What's your fortune?

There's a little Chinese place down the road from me. Sometimes on the weekend when I don't feel like cooking, I'll get hubby to run down and pick  up some lunch. Today was one of those days. Although I didn't really feel like eating anything, I knew I had to eat something to keep my strength up so I ordered vegetable Egg Foo Young.

Jamie, my youngest daughter, and I sat down with our Chinese food and popped a movie in. We enjoyed our lunch and when it was time to  read our fortune cookies, I opened mine first. I couldn't believe what it said on the little slip of paper - "A carrot a day may keep cancer away." REALLY? If I'd known that, I could have foregone all of this pain. I wonder who comes up with these silly statements anyway?

For years, I didn't eat fortune cookies. I didn't care for the taste, but I'd crack those things open for the fortune. That was one of the best parts of the meal. When I was in college, while sitting with a group of friends, the game was that you had to read the fortune aloud to the rest of the table. Everyone would add two words to the end of the fortune making it hilariously funny. The two words that were added were the words "in bed." Most of the fortunes took on a whole new meaning by just adding those two little words, for example: "your life may be filled with magical moments...in bed" or "it never pays to kick a skunk...in bed." But today's fortune wasn't funny even with the two little words "in bed" added to the end of the statement - "a carrot a day may keep cancer away...in bed." No. Definitely not funny. 

I did laugh thinking about the person who was paid to write fortune cookie sayings for a living. I could just picture the job description in my mind:  "Need sharp thinking individual with strong writing and communication skills, as well as a quick wit and sense of humor. Personally rewarding career for a unique individual but don't expect to get paid very handsomely … in bed." LOL!

People often take fortune cookie messages to heart. They crack open the yellow crescent moon cookies that conclude their Chinese restaurant meal, and eagerly hunt for predictions, revelations, and deeper meaning. Many save their favorites, carrying them around in a wallet or purse thinking the cosmos has imparted a divine snippet of wisdom chosen personally for them. Others simply toss their little slips of paper into the waste with the leftovers from their meal knowing it will soon end up in the garbage.

For most of us, it's just a silly childish game we play to add a bit of humor into our day. For me though, the carrot/cancer fortune wasn't funny. In fact, I really wished that the person who'd come up with that statement could have seen my face as I read it. I would have loved for him/her to see me sitting on my bed with the clear plastic vials of bodily fluids pumping into them as the wounds from my mastectomies slowly healed. Perhaps then the writer would have taken a different approach to writing silly cookie fortunes. Perhaps he/she would have changed the saying to read "Wise man never upsets woman with blood grenades dangling from chest...in bed" instead of using a flippant statement filled with stupidity.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

This is not a game (warning graphic picture in this post)

These are my drainage grenades

When the TV reality game show, Survivor, aired in May 2000, I was intrigued. I watched intently as a group of strangers was marooned in a desolate location. The group was given very little in the way of survival implements and had to learn to use what they had to make it through 39 days of game play.

During the time they were involved in the game, they were to use whatever method available to outwit, outplay and outlast the other members of the tribe. The last person standing would receive the title of sole survivor and receive a million dollar prize.

To make the show more interesting for TV, producers made sure to choose players with colorful character. Conflict often would boost ratings for the show. Although the game was manipulated to provide exciting TV content, the basis behind the game got my attention. I didn't focus on the social game they were playing but rather on the skill set that each member of the tribe had to draw on for strength. A few of the players boldly professed their faith in God while others vainly pumped themselves up. Their strategies and attitudes shifted and changed throughout the game. It was entertaining to say the least for the first few series. Now the game has become old hat and they are struggling to find new ways to make the show interesting again and hold viewers attention.

I always wondered what it would be like to be able to claim the title of sole survivor. I wondered if the players friends and even their enemies would hold them in high esteem after making it through the 39 days on the show. As honorable as that TV series title might seem to the winning player, the title does nothing more than represent an accomplishment in a game. It has nothing to do with the skills required to make it through real life situations like Breast Cancer.

Breast Cancer is not a game. It is a life changing event. Sometimes, it swoops in like a huge, black vulture seeking to gobble up its prey. Other times, it silently slides in like sunlight under a door gently moving along undetected. The people who end up in the Breast Cancer challenge don't get to choose whether or not they want to be involved. Breast Cancer does the choosing. There is no game host helping to pick players who might make the show interesting and fun.

Just a few days ago, I had surgery to remove both breasts. The moment the doctor removed that last piece of tissue from my chest wall I became a Breast Cancer Survivor. While this is a title that I am honored to hold, I would never have chosen it for myself.

These past few days have been very difficult. I've dealt with pain I've never experienced before- both emotionally and physically. I've had to accept the challenge of facing a new body image, one that is no longer healthy and whole. I've had to deal with the humiliation of having others help me dress and bathe. I've watched through tear filled eyes as my husband or daughter help empty my drainage grenades. I've had to be reminded daily that I no longer have my femininity. I have been humbled and abased but I am alive. I am surviving. I won't win a million dollar prize, but my life is much more valuable than that and I am honored to be able to feel my heart beating inside my chest. I am thankful that my lungs fill with life giving air. I am grateful for eyes that see and ears that hear. Survivor. I'll take that title and know I've earned it for now although my Cancer valley has just begun.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Accepting my reflection

Yesterday, as I left the hospital, the physician's assistant told  me I could take a shower on Friday. I was so happy to hear those words because I felt so grungy! Having had to skip a shower the day after my surgery made me feel so unclean and unkempt. I was so sore from surgery, I couldn't even reach up to comb my hair.

This morning, I got up before my husband and my daughter. Slowly but surely, I managed to get clothes laid out and arranged my toiletries so I could get that coveted shower. Of course, I had to wait for someone to get up to help me because I have to be very careful of the incisions and the drainage bottles and hoses.

Phil heard me stirring around and woke up. I told him that I'd like him to help me get a shower. He came into the bathroom to help me loosen the compression top they'd put on me in the hospital but before he actually unfastened it, I began to cry. I told him that I didn't want to see my chest yet...that I just wasn't ready for that. He understood and just told me to keep looking up while he undid the velcro fasteners. After he had the compression top off of me and we'd pinned the drainage bottles to a lanyard so they wouldn't be swinging freely from my body in the shower and possibly pull loose, he left me alone.

I turned the water on and let it run until the temperature was a little cooler than normal and then I stepped in. I was so thankful that our new house has a walk in shower! I stood there for several minutes just letting the warm water run down my back. It felt divine. Very carefully, I began to wash my body, all the while never looking down at my chest. When I was done, I towel dried off. I knew I was going to have to look in the mirror at some point, so it might as well be now.

I was afraid to see my reflection but made myself look. It wasn't a pretty site and I honestly felt like I was looking at someone else in the mirror. I just didn't look like me any longer. There were two large hollowed out spaces where my breasts used to be. There were long horizontal incisions running from mid chest to back underneath my arm pits. I am thankful that I didn't faint when I saw them but I had been mentally preparing myself for this moment from the time I stepped into the shower. I didn't know how I was going to react the first time I saw the incisions so I wanted to be alone in case I had a major meltdown. Remarkably, I was able to look at my chest and just say "thank you God."

My reflection in the mirror is just an outward appearance. It doesn't reflect what is in my heart, my soul or my mind. As difficult as it was for me to look at my chest, I was reminded that when God looks at me, He sees His Son, Jesus. He doesn't look on our outward appearance but instead looks upon our heart. He sees the real me, the inside me.

Accepting these scars is hard but without them, I wouldn't have the prognosis for a longer life. Yes the Cancer has left a permanent mark on my body, but it can't touch the inside me unless I let it. My reflection in the mirror has changed dramatically, it's true, but I am just thankful that I can look upon those scars and know that God has brought me through this part of my journey. I know He's going to continue to be with me through every step of the rest of my journey too. If He can love me like this, then I think I'd better learn to love me too....scars and all. My reflection is just a picture of who I am right now not who I will be in the days ahead.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Home from the hospital

Yesterday, at the crack of dawn, I was preparing for my surgery. Today, I am home resting with the help of pain medication, a loving husband, and a doting daughter. I am so thankful to be alive! My surgeon said she thinks she got all of the Cancer in my breast but we have to wait for the report on the 6 lymph nodes she removed. I'm hoping we get good news when we go to her office next Friday.

If you've ever had a hospital stay, you know it's best to have a family member or friend stay with you to help care for your needs. Usually the medical facilities are short staffed and it's not possible for the nurses to give each patient the attention they deserve. I had prayed before going into surgery that God would provide a kind, dedicated nurse to help me even though my husband would be there too. He heard and answered my prayer through a young patient care tech named Darci. The patient care techs aren't registered nurses or even considered nurses of any kind. They are the ones who come to take your vitals several times a day (blood pressure, pulse and temp). But Darci went above and beyond the call of duty in caring for me. She bent over backwards to make sure all of my needs were met especially when my nurse was unable to be in the room to help me.

I had the opportunity to talk with Darci about God and she shared with me that she was a Christian too. I told her that she must have the gift of mercy to serve in the hospital with such joy and enthusiasm as she did. She blushed and said she loved her work and wanted to go to school for a nursing degree but didn't have the money to do so. I encouraged her to talk with Piedmont and see if they offer any scholarships for employees who might sign on with them permanently after completing their degree. Darci didn't even know this might be a possibility and you should have seen her smile when I told her about it. She was just as surprised as I was when the doctor said I could go home this afternoon. She told me goodbye and wished me all the best. I told her that I believed that God allowed us to meet to encourage each other and she agreed. Don't you just love it when God does things like that? I know I sure do!

Before leaving the hospital, the physician's assistant came in to check my sutures and drains. When she opened up my compression vest to check the incisions, she asked if I wanted to take a peek. I told her that I wasn't ready to see the scars just yet and I turned my head away as she was dressing the wounds.

My husband, Phil, and my daughter, Jamie, helped me get ready to leave the hospital. It felt good to be unhooked from all the IVs, tubes and wires. When we walked out into the sunshine, I just had to praise God for what He'd done. He had supplied the best breast surgeon in this area to work on me, He'd given me a kind and caring patient tech, and I was getting to go home earlier than I expected!

The ride home was a little uncomfortable. Why is it that we don't really notice bumps in the road until we're injured? I think I felt every nook and cranny from Fayetteville to Newnan. I was so thankful to get out of the car when we pulled into our driveway.

Once inside, I changed into more comfortable clothing with the help of Phil and Jamie. I was thankful that I had some big, loose tops that buttoned all the way down the front. Since I can't raise my arms yet because of the lymph node removal, button down shirts are the best way to access the drains that are attached to me. As I went into my walk in closet to find the biggest, softest top, Phil followed me in there. He said "you know honey, I'm always going to love you." As soon as he said that, I burst into tears. One of my biggest fears was that my surgery would be detrimental to our relationship. I think Phil knew what I was feeling because he took my hands, got down on one knee and said "Bonnie will you marry me?" I looked at him funny and said "but we're already married." He said, "Will you marry me all over again? Let's let this be the first day of our new life together." Oh my! We looked at each other with tears in our eyes and kissed. I told Phil that I would marry him a million times over. I am so blessed to have such a tender, caring man in my life. Just knowing that he loves me no matter what means more to me than anything. His love is genuine for me and what he did tonight took away all the fear of looking down at my scars and worrying he won't love me any more. I am so thankful for a godly husband who sees me for my heart and soul instead of just my body. I am so very blessed and thankful to be home.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

The incredible boobless wonder

Surgery is over, and I am alive!!! The doctor thinks she was able to get all the Cancer but is waiting on results from lymph node biopsies. I'm writing this from my hospital bed via my cellphone.

I am in a lot of pain but they are managing it with morphine. Currently, I look like a suicide bomber! I have a compression vest on with two clear grenade shaped drainage bottles attached. These drain out blood and lymphatic fluids but won't be removed for several weeks. I also have on compression thigh high stockings and electric pump compressors on each leg. These are to prevent blood clots. I have on an oxygen mask and IV too. It is very difficult to get up to go to the bathroom and takes 10 minutes to get unhooked from everything!

God has given me a lovely young nurse to help me out. Her name is Darci. She is such a gentle and kind caregiver. I am so thankful that she is patient with me.

Yesterday brought many family visitors to see me -  my son, Dave, my daughter in love, Lauren, my daughter, Laura, my son in love, David, my granddaughter, Heather, my daughter, Jamie, my brother, Jim, and my sister in law, Susie. I felt so loved!
My husband, Phil, was by my side all day and stayed the night in a hospital recliner. He's learning to be such a good nurse!

I'm not sure if they'll send me home today or keep me since I'm hurting a great deal but I am thankful in advance for whatever they decide.

God has been my number one strength, but your prayers undergird me as well. I'm so glad surgery is over. I'm calling myself the incredible boobless wonder. Now all I need is a special cape to go with the title and super powers to boost me out of bed and back to life!

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

What a day

This will be my last post for a few days since tomorrow is the day of my surgery. For any of my Facebook friends, my daughter, Laura, will post a status update and tag me in it so you can see it. I'd like to thank all of you in advance for your love, support, encouragement and prayers. I have been overwhelmed by your kindness. I know that God has placed each and every one of you in my life and for that I am deeply grateful.

What a day today was for me! This morning, I made sure to clean the entire house because I knew I wouldn't be able to do that for a few days and you know how men are...they just don't clean the way we do! After I completed that, hubby and I enjoyed a nice, quiet lunch together. We didn't talk much but that's okay because after being married for as long as we have, even the silences speak volumes.

Laura, her husband, David, and baby Heather came to see us after lunch. What a blessing to have such a sweet distraction. We enjoyed watching Heather as she toddled all over the house. She's so cute since she's finally mastered walking. She even likes to play chase with her daddy as he "runs" around the table, she follows as quickly as she can laughing all the way. I am so thankful for babies!

Soon it was time to head to the hospital for the radioactive lymphatic study. (It has a huge medical name but I can't remember what it is right now.) Oh my goodness! I was not prepared for that. I went to the desk and registered and they immediately took me back. The technician asked me to disrobe and put on a hospital gown with the opening in the front. I thought that a nurse would come in any minute to assist but she never did. The tech told me to lie down on the examination table and open my gown. I was so embarrassed to be lying there totally nude from the chest up. He explained the entire procedure and then told me that he was about to inject lidocaine into my breasts. He said he'd put in two shots of lidocaine in each breast and then he'd inject the radioactive dye. He asked if I was ready and I replied, "not really, but go ahead." Let me tell you, I am not one to use curse words but when he injected the first needle of lidocaine, I just about screamed out a string of obscenities! After having had 4 babies naturally, I think I have a pretty high pain tolerance, but this was really rough! First of all, just the thought of having a needle inserted into your nipple should be enough to make you cringe...but actually feeling it penetrate the skin and then experiencing the burn of the lidocaine...oh my gosh! After the tech numbed me, he injected the radioactive dye. He told me that I'd have to lie on the table for an hour with my arms behind my head while the dye filtered through my lymph nodes. Thankfully, he did give me a warm blanket to cover up with but it wasn't much in the way of consolation for the pain I'd been through.

I lay there for what seemed like forever and finally the tech reappeared and began to run the various scans with the machine. I watched as the radioactive material lit up the screen. He showed me where the concentrations were and told me that he'd have to mark those areas on my body so the doctor would know where the sentinel nodes were when she did surgery. He took a Sharpie and casually marked big black dots on my chest. I was so thankful when he was done and couldn't wait to get out of there.

In an earlier post, I wrote about my desire to make a cast of my bust to keep. Today was the day I had planned to do that. After going to two stores, I finally found one of the pregnancy belly cast kits similar to the one I'd used on my daughter when she was expecting. I was looking forward to getting home and getting it done before I had to pack my suitcase and go to bed. When I got home, I asked my husband if he'd help me do the cast. We lay out all the materials. There was a plastic sheet for covering the floor, surgical gloves to keep your hands clean, petroleum jelly to coat your body so the plaster wouldn't stick to you, plaster strips, and a sanding screen. When everything was set up we began to put the plaster strips on.

We worked and worked with the plaster strips, laying one over the other as instructed. For some reason, the plaster wasn't sticking like it was supposed to do. Then I noticed the black dots the tech had made on my chest were smearing and were almost rubbing off! Oh no! I couldn't let them rub off because if they did, the doctor wouldn't know where to look for the sentinel nodes. Quickly I called my daughter in to help. She dried my skin and reapplied the markings with a Sharpie permanent marker. We waited for those to dry and then scratched the whole bust cast project. I was so disappointed because I had really wanted to have a momento of my breasts to keep. I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

So now I'm packing my bag for the hospital and thinking about how my life is going to change in a few hours. I have no idea what tomorrow holds but I know who holds tomorrow.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Urgent prayer requests

I'm a firm believer that when we pray, God wants us to be specific about our needs. Yes, He is God and He already knows what we need even before we ask, but He does want us to ask. I am asking all of my friends and my blog readers to please pray for the following:

1. Pray for wisdom, direction and guidance for Dr. Nicole Sroka as she operates on me. For God to give her keen eyes and steady hands. 
2. Pray for the anesthesiologist to know the best combination of medicines to give me to put me to sleep and keep me asleep during the entire procedure. That none of the medicines would interfere with my current prescriptions and that I'd not experience any serious side effects from the anesthesia. I'm especially asking you to pray that I do not have any nausea after the surgery. Heaving after having your chest cut wide open would be very painful!
3. Pray that the radioactive dye would illuminate any microscopic cancer cells that might be lurking in my breast tissue or lymph nodes and for anything that needs to be illuminated to stand out like a brilliant glo-stick (sorry, too many grandchildren and that's the only glowing thing I could think of!)
4. Lymphedema is a very painful condition that is quite common after breast surgeries and lymph node removal. Please pray that I do not experience this!
5. Pray that no seromas (pockets of clear fluid that sometimes develop in the body after surgery when small blood vessels are ruptured allowing plasma to seep out and cause inflammation from dying injured cells) or hematomas (blood clots) form. 
6. Pray for no infection to be caused by airborne germs or unclean instruments. Especially pray a hedge of protection around me against any MRSA infections!!!
7. Pray for an overwhelming peace to surround me the morning of my surgery and during my surgery. Surgery starts at 7:30 a.m. but I will be at the hospital at 5:30 a.m. getting hooked up to IVs etc. 
8. Pray for me to wake up with a grateful and thankful heart!
9. Pray for patient and kind nurses who have hearts of mercy. 
10. Pray for a private room so my husband can stay the night with me. 
11. Pray for my husband to experience God's perfect peace as he waits in the waiting room during my surgery. 
12. Pray for my family members, my children, grandchildren, siblings, and my mother. I'm asking that they will see God do a mighty work in my life through this.
13.  Pray for an extra measure of strength for my family members who plan to help me when I come home. 
14. Pray for God to set a guard at my lips so that no unkind word would be spoken after I come home and am in pain. 

That's all I can think of right now but as you pray, if God lays something else on your heart, by all means please pray for it! I won't be blogging for a day or two after this post because of surgery but please know I will continue to keep you updated on the journey as I get my strength back. God bless you for taking time to pray and for being continued supporters. It's so good to know I don't walk this road alone...

©bonnie annis all rights reserved
^"Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition (definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God." Phillipians 4:6