Tell all Tuesday

Every Tuesday, I try to give my readers a true glimpse of what it's like to fight in the war against Breast Cancer. Other days of the week, I try to use my real life experiences along with my faith in God to minister to others. Some of my readers may not want to read about the good, the bad, and the ugly. If you'd rather just enjoy the blog posts that uplift and encourage, today's not the day for you to read.

I want to give my readers a very clear picture of the challenges I face on a daily basis, but also want to make you aware that without God, I would not be able to face a single day. So let's begin.

Challenges I face on a daily basis:

• Getting dressed - if my husband isn't here to help me, I am only able to put on very loose button front shirts. My arms still aren't functioning at 100%. Since the lymph node removals in each arm, the skin and muscle are so tight and my range of motion is limited. I'm supposed to exercise daily to improve this and although it has loosened up some, I still can't bend my arms back enough to put on a shirt on my own. 
• Making the bed - In order to make the bed, I have to first remove the mountain of pillows that Hubby has carefully stacked up for me to sleep on. I throw them on the floor, one at a time, so I can pull the sheet up on my side of the bed. Then I walk around to the other side of the bed and pull that side of the sheet up. I continue with first one side and then the other until I can get the comforter on. Not being able to reach very far with my arms makes this challenging. It takes much more time to make the bed now than before. 
• Sleeping - Not only am I having difficulty getting to sleep but also with staying asleep. Part of this is due to being uncomfortable from my healing incisions and part of it is probably due to age and a lack of natural melatonin in my body. Hubby has been sweet enough to make me a wedge of pillows that will elevate my head and chest, then alongside of this, he makes 2 stacks of 2 pillows each for each arm to rest on. It's like a pillow recliner in the bed! Thank goodness we have a king sized bed or hubby would not have enough room to share the bed with me!
• Cooking - Since I'm still unable to lift more than a few pounds, cooking is a challenge. I can't even get a gallon of milk out of the fridge or the tea either. It's frustrating not being able to do what I want to do. 
• Driving - I'm not able to drive anywhere yet, nor would I want to right now. I'm sure just sitting behind the wheel and trying to turn the steering wheel would present a huge challenge. I've been staying in the house for the past 2 weeks. I'm starting to get cabin fever!
• Wound care - I'm supposed to rub oil on my incisions daily to help them soften and heal. I can only reach about half the length of the incisions because they start at the middle of my chest and go around and under my armpits and partially up my back. Hubby gets the icky job of smearing  lavender infused Emu oil on my incisions daily. I'm thankful he's willing to help!
• Showering - I can barely raise my arms up to wash my hair. Thankfully, we have a handheld removable shower head but, I can't even reach up to take it off the hook! Usually I get hubby to take it down for me before I shower. On days I forget to have him do that, I just do the best I can. 
• Reading - My hands and arms go numb a lot since surgery and that makes it difficult to hold and read a book. I love to read so I've remedied this by having audio books play on my computer. 
• Late day pain and soreness - By the end of the day, I have to take a pain pill. I don't like doing that but when the pain gets more than I can handle, I take one. I'm usually good from the time I get up ( usually between 5:30 and 6:00 a.m.) until 6:00 p.m. but after that, I really start hurting. 
• Housework - I haven't been able to do much during the day other than walking around the house trying to do what I can in the way of housework. Since I can't vacuum yet, either my husband or one of my daughters does it for me. I can unload and reload the dishwasher. I can do laundry but it's a challenge. I have to carry small loads to the machine and drop them in until I have a full machine. When they're done and it's time to take them out, I can't reach down into the drum of the machine (it's a top loader) to get the clothes out and put in the dryer so I have to either use a step stool or my grabber tool. I usually opt for the grabber tool because it is a little easier and I don't have to be afraid of falling off the step stool. When I use the grabber, I have to make many grabs to get all the clothes out and into the dryer. What normally would take me about 5 minutes, takes about 15! Don't take doing your laundry for granted!!

Blessings:

• Cards and letters - Though they have drastically slowed in the past few days, I still receive one or two cards or letters a day. I'm so thankful for friends who want to encourage me. 
• Visits - I've had a few family members stop by to see me. They always bring a smile to my face. Two new friends came by this week and brought not only meals, but items to help me through my cancer journey. What a joy it was to get to know them and spend time visiting with them. At the end of their visit, they took time to pray with me. Did you know not one single person has even offered to pray with my since my surgery? I was dumbfounded over that fact since most of my friends are devout Christians. 
• Packages - I've received a couple of unexpected gifts in the mail this week. I received a Brave Girl Box, a box made up specifically for breast cancer survivors, filled with necessities and treats for my upcoming treatments. I also received a package of essential oils from one of my daughters. The oils will be great for helping relieve muscles aches, mixing with my Emu oil for the incisions etc. 
• Wildlife - I know that's a strange blessing to include, but I love nature. God has allowed me to watch many hummingbirds this week as well as a pair of warblers, a pileated woodpecker, two deer, and some glorious sunsets. I savor the simple things in life now.

I spend my days writing letters or cards, calling or texting family members, blogging, or surfing the internet. For someone who's always been active and busy, I feel like I'm wasting tons of valuable time. Friends keep reminding me that I have to take it easy and give my body time to heal. While I know that's true, I'm very impatient and want to be able to do all the things I did before surgery. I'd love to be outside cutting the grass or in the mountains hiking. One of the things I miss most of all is being able to take photographs with my DSLR. My arms aren't quite strong enough to hold the camera just yet so I use my cellphone instead.

It could be very challenging to be alone in the house all day long if I didn't have a positive outlook and keep myself busy. I will say I have much more time now to read my Bible than ever before. The house is so very quiet it allows me to really absorb Scripture in ways I've never been able to do because of day to day distractions. I guess you could compare it to being cloistered in a monastery! I am thankful for the quiet and peace during the day but I am so thankful when my husband comes in from work and I finally have someone to talk with. I've made many new internet friends too, through Breast Cancer support groups. It's very helpful to talk with ladies who share the same experiences and I am overwhelmed by the number of us who are on this journey.

Next week will be a turning point for me as I meet with the Oncologist on August 7. I've tried not to focus on that visit but it looms over me like an ominous cloud. When I go, the Oncologist will reveal the results of my Oncotype DX test. My treatment hinges on what number I receive (between 0 - 100). I'm praying I get a low number (under 10). A low number will mean that I won't benefit from chemotherapy. A higher number will indicate a higher probability of my cancer recurring somewhere else in my body and therefore require chemotherapy to give me the best odds at living. I really don't want to go through chemotherapy. Did you hear the desperation in that statement? I REALLY DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH CHEMOTHERAPY! I've seen what it does to people. I can't even fathom all that poison flowing through my body killing not only the cancer cells but also the good, healthy cells. I'm praying for a miracle.

I don't spend every second of every day thinking about cancer. I know it must seem that way because that's basically all I've been blogging about and talking about since my diagnosis. I don't want to be defined by cancer and realize that often, without knowing it, I say "I have cancer." I don't really have it. It has me. I never invited it into my life. It has changed me in more ways than one. I never expected it.

I've tried not to share the gory details with you of my appearance. Each time I look in the mirror it's hard. It's a little too much to bear, but I'm sure you can use your imagination. I will tell you the surgeon went all the way down to my chest wall when removing tissue so I have two huge valleys where my breasts used to be. The incisions, while hideous to look at, remind me that I am still alive. I pray that none of you ever have to go through the agony of hearing "you have cancer" but if you do, please remember that life is worth fighting for and we are capable of doing much more than we ever imagined we could!

Yes, each day since my surgery has been difficult but things are getting better. I consider myself blessed to just be alive. Even with all the challenges in my day, they are nothing compared to what many others suffer. Hopefully, after you've read this post, you'll see that even though I struggle with some things, I choose not to let them get me down. I push through them. I am determined to make it. There are so many things for which I am thankful and I know this won't last forever.

God has been so good to me! He allowed me to come through surgery without complications. I was able to come home after one night in the hospital. I have been able to recuperate in a nice, safe, quiet environment. He's provided for us to be able to pay all of our medical bills to date. Each morning, when I open my eyes, I am grateful that I get to live to see another sunrise. Yes, having cancer sucks but there's so much more to my life than that. I am a fighter. I'm more than a conqueror, according to the Bible! My goal is to fight this fight and come through it with flying colors. I know I will be a different person when I come out on the other side of this, but hopefully I will be a much better person. There's a quote I'll use here "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." If I have anything to do with it, Cancer is not going to kill me but ultimately that decision is not mine...it's up to God. All I can do it take one moment at a time, one day at at time, and live my life to the fullest...and that's exactly what I'm going to do.

**If you read my blog, would you take just a minute to post a short comment below as to how my blog has impacted your life? (There's a comment button you can click) Also, if you'd like, let me know what you'd like to see me blog about in a future post. Thank you in advance and God bless you!

^"Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37-39

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

God sends angels in plain clothes

Yesterday, I had the most amazing day! Two women I'd never met took time out of their busy day to come and visit me. One of the ladies knew my husband when he was in high school, so it was fun to watch them reconnect after almost 40 years. The other lady was a fellow Breast Cancer survivor and she'd come to give me helpful tips and advice from her journey. I felt so honored to have them want to come and see me. Their visit reminded me of the importance of doing what you feel lead to do and just following through whenever God lays something on your heart.

Back in 1988, Nike came up with a great ad campaign with the catchy slogan, "just do it." I couldn't help but think of that slogan after my visitors had left. One of the women in particular impressed me. She was a wife, a mother, a grandmother. She ran her own business out of her home while taking care of not only one of her grandchildren, but also her mother who had been recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. When God prompted her heart to come and minister to me, what did she do? You guessed it, she dropped everything and just did it! She had been obedient to God. The other woman, nearing her 70's, did the same thing. Before coming to see me yesterday, she'd gone to church, gone to a memorial service, and then, instead of going home to rest, she came to share Christ's love.

Have you ever heard the term "angels unawares?" It comes from a verse in the book of Hebrews from the Bible. This is what it says, "Don't neglect to show hospitality, for by doing this some have welcomed angels as guests without knowing it." (Hebrews 13:2) My guests were so kind and loving. They were so giving and generous. They had put my needs above their own. I honestly feel like God sent me some angels in plain clothes yesterday! I'm always amazed at how God knows exactly what I need and when I need it! His timing is always perfect! Just knowing that He had planned eons ago for this very day to build my faith during a difficult time touched my heart with gladness! 

What would have happened had these two ladies not been obedient to God? What if the one with the sick mother had decided it was too much for her to stop her routine during the middle of the day to go visit a total stranger? What if the elder of the two had wanted to go home after a busy Sunday afternoon and take a nap? They would have been robbed of a blessing! God intended to use their willing hearts to teach them the importance of obedience. He had prompted them to "just do it" and they had obeyed. Had they not listened to His call, I would have never made two new friends and I would never have received the blessing of their love. 

God uses gentle, soft whisperings to our hearts to speak to us. He impresses upon us the need to do something when it works according to His plan, but what we do with it, that's up to us! Have you ever felt a gentle tugging at your heart prompting you to do or say something that you know could only be from God's throne room? If you have, were you obedient? It is in giving that we receive the greatest of blessings! The Bible says it best in this verse: "In everything I showed you that by working hard in this manner you must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, that He Himself said, 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.'" Acts 20:35

I am so thankful for my angels in plain clothes! No they didn't shimmer with gold nor have beautiful gossamer wings that I could see with my earthly eyes, but they were clothed in righteousness and for that, God receives the glory!

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

High places

As a child, I remember watching the Disney movie, Bambi, over and over again. It was filled with emotional scenes that touched my heart. One of the scenes, near the end of the movie, was especially nerve wracking. Bambi is searching for his girlfriend, Faline. When he finds her, she's been chased up a rocky mountain face by a pack of hunting dogs. Bambi fights off the dogs to help her escape and nimbly gets away himself as he sprints higher up the mountain. Throughout the movie, Bambi has faced first one challenge and then another, but he is steadfast and fights to the end.

One of my favorite verses in the Bible is found in the book of Habakkuk. This is what it says: "The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds’ feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]!" When I read it for the first time, I wondered what hinds' feet were because I'd never heard that terminology used before. As I researched that term, I was directed to mountain goats. 

Goats were also called hinds in Biblical times. Their feet were swift and sure enabling them to climb upon rocky crags without effort. Mountain goat hooves are specially designed for climbing in steep, rock, and slippery terrain. A close-up look reveals a hard keratinous sheath and a soft embedded pad that enable them to gain purchase on the smallest of granite cracks while simultaneously gripping maximum surface area. 

 Have you ever seen a mountain goat? I have! I was able to see them for the first time several years ago while in Alaska on a mission trip. We took one day of rest and relaxation and drove to Denali National Park for a sightseeing tour. Our team boarded the bus and were amazed within just a few minutes at the variety of wildlife we came upon. The driver of the bus was kind enough to stop periodically for us to "oooh" and "aahhh" over species we'd never seen up close. With camera in hand, I was eager to capture Grizzly Bears, Moose, and other Alaskan wildlife. The scenery was break taking and certainly was one of the highlights of my life. We journeyed deeper into the park and as we rounded the next bend, I could see several white dots upon the mountainside. The bus driver called our attention to the herd of mountain goat ahead of us. He remarked that they were usually found high atop mountain peaks. Quickly I got my camera ready and steadied for a great shot. After taking my photograph, I pulled away from my camera to enjoy watching the goats as they climbed. The mountainside was littered with boulders and rocks of all sizes. I wondered how the goats managed to climb so quickly and so effortlessly over them. Then I was reminded of Habakkuk 3:19 again.

God brought that verse to mind again today. He reminded me the mountain ahead of me, my journey through Cancer, is filled with rocks and boulders. These obstacles however aren't visible like the ones the goats traverse. I have rocks of worry, boulders of fear, despair, hopelessness, and the unknown to conquer.  The mountain goats I saw did not stay near the base of the mountain. They kept climbing higher and higher. Today as I read Habakkuk 3:19 again, God spoke to my heart and said, "I want to take you to the high places. I don't want you to stay where you are in your faith. I want you to go higher."  

In the Bible verse, there are some things that stand out to me. First of all, it says the Lord is my strength, my personal bravery, my invincible army. Those words tell me that when I am afraid and I can't go one step more, God will carry me. He will make sure I get through it! He will strengthen my spirit and give me courage. He will help me be brave! He will be beside me, in front of me, behind me, over me, and under me fighting battles that I am too weak to fight. Secondly, He makes my feet like hinds' feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]. That means He will make my feet steady and sure. He doesn't want me to stand still and be frozen with fear! He wants me to keep moving! He wants me to valiantly move through the high places of trouble and suffering. He wants me to learn something. He wants to take me higher!

God wants me to know more about His glory and His power. In order to go to the high places, I have to be willing to climb ever upward. In order for my feet not to slip, I need to fix my eyes on Christ trusting that He will lead me over the boulders of hurt and pain. He will make my feet swift and sure. Just like Bambi, sprinting up the mountainside, in an effort to save his beloved Faline, I have a mission ahead of me.

It's becoming more and more clear as I continue to read God's Word and allow Him to speak to my spirit. He wants to show me more of Himself. He's wooing me into the high places. I feel honored that He's chosen me for this journey! What lies ahead? I haven't a clue, but I'm looking forward to finding out. My God is my personal bravery, Habakkuk says, and just knowing that gives me courage to place one foot in front of the other.

I know you've been able to see a change of heart as you've been reading my blog. At first, I was filled with fear and dread on my journey. Now I'm eagerly anticipating going to the high places with Christ. You may think, how can she take this stance? I'll gladly tell you. My faith. My faith and the prayers of others is the only way I can go higher and higher up the mountainside of Cancer. I could never do it alone. I am too weak and too frightened to face this challenge by myself. But, there's something more for me to discover and God has made it perfectly clear to me that He has a divine purpose for my suffering. He has a plan to reveal more of Himself to me in the days ahead. That, to me, is very encouraging and exciting! Just knowing that He has chosen ME makes all the difference. You may think I'm naive...that I have no clue what I'm talking about. Sure, I haven't met with the oncologist yet. I haven't been given the results of the Oncotype DX test yet...the one that will give me a percentage of recurrence probability for the future. But I can choose to be negative and focus on the fact that Cancer is usually a death sentence (either sooner or later) or I can choose to focus on the positive fact that my God is a loving and kind God. He is able to completely heal me if He so chooses. And even if He doesn't, even if I go through years and years of suffering and pain, He will be sufficient. Afterall, He is all I have ever needed! My feet are swift and sure because He has enabled me to go on. My eyes are fixed and I'm looking up! How about you? Where's your focus? Do you want to remain stagnant or do you want to go higher? Let Him take you on your own personal journey of growth into the high places. There's much to be learned and I'm ready to start.

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Pain and suffering

We all experience pain or suffering at some point in our lives. When we do, the most natural thing is to immediately focus inwardly. Instead of asking God why we are going through this challenge, our first response is usually "why me"?

I was doing just fine! I had retired from working three years ago and was spending my time doing all the things I wanted to do. If I wanted to sleep in, I did. If I wanted to spend my days crafting, I did. I was healthy, and happy and strong. My husband and I were finally alone in the house. The kids were all grown and gone. Life was good! Whenever we wanted to take a trip, we did. We were unencumbered.When things are going well in your life, it's easy to forget to thank God for your many blessings, isn't it? I know there were days when we took our blessings for granted. But when sickness comes or things aren't going so well, that's when we call on Jesus.

I never dreamed I'd be diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Even when I received the diagnosis, I wasn't feeling ill. Sure, I'd been a little more tired than usual lately, but I chalked that up to being in my mid fifties. Didn't most people start to slow down a little by that age? The first thing I did after I'd processed the diagnosis was to go before the Lord. Of course, I asked Him "why me"? That is when I felt Him speak to my spirit and say, "why not you"? Okay, Lord...what are you trying to tell me here???

Did God want me to understand that often times He allows us to go through a season of pain or suffering to draw us closer to Himself? When we're healthy, it's so easy to forget Him and become preoccupied with the present. When we are sick, it allows us time to focus on what's really important. I'd been through many bouts with sickness, illness, and injury in the past. Every time I walked through a season of trial, God taught me something more about His character. Yes, Lord...you have my attention. What are you going to teach me this time?

When I finally chose to look at my cancer as a teaching tool, I fixed my eyes on Christ. Every day since my diagnosis, I've found myself looking at things a little differently. Instead of taking it for granted that I'm going to wake up in the morning, I am truly thankful when I do wake up. I find myself marveling at the little things and thanking God incessantly. I can sit for hours watching a hummingbird. I long to savor every second of the sunset. Life is so much more precious now.

The Bible tells us that "our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." 2 Corinthians 4:17 This verse tells me that God indeed does have a reason for our pain and suffering. But how do we learn pain's lessons? The first thing we need to do is to go to God for answers. We have to understand that He is sovereign over every aspect of our lives and if He chooses to allow pain to enter in; He has ordained it for His purposes.

No one wants to suffer or be in pain! Pain reminds us just how very fragile we really are in this life. Some of us have a high tolerance to pain and don't really begin to complain until the pain becomes unbearable.The Bible tell us that in this world, we WILL have trouble. So if we know we will at some point face trials and tribulations, suffering and pain, why are we so surprised when it comes to visit us?

Americans don't want to be uncomfortable. When you have a headache, do you immediately take an aspirin or another type of pain reliever? Even that small amount of discomfort can disrupt your day can't it? When you have an upset stomach, don't you want to find some Alka Seltzer or Pepto Bismol? You don't want to deal with the discomfort of an aching belly. We are spoiled! We love our comfort!

When suffering comes, don't be surprised! Nothing happens to you unless it passes through God's fingers first! Either He allows it or He sends it to accomplish His divine purpose. God uses suffering and pain to bring us to a point of brokenness. When we can't fix it or make it better, we realize that God is the only one who can. He has a purpose for our pain. The purpose is often to teach us a valuable lesson, but God also uses suffering to show us His great love and mercy. God is the God of all comfort. He doesn't want us to go through pain or suffering without understanding that He is right there with us. He has promised in His Word to "never leave us nor forsake us".

God has been teaching me that He has allowed my Cancer for a reason. He has been my comfort through it and will continue to minister to me all along my journey. When my journey is complete, He is going to expect me to comfort others with the same comfort He has given me, and in so doing, He will receive all the glory and the praise.

There is indeed a plan behind God allowing trials and tribulations into our lives. He has a purpose for our pain. Instead of turning inward and wondering "why me", can you fathom the fact that perhaps God has specifically chosen you for this pain? When you look at it from that perspective, you can see things so much more clearly.

I'm not happy I have Cancer. I don't want to go through all the pain and suffering associated with chemotherapy, radiation, and other various forms of treatment. But I have asked God to give me the ability to comprehend His great love for me. I know that as I depend fully upon Him, He will take good care of me. He will only allow me to suffer as much as He feels I need to suffer. He will be my strength when I am weak. He will comfort me when I'm hurting, scared, or feeling afraid. He will teach me valuable lessons that only Cancer can teach me. And when my journey with this course of suffering is over, He will receive great glory. Find me faithful, Lord! I long to be obedient to You. I am your student and I'm ready for the next phase of this lesson...

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace. You will have suffering in this world. Be courageous! I have conquered the world." John 16:33


"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of sympathy (pity and mercy) and the God [Who is the Source] of every comfort (consolation and encouragement),

⁴ Who comforts (consoles and encourages) us in every trouble (calamity and affliction), so that we may also be able to comfort (console and encourage) those who are in any kind of trouble or distress, with the comfort (consolation and encouragement) with which we ourselves are comforted (consoled and encouraged) by God. For just as Christ’s [^[a]own] sufferings fall to our lot ^[b][as they overflow upon His disciples, and we share and experience them] abundantly, so through Christ comfort (consolation and encouragement) is also [shared and experienced] abundantly by us."

 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

4 Simple words

How many times have you said these four simple words, "I'm praying for you?" When you said them, did you really mean them? Did you remember to stop and take time to pray for the person? Did you do it in the very moment, or did you make a mental note to remember them in your bedtime prayers or at the dinner table? Those four words are powerful! If you say them, please mean them!


I have heard the words "I'm praying for you" more times since my diagnosis of Breast Cancer than ever before. Most of the time, the words are spoken by family or close friends but today, I heard those words from a complete stranger and they melted my heart.

The body shop called to tell me our car was ready for pickup. Last week, a big, black lab ran out in front of my husband on his way home from work. There was nothing he could do because of oncoming traffic. Of course, it killed the dog, upset my husband greatly, and damaged our car. The lady from the body shop was probably just a receptionist but that doesn't matter because she represented Christ. As I explained to her our need to have someone from the body shop follow my husband home with car since I was currently unable to drive; I could hear hesitancy in her voice. I continued to explain that I'd just recently been diagnosed with cancer and had just had my breasts removed. A quiet hush fell over the phone and then she assured me that they would work out the details and for me not to worry. I could hear in her voice that she had compassion and I asked if she lived around here. She didn't, but lived in a town close by. I asked if she knew of a good church in this area because we were looking for one, and she said she certainly did. As she gave me the name of the church she attends, she took time to give me service times and information on home groups too. I thanked her and as we ended the conversation, she said, in a very sweet tone, "Mrs. Annis, I'm praying for you."

A complete stranger. Someone I probably will never have the pleasure of meeting, wanted me to know that she would be praying for me. Most people would dismiss those four little words, but I didn't. I take the power of prayer very seriously. I am honored whenever someone tells me they are praying for me. To me, there's no higher honor than to take the needs of others before the throne.

The next time you hear a prayer need and before you respond, don't say "I'll pray for you" unless you really mean it. God holds us accountable for our actions, both good and bad. You'll never know how desperately someone might just need to be reassured that God really loves them and cares about them. I'm thankful that I was that person today and that the person on the other end of the phone was putting her faith in action. "I'm praying for you" isn't hard to say but don't say it flippantly...when you say it, go to the Lord in prayer and lift up the person in need. If you don't know what the specific need might be, don't worry! God knows what the need is and He will meet it in His own special way and time. You may not need to hear those words as often as I do, but they sure mean a lot more to me when I know action follows the sentiment!

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Insomnia makes a sorry bedfellow

Insomnia, or trouble sleeping, is a common problem for many people, but for patients with cancer, insomnia seems to be a lesser symptom among the many attributed to the disease.  Insomnia can present as difficulty falling asleep, multiple awakenings during the night, or early morning awakenings with the inability to get back to sleep. The potential causes of insomnia are many. A personal or family history of insomnia, the presence of a depression or an anxiety disorder, advanced age, and female gender all put a patient at higher risk of developing insomnia. Factors that may contribute to the development of insomnia include: certain medications, hospitalization, chemo, radiation, or hormonal therapy, pain, hot flashes, nausea and vomiting.

Oh how I long for a good night's sleep! Since having surgery, I've tried just about everything I know and nothing seems to be working. My chest is so raw and tender I can barely stand for anything to touch it. The 14 inch long incisions travel out from the middle of my chest on each side to just past my armpits on my back. My sweet husband has tried to form a wedge shaped pillow mountain hoping I would be able to lie comfortably on it and sleep well throughout the night, but even his most valiant efforts haven't done the trick. Melatonin, Sleeptime tea, Benadryl, ZZZquil, even a glass of wine...nothing allows me to sleep throughout the night. I am soooo tired, and when you're physically tired your mind doesn't function well either.

I'm a side sleeper and always have been. I love curling up on my right side, tucking my arm underneath my pillows and slipping into dreamland. Since my surgery, I physically can't sleep on my side any longer because of the pain involved with my incisions. If I stretch or move in the wrong way, I'm reminded the surgeon recently penetrated not only my skin but multiple layers of tissue and muscle underneath. 

Sleep is designed to help your body rest, recover and repair. A lack of sleep has been proven to be detrimental to your health, in fact, it can even promote tumor growth in cancer patients. So what's a woman to do? Should I try to take a nap sometime today in my recliner? Should I stay awake as long as I can and go to bed earlier tonight? I don't know but I am hoping this cycle of sleeplessness will soon be over. Tonight I'm going to claim Psalm 4:8 " In peace I will both lie down and sleep, for You, Lord, alone make me dwell in safety and confident trust." (Amplified Bible)

Would you say a little prayer that I can sleep soundly too, please? Thank you in advance...

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

My own social experiment

If you read my post yesterday, you know I had issues with the fake boobs that came with my post surgical camisole. Instead of wearing them, I chose not to and found out some things about myself that I had not realized.

I've always enjoyed watching television shows that use social experiments to gauge people's reactions to various situations. There are many out there, "What would you do?," "Survivor," "Married at First Sight," etc. When I was in high school, I loved studying psychology and understanding how the mind works. There have been many studies done on reality TV, Facebook, and Twitter with regard to why we enjoy sharing so much detail about our own personal lives. Yesterday, I conducted my own personal social experiment although I did not realize that is what I was doing at the time.

After my visit to the doctor's office for a post surgical check up, my daughter, Laura, and I decided to do a little shopping. We drove into town, got out of the car, and proceeded to go into a new women's boutique on the square. I was fine as we entered and began looking around at the clothing. Within just a few minutes, however, I realized there were other women in the shop and whether self consciously or subconsciously, found myself moving my arms into position to hide my very flat chest.

While we were looking at the racks of clothes, I was fine because I was able to turn my body so my chest was hidden by the clothing. I found myself not caring about my physical appearance when no one was close by, but when they came into our section, I would either turn my back to them, or try to shield my chest from their view. At the register, when I was about to pay for my selection of clothing, I realized again, that I was trying to camouflage my chest. I had leaned slightly forward to allow my large shirt to swing forward creating an illusion of breast fullness. Why was I doing this?

As I've processed the events from yesterday, I realized that although I said I didn't really care that I was flat chested, apparently I do. Perhaps I'm still dealing with the shock of breast cancer and what it's done to me. Perhaps I felt socially unacceptable while in a women's clothing store surrounded by voluptuous women. I do know I was very self aware and felt I was "less than" any of the other shoppers.

Today Laura and I are returning to that same little women's boutique. We found some great deals yesterday and plan to take advantage of those again today. This morning, as I showered and got ready for our shopping excursion, I pulled out my post surgical camisole. This time, however, I inserted the poly filled breast forms. I pulled it up and turned to look at myself sideways in the mirror. There were now nice, plump breasts where yesterday's flatness had been. This is the first time I've had a bust line in two weeks. I wonder how I'll react as we go shopping today. Will I constantly check to see that the fake boobs are aligned and in place or will I barely notice them at all? Will anyone stare at my chest thinking "boy, she is well endowed"? My own little social experiment will probably reveal even more about me that I haven't realized. I'm curious as to what I might find. 

It was interesting to read about various social experiments and the reactions of others. It's very different to be your own social experiment! It amazes me how vain I really am and how important it is for me to want to fit in and be like others around me. When did the social conditioning begin? Why does it matter so much? There are so many unanswered questions, but no one can really tell you how to "do" cancer. You just have to muddle through and make the best of a bad situation...and that's exactly what I'm doing as I take one day at a time, one situation at a time. I am my own social experiment.