is a gift and I plan to look forward to it and celebrate it. 

This is a new year and it's high time I start focusing on the blessing of life God has set before me. I refuse to let fear have power over me any more. I am no longer going to allow those thoughts of recurrence to enter my mind. The Bible tells me I am to hold EVERY thought captive. 2 Corinthians 10:4–5 says, “For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh. But the weapons of our warfare have divine power to destroy strongholds.[First,] we destroy arguments and every lofty or proud opinion raised against the knowledge of God and [second,] we then take every thought captive.” 

I know I'm in the midst of warfare. Satan wants me to be fearful and worry. He wants me to wonder every day if the cancer has returned and is growing somewhere in my body. But God wants my focus to be on Him and to remember He is in control! That is why it's so important for me to keep my blinders on and to keep my eyes fixed on Christ. If I don't keep looking straight ahead, I might just find myself looking for trouble and I certainly don't want that!

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

The good girl

It's amazing how childhood tendencies toward performance based acceptance carry over into adulthood. As the firstborn, I was raised to be the "good girl." For the most part, I did what I was told, when I was told. I obeyed the rules. I met expectations. I learned to please people and in so doing, I learned to push my wants aside. The waters were always smoother when the boat wasn't rocked, and I liked smooth sailing...but smooth sailing is for dreamers. The reality is the water isn't smooth for long.

When it comes to doctors, I'm a really good girl. I trust them. I listen to them. I think they know a lot more than I do because they've gone to medical school. They've done hours and hours of residencies and internships. They are the experts. I am not. So, when I was recently told by a new oncologist he wanted me to begin taking Aromasin, I didn't question. I listened as he told me it would keep my chances of a recurrence at a very low percentile. Surely he knew what he was talking about. He must have done research on the medication. He must have read my file and determined this would be a good option for me, or maybe not.

Good girls don't voice their opinions. They are compliant. The obey orders. I was a good girl. When I left his office, I was not feeling like a good girl. I was upset. I was angry. I wasn't necessarily angry at the doctor, I was angry at myself. I had wanted to speak up. I had wanted to tell the doctor I didn't want to take the medication, but he had breezed in and breezed out in under 5 minutes. I wasn't happy but I walked out of his office without saying a word. I was a good girl.

On my way home, I struggled. Feelings of unfairness swirled around in the pit of my stomach. I felt like I was going to be sick. Why was I such a good girl? Why couldn't I speak up? In the seat next to me lay the printed prescription. I wanted to roll down the window and let it accidentally slip away.

I'd read about Aromasin while doing research on anti-hormone therapy. There were three Aromtase Inhibitors doctors usually recommended for women who were post menopausal: Arimidex, Aromasin, and Femara. All of these drugs acted in a similar manner although the side effects varied. I had already tried Arimidex and had to stop it because of the debilitating side effects. I was afraid of trying another drug in this category, but I would be compliant. The doctor knew best.

Reluctantly, I took the prescription, went to the drugstore and got it filled. At home, I opened the bottle and looked at the 30 tiny, white pills inside. I wondered how something so small could be so powerful. Placing the cap back on the bottle, I sat it on the counter. I didn't want to take the medicine just yet although I knew I would eventually. I was a good girl.

The medication sat on my counter for several days. Every time I passed the bottle, I could hear a voice inside my head telling me, "Be a good girl...take the Aromasin." There was a war going on inside my head, part of me knew I needed to be good and take the medicine. The other part of me wanted to throw the pills away and forget about them. I let the war wage on for four days and then, I gave into "good girl syndrome." On the first day of January, I opened the bottle and popped one of the tiny pills into my mouth. Yes, I was a good girl. I'd followed doctor's orders.

It was important to me to keep a log of how I felt on the medication, so I began a journal. Days 1-4 were great, I experienced no side effects at all. I was pleased and thankful I'd been willing to follow through and give this medicine a try. I couldn't help but think, maybe this one will be magic. Maybe this will be the pill I've been waiting for all along, but that was before the medication had a chance to build up in my system...that was before the side effects began.

I continued keeping my records and on day 5, I began to get some really weird headaches just to the back of my left eye. They didn't feel anything like a regular headache. They didn't feel like a sinus pressure headache. The headaches felt much more complicated, deeper and more severe. I was concerned, but I tolerated them. If I was going to experience any side effects at all, I'd rather deal with bad headaches than some of the others maladies. The headaches continued. On Day 7, I started getting depressed. Headaches and depression are not a good combination. I'm not a person who gets down in the dumps, I'm usually very upbeat and happy...more Pollyanna than anyone I know, but this tiny little pill really packed a punch. It was strong medicine and it was doing a number on me. I didn't feel so good any more. In fact, I was feeling pretty bad.

Day 8 brought a huge shock. On the shower floor, there was a lot of hair. At first I thought it was a combination of both mine and my husband's hair. I cleaned it out and the next day noticed even more hair. My husband commented on the amount of hair he was seeing. He asked me what was happening. I told him one of the side effects of Aromasin is hair loss. He was concerned and so was I. Over the next few days, I noted more and more hair. This was not good. There was hair in the bathroom sink...hair on the floor...hair in the shower...hair everywhere. As I looked in the mirror, it wasn't immediately apparent that my hair was falling out, but as I brushed through it, I could tell my hair was much thinner than usual.

Days 9-14 the side effects got worse. I didn't feel like myself. I was continuing to have the horrible headaches. I was sad. I was depressed. My hair was falling out and now, I had no appetite. The no appetite could have been a good thing for weight loss and believe me, I did lose weight...11 pounds to be exact, but I just didn't think I could continue with all of the side effects compounding. My husband and I talked about it and we both felt it would be best for me to come off the medication. The scale of quality of life vs. quantity of live stood before us.

While there is always a chance of recurrence, we weighed the options. We had to ask ourselves some hard questions..."Is it better to take this medication for the next 5 years and have a terrible quality of life and still have the possibility of recurrence?" or "Is it better not to take the medication, rely on our faith in God for complete remission, and feel good?" We both chose the latter option.

Many doctors are pill pushers. Some even get kickbacks from the drug companies for encouraging their patients to try new medications but...each breast cancer patient/survivor has to decide what is best for her own health regimen. There are so many factors to consider and they are very personal to each woman.

My decision to stop taking the Aromasin may or may not be the right one, but I've prayed about it and I have peace. Although I am a good girl and I wanted to do what the doctor recommended, it just didn't work for me, but I did try. I know my God is able to protect me from future recurrence and I trust Him more than any medication any doctor could offer. Being compliant doesn't mean following blindly after what a doctor recommends. All patients need to be well informed and do research on the possibility of side effects, etc.

If the Aromasin hadn't caused me any physical side effects, I may have continued it, but experiencing a continuing increase in symptoms, I felt it was not worth the risk to continue on with it. Another side effect Aromasin produces is the possibility of severe bone thinning and bone fractures. I did not want to take that risk and who knows when I might have begun to deal with that.

So, I'll return to my natural health care regimen because it's worked well for me so far. Daily I take Vitamin D2, Magnesium, Potassium, Green Tea, Turmeric, Chlorophyll, Ashwaganda, and Vitamin B12. I also stay away from processed foods and eat a more vegan diet. I will continue doing research for more ways to combat cancer naturally. Apple Cider Vinegar (Bragg's with the Mother) is a great way to put my body into a more alkaline state and cancer hates living in an alkaline environment.

I'm happy with my decision. I expect to get flack from my oncologist when I tell him I've decided not to continue on this medication. I understand they have a protocol they recommend to patients for each stage of cancer treatment and he's just doing his job.

This good girl has finally decided it's okay to stand up and fight for her rights. It's my body and I have to do what's best for me. I feel really good about my decision and look forward to getting this nasty medication out of my body over the next couple of weeks. I can't wait to return to normal and to start feeling better again.

I'm sure there will be many of my friends and family who won't agree with my decision to disregard the doctor's orders. There may be some who feel it would be more beneficial for me to take one tiny pill a day rather than the large quantities of natural supplements I take instead. While I value their opinion, I must choose what's best for me. I don't have a death wish. I don't ever want to experience a recurrence, but none of us are guaranteed tomorrow. So I'll take each day as it comes and be thankful for those I'm given. And really, that's all any of us can do.

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Day 4, so far so good

Today is the fourth day I've been on Aromasin and so far, knock on wood, I haven't noticed any side effects whatsoever! This is great news and I'm hoping it will last. I've been dreading side effects because Aromasin has some pretty severe ones associated with it.

When I first decided to take the medication, I looked up all of the side effects. The ones that scared me the most were hair loss and bone fractures. Isn't that funny to think I'd be afraid of hair loss? But I am. I don't think I'd look good without hair. Some people have great face shapes and look beautiful even with bald, shiny heads but I wouldn't be one of those. I have a very round face and my head would look like a big, giant melon. To top it off, my hair has just finally reached shoulder length. It has taken me from June of 2014 to get it here. I like my hair and want to keep it, but I have been noticing several loose hairs on the shower floor lately...

I was also terrified of bone fractures. Apparently this medication can cause severe bone thinning. I've only had a few broken bones in my life. Once, when I was very young, my forearm was accidentally broken by my sister. She was running and jumping (according to stories my Mom tells) and somehow, ended up landing smack dab on my arm. I don't remember it, but I was told it was a "greenstick" fracture. The only other bones I've had broken were my tibia and fibula on my right leg. Those were nasty breaks from a terrible motor vehicle accident. I remember those well and I remember the pain. On a level of 1-10, those breaks ranked off the charts. That is one reason I don't ever want to experience any bone fractures again and I couldn't even imagine just walking across the floor and a leg bone snapping into pieces. Or, heaven forbid, bumping up against something and a bone shattering....

To say I've been living in dread, while on this medication, is quite accurate. There are many more side effects I haven't mentioned like the possibility of heart attack or stroke, difficulty breathing, severe fatigue, weight gain (my worst nightmare), and others. But, as I said in the beginning of this post, so far, so good! I'm so happy. It's almost too good to be true and I'm waiting for something drastic to occur although I shouldn't be.

Today, I came across a verse of Scripture that addressed my fears. It's found in the book of Proverbs chapter 1 verse 33 and it says, "whoever listens to me will dwell secure and will be at ease, without dread of disaster." When I first read it, it didn't sink in, so I read it again. The second time I read it, I realized I've been dreading disaster while on this medication. I've been expecting the worst. Isn't that just like us, as humans, to always be expecting the "other shoe to drop?" And that's exactly where Satan wants us to be...in a state of fear. He wants us to be fearful because he knows he has power over us when we don't walk in truth. This is a dangerous time because when we are afraid, we do our best to control things and fix things and make things all right. Our fears can overpower us and hold us captive. But look back at the verse in Proverbs. It says, ""whoever listens to me will dwell secure and will be at ease, without dread of disaster." Whoever listens to me (that's Jesus speaking) will dwell secure and be at ease without dread of disaster. That tells me that no matter what I think or feel or expect to happen, it's not necessarily going to happen and if I choose to listen to what God says, over those screaming, fearful voices in my head, I will be at peace...at ease...it will be okay. I won't have to dread disaster coming. I won't have to be afraid. Whew!

One of my favorite books of all time is Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. It's filled with allegories of Biblical truth. If you've never read it, you should! One of the characters in the book is called Much-Afraid (she symbolizes a young, fearful girl who has much to learn about life and I see myself in her character.) The Shepherd (Jesus) is talking to Much-Afraid encouraging her to continue on in her journey. Craven Fear is symbolic of Satan. This is an except from the book:

Then the Shepherd smiled more comfortingly than ever before, laid both hands on her head and said, "Be strong, yea, be strong and fear not." Then He continued, "Much-Afraid, don't ever allow yourself to being trying to picture what it will be like. Believe Me, when you get to the places which you dread you will find that they are as different as possible from what you have imagined, just as was the case when you were actually ascending the precipice. I must warn you that I see your enemies lurking among the trees ahead, and if you ever let Craven Fear begin painting a picture on the screen of your imagination, you will walk with fear and trembling and agony, where no fear is." 
That little segment speaks volumes and certainly ties in with the Scripture in Proverbs.

God doesn't want me to live in a state of fear or dread expecting the worst, but Satan does. God wants me to walk in freedom knowing He's got me in the palm of His hand and He's not going to let anything happen to me. He's in control. And with that in mind, if He chooses to allow any side effects to touch my life, it'll be okay. He'll take care of me. I can always talk to my doctor and let him know the medication is causing problems. I can stop taking it at any point. But, I'm going to trust God in this because I know that's what I should do.

Before I started taking the medication, I waited two weeks. I prayed about it. I asked God what I should do. I didn't know if I should take it or not. My doctor was pushing me to take it, but doctors sometimes have other reasons for wanting you to take medication and the Great Physician trumps any medical doctor I currently see.

So....I'm just thankful! I'm so happy to be able to take the medication without any side effects. This was an unexpected surprise! I don't know why I wasted so much energy on fearing the worst. Hopefully, this month, of trial on the Aromasin, will be a good one and I can continue for the next 5 years as the doctor hopes. It will be a good thing if it works out that way. Keeping cancer at bay is my goal and I don't ever want to experience a recurrence. I've got too much life ahead of me to live as Much-Afraid did.

Tomorrow will be day 5. I'll take one day at a time and I'll trust my Shepherd to lead me all the way. It's so much nicer to be free from the heavy burden of dread. It can leave me on the edge of my moments feeling exhausted and that's no way to live. Thank goodness, I can trust in Jesus and be at ease!

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Another new year

It's so hard to believe today is January 1, 2016. It sounds so unreal...two thousand sixteen...wow! When I was a child growing up in the late 1950's and early 1960's, I never dreamed I'd even exist in the year 2016. It was fun to watch the Jetsons on TV and dream of the future, but to be in the middle of it is incomprehensible. Celebrating another new year has caused me to really take things in perspective and to really focus on time.

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, I removed my watch and haven't put it back on since. I didn't want to be cognizant of time. I wanted to learn to live in the moment and for the past year and a half, it's been wonderful to do just that very thing. I've found myself being more present. Time has taken on a new meaning. Isn't it strange that it took cancer to give me this gift? The beautiful ugliness of cancer has caused all things important in my life to rise to the surface. I've learned to let the things that didn't matter slough off like dead skin on the bottom of dry, hard, calloused feet. The things that matter are in front of me now...front and center...my faith, my family, my friends.

Today, I was forced to consider time in a new way. Instead of focusing on the present, I looked to the future. I wondered how much time I have left on this journey. I don't think about my life that way very often, but as I looked at the bottle of Aromasin sitting in my cabinet, I couldn't help but wonder if it would help prolong my life...perhaps help buy a little more time.

I'd had that bottle of Aromasin sitting in the cabinet for a little over a week and a half. The oncologist had given it and instructed me to begin taking it right away but I didn't. I had to think long and hard about it, but this was the day. I'd talked with my husband about whether or not he thought I should take it. We'd sat at the kitchen table joining hands and asking God for wisdom and direction. We'd asked for His protection. I picked up the pill bottle and held it in my hand turning it around and around. Should I or shouldn't I? I wasn't really sure but Phil said I should at least try it for a month. One month. We'd decided it was a good idea to try this medication for one month, kind of a trial run. We wanted to see if it would really help. Our hope was it would provide a way to gain more time.

I looked at the tiny white pill as it rested in the fleshy folds of my hand. It was so minuscule and yet, it contained a very powerful formulation of medication. How could such a little pill pack such a powerful punch to the hormone Estrogen in my body? I didn't understand it and didn't pretend to, I just took the pill.

The Aromasin went down easily with a glass of water. As I took it, I prayed I wouldn't experience the nasty side effects that went along with this type of medication. I didn't want my hair to fall out and I didn't want to have my bones become brittle and weak. It was scary taking this risk.

Time. Before me lie 365 days of unknown future. As I write this, I stare at a little plaque that sits on my desk. It says, "I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know who holds tomorrow." As I think about my past, my present and my future, I know God has always been there and always will be. As I wonder about what's in store for me in this new year, one of my favorite verses of Scripture pops into my head - " For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 That verse is one I cling to on a daily basis, especially now.

It's hard to explain the way breast cancer has changed my perspective on life. Others who've suffered from cancer or debilitating diseases can probably understand a little more easily than those of you who are in perfectly good health. I guess what I hope to convey in this post is my desire to cherish each and every moment God sees fit to give me. I don't want to take any of them for granted like I did in the past and that is why I can honestly say cancer has been a gift. It's been a teaching gift, one that has taught me such valuable lessons I might never have learned had I not been given the opportunity to walk this path.

Have you ever noticed the name of my blog? I named it Journey Into Pink. I wanted to choose a name that would embody how I saw my experience with cancer. A journey is defined as:

1. a traveling from one place to another, usually taking a rather long time
2. a period of travel
3. passage or progress from one stage to another

I never intended to spend any length of time on the road with cancer. My intention was to walk through it and come out victorious on the other side. I always have seen myself as a sojourner, a traveler passing through this life. One thing I've learned on my journey is God's timing determines the length and duration of my journey. 

So this year, as I begin the first day of this new segment of my life, I am grateful. When I got out of bed this morning, the first thing I did was give thanks to God for another day of life. I may not know how many days I have left, but I know who holds my future. 

There are 29 pills left in that bottle. I will take another tomorrow morning. Yes, I will pray again and hope for the best but I will choose not to be afraid of tomorrow. My time is in His hands and I will choose to take it one moment at a time.

Before my cancer diagnosis, I waited on the big moments in my life while trying to live faithfully through the small ones. Now, that way of life feels so strange to me. I live in the big, open grace of the small moments and wait expectantly and humbly for the big moments to come. The small things have come to matter so much more...a fire in the fireplace, a mug of tea in my hand, the smile of a grandchild, a kiss from my husband...all of those things are priceless treasures of time. Cancer has slowed me down and caused me to see more clearly. I hope this new year will help you see things in a new light. It's so easy to take moments for granted...they slip away so quickly and when they're gone, you can never get them back. Hold on tightly to the things that matter most and let the rest fall away. It's a new day...a new year, a new chance at learning to live life well. I hope you choose wisely. 

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

A new oncologist (well for a day anyway!)

I'd been dreading going to see the new oncologist. Since my old oncologist decided to up and move his practice, I was forced into choosing a new one. It's hard to choose a new doctor when you don't know a thing about them. All I had to go on, in making my selection, was what I could read online. It wasn't much and I was nervous, but I chose a name that sounded familiar, Dr. Assiskas. He'd been my neighbor's oncologist and she'd told me he was quite good. I'd just have to trust her opinion, but it wouldn't be easy.

It's hard to give your story to a new doctor in an abbreviated version. Doctors are always looking at their watches...to them, time is money and money is time. When Dr. A walked into the room, he extended his hand. I took it and shook it and as I did, he told me his name. He sat on a little stool across from me and before I'd even had a chance to mutter 2 words, he said, "I want to put you on Exemestane...Aromasin. I think it's the best choice. Yes, that's what we'll do." Then he got up to leave. I was dumbfounded. This new doctor didn't know jack squat about me unless he'd taken time to read completely through my file and I doubt he'd taken time to do that.

As he was rising, I said, "Wait. I have a some concerns." He looked at me like a deer in headlights and I continued. I told him I was concerned about the polyps in my stomach. He asked how I knew I had stomach polyps and I handed him a stack of photos from the EGD I'd had done in 2013. As he looked at the photos, he sat back down. Ha! Gotcha Doc! He only took a few seconds but as he realized I did indeed have polyps in my stomach, he told me he'd get me scheduled to see a gastroenterologist. Then, he walked out the door.

I sat there trying really hard not to be ticked off. I had come all the way into town to see this new doctor and had expected him to spend at least 15 minutes of time with me. I may have gotten 4. I was not happy. I had not been able to share any of the other concerns I'd had with him before he left the room. Yes, I could have demanded he stay and listen to me, but I didn't. That's not my style. I'd given him a trial run and he had failed...miserably failed.

At the checkout desk, the receptionist tried to schedule another appointment with Dr. A for me. I started to make the appointment and then I told myself NO. No, I was not going to see this uncaring, unfeeling jerk again. No. I talked to the receptionist about it and asked her if Dr. A was always in such a hurry. She said he wasn't usually. I explained my disappointment and told her I didn't want to see him again. She assured me it was fine. She said, "You can choose another doctor in the practice and I'll make the appointment." So I did. I chose to see the last partner in the group, Dr. Franz. In three months, I'd give him a trial run and if he didn't pass the test, I'd drive 30 miles to see my old oncologist, Dr. Feinstein.

I guess doctors get so busy they forget how it feels to be a peon...a patient. All we want is a listening ear and some suggestions for solutions. It's terrible to feel like your doctor doesn't see you or hear you. It's very unnerving to have real health issues that need to be addressed and to have those needs go unattended.

If Dr. A had looked into my chart, he would have read I've already been on 2 anti-hormone therapy medications - Tamoxifen and Arimidex. Both of those caused me to have horrible side effects. After trying those drugs, I'd told Dr. Feinstein I wanted to pursue a natural route in my healing process. I'd chosen not to take any medications but to focus on changing my diet. I'd done a lot of research on natural remedies for breast cancer and had come up with a daily regimen. If he'd read my chart, he would have known I'd gone into great detail with Dr. F. He would have also seen that Dr. F had given me his support and understanding. But, Dr. A had failed to read those important notes and had just looked at me as yet another breast cancer patient.

All breast cancer patients can't be treated the same way. We all can't just be given a medication and shoved out the door. We have real physical problems, side effects, that come as the result of treatment and we need to be able to talk to our doctors and get help with those issues.

Needless to say, I was very disappointed when I left Dr. A's office. I cried all the way home. I don't want to take a drug that is going to make me loose my hair, have extreme bone pain, be prone to fractures, be fatigued all the time and suffer severe depression or mood swings. No. That's not for me. The quality of my life is important and no, I may not get to have the quantity of life I want to have, but I do want to feel good in the days I have left.

A few days after I'd seen the doctor, I got an email requesting input on a provider satisfaction survey. I had fun taking that survey, especially since I was able to remain anonymous. I guess that will prompt Dr. A to do a little reading, huh?

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