Sleep. When you hear the word, what comes to mind? Is it a snappy little jingle from a sleep medication..."take Sominex tonight, and sleep...safe and restful, sleep, sleep, sleep" or does it strike your heart with terror? For me, I'm more on the side of terror since I haven't been able to sleep lately. 

I spend fifteen or more minutes every night getting my bedtime "ritual" set up. First I go in and darken my bedroom, leaving just a small lamp on so I can see enough to enter the room without clobbering my toe on something. I turn on the ceiling fan and turn the a/c down low...turn back the sheets and arrange my pillows just so...but even with all of that, I dread getting into bed.

Let me tell you about a time, a once upon a time time, when eight hours of sleep was not the longing of my daydreams, but actually my reality...every...single...night.  I could even leisurely nap on Sunday afternoons, or any afternoon for that matter if I so desired.  I could curl up with a book, a blanket and doze a little if I wanted.  Sleep was just a luxury I certainly took for granted.  Ohhhh, those were the days of a rested body and an alert mind. 

For some strange reason, for the past few months, sleep has eluded me. I've tried every remedy I know to gain restful, sound sleep. I've tried natural remedies like Sleepy Time Tea, Serenity Essential Oil, sleep masks and ear plugs, and Benadryl. I've tried taking a relaxing hot bath or shower, and nothing seems to work for more than a night or two. I read until I'm exhausted, watch TV until I can't watch another show. I pray asking God to help me relax and fall asleep...but inevitably end up waking every few hours for some reason. Either I'm too hot, too cold, have to use the bathroom, or just toss and turn all night long. 

My oncologist asked me this past week how I was sleeping. I wanted to give a hearty guffaw and say, "Well, lemme tell you, Doc, I'm not!" I did tell him I was having trouble and he said my body can't heal without proper sleep. "Yes, I know that," I wanted to scream, but I sat quietly and listened as he said it would be a good idea to try a narcotic/hypnotic sleep aid. Since it can be addictive, he added, "I'll only give you a month's worth." Reluctantly, I agreed to accept the prescription. 

Off I went to CVS to pick up my bottle of hope. My daughter, Erin, asked if I wanted to go through the drive through window. I told her I'd never done that before and she told me it was easy. Within just a few minutes, I had my new medication and we were on our way. I began reading the medication advise alert included in the bag and was shocked to read one of the side effects of this medication was sleep driving. SLEEP DRIVING!!! Oh my goodness!

When we got home, Erin and I relaxed the rest of the day and when it was time for me to go to bed, I told her I was afraid of the sleep driving side effect and hoped I wouldn't experience that. She said, "Mom, give me your keys and I will hide them. That way you can't drive anywhere even if you wanted to do it." So, I gave her my keys. 

I know you'll think it's silly, but before I took the medicine, I prayed and asked God to keep me snugly in my bed. I asked Him to allow me to have a sound night's sleep and for Him to allow me to wake up fully rested without feeling hung over or groggy. I took the medication knowing that Erin had my car keys and my husband,Phil, was asleep right beside me. I closed my eyes and sometime later drifted into LaLa land. 

For two nights in a row, I took the medicine. It seemed that finally I was going to be able to rest well and recover from surgery, but yesterday, I was so depressed and cried most of the day. I went back and re-read the medical information insert that came with the prescription. Depression was indeed one of the side effects as well as suicidal thoughts. Thankfully, I hadn't had any of the suicidal thoughts!

I talked with Erin about the medication this morning and told her how it had affected me yesterday. She told me that she thought I was just physically exhausted from a week of going and doing right after having had my surgery. She also thought it had been a very emotional week for me having anticipated chemotherapy for weeks and then finding out I didn't have to have it. It was also hard to have to say goodbye to her after having been able to spend the entire week visiting. (Since Erin lives in Texas, I don't get to see her often.) In essence, what she was trying to say was that through cumulative events, I'd been on an emotional roller coaster without good quality or quantity of sleep and I needed to give myself a break. I thought long and hard about what she said and found my daughter to be quite wise. 

So tonight, I'm going to give it another go. I'm going to give my husband my keys and ask him to hide them somewhere in the house (just in case, I wake up and want to drive to Florida or something!) and then I'll pray and ask God to keep me right where I belong, safe and sound in my bed...in my bedroom...in my house. I am hopeful I'll be able to get a peaceful rest tonight. It has been so difficult to function on only a few hours of sleep. I never really understood how a lack of sleep could pose risks to my health but it definitely does. I have found myself less alert, less able to concentrate, more emotional, more easily agitated and irritable. WebMD even says sleep deprivation can cause health problems like heart attack, stroke,  A.D.D., and poor quality of life.

Not only does Cancer produce a very stress filled life, it can also interrupt a good night's sleep! My body is still healing from surgery and in order for it to heal properly, I need to get at least 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. So hopefully tonight, I'll be the one sawing some logs. Maybe, just maybe, my husband will have to put ear plugs in to drown out the sound of MY snores instead of it being vice versa. If it's not to much to ask, would you say a little prayer asking God to grant me a night of restorative, peace filled sleep? I know He created sleep to allow our bodies to rest and recover from a hard day of work. Our cells need to renew and replenish. I want my body to be as healthy as it can be because in just a few days, I'll begin radiation therapy and my cells will be dying. I know God cares about even the little things that bother us, so I'm trusting I'll wake up in the morning feeling refreshed and alive. Thank you in advance for your prayers and I hope you all sleep tight tonight.  

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

 

Bills, bills, and more bills

As with any serious illness, medical bills are inevitable. It would be a huge understatement to say we weren't prepared for Cancer to enter our lives this year. But isn't that just like life - to throw you a curve ball when you least expect it? I had just retired from work 3 years ago. My husband and I had just downsized our home and moved to a city closer to his workplace. We thought finally things were going to be smooth sailing...boy, were we wrong! When Cancer reared its ugly head, we dealt with it one day at a time but then, the medical bills started rolling in and we found out that Cancer is a very expensive disease to have!

My husband knows I'm a worrywart. Although I try not to be, it just comes naturally to me. That's one area of my life that God is continually working on and I have to say, this year, He's almost gotten me to the point of releasing that sin totally to Him. Phil has helped in this area of my life, too. He's a protector and a great provider. Whenever he sees me stressing over the most recent medical bill that has arrived in the mail, he gently takes it from my hand and says, "let me worry about that."

We have a wicker basket where we keep all of our bills. Each month, I go in and organize them according to due dates. I like being organized and I like knowing what lies ahead, but Phil has told me to leave them alone. He knows they weigh heavily on my heart. He knows they stress me out. We used to pay the bills together but since I've been so sick, he's completely taken over that chore. He won't admit it, but I know when he sees that stack of bills growing, it must overwhelm him as much as it does me.

It's amazing how much things cost these days! Surgical expenses rival the price of a new car! It seems everyone wants a piece of the pie...each lab tech, each xray, each bandaid, come with an exorbitant price tag attached. We are blessed to have medical insurance through my husband's company and thank God for that! We know there are so many who have no insurance and no ability to pay their medical bills. It would be devastating to be in that position.

It is unnerving to watch the thousands of dollars in medical bills add up, but we know God already knew we'd face this challenge long before we were aware of it...and if He knew this was coming our way, surely He's already made a plan for us to be able to take care of it. God has been teaching us more and more about trusting Him completely throughout this Cancer challenge. He's already proven He is Jehovah Rapha, the God who heals. He has already proven that He is El Roi, the God who sees us and knows everything about us. He is proving now that He is Jehovah Jireh, the God who provides. He knows our needs and He provides for them as they come and as He sees fit.

We are so thankful that Phil has a steady job. He's worked there for almost 30 years. It isn't an easy job, in fact, it's very physical. He works in a big warehouse making metal frames and doors all day long. He comes home hot and tired and sweaty. His feet hurt all the time from standing 10 hours a day...yes, 10. He works Monday through Saturday every week to help make ends meet. He knows we need the extra money to pay off all these medical bills. Does he ever complain? No. He does what needs to be done. Does he get tired? Yes! He will be 60 in just a couple of weeks. His body is not as spry as it used to be. His stamina has waned over the years. But he is dedicated. He is loyal. He is a good provider and he works very hard. He loves me and I am so blessed to have him in my life! So when he tells me not to worry about the mounting bills, I can't help but listen. I trust him and I know he's doing the best he can to make ends meet. We don't drive fancy cars, we don't take exorbitant trips, we don't eat out often...we are the typical middle class family doing the best we can with what we have and we are barely getting by. But, God always provides! We may eat hotdogs once a week instead of a steak dinner but that's okay. We're thankful to have food on the table. There are so many less fortunate than we are so please don't misunderstand. We aren't complaining, just sharing the truth of our reality.

Cancer or any other debilitating illness can sneak into your life when you least expect it, and when it does, your life will change in more ways than you can imagine. Our lives have changed drastically! But we are thankful we have a God who has everything worked out. We are thankful that even though we can't see what's coming around the bend, He can! We are thankful that He is trustworthy and true! Yes, we have a giant stack of medical bills in our little wicker basket but we know He will make a way for us to pay them. And even if it takes us years and years to get it done, it will get done. So today, I encourage you to be thankful for your health. Be thankful for your family. Be thankful you have a roof over your head and food on your table. Be thankful that God has given you life! So often we take all these things for granted, but when you venture into the world of health problems, you begin to see things a little more clearly. You understand what's really important in your life and material things are definitely not at the top of that list. Just being able to wake up and get out of bed by yourself is the highlight of your day.

I hope you hear me loud and clear through this post, Cancer is mean and ugly. It comes to devastate lives. Some people choose to allow it to blanket them with fear and smother them slowly. Others choose to fight it with every ounce of their being, rising above it and becoming victorious! The difference between these two types of people is hope, and where does hope come from...it comes from God. Those who know God and trust Him are able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. They are the ones who pass through the valley of Cancer knowing it is but a temporary disturbance in their lives meant for whatever purpose God has planned it. I choose to look at my life THAT way. That is why I am so thankful I know Jesus as my Lord and Savior! Without Him, I would be a basket case and that little wicker bill holder would be my undoing.

The Bible tell us not to worry in several verses. I use these daily to help me overcome my habit of worrying. I also try to remember what my grandmother used to say..."worry is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere." Hopefully you will never have to face a terrible illness or disease, but if you do, remember you are not alone and there is hope. We have a loving and caring God who can even use illness or disease to bring about good in our lives. It may not seem like it at the time we're going through it, but when we look back and see what He was doing in our lives, we will be able to see clearly that He had a plan to work things out for our benefit and for His glory. Mountains of medical bills may seem insurmountable, but one by one...they are just little hills we will climb. Thank God for my sweet husband who has chosen to bear the weight of these bills on his shoulders but he doesn't bear them alone, for God undergirds him and gives His strength daily to press on. We are so blessed and so very thankful to serve a mighty and awesome God!

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matt 6:34 NIV 

 Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you. Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your Christian brothers and sisters all over the world are going through the same kind of suffering you are.  In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.   1 Peter 5:7-10 NLT
 
Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken. Psalm 55:22 NIV 

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you;  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  Isaiah 41:10 NIV 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Phil 4:6-7 NIV

The way I feel

Over breakfast this morning, my daughter and I were discussing my blog. I mentioned that I didn't quite know what I wanted to write about today and she made a wonderful suggestion. She said, "Mom, why don't you just post a photo?" She knows how much I love photography. After thinking about it, I decided it was a great idea! Now to find just the perfect photo to use.

As I was perusing through several of my photography catalogs, I came across this photo, taken on a recent trip to Florida. It seemed just perfect for conveying how I'm feeling today! I had taken this photo early one morning. A large white Egret was preening in the bay. As I watched him, I knew he would provide interesting subject matter for my photograph. I got my camera set up and waited for the perfect shot. It was a misty morning, the sun had yet to fully rise in the sky, and the bay was picturesque. The water was so peaceful and serene, barely a ripple broke the surface. The Egret washed himself slowly and deliberately making sure to clean ever single feather. After he had completed his bath, he began to flap his wings. At first they would open just a little bit and then, he began to flap them wildly as if to dry himself off quickly. I was so happy to catch him with wings spread wide and to top it off; I was also able to capture his reflection in the water.

This photograph is symbolic of my cancer journey thus far. Since surgery, I've been home recuperating, taking it easy...waiting. For the past few weeks, I'd been waiting for the test results that would indicate whether or not chemotherapy would be part of my treatment plan. I'd been worrying and praying at the same time. Yesterday, when I got the news that I would not need to have chemo, I was ecstatic! That's why I chose this photograph to represent how I'm feeling today. If you look at the photograph again, you'll see the bird has his wings outspread as if ready to take off and soar, but his feet are still firmly planted in the watery mire. That's exactly where I am right now...my feet haven't left the ground just yet, but I'm getting ready.

Radiation treatments are just around the corner. I've been told they will take a toll on my body by zapping my energy to an all time low. For the next 6-8 weeks, I'll be in treatment and afterwards, I'll begin the anti hormone therapy which will come with its own set of side effects. I know there's still a rough road ahead, but I'm so thankful I don't have to flood my body with poisonous chemicals. Soon, I'll have finished all the radiation treatments and I'll move on to only having to take oral medication. I can hardly wait for treatments to be over! Just as the Egret is looking at his reflection in the water; I daily see my reflection in the mirror. As I look at myself, I can see great physical changes that have already taken place,  but I know there are more changes to come. The changes ahead will be more extensive than mere physical changes. They will be heart changes, attitude changes, deliberate changes I'll make as a result of this journey. I know God has something great in store for me...I've got my wings poised and ready...one day soon, I'll be soaring high!

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

The results are in

I've been waiting for the past few weeks for this day to come. Today, I met with my oncologist, Dr. Trevor Feinstein. My daughter, Erin, drove me to the appointment this morning because I'm still healing from surgery and can't drive. We arrived right at 9:30 and waited about thirty minutes to be called back into a room. While in the waiting room, I kept repeating Psalm 56:3 over and over "When I am afraid, I will trust in thee." 

The nurse came to do vital signs and I had to remind her I can't have blood pressures taken on my arms (because of the lymph node removals.) She smiled reassuring me it wasn't a problem as she proceeded to take my blood pressure on my left calf. Next, the P.A. came in and gathered family history information. She entered everything into the computer and when she had finished, she went to get the doctor.

Dr. Feinstein was fairly young in my eyes...probably late thirties to early forties. This was our first meeting so I had no idea what his bedside manner would be like. I was surprised when he entered the room and hopped right up on the examination table. He sat there swinging his legs as he began talking to me. He was so close to my face, I felt like I had to lean back a little just to focus my eyes on him! After the usual pleasantries, he got down to business.

The doctor began with the results from the Oncotype DX test. He began telling me how the test was performed and the history behind it. He told me what the results would indicate and how various factors contributed to the type of care recommended. He spoke in a low, pleasant, unhurried tone as the P.A. was busily typing information in the computer. He was very attentive to me and my daughter and continually asked if we had any questions. After an hour of medical information, he asked again, if I had any questions. This time I spoke up. "Yes, I just want to know if I need to have chemotherapy or not." He referred back to the Oncotype DX test and told me my recurrence rate was 7 out of 100. I asked what that meant and he said, "if you were my wife or one of my relatives, I would recommend you NOT do chemotherapy because with all the side effects from the various drugs, you have to weigh whether doing the treatment and experiencing the horrible side effects is really worth it; or whether it is more beneficial to just do radiation and anti hormone therapy." I was so relieved to hear him say that! I asked him again if what he was saying was NO CHEMO, and he said, "yes, no chemo." At that very moment, I glanced down at the printed copy of the Oncotype DX test that he'd given me. The number 7 just about leapt off the page. As I was staring at it, it was as if I heard God say to my spirit, 7 is the number of completion, this phase is done. Tears welled up in my eyes and then, the dream I'd had yesterday flashed before me! The room full of bald headed women and me, with a full head of hair! YES!!! God had given me a premonition of today's test results! He was showing me that indeed, I would not need chemotherapy!

I barely heard the doctor as he continued talking. I was ecstatic! I wanted to leap for joy! I had been so worried and so afraid of having to go through the horrors of chemotherapy. I have friends who've already been through that rough time and they've all told me the side effects are almost unbearable. I had also worried that I wouldn't have had anyone to transport me to and from treatments...all that worrying for naught!

Dr. Feinstein told me that I would have to go through radiation treatments and take an aromatase inhibitor for the next 5 years. He explained that with my medical history, age, past surgeries, etc. that he would not recommend I be put on Tamoxifen. The aromatase inhibitors can cause severe osteoporisis or osteopenia so I will have to have a bone scan before starting treatment and then again every two years to make sure I'm not suffering bone loss. There are other side effects too, such as hot flashes, bone and joint pain, etc. He said we can address those as they come up. Dr. Feinstein sent me to the lab to have some blood work done and said he'd see me after my radiation treatments were complete.

After leaving his office, I was so happy I wanted to dance but do you know what I did...I went straight into the bathroom and bawled my eyes out! I was so grateful to God for His mercy. I was so relieved I would not have to endure chemotherapy!

In Psalm 57:1-2, the Bible says "Be merciful and gracious to me, O God, be merciful and gracious to me, for my soul takes refuge and finds shelter and confidence in You; yes, in the shadow of Your wings will I take refuge and be confident until calamities and destructive storms are passed.

² I will cry to God Most High, Who performs on my behalf and rewards me [Who brings to pass His purposes for me and surely completes them]!" God has been so good to me! Yes, I had Breast Cancer, and yes, I still have a long road of recovery ahead of me, but God saw fit to use this to teach me, once again, that He is in control and I am not! Do I think God rewarded me for being diligent in my faith during this time....YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT! Do I think God has answered the prayers of my family and friends who've lifted me up these past few weeks as I've gone through surgery and recovery...I CERTAINLY DO!  I know I serve a mighty God! No matter what comes my way, He is always going to be right there with me. He will guide me through the storms of life and hide me under His wings. I can't tell you how thankful I am today to know that finally, I can say I am a Breast Cancer Survivor and now I'm going to be a Breast Cancer Thriver! My life is going to be a living, breathing testimony for God. I want everyone to know what He's done for me. I want people to understand that yes, we will continually have trials and tribulations here on earth but with God, all things are possible. We have HOPE and in the famous words of Forest Gump, "That's all I have to say about that." 

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

Weird dreams

Last night I had some really weird dreams. I'm sure, as I analyzed them this morning, they stemmed from fears and insecurities. I'm not one to put much stock in dreams but wanted to share them with you so you could gain a better understanding of my blog post today.

The first dream: I was in a large room, something like a classroom, and someone was facilitating a meeting. I don't remember what was said throughout the meeting, but I know I sat there and listened intently to what the speaker was sharing. I wasn't aware of anyone else in the room, although I know there were other people there. When the speaker had finished, he/she said something profound (which I can't remember) and then one by one, bald headed women rose from their seats and stood at attention. I was still seated and was looking around as first one and then another woman rose to stand. My eyes were fixed on their heads and their degree of baldness. Some of the women were completely bald without one single hair protruding from perfectly round heads. Others had straggly long hairs, wispy and fine. I remember feeling a deep sadness as I watched them rise and then...it was my turn. When I rose, I remember I still had a head full of hair. I turned to look at the others who were standing with me and that's when I woke up. 

The second dream was not as detailed. In fact, I only remember snippets of being somewhere out in public and being very self conscious. I remember everywhere I went in the dream, someone was staring at my chest. I was so embarrassed and wanted to cover up and hide. 

These dreams more than likely stemmed from a fear of going to visit the oncologist tomorrow. I've been waiting for weeks for the test results to come back. The results will determine whether or not I have to have chemotherapy and how long I'll have to have it. I don't want to put poison into my body but I may have no choice.

Most women I've talked to, who've already gone through chemotherapy, say that after 2 treatments hair begins to turn loose and let go. When that has happened, most of the women have taken matters into their own hands and have cut and shaved their heads. Some of the women have made a celebration of it, having children or grandchildren come over and help with the trimming. Photos have been made and the whole ordeal documented. While I know that each case is different and some don't even lose one single hair, I can't help thinking about the possibility of being bald. It's humiliating enough having your breasts removed and then, to have your hair gone too...it's devastating. And yes, hair grows back eventually but for a Cancer patient, that can take months and months. 

The second dream was probably brought on from my being out in public a lot yesterday. Although I was not in close proximity to people for most of the day, when I was, I felt self conscious. I've been unable to wear my surgical camisole (the one with the pockets for the fake boobs in it) because it irritates my incisions. I've opted to go without anything underneath my shirt as long as the shirt is 100% cotton and very well worn. Being totally flat chested hasn't been easy. I didn't think I was as concerned about it as I apparently am. As I talked with a shop owner yesterday, I stood at an angle where my shirt bloused a little in front of me and held my arms at a protective angle in hopes that she wouldn't notice I had no breasts. When I was just in the presence of my daughter, I wasn't concerned about my "flat chestedness" at all...probably because I knew she loved me unconditionally and she wasn't paying much attention at all to the fact that I had no bosom.

I'm thankful that these were just dreams and not reality. I'm also thankful that God knows me and knows the way I think. The Bible tells me that he is familiar with all my ways. (Psalm 139:3) He knows my going out and my lying down. 

Father God is familiar with all our ways, which means He is fully acquainted with us and He intimately understands all that we are and all that we do. This thought of intimacy causes many of us to be very uncomfortable with God, for we are not even comfortable with ourselves. Our minds can't even comprehend this kind of depth of His intimacy and acceptance. He is familiar with all our ways, and yet He still desires to be our Father. This kind of love surpasses anything that we have ever experienced or anything that we could ever possibly hope for or imagine. However, it is a two way street. 

Just as much as Father knows us, He wants us to begin to know Him, to become familiar with all His ways. He desires intimacy with His children. He sees us for who we really are, yet He loves us. He wants us to see Him for who He really is, and to allow Him to father us perfectly. Jesus and the Father shared in this type of intimacy. In John 17:10, Jesus prayed these words to His Father, All I have is yours and all you have is mine. Theirs was an interaction of hearts that was completely given to each other without reserve. 

When we receive Jesus Christ, we enter into the same relationship that Jesus has with His Father because we are now in Christ. Jesus died so that all we might share in this incredible relationship with His Father. Will we begin to yield all that we are over to the One who wants to give us all that He has? I think we are getting the better end of the bargain! To become intimate, requires vulnerability. God understands our trepidation so that is why He risked first. He made the first move when He gave up everything He had to win our hearts. He emptied the bank when He sacrificed His only Son so that we might know Him.

Why not respond to this ultimate gesture of love by beginning to risk a deeper relationship with your Father? Intimacy with God begins with us lowering our defenses simply to allow God to "into-me-see." 

Dreams are not representation of fact. They can reveal deep seated fears in our lives but we shouldn't dwell on them. Our hope and our trust should be in God and God alone.

PRAYER
Father I thank You for being familiar with all my ways. I believe that You intimately understand everything about me, yet You still love me unconditionally. Today I want to begin to lower my own defenses and lay down my pre-conceived ideas of who you are. I want to know You Father. I want to begin to see into Your heart and to become familiar with all Your ways. In the name of your beloved Son, Jesus, I pray. Amen.

©bonnie annis all rights reserved

You don't look sick

Me in my clown makeup

There was a popular commercial running on TV back in the early 80's for a cold remedy product. They were quite creative in their advertisement using the voice of a nagging old woman as she repeatedly said, "you don't sound sick" in her irritatingly nasal voice. The ad would show her husband, obviously feeling extremely ill, slumped down in his recliner, wad of tissue in hand. As he sniffles, coughs, and sneezes, the nagging wife torments him constantly with her taunting remark, "you don't sound sick." It was a great ad campaign because it made you think of the cold remedy product whenever you saw someone with a cold or flu. You could hear the old woman's voice resounding in your head. I thought of that commercial this morning as I got out of bed.

For several weeks now, various visitors and friends have made comments to me regarding my physical condition. The majority of them have said something along the lines of "you don't look sick or wow, no one would ever know you have Cancer." While those compliments are meant to be heartfelt and sincere, they also seem to suggest perhaps I should "look" a little worse than I do...after all, I do have Cancer.

What these well wishers don't know is that I'm a pro at applying makeup, and a little makeup can do wonders for hiding a vast array of maladies. The first thing I do every morning, after getting my shower, is apply my makeup. I've been doing it for over 40 years now and I've gotten it down to a mere 3.5 minutes. With all the products available today, it's a huge moral booster knowing that no matter how old I get or how bad I feel, a little makeup will go a long way towards brightening my day. Wrinkles...no problem! Slap on some primer and a little wrinkle reduction cream and BAM! 20 years instantly disappear. Red blotchy skin...a 24 hour foundation is a miracle worker. Dull, lifeless complexion...a little blush and some highlighting powder and I'm ready for a photo shoot. Makeup - the instant facade. It can be used to hide scars, physical abuse, a sleepless night, and even severe illnesses like Cancer.

So no, I may not "look" sick, but I sure feel it. Putting on makeup in the mornings helps me not dwell on how I feel as much. If I look good, I feel good (kinda sorta not really.) It's a mind game. When I have my complete "face" on, I don't see an almost 57 year old staring back at me in the mirror. I see a 30 or 40ish looking woman! (I can't dream can't I?) Anyway, I do find that I act better and I feel better with a coat of "warpaint" on my face.

It's so easy to hide behind makeup. Several years ago, I used to do a lot of clowning. My last clown routine was done in Alaska while on a mission trip. I had such fun donning my coat of white grease paint and then applying an oversized red mouth and dramatic black around my eyes. When I looked in the mirror before heading out to minister to the kids, I saw a person transformed. No longer was I a humble wife and mother...now I was "Sunny, the clown."

Clowns have always intrigued me. From the time I was a child, I was fascinated by Red Skelton's hobo act on his TV show. Freddie, the Freeloader was the hobo who lived in the city dump. Freddie would also be seen sleeping on a park bench often being told by a passing by police officer to move along or risk be arrested for vagrancy. I loved watching Red transform into character. Even though he was normally a happy, upbeat person, whenever he transitioned into character, his whole demeanor changed. Then there were the Ringling Brothers clowns from the circus. All manner of clowns ran, and rolled and frolicked in the center ring. There were big clowns and little clowns, happy clowns and sad clowns...all of them with their faces painted in great detail. But often, underneath the makeup, a deep sadness remains hidden.

Technically, if you think about it, our makeup today is basically a modernized form of the same type makeup used by clowns. Although not as heavy and dramatic, it still does the same thing...it camoflauges flaws on a person's face. The ads for the makeup today however tout tag lines such as "hydrates, corrects, perfects, revives, provides flawless looking skin, hides blemishes, brightens complexions, smooths wrinkles." Instead of using those technical phrases, why couldn't they just say something like this: "wake up looking haggard? slap on a coat of this and look 10 years younger" or "pulled an all nighter? no biggie...our product will hide the bags so you can go to work and no one will ever know" or "so, you've got Cancer and feel run down, no one will know if you wear this."

A good coat of makeup can hide many flaws including the signs of aging and energy loss from severe illness. The next time you are about to blurt out, "you don't look sick" or "you don't sound sick" stop for a moment and think. The person you long to compliment may be dealing with much more than you know. The makeup may be a secret weapon aimed at helping them cope better with what's going on in their life. Words offered in sincerity with love and kindness are easily accepted by those struggling through health issues, but words offered flippantly and in haste can sometimes sound like that old nagging woman on the cold remedy ad. It would be much better to say, "it looks like you're having a good day today" or "you look like you slept well last night" or something along those lines instead of "you don't look sick!"

I'm so thankful for the invention of makeup! It helps me feel better about myself even when I'm having a rough day. Without it, I'm sure I would get comments of concern because the physical aspects of my illness would be more apparent. Cancer patients worry enough about their physical appearance as it is...not so much for themselves, but for how it makes others feel when they see them in their weakened state. We can deal with the weakness. We can deal with the physical changes. We know we're fighting a constant battle. Those things aren't evident however when a good coat of makeup hides the struggle. Just remember, although I have on my "clown face" I may be having a sad day underneath. I will try to protect you from feeling sorry for me by putting my best foot forward. But underneath all of it, love and prayers can lift my face and my spirits better than any foundational firming cream! And if you want to see a beautiful, genuine smile on my face... one that's not painted on...just be my friend and tell me you love me...that means the most of all.

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

Down but not out.... (Guest Blogger)

 

I am Erin, Bonnie's oldest daughter. I've never written a blog post and felt a bit intimidated when my mom asked me this morning if I would be a guest blogger on her page. I wasn't sure where to start or what to say. I guess I'll start at the beginning.
    I was nervous, excited, anxious and anticipating the moment of arrival to baggage claim where my mom, stepdad and sister would pick me up. I wasn't sure how I'd feel seeing my mom for the first time. I wanted to throw my arms around her and hug her tightly but I thought hug her gently. My mom looked the same. She was still my mom and I was soo glad to see her. I really didn't notice her chest was flatter or non existent. As we headed out of the airport I watched as my mom hesitated for one of us to open the door for her. Even something as simple as opening a door was too much for her. We had a great dinner together and before dinner was even over I noticed she was a bit quieter and seemed tired. We decided to grab some frozen yogurt before heading home for the night. As we got out of the van she pulled my sister's side sliding door closed out of habit realizing only afterwards that maybe she shouldn't have done that. We arrived home and all sat down for a little to watch some tv. Mom tried to stay up with us and she did for quite a while but then she was ready to turn in for the night. She started to leave the room and then asked if I could help her get her over shirt off her head because it was difficult to raise her arms and Phil had already gone to bed. I told her sure I'd help.
    After removing it she proceeded to get on her pj tank. I asked if she needed help with her surgical camisole and she said no I can slide that down. She said I don't wanna gross you out. It's pretty hideous. I said no mom you won't.  Then I saw the scars that I had been unsure of how I'd react once I saw them and was even unsure of if I wanted to see them. It wasn't anything like I imagined. Across her chest were too dark colored lines that extended around under each arm pit. In the middle was a slight raised area that was a result of the surgery swelling. I wasn't grossed out or repulsed. My heart loved my mom even more. I also felt so very thankful that she is alive. I gave her another gentle hug and off she went to bed.
    On Sunday, we had a cookout with our family. My mom told me before I flew in she wanted me to help organize and do a surprise birthday party for our step dad. I awoke early wanting to spend every moment with my mom. She had already begun making breakfast. I told her she shouldn't do that. I could cook and she said no let me do it while I feel good. I didn't argue even tho I knew later she'd regret it. I let her because I know how she loves to be hospitable and take care of us kids. After breakfast I could tell she was tired. Jamie and I had already decided to go to the store for her. She stayed home with Phil. When we got back we had a quick lunch. Then we all sat back to relax a little before my sister, her husband and my niece came in. Mom kept getting up to do something or go check on something in the office. I kept urging her to sit down. And even suggested a nap. She wouldn't. Finally she sat down for about 10-15 min before my sister arrived. It was strange to be in the kitchen making all the food, thinking mom normally does this. My sister, Laura and I prepared all the sides and made the burgers. Jamie and mom went outside to prep the grill so it would be hot after Phil and David had run to the corner store to pick up some beans. I looked out the window and saw mom scrubbing the grill grates. I hollered for my sister to tell her to stop. I knew she was over doing it. She wouldn't listen tho. She had also gone outside earlier and taken photos of my niece for her first birthday. I knew that was too much for her as well as it's hard for her to hold up the camera. She stopped the photo shoot early saying she had a few good ones already. I knew she had stopped because it was tiring. My sisters and I cleaned all the food away and dishes after dinner. I think everyone could tell it had been too much for her today. Everyone started to get ready to leave. Leaving earlier than they normally would. They all had to travel back to their homes to prepare for the work week. After everyone was gone mom sat down in her leather overstuffed recliner and just melted into the seat. She stayed up for about another hour then went to bed. It was weird to see my mom being so tired. If you know my mom, she never slows down and does everything. But today she was much slower and each move more calculated.
    Now I will tell you about today, Monday. Today we had a simple breakfast microwave sausage biscuits with berries. As we sat down to eat mom admitted she over did it yesterday. She said I know you're gonna say I told you so! Then we decided to go to town to try to find a few thrift stores. As we pulled out I saw mom holding her seat belt out. It hurt her to have it against her chest. I didn't ask her but I wondered at the first store if she felt self conscious. By the third store I could tell she was getting tired and was walking slower. I also knew it was too laborious to carry her purse which was light as a feather compared to mine. So I carried it for her. I knew she wasn't going to make it for much longer so I said let's go home. She finally admitted yes I really am tired and need to go home. I told her it was fine. We came home and relaxed. I then vacuumed the entire house for her because she asked me to. I felt glad to do this for her, knowing how much she enjoys her home to be clean. Just being out this morning made her arms swell from the gravity of having them down. She is now sitting with them propped up. It's hard to see my mom not be able to go and do like she wants to. I am thankful she is having to rest more. She needs it.
    I love my mom and I am thankful she is alive and doing ok. I hope that one day she will regain full strength but for now she is getting by ok.