Wrestling with myself

For the past week I haven't been able to sleep...funny how a diagnosis of Cancer will do that to you. Oh, I've been tired and I've tried to close my eyes and rest but sleep just never would come. My mind was racing thinking constantly about the future. I tossed and turned and just about bounced my husband off of the bed.

I'll admit it. I'm a worrier. I always have been. Even though I know I'm not supposed to worry, I do. Someone once said that worrying shortens your life and that's probably true...even so, I worry. I've been worrying about my upcoming surgery, worrying about recovery, worrying about treatments, worrying about medical bills, worrying about how those bills are going to get paid, worrying about losing my hair, etc., etc., etc. I know, it's silly to "borrow trouble" as my grandmother used to say,...so why am I worrying?

My husband has been so concerned about my lack of sleep that he took me to a mattress store the other day and told me to pick out a new king sized set. I felt like a silly school girl going from one mattress to another lying down and "experiencing it" (as the salesman put it). After testing out about 5 or 6, I'd come to a decision and we quickly made our purchase and went home.

The mattress set was delivered yesterday. How nice it was to see the 10 year old one being removed and the new one set up in its place. I couldn't wait for the delivery men to leave so I could get on it and see how it felt.

When they left, I crawled up into the middle of the bed and just lay there. It felt amazing! The soft plush top with a firm foundation cradled my body as the cooling gel pad gave instant comfort. This was going to be nice. As I lay there, my brain went into overdrive.

This time I wasn't worrying, I was just "pondering" to use a biblical term. As I was thinking deep thoughts, I began to realize that some of the things I'd been wrestling with were lies. Let me give you my list:

Lies I've believed lately (whether for a second, several minutes, several hours, or several days):
1. I'm going to die from Cancer.
2. My husband is not going to love me or be attracted to me any longer once I have my breasts removed.
3. We're going to go bankrupt from massive amounts of medical bills.
4. My life is over and I'll never be the same.

Those are pretty heavy lies to believe but the truth is, they did travel through the recesses of my mind and dug in there for a little while. Some of them lounged around and kicked off their shoes making themselves right at home. Others snuck in through the back door of my mind and stealthily crawled across the floor until they found a good hiding place and quietly rested there. All of them had a good time hanging out with me, tormenting me, stealing my sleep but then...

Last night, after talking with several of my friends, I decided to try some Melatonin. It's a natural hormone that your body makes to help you know when to sleep and when to wake. About half an hour before bed, I took one of those little gems and lay on my bed waiting for the sweet gift of sleep to come.

It came all right! I slept from 11 last night until 7 this morning! That's the first good night's sleep I've had in over a week. I feel refreshed and alive. I feel new and revived! And that led me to do some deep thinking this morning. I knew I had to counter those lies that I'd allowed to take up residence with the truth. As I read my Bible this morning, I received answers that countered those lies.

Truth:
1. While I may ultimately die from Cancer or something related to it, only God knows exactly when and where and how I'm going to die. I'm not going to die one second before He intends me to do so. He has numbered my days.
2. Yes, my physical appearance will be greatly altered and I will have hideous scars but the outside of me doesn't define the inside of me. My husband knows me inside and out. He's seen the "good, the bad, and the ugly" and he loves me inspite of it all. He vowed to love me "for better or worse, in sickness and in health," and he meant it. God will help him get through this.
3. We will have many medical bills in the days ahead and they'll keep coming as I go through various treatments, return for checkups, have lab work done, etc. But...God knew way before I ever did that this disease was coming. He is Jehovah Jireh and He will provide. We do have health insurance for which I am very thankful. My husband has a good job and gets a good bit of overtime. God has kept him healthy and strong so he can work to provide for us. God will meet our every need not because we need Him to or want Him to...but because of who He is and because He loves us.
4. Yes, my old life is over. I'm going to have to learn a "new normal." I won't ever be the same and I'm glad. Hopefully, I will be a more compassionate and caring person. Hopefully, I will live in the moment instead of worrying about tomorrow. Hopefully, I'll learn to rest and not feel guilty about it.

I'm tired of wrestling with myself. I'm tired of being tired! I'm thankful that after a good night's sleep I was able to see a little more clearly. I'm thankful for my new bed and for my new friend, Melatonin, but most of all, I'm thankful that I have my faith to carry me through this journey. Without God by my side, I don't think I'd make it. God didn't give me something I could handle. He gave me something I simply couldn't have handled without Him.

© Bonnie Annis all rights reserved 

Let's get real...

Okay ladies. When I first started writing this blog, I wanted to combine my personal journey through Breast Cancer with my faith. I thought I could have a wonderful ministry tool where I could reach those who might need to know that God is real and that He cares even when we are struggling and going through some horrid disease like Cancer. While that is still my goal, I think I'm going to take a different approach. Instead of making it all neat and tidy and dressed up with pink ribbons (pun intended), I'm going to peel off the layers and let you see me without any protective coverings. If you're ready to continue on my journey with me, keep reading. If not, you'd better jump ship now because the ride's going to get a little bumpy....

From the very moment I heard the words come through the phone receiver, I felt weak in the knees. I couldn't believe my ears as the radiologist said, "I'm sorry to report that you have Cancer." I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs and say, "WHAT DID YOU SAY, CAN YOU REPEAT THAT???" but I didn't. I stood there,  in the middle of my living room, all alone, in total silence. I tried the best I could to comprehend what my brain had just received.

It took a little while for me to process. I mulled it over in my mind and thought what I'm sure thousands of women before me have thought...no, not me. Why me? Are they sure? How will I tell my husband? How will I tell the kids? All of those probing, deafening questions pounded my brain and I'm sure I didn't handle them well. In fact, I know I didn't. How would you like to receive a text message that just says "I've got Cancer?" Well, that's exactly what my kids got...a simple but profound statement. I couldn't handle anything more at the time. I knew I needed to tell them face to face but they're all scattered and getting them all together would have been a struggle. I sent a text to my husband as well. He was at work when I got the news and I needed him to know right away. He can't use the phone during work hours so I texted. How cold and callous is that? I guess I could have waited until he got home from work and sat him down and cried and said "honey, our future is about to change. I've just received devastating news..." No. I'm a spur of the moment type of person. I love technology and I wanted to get the word out as quickly as possible. I didn't think how they might react. I wasn't trying to be selfish, I just was trying to be real.

I did the same thing with my Facebook friends. I posted an announcement of sorts letting them all know my dreadful news. I decided selfishly that it would be easier to send out a blanket statement instead of getting in touch with them one by one. It worked. The people who care about me read my post and immediately started to correspond with me. As each message of love and support came through, I tried to respond with more detail.

I just re-read all of my blog posts to date. Wow, I was impressed. They sounded so "together" and so strong. They sounded a little too good to be true, even to me. That's why I want to start over. I want to begin at the beginning. I want to take you on this journey with me as if you're right here beside me. I want you to feel like we're best friends and that we have been best friends for a long, long time. I want to be open and honest with you. I want to cry when I need to and I want you to be the shoulder I cry on. I want to be angry when I feel like it and I want to slam my fist into the wall as I see the startled look on your face. I don't intend to scare you, I just want you to experience the rawness of Cancer. I want you to see and feel what it does to someone who gets it.

It won't be pretty, I can almost guarantee you that. I'm sure some days will be better than others and on the good days, I'll be cheerful and happy and upbeat. I'll focus on what God's doing in my life and how much I'm learning to lean on Him. On the bad days, I might be sad, lonely, or depressed. I might get angry (although I don't usually do that), but I just might. I'll still try to focus on what God's doing but I may have more questions for Him than not.

So let me continue and get you back up to speed. So after I texted my family members and let them know I had Cancer, and after I posted on Facebook that I had Cancer, I went into my bathroom and cried. I cried so hard that I couldn't breathe. After I calmed down a little, I went into my office and decided to write a few emails, but as I sat at my computer, all I could think about was CANCER. I slid out of the chair and onto the floor. I lay there crying and praying all at the same time. I asked God why I had Cancer...had I done something to cause it? Had I eaten the wrong foods, had I said or done something in my life to deserve this but I knew that God didn't really work that way. I also asked God if it was an answer to a prayer that I had prayed a while back asking Him to restore my extended family and to do whatever it took to make that happen...but He didn't answer. The only thing I heard was silence.

I lay there for a long time. I don't remember how long I lay there but I was tired of crying. So I decided to get up and then something came over me. It was God's peace. I didn't hear an actual voice, but I felt Him speaking to my heart and saying that the reason I got Cancer was for His glory...that's it....just for His glory. I know that sounds so weird to say but it's the truth. I don't understand it any more than you do, but for whatever reason, God's chosen to allow me to have Cancer.

On the way to meet with the surgeon the next day, I got a call from their office. They said the doctor was delayed and that I should wait and come an hour later. I was already on my way, so I kept driving and just decided I'd read a book while waiting in the waiting room. I waited 2 hours for the doctor to arrive and then waited another 30 minutes in the examining room. When she finally came in, she did a quick breast exam and told me that she had to run into the room next door to drain a cyst for another patient. I was a little peaved that she was leaving me after I'd waited so long but I'm a pretty patient person so I waited again. When she came back in, she sat down and talked to me. She talked to me for over 2 hours. She drew diagrams and charts, explained terminology and asked if I had any questions. She answered all of my questions and by the time we were through, I felt like I had a new friend. She was young, 38, and had been doing breast surgeries for 6 years. She had 2 little boys and a wonderful husband. She was funny and caring and attentive. I felt good knowing that she would be doing my surgery.

I drove home and on the way, I thought about everything we'd discussed. I wanted to be sure I kept all the details in order so I could share them with my husband when he came home from work. I had been told that I'd get a call with a surgery date in a day or two.

After supper, I sat with my husband and we cried together. We cried because we don't know what the days ahead will hold. We reaffirmed our love for one another. We remembered our vows "for better or worse, in sickness and in health...til death do us part." We never dreamed that it might come so soon in our lives.

The phone still hasn't rung. No surgery date has been set but I'm expecting that call to come this afternoon. I'm certainly not looking forward to it. I'm scared to death to pick up the phone when I see the doctor's office on the caller ID.  But I will answer it because I'm a planner and I have to plan. I have to figure out a way to fit this surgery into my life.

I just got a Facebook message from a new friend I've made because of Breast Cancer. She's the one who's encouraged me to be real. You see, several years ago, she was given the same exact diagnosis that I received. She's now in the end stages of Cancer...stage 4. She knows that unless God chooses to do an amazing miracle in her life that she's going to die of this disease. She told me that we're not warriors and that we're not in a battle. She said we're just women survivors of a horrible disease. I have used the analogy of war and warriors in my previous blog posts but out of respect for her, I won't do that any longer. She's right you know...we're just women surviving. Cancer just makes things a little more complicated.

Breast Cancer is an unwelcomed guest. It barges into your life without knocking. It storms into your house and raids the refrigerator, smears muddy footprints on your carpet and reeks havoc while you hide behind the counter. It toys with your emotions and wraps tentacles of anguish tightly around you squeezing the air from your lungs. It confuses you, jeers at you and mocks you. It is evil and I hate it.

Do you have a small taste of what Cancer feels like? I hope you do. I hope you never have to experience it first hand. I hope you never have anyone in your family go through it either. I do hope you can get a tiny glimmer of what the world of a Cancer patient is really like and if you think this is difficult, just wait...there's more coming.

© Bonnie Annis all rights reserved 

The pink sisterhood

Breast Cancer...they say one in 8 women will get it at some point in their lives. Those aren't good odds in my book because I'm one of the ones that Cancer has chosen. Although I didn't choose this battle, I'm going to fight it with everything in me, and I think that's the attitude most of the women with Cancer  share in today's world.

Isn't it funny how something as devastating as Breast Cancer can unite so many women? Complete strangers feel an automatic bond with one another as the diagnosis of Breast Cancer is shared. I've experienced this over the past few days as first one and then another Breast Cancer patients or survivors contact me through email, my blog, or Facebook. I've been amazed at their generosity and their sweet spirits. They are candid and eager to answer any questions that "newbies" might have, and boy have I given them lots of those! There's a rawness and realness in each of their stories and each of those is very different, but one thing we all share is a warrior spirit. We want to fight. We want to live.


These armies of women are warriors in pink. Many have won their fight and many are still fighting. Some have lost their battle but gave their all during their personal war with Breast Cancer. One thing all of these women share is a zest for life. Their desire to live is strong! They laugh and cry over procedures, reconstructions, and sweet memories. They feel free to talk about things that most women would shy away from but that's the boldness that Cancer affords them, and they deserve that freedom.

We can learn from each other in ways we cannot learn from others. We can support one another in ways that others are not able to support us. We can understand one another in ways no one else can understand. We have a special opportunity to help each other by sharing our common experiences and common load. We empower one another by providing our insight and wisdom, and most importantly, we inspire each other by living full, beautiful lives.

I read this statement about Cancer somewhere... "it’s the best sorority with the worst initiation." When I was in college, I always wanted to be part of a sorority but never had that experience. Now I'm proud to be a new member of the "Pink Sisterhood" a sorority of some of the bravest women I know.

Back in the 70's singer songwriter, Helen Reddy came up with a song entitled "I am Woman." The lyrics are powerful and speak to my heart as I go down this Cancer road. It's comforting to know I'm not on this journey alone...

I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'Cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again

Oh yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong
(Strong)
I am invincible
(Invincible)
I am woman

You can bend but never break me
'Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'Cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

Oh yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong
(Strong)
I am invincible
(Invincible)
I am woman

I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long, long way to go
Until I make my brother understand

Oh yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can face anything
I am strong
(Strong)
I am invincible
(Invincible)
I am woman

I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman

©Bonnie Annis all rights reserved

A new perspective

My friends and my family know that I'm a person who is always planning and looking to the future. As soon as one vacation is finished, I'm busy planning the next. I don't know when I started doing this, it just seems I always have looked to the future that is, until last week.

When I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, I immediately looked at things differently. Cancer changes your perspective on life. Instead of planning long range goals, vacations, trips, and future events you find yourself learning to focus on the moment. When you shift your focus from "then" to "now"...you're able to see a little more clearly.


I'm an avid photographer. I love pulling out my cameras and deciding what the subject of my next photograph will be. I take great care in planning the composition, checking the lighting, and finding the right exposure. I have a specific goal in mind before I even begin to shoot; and I can visualize the outcome of the final print...but the world looks very differently through the lens of Cancer.

Looking through the lens of Cancer, I am forced to view every aspect of life as precious. I no longer take the mundane things of daily life for granted. Every touch, every smile, every call, every visit mean so much more to me now. Why is it that we don't understand the fragility of life until we are faced with our own mortality?

Sometimes we go through life like we have all the time in the world. But what if tomorrow with your loved one isn’t guaranteed? This year I realized how fragile life is. Now I look at every day as a gift. The knowledge of how delicate life is, of how easily life can end, punctuates every aspect of my life. Once it felt like I had all the time in the world to make my dreams come true. Now, I try to live my dreams every day because I don’t know what the future holds.

A diagnosis of a dread disease like cancer can make you realize that there isn’t always plenty of time, that the moments we have with our loved ones are all that we have. Even without Cancer it is easy to feel that there is fragility to our lives. It is rare to find a person who hasn’t lost a close friend or family member to a sudden illness, accident or other unexpected circumstance.

James 4:14 reminds us that we are a mist that appears for a little while then vanishes, and that we don’t know what will happen tomorrow. The flimsiness of our lives calls to us to slow down, look around and capture the here-and-now with the people we love. Here are some ways we can make every moment count:

1. Remember life is happening right now.  Life isn’t something that you can press the pause button on; it isn’t something that you can decide to start tomorrow. Right now, whether you like it or not, whether you like your circumstances or the surroundings, your life is happening. You can sit back and watch others live their lives, or you can realize that your life is happening right now, and stand up and say, “Count me in! I want to be part of all the messiness, beauty and flurry of life.”

2. Scratch it off.  One of the best ways to make every moment count is to live the life that you’ve always wanted. So dust off that bucket list, decide which dreams are achievable and just scratch them off.

3. Slow down. It’s easy to think that embracing life and making the most of every minute means you need to do a lot of stuff. That’s not true. Often focusing on the simple, ordinary things that you love is the best way to make the most of your time.

4. Make time. Make spending time with your loved one a priority, you will never regret it. In life you will be able to make more money, but no matter what you do, you can never make more time.

5. Laugh often. Realizing that your time with loved ones may be short can be stressful so learn to laugh at the little things. Laughter is good medicine!

6. Enjoy what you do. It is a reality of life that you don’t get to do everything that you want, but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t fully enjoy what you do get to do.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

¹⁴ Yet you do not know [the least thing] about what may happen tomorrow. What is the nature of your life? You are [really] but a wisp of vapor (a puff of smoke, a mist) that is visible for a little while and then disappears [into thin air]. James 4:14 Amplified Bible

 

Out of control

A 2013 movie entitled Gravity captivated audiences with its stunning realism. In the movie, the crew of the Space Shuttle Explorer is working on an important mission. The mission commander, played by actor George Clooney, and a medical engineer, played by actress Sandra Bullock, are on a space walk when they learn from Houston control that an explosion has just occurred at a Russian satellite. Before the crew can do anything about it, the explosion debris comes hurtling toward their craft, irreparably damaging the shuttle and station, immediately killing all the crew except for the characters played by Clooney and Bullock.They instantly have lost control with Houston and are left in a precarious position. Sandra Bullock is untethered with quickly decreasing oxygen on her person meaning that George Clooney has to retrieve her quickly if she has any chance of survival. Even if he can retrieve her and get her some oxygen, they have the difficult task of trying to get to another satellite and from there travel ultimately back to Earth. Through the process, they are often on their own leading to an extreme feeling of isolation. This causes each of them to ask individual questions and make ultimate decisions about their own mortality. Alone and helpless...totally out of control!

Can you imagine having absolutely no control over a situation in which you find yourself? That's exactly how I feel right now. Cancer has claimed part of my body and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I can't make it go away. I can't remove it on my own. I have no control. Just like the astronauts in the movie, Gravity, I feel like my life is spinning out of control and I'm powerless to stop it. It's almost as if my body has allowed the alien invader Cancer to take over control central. Not only do I feel physically out of control right now, I also feel overwhelmed by medical bills already filling my mailbox. It seems that this is just the beginning of a massive amount of unpredictable, uncontrollable physical and financial woes.

Watching the movie, Gravity, I could almost feel the air being sucked out of my lungs as Sandra Bullock struggles to breathe in her space suit. She gasps for air realizing that she's untethered and the air supply is nonexistent. That's exactly the way I felt when the radiologist told me over the phone that I had Cancer. I felt like I was suffocating...immediate loss of oxygen...like I was about to pass out. I was spinning out of control.

Sandra Bullock does survive. Even though she goes through one devastating experience after another, Sandra realizes she is powerless to change her situation. She finally resigns herself to whatever fate  befalls her. As the movie winds down, the radio crackles with traffic from Mission Control. They've been tracking the capsule, and tell her that rescue is on its way. The chute on the capsule automatically deploys and Bullock lands in a lake near the shore. The cabin fills with smoke, and after she blows the hatch the capsule tilts, allowing water to enter. Just when she thought she was safe, she's unable to exit. The capsule sinks to the bottom with her inside. Miraculously, Bullock finds a bubble of air inside the capsule and exits. She sheds her spacesuit, swims to shore, and takes a few wobbly steps...She's alive and she's survived!

The realization that I have absolutely no control over my current situation is daunting. It's frightening and often consumes my every thought. But I was reminded today, that God never loses control. He is omnipotent...all powerful. Forgive me, Lord, when I panic over matters I can't control. Please help me know how to accept this situation and move forward. Thank you that although I feel like I can't breathe and like I'm spinning out of control that you are fixed and unmovable. You are my firm foundation and my lifeline. You know my comings and my goings. Keep me grounded, Lord, in the days ahead when everything spins wildly around me. Fix my eyes on You and help me keep my bearings. Whatever path You've chosen for me at this time in my life, I will travel knowing that you never leave me abandoned or alone. Thank you, Father, that I can cling to you. You are the ultimate life support and I really do want to survive and not only survive, I want to thrive.

© Bonnie Annis all rights reserved 

Courage

One of my favorite movies of all time is the Wizard of Oz. I don't know how many times I watched it as a child, but I always loved it. The first time I saw it, I was scared to death of the flying monkeys and the Wicked Witch of the West, but the older I got, the less afraid I became of them.

Each character in the movie held a special place in my heart. I could relate well to Dorothy, because I was a young girl. I loved Glenda, the good witch, because she was so sweet and kind and beautiful. The Scarecrow got my sympathy when the Wicked Witch set him on fire and the Cowardly Lion...well, he always made me laugh at his lack of courage.

Courage. The dictionary defines courage as "the ability to do something that frightens one or to have strength in the face of pain or grief." But where does courage come from? Is it from our own inner strength or from somewhere else? I think it comes from God.

This morning, as I was reading my Bible, I was studying Deuteronomy 31. The leadership of the Israelites is about to be turned over to Joshua because Moses is getting too old to lead them into battle. As God instructs Moses to turn over his leadership to Joshua, God assures Joshua that He will be with him and He will go before him and prepare the way. Listen to verse 8 of the 31st chapter of Deuteronomy: "It is the Lord Who goes before you; He will [march] with you; He will not fail you or let you go or forsake you; [let there be no cowardice or flinching, but] fear not, neither become broken [in spirit—depressed, dismayed, and unnerved with alarm]."

I think that most of us would agree that we are all cowards when it comes to pain! None of us could face the arrow of surgery without flinching, could we? As I let that verse sink in, I realized it not only applied to Joshua...it applied to me! No I don't know what date my surgery will fall on and no, I don't know how difficult it will be for me to endure but I know that God has already gone before me. He already knows exactly when the date of surgery will be and He already knows the outcome! He doesn't want me to be afraid of what is coming in the days ahead. He wants me to trust Him! 


God instructs Joshua in this verse of Scripture that he is not to be depressed or dismayed or unnerved with alarm. Of course, God is referring to the upcoming difficulties that Joshua will face as a leader taking an army into war. I think that God is speaking to me through this verse as well. He doesn't want me to walk in the flesh and allow depression, anxiety, and fear to rule over me. He wants me to walk in the spirit of truth knowing that He is going to march right into that operating room with me. As I lay on that gurney waiting to be put to sleep, He will be right there beside me...and when I wake up, guess who never left my side through all of it - Jesus. 

It doesn't matter that this verse of Scripture was written hundreds of years ago. It's as relevant today as it was back then. God says in His Word that He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. That tells me that if He was the forerunner for Joshua, He's going to be the forerunner for me! God knows my fleshly reaction to difficult circumstances, after all, He made me! He is a loving Father and I know He's not going to chastise me for being fearful but I know He prefers that I stand firm in the truth of His Word. He longs for me to walk in the freedom of trust. He wants me to remember that He's got my back, my front, my top, my bottom...He's got all of it. 

So when that phone call comes and I'm given the date for surgery, I'm not going to be cowardly. I'm going to rest in the fact that God knows exactly what lies ahead because He's already gone before me. I will look those flying monkeys of fear in the eye and shake my finger at them saying "not this time!" I don't have to give in to fear and why should I when I have the God of all creation right next to me? 

© Bonnie Annis all rights reserved 

A Chink in my Armor

At some point, you've probably heard someone make reference to a "chink in their armor" but do you know what it really means and how the phrase came about? The phrase came about during the middle ages when warriors would enter the battlefield suited from head to toe in a heavy steel armor. It was this armor that protected them from the most powerful weapons of the period. Any opening, crack or fissure in the armor created a serious vulnerability for the warrior and was known as a "chink".

Last night I found a chink in my armor. I didn't even know it was there. I thought I was fully covered and protected in my spiritual armor. Do you want to know how I found it? I was walking through the grocery store doing my weekly shopping. As I meandered up and down the aisles, I'd pass first one woman and then another...all various shapes and sizes. I couldn't help but look at their breasts and think of my upcoming surgery. All of a sudden I began bawling. My husband quickly came to my side and asked me what was wrong. Through my sobs, I finally was able to make him hear and understand what I was saying..."it's true! I'm really going to have both of my breasts removed!" Then I began to bawl even more. For some reason, I was slapped in the face with reality. Oh, I've been trying to be the brave warrior princess. I thought I was doing a really good job at it, but apparently I had a chink in my armor...a place of vulnerability that I didn't know about...and through this chink had come a sneak attack...and I was hit hard. 

The devil is always looking for a "chink" in our spiritual armor. There's no doubt if it's there he'll exploit it.  However, the Apostle Paul described the pieces of the armor and how to wear it in order to combat the enemy. "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God." Ephesians 6:10-17. 

I thought I had put on ALL of my armor, but apparently I hadn't fastened everything tightly in place. When I got home, after putting away the groceries, I went straight into my prayer closet. On my knees, I fight spiritual battles. I cried out to God and shared my heart with Him. In His love and mercy, He reassured me that it's okay to cry. It's okay to be upset and emotional about this wretched Cancer. 

As I lay on the floor, vulnerable and shaken, I felt His overwhelming peace wash over me. His presence was so comforting and as I continued to allow Him to minister to my spirit, I felt like a little girl again...a little girl with her head laying on her father's lap as He tenderly stroked her hair and whispered consolation..."I'm here my daughter. I understand. It's going to be okay. I'm right here with you. I promised I would never leave you and I won't. Trust me. When you are weak, I am strong. Let me be your strength."

I don't know how long I lay there, but when I arose, I knew the chink in my armor had been mended. God had poured His tender love into the fissure and melded it back together. I'm sure there will be other sneak attacks from Satan coming at me in the days ahead, and I plan to be prepared...but I know where I can turn for solace and comfort. There's no place I'd rather be than in the arms of my Heavenly Father. He is a shelter in the storm. He is the lover of my soul and He will never leave me alone.    

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