Hair today, gone tomorrow

I'm up at 4 a.m. Who does that??? I didn't want to be awake at 4. The room was cozy, dark, and cool...just the way I like it. My husband was in the bed next to me snoring his sweet little heart out. He'd be getting up soon to head out to work. I tried to re-adjust my pillows and close my eyes again but my bladder screamed NO. I hopped out of bed and padded into the dark bathroom then crawled back into bed. I lay there for a long time trying to drift off to sleep. I couldn't do it. Once I'm awake, I can't go back to sleep so I got up.

It wasn't long before I got a text from my daughter. Early morning texts from one or two of my four children are pretty typical. We exchanged a few texts and then my cell phone rang. I was surprised she was up early and ready to talk, especially with four little ones. We chatted for about half an hour while I inhaled a bowl of oatmeal. After we ended our call, I sat at the kitchen table and read my Bible. The early part of the day is always the best for my devotional and prayer time.

Glancing at the clock, I realized it was now mid morning. I hadn't even taken a shower! The day was getting away and I had so much to do. I headed into the bathroom and turned on the water. Oh, it was going to feel so good! I jumped in and soaped up. As I lathered up my bath pouf, I noticed my upper arms were already swollen. I get so tired of this aggravation, but know I'll deal with it the rest of my life. My lymphatic system has been disrupted. Lymphatic fluid pools around my arm pits thanks to breast cancer surgery and the removal of some of my lymph nodes. 

When I'd finished my shower, I glanced down at the shower floor. There amid the soapy bubbles were many strands of hair. I thought that would have stopped by now. I've been off of the Aromasin for almost 2 weeks. As far as I can tell, it's out of my system but I'm wondering why I continue to lose hair. I haven't studied a lot about Aromatase Inhibitors but I know hair loss is only one of the dark side effects I've experienced. 

Cleaning up the hair was gross. By the time I was done, I had a quarter sized wad in my hand. My poor hairs!!! I wondered if the follicles they used to be attached to had died. Perhaps that was the case and I'd never have hair in those follicles again. 

I towel dried and put on my clothes. Gently, ever so gently, I combed through my wet hair with a wide toothed comb. I didn't want to break or damage any of my remaining hair. I've always heard wet hair is weaker than dry hair.

I've been taking a Biotin supplement for the past few weeks and I've also been using Biotin shampoo. Biotin is supposed to help strengthen weak hair, promote healthier skin and provide stronger nails. Too much of it can make you prone to skin breakouts though so it's important to drink lots of water while taking it. 

My hair was almost completely dry now but I decided to use the hair dryer for just a few minutes to get the damp, underneath portions. As I was blowing my hair, I looked in the sink to see if any more hairs had given up and let go. There were a few dead guys lying on their backs, so I scooped them up when I was done. 

I looked in the mirror and saw a wide space on my scalp. My part had grown! I guessed this was where those rogue hairs had been attached before they'd decided to slide onto the shower floor. Hmmm...maybe it's time for a change in the way I'm wearing my hair. I took the boar bristle brush and gently moved the hair to the other side of my face. Yes, that was better! It looked a bit more full too. 

It's concerning to lose hair but I'm thankful I haven't lost it all. It's cold outside and I don't think my poor ears could go without some sort of warm covering for the next couple of months. If my part gets any wider, I guess I'll resort to wearing a scarf of some sort or a hat. If even more hairs decide to let go, a wig might be in order. I'm doing what I can to protect the hairs I have left and hopefully the Biotin will encourage new growth as well as strengthening the hairs I have now. 

Hair. It's a nice asset to have and it certainly helps define our style, but it isn't absolutely necessary. When I think about hair, I can't help but think of the Bible verse that says God knows the number of hairs on my head. What a concept! He knows the number of hairs on your head, too. I'm glad I don't know the original number of hairs allotted to me and I'm glad I don't know if that number has changed for better or for worse. I'm just thankful I've got some! It's certainly not my intention to sound vain here. I do have empathy toward other survivors or patients who've lost all their hair to chemotherapy. Thankfully, I didn't opt to take that form of treatment. 

I wish doctors could understand how hard it is for women to go through all the devastation of physical and emotional changes related to breast cancer. If they did, they'd be so much more understanding when prescribing anti-hormone therapy medications and they'd make sure to explain the potential side effects involved. But that isn't usually the case. It's up to us to read the information that comes with our prescriptions. It's up to us to do our research and talk to others. That's one of the reasons I wanted to share this post today...in hopes of helping someone else who may have just started taking Aromasin.

It's important for us to realize our physical appearance is just an outer glimpse into who we really are...we're so much more than that! Even though I've lost a good bit of hair, I'm not going to let it cause me to feel bad about myself or to feel less than others. It's something beyond my control, but I'm doing everything in my power to put the odds in my favor by taking supplements and drinking lots of water. 

So long little hairs...you're heading down the drain. I'm sad to see you go but I'm hopeful new hairs will grow in your place, and if they don't...well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it! 

"But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered [for the Father is sovereign and has complete knowledge]." Matthew 10:30 Amplified Bible (AMP)

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

It's time for it to come off

I made a decision last night that I feel good about. I've been thinking about it for some time now and truthfully, I know it's time. I've been struggling with it for years now and I've done everything I could possibly think of to prolong this decision...but I've finally accepted the fact that it's time for my hair to come off.

September 2014 longer hair

When I was a teenager, I first began experimenting with hair color. I don't remember why I wanted to do it. I must have seen a commercial on TV advertising Miss Clairol or something. I thought it would be a great idea to change the color of my hair. Back then, my hair was a beautiful shade of reddish brown with golden highlights. People would kill for that color. I wasn't disappointed with my hair, I just wanted a change, and you know teenagers, they're impulsive. 

I bought a bottle of hair color and told my mother that I was going to dye my hair. She wasn't too happy. She tried her best to discourage me, but I was determined. I read the back of the box and followed the instructions to a tee. After about 45 minutes, my hair was a totally different color. I no longer had the beautiful reddish brown hair with golden highlights that God had so graciously given me, now I had bright clown red hair. I wasn't happy. 

Back to the drugstore I went to find a way to correct this colossal mistake. The only thing I could think to do was dye my hair a darker shade, so I picked out a nice black thinking it would do the trick. When I got home, I went through the entire process again, and after another 45 minutes, my hair was no longer bright red, but midnight black. I stood looking in the mirror at my reflection. Who was this person? My complexion looked stark bwhite against my dark, dark hair. I wasn't thrilled but it was better than the bright red. 

March 2015 shorter hair

That began my love/hate relationship with hair color. From that first experience when I was a teen til now, almost 43 years later, I can't tell you how many boxes of hair color I've bought. I also can't tell you how many hair emergencies I've had during those years. Once, while recoloring my hair too soon after having just dyed it, my hair turned green! No, I'm not kidding. It was green! Thank heavens Clairol, or one of their competitors, invented a product to remove those horrid mistakes. I wish they'd had "Color Oops" back in the 70's when some of my worst hair nightmares occurred. 

Over the years, I've learned a thing or two about hair color and the proper way to apply it. I've learned which products would give the best results and which colors looked best on me. I would say, after 40 something years of coloring and highlighting my hair, I've become a pro. I'd also say, I'm really tired of coloring, especially now that I have Lymphedema in my arms. 

When I was younger, it was so easy to color my hair. My arms never got tired and I could have applied and removed hair dye all day long. Now, I struggle to lift my arms over my head. The swelling from Lymphedema is the culprit behind my difficulties and that very culprit has helped lead me to my decision...to shave my head. 

August 2015 at the salon

I told my youngest daughter about my decision last night. At 27, She was all for it! I asked her if she'd help me, you see, I can't manage the clippers myself because of arm pain. She was more than happy to help. I explained that I was tired of fighting the signs of aging. Every time I dyed my hair, I told her, within a few weeks, I'd have a band of white framing my face. No matter what color I chose, the white always came back and it just wasn't worth it any more for me to keep the battle going. 

She asked if I was going to shave my head bald. I hadn't really thought about it, but I guess that would get rid of the majority of the color. Then I got to thinking...it's going to be much cooler soon. I get cold easily. Could I deal with having no hair on my head? Wouldn't I freeze to death? I could always put on a hat, or a wig....hmmmm. 

I haven't decided how short I'll go. I know my goal is to get this fake hair color off of my head and allow my natural, God given, white hairs a chance to grow. It's going to be strange seeing myself with a head full of white locks, but it's time. I'm almost 58. I'm over the facade. I just want to be real. 

August 2015 highlights

It's amazing how losing your breasts can cause you to become fierce. Fifteen months of struggle and I've finally gotten to the point where I don't care about people's opinions any longer. The outside of me doesn't reflect the inside of me, so what's a few less hairs? I can always grow them back again. Think of all the money I'll save! And think of all the fun I can have playing with different wigs! I can go from short to long, blonde to black, in just a few minutes. Yes, it's definitely time...as soon as I get back from vacation, the clippers are coming out. I'm going to redefine what it means to be BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL. 

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Practical love

Standing in the bathroom, I pulled out the hair dryer and began to dry my sopping wet hair. We had company coming and I was hurrying to get ready. For me, it's a chore to dry my hair. I don't have a lot of hair, and it isn't long...that's not the problem at all. My problem lies in my swollen arms. Even at this early hour, the Lymphedema makes little things challenging.

"Let me do it, " my husband said as he walked up behind me and took the hair dryer from me. He had seen me struggling. As his big, manly hands took control of the hot pink hair dryer, I looked up at him and smiled. Here was my 6 foot 4 husband playing hair stylist. He'd never done this before in over 22 years of marriage, but he knew there was a need and his love prompted him to act. 

I love it when God shows up during acts of practical love! As my husband was blowing my hair around, I didn't have the heart to tell him I usually styled my hair with a round brush while drying it. I was just so overwhelmed that he actually wanted to help me that I didn't care one tiny bit how he was doing it. I watched him in the mirror as he continued to shake my hair with one hand, moving the strands around gently, as he blew with the other. The determination on his face was priceless. I could almost see the love pouring out of him.

When he was through, he looked at my hair and asked if it was okay. I looked up at him and grinned. He'd done a perfect job! No, my hair wasn't styled like I usually style it, but that's okay. What mattered more was the love that gone into that styling job! If I'd gone to a salon for a blow out, they would have charged $20! No amount of money on earth could have bought the tender love and affection my husband had put into this fifteen minute time slot. 

He walked back into the living room to watch his television show and left me standing there in front of the mirror. As I looked at my reflection, tears welled up in my eyes. How many men would have taken time to notice their wife was having difficulty doing such a simple task as drying their hair? I bet not many, but since my surgery and my problems with Lymphedema, my sweet husband has become my knight in shining armor. There's no task too small in his eyes. Whatever he can do to help, he does. And the things he does...he does purely out of love. A real practical, everyday love for me. 

I am so blessed! My hot pink hair dryer sits in the caddy on the bathroom counter now. It's quiet and cool just waiting for the next blow dry opportunity to come along. I know it won't always happen, but whenever my adoring husband offers to dry my hair again, I'm going to let him. It felt pretty good to be pampered today and it felt even better to feel so very loved. 

My arms thanked him because they were so swollen and made movement difficult. Sure, I could have pushed through the pain and gone ahead and dried my hair like I always do, but today, I let love take over. Practical love. 

We all have opportunities to show our love to each other in practical ways. Have you looked for a way to step in and bless someone you love? You never know when the opportunity will present itself and when it does, you have to be ready...listen for that little God whisper that says "why don't you _________ and show _______ your love for him/her right now? That little nudge may be all it takes to present love in a practical way and it will affect the recipient as much or more than it affects you, I promise!

©bonnie annis all rights reserved